Would you move to America if you were me?

[BenDuck]

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

The value of $6k a month, without private schooling or child care costs, will depend on where you live. In my area, the average 3-bedroom house rental is $2200, which would be more than 1/3 of that. Factor in running two cars and the average US budget of $1200 a month for food, and you're starting to feel a bit of a squeeze before you even get to utilities, etc.

Our "feet on the ground" budget is the $10k Want2bSupermum describes and I am going back to work so we can increase that -- it will be the difference between living frugally and living very well, so it's not strictly necessary, but I want to do more than just the day-to-day slog (which is ultimately why we left London.)

To answer a few people, we would be going to Massachusetts, so relatively liberal I guess. Would be buying rather than renting

Home prices in MA are very similar to where I am -- so definitely check ahead before making that decision! Depending on your deposit, a mortgage could be $2-3k a month (as they include property taxes in your monthly payment).

I like Massachusetts. You will get called a Masshole by other states though.

Education system rubbish my arsehole.

It's a HUGE country. Enormous. I wish people would stop making such ignorant and ridiculous sweeping statements.

Every single one of my family and friends that have come out to visit have said they'd move here in a heartbeat if they could.

What do you plan on doing. Before a big move like that you need to know everything that could affect your life and we'll being. What if something happens to your dh and he can no longer work. You have to risk access and not piss in the wind. You're moving your children to another country and you haven't even planned what you are going to do. Anything can happen to you or him.

We're in the 'burbs north of NYC and have a similar feet on the ground budget to want2be

We bought our house based on commute time and location and this all drives the prices. Property taxes are a big % of our monthly outgoing but each area is different as boroughs use them to fund schools, parks, recreation etc.

Things to consider is the cost of living in our experience, is higher than the UK - so two cars, monopoly on utilities so there's no shopping around for the cheapest service. I'd also second the comment on the cost of classes / activities - common round here for a 10 week weekly toddler class to be $400-$600. Also consider the seasons and the impact on costs- it feels like we're always paying out to either run the air con (35C+ in summer) or the heating (-15C in dead of winter) plus the cost of a back up generator as our power lines are so unstable they often go out.

I've been a SAHM for 6 months now and have found it quite isolating - lots of ppl use nannies so you don't meet other mums at groups, plus it can all be a bit of the stepford wife / #soblessed type which grates my gears a bit. Fully acknowledge tho that this could be our area / me being a bit reticent

Italiangreyhound I said she should seriously consider it. Not just give in and go. If someone is so wedded to never leaving their home country they shouldn't marry someone from another one. I have a hard time believing her DH has never mentioned the option of moving back to the US until last week.

It strikes me as profoundly selfish for people to say she should REFUSE to consider moving to the country her husband is from and her children are citizens of. It's the USA for God's sake not Syria.

For the record I'm a dual US/UK citizen and have lived in both countries. There are pros and cons to both and honestly I could raise my family safely and happily in either. A lot of what is on this thread is complete exaggeration.

I like Massachusetts. You will get called a Masshole by other states though

To be fair they do drive like Massholes :-D

That statement up there about an MRI costing $30k is bizarre btw. I have the absolutely shittiest insurance you can imagine, and even I have never been charged $3k for an MRI, and neither has my friend who has no insurance. They're more expensive than they should be, but they're not $30k or even $3k.

What do you plan on doing. Before a big move like that you need to know everything that could affect your life and we'll being. What if something happens to your dh and he can no longer work.

The thing is, you can't know everything that could happen. That was one of the things I struggled with when trying to decide whether or not to make the move. Eventually you have to make the decision based on what you DO know, and accept that you don't know everything.

But you can insure against some of the bad stuff. We have short term disability and long term disability insurance, as well as life insurance. If DH couldn't work then we'd be almost as well off as we are now.

Bealert -

newbian "I said she should seriously consider it. Not just give in and go." Of couse she can, but she asked what others thought, and I think it is a terrible idea.

"If someone is so wedded to never leaving their home country they shouldn't marry someone from another one."

If they wanted to return to their country they should not have married someone from another country, surely.

"I have a hard time believing her DH has never mentioned the option of moving back to the US until last week." Maybe he has and maybe he hasn't but the important thing is did they discuss this before they married or did they just both assume. If they assumed I would say the OP has more ground to stand on because he chose to live here with her and have kids here with her.

"It strikes me as profoundly selfish for people to say she should REFUSE to consider moving to the country her husband is from and her children are citizens of." Is it more selfish than him requiring her to go there and if they split up she is stuck there and can't move back with her kids?

"A lot of what is on this thread is complete exaggeration." Maybe so but is it an exaggeration to say she could not return to her country of origin with the children to the country they were born in, if they split up, if he said so? Because for me that is the deal braker.

It seems clear the OP is not keen, why should his wishes to move the family prevail?

Dh desperately wanted to move to the UK and I couldn't get out quick enough!

Our mortgage on a 1700sqft 2.5 acre house is $1300 a month including taxes and insurance.

Car insurance for 2 cars is $120 a month, fuel is another $180
Food is $160 a month
Electricity is $65
We burn wood we collect ourselves which keeps the heating bill to $200 a year

Mass is a high tax state

Our mortgage with taxes and insurance on 4000 square feet and 5 acres is $1600 but there's sweat equity in it as dh built it.

Bills around the same as Kursk.

I'm shocked at others States taxes.

Our electric is $120- $250 a month. Fucking dh and his fucking light leaving oning.

Food is $160 a month

What are you eating...roadkill?

Wow! our bills are huge compared to some of these figures. DH was earning a big salary, but has recently changed jobs and taken a massive pay cut because he hated his job. Even so, we live at quite a high level, and much more luxuriously than we did in the UK (almost identical job)

Mortgage & taxes = $2,000 pcm (taxes around $7k a year). 2,500 sq feet & an acre.
Food, prob about $500
Gas (car) & insurance = $400 (inc. house ins.)
Gas & electric varies wildly from $50 to $300, average prob. around $150.

So, before we buy clothes or go out or fly home to visit, we go through at least $3,000 a month.

We don't have a college fund & DD starts high school next week, so we need to do something about that.

This thread has got me thinking about why I never really thought all that much about the 'what will happen if we divorce' question.

Although DH Is the American, we decided together to move to the US, and I wanted to be here as much as he did. I never had any intention of moving back to the UK whether we divorced or stayed together.

Also, I think once your children have been here a while they have their own opinions on where they want to be. Mine love where they live and wouldn't want to leave their schools. We take them to the UK regularly and although they love seeing family when they're there, they're always pleased to come back home to the US.

I guess what I'm vaguely saying is that after a while, where you want to live becomes less important than what your children want. When they're 2 and 4 they're fairly easy to move, but when they're 8 and 10 and even more so when they're 12 and 14 it's much more difficult.

Newbian- YYY, a lot of what is on this thread is not only exaggeration but impressions gleaned from movies and tv.

Nevertheless, as someone who has found herself with very limited options following divorce, I would advise caution. There are no medals to be won for doing bold deeds out of a misguided desire to appear fair to someone who has very little to lose by moving.

If the OP has relatives who live close by (not ILs but her own family) her life could be relatively fine if she were to find herself in a relationship that went pear shaped, or if she were to divorce. However, the misery of all that would be magnified by distance from all moral and practical help if she has nobody nearby. There are serious financial side effects to having nobody available to lean on for free if you are a single mother trying to find a job after divorce.

I have come to believe as a result of my own experiences that it is really smart for mothers to weight availability of practical support, a friendly smile from a familiar face, a cup of tea in a kitchen where you have sat a thousand times, etc. far more than factors like income or availability of nearby ski slopes, etc.

Somebody upthread asked the OP if she was familiar with her DH in his own home turf with his old friends, in his old family dynamic, with the warning that a DH can look altogether different in those conditions. I think this was an excellent point. People can revert to old habits of mind, old relationship dynamics can resurface, and you might find yourself looking at your own husband and asking yourself, 'Who is this man?'

I would like to add that the power balance shifts when one person is at home and the other is new to the country. Is this a factor in your H's desire to return to the US? When you are there, you will depend on him for a huge amount of support in acclimatising, finding a social network, translating for you, explaining customs and mores to you - you will be in a teacher-student relationship in some ways. This can affect a relationship.

How likely is your relationship to be seriously stressed by the changes a move would entail? Only you can answer this central question. If your gut is saying stay, then I recommend staying, and perhaps finding some other way to satisfy whatever desire your H has to be in the US, whether that means connecting with US expats more frequently, travel to the US, more meaningful relationship with the UK through involvement in UK culture, sport, volunteering, etc.

If his UK job is not giving him joy, would another UK job help?

Indeed, BabyBarrister.
I couldn't take my DCs across the state line without exH's permission, nor could he without mine.

I'm on the west coast of Canada so not totally the same, but I was just saying to DH the other day that I don't understand what people mean when they say the quality of life is so much better here (he's British, I'm Canadian and we moved here a year ago after 12 years in the UK). What I think they mean is they have a bigger house, a bigger car and there's just more space generally.

Generation:
Certainly you can find Liberal communities that appear on the outside to be nirvana, but if you live somewhere you need look at the bigger picture if you want to really assimilate into society and then bring up your children in an healthy environment.

I agree. I could not have lived in my ILs' city or close to my ILs without grinding my teeth to stumps on a weekly basis. Nine hours away by car was just fine by me.