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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 20/08/2017 09:05

Grasping at straws here (because I'm sure friend would have said), but does friend have one of those black box insurance things that lowers insurance if you drive sensibly and don't take passengers after dark? The sort of thing kids have when they first pass their test?

dolcezza99 · 20/08/2017 09:05

Oh and I see now that if you can’t stretch to a taxi home then you shouldn’t be allowed out at all.
Well, no, you shouldn't, not if it means imposing on someone else to get you home. The OP clearly states that it was very touch and go whether she'd even make the last bus or not, so she should have made contingency plans to get herself home, because that's what grown-ups do. And if you can't, you decline the invitation.

What the OP did was no different to someone who accepts an invitation to go out to dinner knowing they can't afford to pay for the drinks, then expecting their friends to stump up for them, then complaining when they didn't offer to.

Coconutspongexo · 20/08/2017 09:05

I've never seen a driving lesson ever for as cheap as £17!!

FluffyPineapple · 20/08/2017 09:07

I can't understand why you didn't just walk to the car with her seeing as you were both going in the same direction (town).

Did your OH and child have to walk to meet you or does your OH have a car and drove to pick you up?

In your situation I would have driven you home. However, it does piss me off when my non driving friends always expect me to give them a lift home, ask me to take them for hospital appointments, ask me to take them to the supermarket as they are unable to carry all the bags home on the bus. You'd think they could work out their shopping list to fill two bags and go to the supermarket more often but, no, it's easier to ask someone to waste a few hours of their time just to make it easier for themselves.

It isn't about the cost, however it's very rare that friends will offer anything towards petrol costs if we all go out together and I drive, regardless of how much more petrol I will have used driving from one house, to another, to another to pick them up and then drop them home, it's more about being taken for granted. When several friends expect 'favours' because they haven't bothered learning to drive it becomes extremely annoying and time consuming.

I have, recently, started to say 'no' to friends who ask for lifts. Except in certain circumstances where it may make their journey very difficult if they don't trave by car. If that makes me mean then so be it.

They have 3 choices -

  1. Learn to drive
  2. Use public transport or pay a taxi
  3. Walk
Moreisnnogedag · 20/08/2017 09:10

Bloody hell I'd have offered. It's twenty mins - perfect opportunity to have a chat about how great/shit the film was.

For those saying offering a couple of quid doesn't cover the cost of petrol what do you drive?? That's maybe 10-15 miles and even my old car gets just under 10p/mile so a couple of quid would be spot on.

RB68 · 20/08/2017 09:11

you don't need lessons to be paid for. You can go out with any driver. Just choose someone with patience and start off on private land e.g. late evening car parks etc where you can practice the feel of the car etc.

I think you should have made alternate arrangements to buses prior to going. But also yes to using one local to you - just tell friend you can't get back from the other one safely so sorry its a no go. She can pay full price for her ticket instead

turbohamster · 20/08/2017 09:13

I did a 3 mile detour to drop a hitchhiker at the train station the other night. Cannot comprehend someone not offering a lift to a friend over a crappy journey involving multiple buses.

RB68 · 20/08/2017 09:13

Having said that I would give anyone a lift, being safe is a priority. Hospital appts and shopping are v different to a lift home late at night from a venue being used so I can take advantage of cheap tickets

RB68 · 20/08/2017 09:14

sorry third time - thinking about it could you not just have gone to an earlier showing

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/08/2017 09:19

It really must be shit not being able to drive, is all I think when I read threads like this. Life is so restricted. In fact, non-drivers don't even realise how restricted they are (even when they're completely inconvenienced by it), because they don't know what it's like to be a driver.

Not having a go at you OP - your 'friend' is an arse.

StarryCorpulentCunt · 20/08/2017 09:20

If she has just passed perhaps she doesn't want to drive late at night on unfamiliar roads on her own. I wouldn't drive my friend home just after I passed my test. It was a 30 minute drive in the arse end of nowhere and I wouldn't know my way back after dropping her off. I used to worry that I'd get in an accident.

OoohSmooch · 20/08/2017 09:20

I have a couple of friends who don't drive and if I'm driving I always offer to drive them home especially if it was 11pm.

However that's me and others may take the viewpoint (as some have on here) that you not driving is not their problem. Your friend also pays for her car so may feel that you not having the monthly and yearly expense of a car justifies you paying to get a cab home (which actually is fair enough).

However next time, ask your friend before you go to that cinema...."would you be able to drive me home if we go to that cinema otherwise can we go to the one near me?". As the driver I'll always let me friend know before that I'll take them home if they haven't asked already so there's no worry on their part.

Foslady · 20/08/2017 09:24

I think you now have the perfect excuse for turning her down - it's a cheap night for her but she hasn't considered your position. Fine if she doesn't want to give you a lift, but she shouldn't be offended if you don't want to put yourself in that position again. and no matter how good the film was I wouldn't have fully enjoyed it because I'd be concerned about getting home

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 20/08/2017 09:27

She should have offered a lift and it would have been nice of her to check you got home safely. Although I would think she was taking the piss sending a txt after not even bothering to offer a lift - but then I would have offer you a lift.

Maybe she has her reasons, her insurance like a pp said, or possibly if she is new to driving then she might not like to deviate from a ' route' I know people that have been driving for a long time that know only one route. Otherwise she sounds quite mean spirited, not my kind of friend.

What would she have done if you had missed your first bus from the town centre, would she have just left you there ?

IrenetheQuaint · 20/08/2017 09:27

OP - it sounds like you've agreed to an inconvenient cinema in the hope of a lift - but not had the nerve to ask for the lift. The whole situation could have been avoided by you saying in advance:

a) no sorry, that cinema is really inconvenient as I'd have to get two buses home and there's a high risk I'd miss one and have to walk OR

b) OK but only if you can give me a lift back into town, so I can be sure I'll catch the 22.20 which is the last bus back to my village.

Next time, think out the logistics and your strategy in advance.

Sallystyle · 20/08/2017 09:28

I would insist in taking a friend home in a similar situation. You wouldn't have to ask. I would want to do it. I think your friend was really mean. It's basic kindness after all.

If for any reason I genuinely couldn't take you home I would have mentioned it beforehand.

I would hate to be friends with someone like that. If my hypothetical friend has a problem with giving me the occasional lift on a night out at then I would like her to talk to me about that instead of just not offering and not saying anything.

She sounds like a shit friends really. Kindness is something I value in my friendships.

LakieLady · 20/08/2017 09:34

No way would I let a friend undertake a 50-minute, 2-bus trip home late at night when I could give her a lift home in 20. I think it's a bit mean, tbh, unless she had to be home by a specific time for a babysitter or something.

Tobythecat · 20/08/2017 09:35

Ditch the friend. Most decent friends would offer to drive you home, especially late at night. Who the fuck does that to their friend? She wants everything on her terms to suit her. I feel guilty for not being able to drive (autism) but I always offer petrol money if i'm getting a lift in a friends car to cover their petrol.

SuperBeagle · 20/08/2017 09:37

I did a 3 mile detour to drop a hitchhiker at the train station the other night. Cannot comprehend someone not offering a lift to a friend over a crappy journey involving multiple buses.

Right, but this is coming from someone who picked up a hitchhiker.

FineAsWeAre · 20/08/2017 09:39

I wouldn't have agreed to go somewhere if there was a possibility of me missing the bus and I couldn't afford a taxi. I don't drive so I make sure I meet friends somewhere mutually convenient. I don't expect lifts, if my friends who drive offer then I'll offer petrol money or buy them a coffee etc in return. I can't afford driving lessons, not sure why people are surprised that others don't drive.

tearsinmyeyes · 20/08/2017 09:41

Madness that you had to have a child woken up at 11pm so you could have a night out

AsleepAtMyDesk · 20/08/2017 09:42

YABU to expect a lift, but she is also BU to expect you to do that kind of a journey to save her money.
Next time this comes up just say no thanks, the journey home was a nightmare last time as you missed your connection. But you are happy to meet half way between.

Sallystyle · 20/08/2017 09:44

This friend has done everything to her advantage (paying less) and left you paying more, she gets unlimited films for £18 a month? Yet you just get £1.50 off?

Yep. It was all about what benefited her. I would have felt like a right mean arsehole not offering you a lift. Even if it was just to town.

Your transport arrangements are not your friend's business. Nor should she need to know that you got home safely, really do people do this????

Goodness. People really have friends like this? Friends who think it is none of their business how their friends get home safely? And yes, I would text someone if they had to walk home late at night. Not that I would have allowed it to happen in the first place.

I got off a bus at the wrong stop after a concert with my mum early hours of the morning last month. We thought we may as well walk home instead of hanging around waiting for a taxi. We had a man follow us in his car very slowly trying to scare us. It was scary and just drove home the fact that walking home alone at night can be dangerous and not something I would ever let people do if I can give them a lift home myself.

burntoutmum · 20/08/2017 09:46

I definitely couldn't see my friend getting a bus home after a night out, I'd want to make sure she got home safely - and couldn't live with myself if she didn't.

Surely that's what friends are for?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 20/08/2017 09:46

When I go out with friends I often drive, my choice. Otherwise, dh will take me and do pick up. I always offer lifts to friends, regardless of how long it adds to my journey home. They are my friends, why wouldn't I offer? Because they are friends, I want to be certain they get home safely and if I can help out, well, that's what being a friend I'd about. Some of them drive and some don't, or don't have access to a car. It doesn't cost a great deal of petrol, and, to be fair, if I'm driving, they usually cover my contribution to the 'whip' by way of thanks. But I don't expect it.
I would definitely not arrange a night out, for my convenience, and not offer a lift for my friend.