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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my friend living on another planet?

361 replies

Mountainviewloo · 21/08/2017 10:38

A friend of mine I haven't seen for a while has asked to meet up at the weekend. She originally said could we meet for brunch and asked me to suggest a time and place so I suggested 11 somewhere central for both of us (this is a normal time for brunch right?!?!). She replied saying that was a bit early for her as she likes to sleep in at the weekend (fair enough, I did too pre-toddler), and suggested 1pm. I said fine.

She then a few hours later texted saying would I mind meeting for dinner instead as she'd forgotten she had a delivery coming. Again I said fine. She suggested we meet at 9pm. This to me is ridiculously late for dinner but whatever, I could live with it so I said fine, but just FYI I won't be able to bring DS (the original plan was for me to bring DS as she wanted to see him - this was her request, not mine as I'd much rather have a peaceful meal without him!).

She then said something along the lines of oh no why not, I really want to see him. I pointed out that 9pm was 2 hours past his bedtime. She then asked why I couldn't just keep him up. I explained that he would go into meltdown mode through overtiredness and no one would have a nice time.

She has now gone into a huff with me saying I am being difficult and he needs to be able to come "off routine" sometimes or he will be "impossible to manage" as he gets older.

Surely IANBU here?! I am not a dragon about his routine at all, but if I take him out for dinner at 9pm it will be hell for everyone involved. He's 18 months.

I haven't replied to her last message yet.

OP posts:
JustAboutHangingInThere · 22/08/2017 09:43

Just read this whole thread. Jeezy peeps your 'friend' is so out of order. Not a friend at all IMO.

OP you have been brilliant with your handling of the situation so far and all the advice here is great. I did laugh out loud a lot reading it, (sorry, I know you are finding your 'friends' behaviour upsetting)

My advice is silence. Don't pander to her attention seeking nonsense. Move on, she sounds toxic.

XX

Motoko · 22/08/2017 13:54

I honestly think this IS her normal behaviour when someone doesn't do what she wants them to do.

Their mutual friend has stopped seeing her because she's controlling. She wants her own way all the time, so when she doesn't get it, she has a tantrum.

StormTreader · 22/08/2017 16:55

I would have replied to that facebook post "I know what you mean!" just to imagine her fury when she read it.

seevs94 · 22/08/2017 16:55

Wow, that's such an unreasonable attitude to have, esp after you've explained why?

Like I don't even have any children and I wouldn't even have asked my friend to bring their toddler at 9pm in the first place!

If her main goal is to see your toddler maybe suggest rescheduling another day during the daytime?

Katherine2626 · 22/08/2017 17:31

She doesn't have children.
She is selfish.
She has a sense of entitlement
I wouldn't bother with her.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/08/2017 17:36

When you don't have children or close child relatives, you don't have a clue how they work. God, the things I was going to do that wouldn't stop my life when my DD was born......no chance. I was living on another planet!

AyUpMiDuck · 22/08/2017 17:43

YANBU she has had you hanging on all day and messed you about. Tell her to come and visit during day if she wants to see your child.

FWIW I wouldnt be able to last till 9pm for dinner. We eat around 6.30pm!! But we're northern😲

Xabirak · 22/08/2017 17:49

I'm guessing she doesn't have kids??

Paddingtonthebear · 22/08/2017 17:50

She's a loon. I wouldn't keep my 4yr old up for dinner never mind a toddler.

No one wants to be in a restaurant having a meal at 9pm with toddlers around Confused

PerspicaciaTick · 22/08/2017 17:55

Pot, kettle, black.

She's cross with you priortising your child (small, vulnerable, apt to scream unreasonably when overtired) over her needs (bigger, not vulnerable. apt to have a bit of a tantrum over having to get up before lunchtime).

She needs to take a long hard look at herself and remind herself that children aren't toys to be played with and then sacked off when one gets bored.

NataliaOsipova · 22/08/2017 18:08

Having a child doesn't make you the centre of the universe.....but it does make that child the centre of your universe. Because he depends on you absolutely. She needs to grow up.

For the record, I'm the least routine bound parent I know. I'm perfectly happy to have dinner at 9pm and quite often do so. But no bloody way would I plan to take a toddler out to a restaurant at that time! I wouldn't plan to do it with my 8 year old. Anyone with half an ounce of common sense would know this. I think she's being deliberately goady, to be honest, so she can fall out with you and claim it's your fault. Why else the crap Facebooking?

MsHarry · 22/08/2017 18:15

She's being difficult for no apparent reason. Has she given a reason why she can't meet you earlier? You have a good reason why you can't make 9 with DS.

brogueish · 22/08/2017 18:15

Ok, playing devil's advocate - she's 27, single, probably wondering if she'll ever meet someone/have kids/grow up, may be socialising a bit too hard (brunch at 2, really?)... Try not to take it personally, my guess is that she's dissatisfied with her life, feeling inadequate and is completely irrationally taking it out on you. Doesn't mean that she's not being a drama queen and nightmare at the moment, but by the sounds of things, you've been friends for years and she's acting completely out of character. Leave her for now and maybe text in a week or something when she's had time to reflect. Sorry you're dealing with this.

Flatscissors · 22/08/2017 18:15

Wait until she's had kids, then wait another couple of years, then propose a 9:00pm meet up for a bite to eat.

Then sit back and listen to the sound of a penny dropping.

MsHarry · 22/08/2017 18:16

We just came back from Spain. We went out to eat late because of the heat. My DD (17) moaned like hell cos she was soooo hungry!

Mumandteacher123 · 22/08/2017 18:17

YANBU but she is! I'd have lost the plot when she changed the time the second time to 9pm!Smile

allgoodthings84 · 22/08/2017 18:19

Ha ha ha she clearly doesn't understand kids. My 2 year old would be a nightmare from the beginning out at a night out starting at 9pm let alone by the end of the meal. If it wouldn't be so unfair on the child and everyone else in the restaurant it would be tempting to show her just how bad.

Atenco · 22/08/2017 18:21

I don't know why but she reminds me of a friend from my youth. He was used to calling the shots and everybody following his suggestions until we started to have minds of our own. Things went downhill so much until he ended up friendless for a couple of years and started to improve and be a bit more considerate.

It is very hard to lose an old friend, OP, but this one has gone stark-staring mad. You couldn't have been more accommodating and the fact that your mutual friend gave up on her a couple of years ago, shows that this is not a strange blip but who she is.

Smudge100 · 22/08/2017 18:21

Why should your son's routine be disrupted for her? He's a child, not a toy, and his needs should come before her caprices, especially as she can't even make up her mind when she wants to meet. I wouldn't dream of turning out at 9pm, let alone with a toddler in tow.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 22/08/2017 18:46

"OP "I'm not really sure what other slant could be put on the situation really"

Is she from the the warmer parts of Europe? They often eat much later than us, and bring children along.

Original poster
Mountainviewloo · 22/08/2017 18:53

Nope. She's more British than I am!

OP posts:
OJZJ · 22/08/2017 18:55

I have a friend like this . in fact due to what she said to me sounding identical to what your friend said I am wondering if the same person... My son arrived age 11 months in a strict routine (how lucky was I?) and still needs a routine including familiar places etc due to additional needs....
Apparently I shouldn't stick to routines as it makes them unmanageable and he is a baby it doesn't matter plus it never did get three any harm....
4 years down the line she thinks my child as he is too much to handle (again break to routine tips him over the edge so she can't deal with it....)

Stuck to routine as so difficult to establish and take ages to get back into... although tempted with pp saying take a book and enjoy your meal at a different table and let them "bond" alone Grin

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/08/2017 18:58

I would have just "liked" the FB comment.

Some people really cant handle realising they arent the most important person in their friend's lives.

Bluelonerose · 22/08/2017 18:59

I had a friend like that our youngest kids were same age she didn't like the fact I refused to take my kids to hers on a Friday night for a sleepover so she could invite a load of people over and get drunk.
She would want to go to bed at 6am then leave kids to watch TV while she slept.
Apparently I was being selfish not wanting to do that EVERY weekend and I was told to shove our friendship up my arse.
It hurt because we were so close and best friends for 10 years but from previous experience she's "best friends" with people then had MASSIVE falling out and never spoke to them again.
I replied to my friend with.
Not quite sure what's gone on but if that's your choice I'll respect it. You know where I am good luck xx

38cody · 22/08/2017 19:09

Just tell her to think about the conversation when she has a child of 18 months! And arrange lunch.

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