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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my friend living on another planet?

361 replies

Mountainviewloo · 21/08/2017 10:38

A friend of mine I haven't seen for a while has asked to meet up at the weekend. She originally said could we meet for brunch and asked me to suggest a time and place so I suggested 11 somewhere central for both of us (this is a normal time for brunch right?!?!). She replied saying that was a bit early for her as she likes to sleep in at the weekend (fair enough, I did too pre-toddler), and suggested 1pm. I said fine.

She then a few hours later texted saying would I mind meeting for dinner instead as she'd forgotten she had a delivery coming. Again I said fine. She suggested we meet at 9pm. This to me is ridiculously late for dinner but whatever, I could live with it so I said fine, but just FYI I won't be able to bring DS (the original plan was for me to bring DS as she wanted to see him - this was her request, not mine as I'd much rather have a peaceful meal without him!).

She then said something along the lines of oh no why not, I really want to see him. I pointed out that 9pm was 2 hours past his bedtime. She then asked why I couldn't just keep him up. I explained that he would go into meltdown mode through overtiredness and no one would have a nice time.

She has now gone into a huff with me saying I am being difficult and he needs to be able to come "off routine" sometimes or he will be "impossible to manage" as he gets older.

Surely IANBU here?! I am not a dragon about his routine at all, but if I take him out for dinner at 9pm it will be hell for everyone involved. He's 18 months.

I haven't replied to her last message yet.

OP posts:
Pellucid123 · 22/08/2017 19:10

Some people on here seem to have very selfish friends - bin her. You haven't got time for this self-centredness if you have a toddler.

Jessikita · 22/08/2017 19:14

She's on a different planet. There's no way I'd keep my children up until 9pm to go out for dinner. They'd be tired nightmares.

IWantAWittyUsername · 22/08/2017 19:29

What a loon. I know the best/sensible advice is to ignore and move on but I'd be fuming and want to speak to her to make her see how unreasonable she is being! Not helpful I know but I hate being made out to be in the wrong when I'm not!

Cromwell1536 · 22/08/2017 19:29

Is she Italian? Greek? I only ask because my Italian and Greek friends do keep their toddlers up late for family dinners and celebrations. One brought her 18 month old to my wedding which went on until after midnight. He fell asleep in her arms and then was put down on the floor in a little alcove behind their table! But these are people who know their kids will be fine in that circumstance. If you know your child will be miserable as sin, then you're right to say 'Don't be a loon, you loon'.

Xchangedtohideid · 22/08/2017 19:38

I think she is being ridiculous. Yanbu. People who don't have kids tend not to understand how important routines are so I don't think she's deliberately being difficult, just ignorant. She has messed you about several times already and is now being an idiot over something that she has caused by changing the meeting time (again). Is it actually worth meeting her?, she sounds like a nightmare.

Abbylee · 22/08/2017 20:16

EVERY parent who reads this will understand your frustration and agree with you.

jayne1976 · 22/08/2017 20:54

Parenting advice from a non parent is never good!
He's 18 months for god sake, she will suffer the worst evening - why would she want that!
He's 18months routine is important, plenty of time to push late nights if that's what YOU want, she doesn't get to dictate how you raise your child.
Just lay it on the line / he will cry and be distressed all evening, i can't put him through it (or you - lol), if you now have other plans earlier on that date then perhaps we can reschedule as we were originally scheduled in for brunch!

magicsoakingmyspine · 22/08/2017 20:57

You should share her FB post Grin

mogulfield · 22/08/2017 21:05

If she's Mediterranean I could sort of understand it (in France we ate at 10-11pm with small DCwhen we stayed with our French friends). If she's British she's batshit.

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 22/08/2017 21:05

Bloody hell she has no idea. YANBU.

ohhelpohnoitsa · 22/08/2017 21:09

What no pressure said... exactly.

Remind her if this if/when she has kids.Grin she will be more understanding!!!

LottieDoubtie · 22/08/2017 21:48

'Grow up' is usually the insult of choice for those who need a long hard look in the mirror...

I couldn't resist texting her back but I'd go down the route of concern for her because her behaviour is so batshit.

CurlJunkie · 22/08/2017 22:55

Op I've read this thread from the start and I too am bemused by your friend. Some of the replies have made me genuinely lol! You sound like such a lovely person, please don't waste your friendship on someone who doesn't deserve it.

Having said all that.... any more pa stuff on fb?!?! Any more texts?! Grin

ridingsixwhitehorses · 22/08/2017 23:15

YANBU

robinia · 23/08/2017 00:15

Just know that you have done nothing wrong op. You bent over backwards to try to accommodate her whims. It is clear that she is the one with problems.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2017 03:43

Wow.
Please comment in her fb post with a link to this thread.
She's mad as a bucket of frogs.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 23/08/2017 04:08

No, you are not the centre of the universe. But your DS is (rightly) the centre of your universe and you have to put his needs first! Obviously! And if she doesn't understand that then she is both selfish and thick.

I think with such an old friend I would still want to try to sort it out - probably in person or via phone rather than text - starting with the line "Look I really don't want to fall out over this" and then explaining all the negative consequences of an overactive overtired toddler. Then I would hope she would understand and apologise....

RainbowAura · 23/08/2017 06:26

She just doesn't get it, does she?! Totally understandable if she doesn't have kids. Still annoying for you though.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/08/2017 06:33

I'd block, defriend and move on. She sounds self centred and over dramatic. Plenty of us childfree people get it and know exactly why meeting at 9pm would be a terrible idea!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/08/2017 06:53

Sadly in my experience, people like this don't suddenly feel bad or understand what dicks they'd been when they are parents themselves - they will also require you to fit round their child, but will have special reasons for it, still maintaining that you were just difficult and wouldn't try...

Case in point is the relative that invited dcs to her wedding then 5 weeks before the wedding decided to uninvite all children. Then got an arse on with me less than a week later because I hadn't sorted childcare yet - weekday wedding, childcare needed from 12 noon - midnight (so couldn't book dc1 into the nursery we used for work) half the family would be at the wedding, other set of grandparents had now booked a holiday over that date, other relations were working (as it was a week day wedding).

In the end I managed to hire the nanny of a friend who only worked part time so was free that day. Not ideal at all and cost a fortune. (£13 per hour for 12 hours)

However, when she had dcs a few years later and was invited to a child-free event, and was stressing about how to find childcare for it, it wasn't a moment she saw how unreasonable she was that I hadn't found suitable care in a short time frame - her dc wasn't used to being left as she didn't work, so it mattered more to get a good childcare provider, it's fine for me to leave my dcs with anyone because I worked when dc1 was little. Hmm

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 23/08/2017 07:07

Wow. Basically she just didn't get her own ridiculous way or meeting at 9 with an 18 month old (I have a particularly difficult one and the idea send shivers down my spine- I'm actually bit even sure he'd be allowed in a lot of restaraunts) and now she's acting like you're unreasonable. You did everything to accommodate her. Ffs. And now facebook

BreadZeppelin · 23/08/2017 07:37

As you're the first one among your friends to settle down and she seems to still be living the late-night lifestyle, maybe she thought she was being noble and thoughtful in inviting you out with your DC, and then was put out when you weren't grateful enough to accept the crumbs from her table.

Not that it matters either way; she's clearly completely batshit. Don't feel bad about it OP, you did nothing wrong and no-one in the world would be able to placate someone that bent on having a fight.

Mrstiggywink49 · 23/08/2017 07:38

Sounds like she lives a student lifestyle

Mrstiggywink49 · 23/08/2017 07:42

Could be she's on something....or wrote it when she was drunk!

TenForward82 · 23/08/2017 08:05

I had a mate like this. Knew me and DH were TTC, was so excited for us. As soon as I confirmed pregnancy she started posting loads of PA stuff on FB about how women are pressured into getting pregnant at our age and kids are super annoying and sleeping in is better than having kids and animals are better than kids.

That was all HER stuff. Nothing to do with me. I was just the trigger. So there's nothing you can do, OP, this stuff is your mate's stuff, not yours.

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