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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you move to America if you were me?

450 replies

BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:35

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

OP posts:
gwenneh · 22/08/2017 13:04

NJ is known for being one of the worst states for car insurance, though -- my policy is $190 a month for two newer cars (but we did take a smaller deductible, etc).

If the OP is considering MA, I know they have a similar reputation for high prices!

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 13:06

Hippies do live the dream up here! Grin

Oh and weed is legal in many States if that's your bag. It's not mine but when I see how my Dad in the UK struggles to get quality and cheap THC products for his health issues and face prosecution it makes me sad he doesn't live here.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 13:08

Car insurance is high in Mass because the large majority drive like fucking maniacs.

I've driven in London most of my life and London drivers make Mass driver's look like the most considerate and careful driver's in the world.

Driving in Mass fucking terrifies me, it's like driving in bloody Shanghai!

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 13:09

Punctuation fail. Blush

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 13:23

There may be many generalisations on this thread.

The statement about MA drivers is not one of them.

elevenclips · 22/08/2017 13:23

Just some things to consider - a relative of mine emigrated, not to America, but I don't think that the actual specific country is the issue.

The issues I think are:

  1. What family do you have in the UK? Aging parents? Shortly needing help to hospital appts/similar? They might not see GC much at all? Even if you think you will travel/they will travel etc, it's always more complicated with little kids, illness, commitments etc. Do you have siblings who would essentially become strangers to their niece/nephew?

  2. your kids are so little at 4&2 that if you went over there now and stayed more than 2-4 years, they would become American. It's not about what nationality they have, it's about their lives - friends, General day to day stuff. They'd pick up the accent quickly. Now, I don't mean that badly to America/Americans, I love them in fact. What I mean is that your kids will never want to move back to England. They will be American and their lives will be in America. Their friends and school will be in America. They will likely marry Americans. This is what we have with my aunt/cousins - the cousins don't consider themselves remotely British, have not seen relatives in 20 years so essentially family is completely and permanently fractured.

Emigrating is fraught with long term consequences and that would be my worry. I would not consider Brexit or trump in your decision though. I am against both but still, that was democracy. The most important thing is family/friends/life. Standard of living here v America is not materially different overall and there are pros and cons of both.

Kursk · 22/08/2017 13:23

I feel lucky to live in Maine, it is very interesting to see the difference in living costs across the states. I knew that NJ, MA and the surrounding states we're expensive but I didn't realize they were that expensive!

Gwenneh that definitely sounds like the hippie dream!

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 14:12

Gwen Grin I'd heard about them being called 'massholes' and vilified for their driving and used to get so annoyed with dh.

Until I drove in Boston. Fucking hell. I was a nervous wreck after 10 minutes! And I've driven all over Europe, including Lisbon, Barca and Italy.

I feel lucky to live in Maine too Kursk. I feel awful even saying it but I feel really proud to be part of such self starting, capable, kind people. I never felt that way in Wales, West Country or London.

Original poster
BenDuck · 22/08/2017 14:20

We love Maine too and are looking at holiday homes here Smile
Whereabouts are you?

OP posts:
Kursk · 22/08/2017 14:25

BenDuck

We are out in the woods in the Fryeburg area.

I agree I never felt strong community values in the UK

fakenamefornow · 22/08/2017 14:26

I would be hesitant- and fully expect not to get into a country where they can insist on checking your social media at immigration, to see if you're anti the POTUS.

Is this true? I'm going to the US In Feb and have posted loads of anti Trump and Brexit stuff. If it were true wouldn't they be turning a significant percentage of people away?

OlennasWimple · 22/08/2017 14:29

Boston and other towns in MA regularly come out as the worst drivers however it is defined. Having driven in Boston and lived to tell the tale, I'm pretty confident driving anywhere.

The trick is not to take all the horn honking personally, get used to using your own horn, be super-speedy off the traffic lights and bullish about pulling across lanes or out of junctions Smile

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 14:32

fakenamefornow No, it isn't. Not in the slightest. You'll be fine.

Circumlocutor · 22/08/2017 14:39

I feel awful even saying it but I feel really proud to be part of such self starting, capable, kind people. I never felt that way in Wales, West Country or London.

Maybe that has more to do with you than these places you've previously lived?

Faffandahalf · 22/08/2017 14:50

Interested to know how many people living in the US on here are non white? I'd like to hear about the race element.

I'm a brown Muslim. No fucking way would I ever go to America.

A place where my kids could be killed by the police for being brown. No way.

Where being a a Muslim would mean being marginalised and othered.

I suppose it depends on the city. I'm in London so a multicultural open free life is the norm. I suppose I would be marginalised and an othered minority in a deep dark part of England too but the US terrifies me.

I don't even want to visit though DH has family in LA. He was interrogated for 3 hours on a lads trip years ago before we met for having printed out travel information on the back of some papers that had Arabic on them. (Non religious)

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 14:50

I live on an island in the Midcoast. We have a year round population of 500-600 which rockets to 2500-3000 in the summer.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 14:56

Although Maine is the whitest (and oldest) state I've never seen any racism. I've had friends of all colours stay with us and they've been happily surprised at how inclusive everyone is.

I agree though, there are certain areas of certain states I'd feel uncomfortable in as a white female. Can't image how anyone who wasn't white would feel.

But as I said, it's a huge place, France is smaller than just Texas.

Kursk · 22/08/2017 14:57

Faffandahalf

As a white person I can't answer that, according to the last Maine census the state is 95.2% white.

From my perspectives as a Brit moving over everyone has been very accommodating and welcoming.

I have had family from London visit who found it shocking how white it was here

gwenneh · 22/08/2017 15:09

Faffandahalf I've honestly typed like six replies because race is uppermost in a lot of minds right now. And I've deleted all of them because my life experience is going to be so far removed from what yours would be that it becomes completely irrelevant.

I think I can say that the living experience varies depending on where you live. But then, I imagine the area where I live to be reasonably multicultural and then I look at the demographic of 80% white and know it really isn't.

I'd like to think that you wouldn't be "othered" in a community of primarily educated, well-travelled individuals but then I think back to the ridiculous hoops the local Islamic Society have had to overcome this year to build a new mosque and I'm not so sure.

newbian · 22/08/2017 15:13

Faff grew up in the US, black child of immigrants. My Asian/Muslim friends in the UK experienced more racism than I did growing up - honestly.

Kittychatcat · 22/08/2017 15:13

I agree with elevenclips. Brexit v Trump and food standards are irrelevant to your decision.

Can you see yourself living in US for the rest of your life whether your relationship lasts or not? If not, don't go.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/08/2017 15:13

What's even more surprising is cities that are very diverse how little integration there is in where people live I find that bizarre

There are great things about America but as I said before if Brexit is a reason you are leaving then think about American society and politics as a society it is more right wing than the UK that is not to say individuals are but what American values are and how America the country is now came about. Many people are reflecting on this and it feels as though it is going good difficult times as we are here. I feel quite isolated from the rest of the world that was before Trump and certainly more so now he is in power

Plus side is a good way of life if you are earning the money and what that is does differ state to state if you are not there is less support than you get here and that support is being taken away for many

SenecaFalls · 22/08/2017 15:20

I love Maine and hesitate to bring this up, but . . .

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/paul-lepage-911-memorial_us_5995e421e4b0a2608a6aa557

Circumlocutor · 22/08/2017 15:22

cities that are very diverse how little integration there is in where people live I find that bizarre

A friend of mine, a white woman married to a black man, says she felt more uncomfortable in the US than in the UK when out and about with her DH. Mixed couples aren't as common over there.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/08/2017 15:27

I wouldn't say couples from different ethnic backgrounds aren't common that would depend on where you are living

What is is that you ethnic background comes with many assumptions (as it does often here) and as we are obsessed with class and how it defines us the US to me seem obsessed with race/ethnic background that defines who you are