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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you move to America if you were me?

450 replies

BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:35

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

OP posts:
Bue · 22/08/2017 07:07

This piece I just saw in the Guardian seems quite relevant: www.theguardian.com/sport/2017/aug/22/victoria-azarenka-confirms-she-will-miss-us-open-over-child-custody-battle Victoria Azarenka is missing the US Open as her baby is 8 months old and she can't even take him out of California due to a custody battle.

OVienna · 22/08/2017 09:28

Excellent posts on here from mathanxiety regarding the power shift that could occur in your relationship with DH and the changes you could see in him when he moves to the US - as the PP with the Ozzie DH also noted. I draw your attn to this from BeAlert too:

Although DH Is the American, we decided together to move to the US, and I wanted to be here as much as he did. I never had any intention of moving back to the UK whether we divorced or stayed together.

If I think of all the reasons why my own cross cultural relationship with DH has worked this is a big factor for me - I had reasons to draw me to the UK apart from DH and want stay here for reasons that are independent of him. This is key. THis has not been the case with friends of mine (also in non-English speaking countries) and they have really struggled. It compounds the stress of any other cultural, practical issues you may face.

The other thing is that DH and I do not live near his parents and even more crucially, our lives are very different from what he experienced growing up. So, we are doing things together in the UK that are new for both of us, if that makes sense.

This is a very different scenario to moving back not only to your husband's country but to live near his family, his friends, where he went to school and basically enabling him to pick up where he left off, after a fashion, which it sounds like you would be doing.

I really do not think, while you are married to him, he would agree to give that up after a few years and move back to the UK if you weren't happy and I think it's important to be realistic about that. I think you'd be looking at a lifetime there.

Everything else we've discussed on this thread about taxes, schools, etc is highly incidental set against this consideration, which really is the main issue. If you like it there and want to be there you'll find a way to make it work. If you don't - it won't matter, as Math put it, how many great ski slopes you can drive to.

I am not sure that I would encourage him to do more with expat circles in the UK. In my experience, Americans who are happy to settle here are in a minority. It could make it worse to see them going back after a while, which most of them do. Again - Math:
If his UK job is not giving him joy, would another UK job help?

One thing to consider is holidays - on the one hand, the long summer holiday (if you don't work) would give you a lot of time back in the UK. But if you do work, it's one of the nightmare childcare delimmas from what I gather (lots of kids seem to go to sleep away camp; I didn't.) Would your husband agree to commit to holidays in the UK in exchange for moving there? This can also become extgremely expensive and inconvenient - and your DH might resent to.

Have you asked your DH what he would say if you wanted to move back? Would he commit to doing this? Have you asked him whether he'd be happy to commit to all holidays in the UK? I mean - I think it's fine to paint an extreme scenario and see what reaction you get. Your scenario is extreme too and like another PP said, don't make a decision based on being 'fair' to him when he has very little to lose from moving.

Kursk · 22/08/2017 11:36

For our $160 food shop we go to MarketBasket and farmers market. We meal plan and buy accordingly.

We have our own vegetable garden and we also hunt deer in the fall.

Kursk · 22/08/2017 11:50

Taxes on our house are $3200 a year. We also have a 120 acre camp up north, taxes on that are $650 a year.

The one bill that really shocked us was the cost of and internet/TV $90 a month and We can't get that any lower.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 11:53

We don't have internet AngryAngryAngrySad and tv was $90 a month for a shit basic package so ditched that.

NameChanger22 · 22/08/2017 12:04

There is no way I would consider moving to the US with children. I lived there when I was much younger and single. It was quite a good experience but I was glad to be back in the UK and I've never wanted to go back, even for a visit.

I think the benefits to living in the USA are that you could afford a nice big house, people are a lot more friendly and you would experience a different life.

The downsides are almost too numerous to mention - being an outsider, healthcare, guns (I saw lots when I was there, everyone had one), right wing politics and views, religious nutters, Trump, no pavements, long distances between everything, isolation from family, problems bringing children back to the UK, inability to work, shop till you drop culture, bad food.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:11

Shop till you drop, bad food and no pavements? Again- ITS A HUGE COUNTRY AND VASTLY DIFFERENT NOT EVERYWHERE IS THE SAME STOP FUCKING GENERALISING! Angry

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:13

The food where we live is amazing. Pretty much ALL of our local restaurants serve local farm to table food.

Shop till you drop??? Where I live is extremely down to earth. People don't value things and clothes half as much as they do in the UK.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:14

Oh and of everyone I know ONE is right wing. One. And I've never met a 'religious nutter'. Ffs.

NameChanger22 · 22/08/2017 12:23

I did list the benefits too.

America is a lot more right wing than the UK, but obviously not everyone is. I met lots of religious nutters where I lived and didn't dare mention that I was a non-believer.

The food was a bit weird and I had very bad gas all the time I was there. Being a vegetarian was also seen as completely alien and strange. I did find eating out to be pretty cheap as you only need to buy one meal to feed a whole family (portion sizes are massive).

NameChanger22 · 22/08/2017 12:26

As for shopping - its completely off the scale in the US. People have huge houses that they fill with crap. In the UK, people are at least limited by lack of space.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:27

Again- you are generalising. Where I live and lots of places I've visited are not like that. Hmm

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:29

Pretty much everyone where I live lives a very stripped back life. Children get way way less at birthdays and Christmas than they do in the UK and consumerism is seen as a bit of a dirty and unpleasant thing here.

Ds actually has more 'stuff' than most people we know. And I buy more clothes/shoes than anyone else I know either. They all think the British are huge shoppers.

Again, America is very very very big. And very diverse.

NameChanger22 · 22/08/2017 12:29

I am giving my personal view of the experience I had. I have only been to 6 states, so obviously I haven't see all of it.

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 12:29

Being vegetarian is strange in the US? Well I'll have to tell all of my vegan/GF/etc. roller derby team that. They'll be glad to know.

OVienna · 22/08/2017 12:35

I am curious where you are currently living heyho.

Keletubbie · 22/08/2017 12:38

I have dual citizenship. There is not enough money in the world to make me move back to the States.

Brexit will be a shit show, but at least we don't have gun toting Nazis marching through the streets.

Want2bSupermum · 22/08/2017 12:40

kurst your living costs are so very low. Car insurance here in NJ at most very basic level and $5k deductible was $150 a month. Our property taxes are more per month than yours are for the whole year. So jealous!

We were living off a smaller budget of $6600 a month. It was very very tight. $10k increase is a result of a third child increasing childcare and housing costs. Our monthly disposable income is still about $1500.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:46

I live in Maine.

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 12:48

That explains a lot. Maine is A: gorgeous and B: known for having really awesome people/attitudes towards social issues.

If we're going to generalise and all, might as well make it good! :D

Circumlocutor · 22/08/2017 12:50

I'd live in one of the big cities for a year, could possibly be tempted to try certain parts of less urban America for a year too. But would definitely not want to make a permanent move. This is one of the hazards of marrying someone from a different country I suppose, potentially one or other will be unhappy with wherever it is you end up. You have my sympathies. But if you have any doubts about the state of your relationship my advice would be don't do it.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 12:53

Gwen Grin

There are more and more people moving here from other states. We've got friends from all over who love it.

Want2bSupermum · 22/08/2017 12:55

I'm married to a Dane. I'd live in America over Denmark. No contest.

I agree with others saying this has to have been a conversation point earlier in their relationship. DH and I talked about it at length.

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 12:59

My dad has a friend up there with some ungodly amount of land he inherited from family and a grower's license. Pretty much living the dream for a hippie! :D

Down here in NJ costs are high and benefits, like good school systems, are sporadic.

OP, are you considering Boston or similar? We considered it seriously for a time; DH had a job offer from the Obama campaign up there in 2007 but we couldn't make it work financially at the time. A lot of the things people are generalising about on this thread DEFINITELY wouldn't be true there -- public transport is good, the food is awesome, the people are great and the social attitudes are much more what you'd expect.

BeALert · 22/08/2017 13:02

My car insurance is $95 a month, covers 3 cars, one of which is new, and covers my newly qualified 16 year old.

The US is indeed a big and diverse place... :-)