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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you move to America if you were me?

450 replies

BenDuck · 20/08/2017 19:35

DP is from the US and we have talked for a while about going to live there (East coast) and the conversations are now getting more serious, he is starting to look for jobs etc. I'm still feeling really conflicted though. Part of me wants to, mostly because I fucking HATE brexit and like to be away from it all but also because we would be able to afford a really lovely house there. There is loads of stuff that bothers me though- having to drive everywhere, lower food standards, Trump.
I also worry about my position legally. I'm currently a SAHM but earn a little doing evening work (that I wouldn't be able to do there) so would be v reliant on DH. Esp. as would be hard to get a working visa. I worry about what would happen were we to divorce- would I be stuck there unable to bring DC back to UK (they have dual citizenship)?
Anyone been in a similar boat???

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 22/08/2017 15:33

Purely anecdotal, but I live in the Southern US, and I can't think of anyone I know who does not have an interracial marriage in their immediate or extended family. In my case, a niece. That's not to say that it is fully accepted by all, but it is becoming much more common, and therefore met with less resistance.

Circumlocutor · 22/08/2017 15:43

That sounds positive. Especially considering it's the South.

heyhosilverballs · 22/08/2017 15:56

Please don't mention le page. He's a swear word around these parts. Sad

OlennasWimple · 22/08/2017 16:19

Yy, race in the US is more akin to class in the UK.

Mixed race couples are not uncommon, but still very much the minority IME

Even somewhere like Boston, which is a progressive, liberal city in a progressive, liberal state there is a nasty underbelly of old-fashioned racism. But how much it affects you depends on how you live your life, I think. For example, back in May an away team's black player received some pretty nasty racist abuse by Red Sox fans. He received an apology from the team and the mayor, and support from the Red Sox fans at the next game.

This will have had an impact on lots of POC in Boston / MA, but equally it won't have registered on many people's radar, much as incidents of racism in football will register for some but not everyone.

misssmilla1 · 22/08/2017 17:52

faff DH is American Portuguese and was born in the US in the late '60's. He (and the extended family) experienced low level racism constantly where they grew up (just north of NYC) for being 'wops, spics' etc and also hounded for being Puerto Rican (the locals weren't Puerto Rican...)

It still continues to some extent - he's quite tanned in summer and we often get the side eye as people think he's middle eastern (not that it should matter but it clearly does) We also get pulled ALL THE TIME at the airport in 'random checks' but not so random that its just us and the lady in the hijab / man in the turban etc Hmm

There's a level of casual racism here that I've found surprising, especially to Latin American immigrants (ironic given they're usually the backbone supporting catering, hospitality, cleaning, nannying etc - i.e. the things people rely on the most)

Mightybanhammer · 22/08/2017 19:03

No.

Italiangreyhound · 22/08/2017 20:22

mathanxiety, excellent post.

BeALert · 22/08/2017 21:14

The trick is not to take all the horn honking personally, get used to using your own horn, be super-speedy off the traffic lights and bullish about pulling across lanes or out of junctions

...and if you're a pedestrian, walk defensively when crossing roads! I saw a guy take a left turn through a pedestrian crossing that had a white 'walk' signal and nearly run everyone down. What was really satisfying was watching a Boston police car immediately pull him over for doing it.

BeALert · 22/08/2017 21:16

We also get pulled ALL THE TIME at the airport in 'random checks' but not so random that its just us and the lady in the hijab / man in the turban etc

Ah yes - I used to get that at Heathrow if I turned up with my boyfriend (who was of Pakistani origin but born and raised in Hounslow). Funny how we were pulled aside for 'random' luggage searches every single time.

OlennasWimple · 22/08/2017 21:25

BeAlert - I can't stand MA pedestrians though! Because the law is on their side, even if they shouldn't have been crossing, so many will just step out into the road without looking. I've seen so many near misses, including with prams and small children Shock

Want2bSupermum · 23/08/2017 00:17

Truth be told the racism in the UK is just as bad. I've experienced more racism in the U.K. compared to here in the NYC area.

The whole black culture issue is still working itself out. It's going to take at least another 2 generations for the changes seen on the east coast filter through to middle America.

I've always worked along side muslims and I'm Jewish myself. Everyone is accepted and there is an emphasis on tolerance.

Want2bSupermum · 23/08/2017 00:19

MA drivers are like Jersey drivers. It's not if you will have an accident but when.

We have in NJ jug handles and the Jersey left which is when you floor it on the gas to make a left turn before the oncoming traffic starts moving. It's not for the faint hearted.

TwoShades1 · 23/08/2017 03:42

Firstly I'm not from America, I'm Australian living in oz. But you need to remember that America is a very big country (like Australia)!. And there will be big variations depending on precisely where you are. Even within a state there will be big variations depending on if your in a major city or more rural.

corythatwas · 23/08/2017 07:56

I would not only be thinking about "what if we divorce?" or "what if he dies?" but also about "what about when the children no longer need me in the same way?", "what are my chances of a career and job satisfaction in 10 years' time, 15 years' time"? And, as mathsanxiety said, about the power balance.

A good location is one where both you and your dh can lead a fulfilling life and feel as equals. Is that likely to be the result of this move?

I could have stayed in my birth country when we married, but I thought it would be far more difficult for dh to find a fulfilling place to occupy than it would for me in his country, and I was worried about what it would do to our relationship if he ended up just marking time as an involuntary SAHP or in a dead-end job that had nothing to do with who he was.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2017 11:14

"heyhosilverballs Tue 22-Aug-17 13:08:48
Car insurance is high in Mass because the large majority drive like fucking maniacs.

I've driven in London most of my life and London drivers make Mass driver's look like the most considerate and careful driver's in the world.

Driving in Mass fucking terrifies me, it's like driving in bloody Shanghai!

I don't really understand what you're saying here - you seem to be implying that MA drivers are fucking terrifying etc but then you're saying that London drivers are worse? Is that what you mean?
I mean, you have to be a bit careful in London, but it's nowhere near as bad as some other places (most of Italy, Russia. Hong Kong to name a few!)

finderkeeper · 23/08/2017 11:47

Sorry named changed and can't be arsed to change back but sorry I phrased that completely wrong!

I meant Mass drivers make London drivers look polite/ wonderful etc. I thought that didn't quite read back right, sorry!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2017 11:59

Oh good - that's kind of what I thought you meant Grin

Want2bSupermum · 23/08/2017 13:11

I felt like driving miss daisy in London after driving in Boston and North Jersey. Where I live the pot holes are insane. You can't drive fast but everyone does and swerve to avoid them.

BeALert · 23/08/2017 13:17

I've been driving for 30 years and still get nervous driving through Boston. The tunnels really throw me - the GPS stops working, you suddenly realise there are 3 exits coming up and you've no idea which one you actually need, and there are 400 cars overtaking you in all lanes.

may be exaggerating slightly...

Want2bSupermum · 23/08/2017 13:20

No that's not an exaggeration!!!! Me driving through Boston for the first time was fuck fuck fuckity fuck..... arghhh!!!!!

Thatsnotapotato · 23/08/2017 13:24

Wouldn't move there if you paid me right now, primarily on the basis I cannot comprehend living in an environment where guns are so commonplace. I lived in the US for a while in my 20s and not only did they seem to be everywhere but some of the things I saw people 'do' with them (for fun, showing off etc...) scared the bejesus out of me. It's really stuck with me and raising my kids in an environment where gun ownership, and use, is normalised is not something I could accept. Saying that, I also had some amazing amazing times in the US and I completely appreciate for many people it's a wonderful lifestyle. Good luck with your decision x

OlennasWimple · 23/08/2017 15:14

Oh yeah, the pot holes! The roads are beautiful in New Hampshire then you know you've crossed the state line into MA when the roads are suddenly shit.

yellowox · 23/08/2017 15:33

I wouldnt move there because of the work life balance 10 days holiday (frowned upon if you take it) unpaid overtime. I have health conditions my insurance would be very expensive.

gwenneh · 23/08/2017 15:49

I will say that I have never had only 10 days holiday neither has DH, but he has been in the position where that was the initial offer and he negotiated for more and I've never worked anywhere where it was frowned upon if I took it.

I have worked places, retail jobs & the like, where we were not permitted to take holiday at particular times of the year, but that seems pretty standard in any country I've lived in.

SenecaFalls · 23/08/2017 15:52

Actually some workplaces in the US require you to take vacation. And I have never worked anywhere that frowned on people taking vacation. My current employer has a policy that managers cannot contact us while we are on vacation unless it's a serious emergency.