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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 20/08/2017 08:13

Did you raise no issues with that cinema/time? if I arranged something with a friend, they gave no issues about location and said they already had plans to get home I would think that everything is ok. Do you usually ask for a lift or do they offer? Although if I wasn't driving I would usually only accept a lift if it was going in the same direction or v close.

StealthPolarBear · 20/08/2017 08:18

Agree with Pyongyang

strawberrisc · 20/08/2017 08:18

TigerdriverII you sounded unsufferable before you dropped the "S" bomb.

YorkieDorkie · 20/08/2017 08:18

Sorry YABU, if you have a cinema closer to you then you say:
"Friend, there's a cinema closer to me that I'd prefer to go to - as you have a card for the other one I know you'd rather go there but I'll need a lift please as it's too difficult for me to get buses back. And last time we used your cinema, it was a nightmare for me to get home which I don't want to repeat."

Violetcharlotte · 20/08/2017 08:20

If I was your friend I'd have given you a lift OP, and come and picked you up too. It wouldn't have crossed my mind not to! 4 miles is nothing in a car.

To the posters saying £8 is nothing for a taxi, well it is when you're on a tight budget! The OP had planned for spending money on a cinema ticket and bus fare, she hadn't factored in the additional £8. Waking up DD isn't the end of the world - it really won't hurt her as a one off on a Sat night!

In future OP I'd either ask the friend for a lift and offer petrol money, or insist you leave in time to get the bus home.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 20/08/2017 08:22

She's a bit of a shit mate for not offering you a lift, especially as you went to a cinema out of your way for her benefit.

Re the texting to see if you got home safe. That's entirely reasonable, my friends and I do it, especially after one of my friends followed, attacked and dragged into a front garden by a man on her way home from the pub, yards from her house, fortunately she is a tough girl, fought him off and escaped.

That was in one of the leafy, lovely suburbs in the outskirts of London about 15 years ago.

Some friends just aren't as considerate as others, if you enjoy their company though you don't have to end the friendship, just approach the relationship with that in mind. Eg don't meet at a cinema that's good for her, insist on what works better for you and state the reason is that you ended up stranded tonight, as she couldn't be arsed to give you a lift.

She will soon get the message :)

tigerdriverII · 20/08/2017 08:22

strawberrisc

Grin

My work is done, I see.

KeyChange · 20/08/2017 08:28

I would have given a friend a lift. I would also check she got home ok if she had taken two buses after 11pm.

Is she a nervous driver? When I first passed I didn't feel confident driving other people or going unknown routes.

LML83 · 20/08/2017 08:32

Friend should have offered. She knew the bus situation it was rude not too. Especially as you came to a further cinema to suit her.

If she is a good friend otherwise,I wouldn't end friendship over it. Next time meet at closer me cinema or do something else. If she is often selfish i would consider drifting apart.

Understand why you didn't want to walk home alone either and dh obviously agreed. Child been woken as a one off is not a big deal. And now you know about friend you won't let it happen again.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 20/08/2017 08:33

I think both you and your friend were being unreasonable.

If I was in your friends position I would never leave you to make that journey late at night.

If I was in your position I would never have gone to the cinema that far away and that late at night especially knowing the risk that I could miss a bus and be forced to walk home.

I think at least you know now and you can plan better in the future.

SandyDenny · 20/08/2017 08:39

Only on MN do I ever hear anyone say that women should think nothing of walking 45 minutes quite late at night alone and in fact are being pathetic for not doing so.

You know nothing about where the op lives or how feasible it is to walk home, should be happily skip along unlit roads with no pavements or through dangerous areas at midnight?

It would have been nice for the friend to offer a lift but she 's not unreasonable not to. Just learn the lesson for next time.

rider1975 · 20/08/2017 08:39

I'd have asked for a lift on the lines of - hey that's quite a late finish, would you mind dropping me home after the film. If it's a no, then I'd make other arrangements with her.

Btw I'm the only one with a car and I always drop ppl home

cansu · 20/08/2017 08:43

You need to be clearer with her. Next time say I cant go there as it is too difficult or expensive to get home. Fwiw I would always offer a lift or would suggest something closer for you. She sounds a bit of a cow tbh.

5rivers7hills · 20/08/2017 08:46

Don't be a door mat!

"Hi friend. Yes love to go to the cinema but the one you have a car for is a ball ache for me to get to. Can you give me a lift home from the film? If not can we go to ? Cheers me dears xx"

millymae · 20/08/2017 08:46

What a miserable and unsympathetic lot some of you are on here (apologies to those who have answered kindly).

What you seem to have forgotten is that OPs cinema companion is a friend who knew full well that she would have a difficult and lengthy journey home, not some random colleague that she had just met who had no idea of her transport difficulties.

From what OP has said she has always offered petrol money/paid for parking when they have been out together previously, so meanness on her part can't have been the reason why the friend didn't offer to drop her off. The argument that the she might be an unconfident driver doesn't wash with me I'm afraid, she was confident enough to get herself to the cinema so the journey to OP's wouldnt have been beyond her.

FWIW I don't think YABU, friends should help and be kind to each other and on this occasion everything about the evening was done to suit the friend. In my view it would have been right for her to balance things out a bit by offering a lift home.

dolcezza99 · 20/08/2017 08:47

I'm not buying that you couldn't afford a taxi. £8 is nothing. A cinema ticket is about a tenner - why couldn't you pay the extra for a taxi? And if you can't afford to get home, you shouldn't have gone out in the first place.

I detest people who smugly say "I don't drive" and then decide that everyone else has to go 20 minutes out of their way to ferry them around. Take some responsibility for yourself.

CarolinePenvenen · 20/08/2017 08:47

YANBU, she sounds like a catch. Hmm She gets to pick the venue cheapest for her and you get to spend half the evening travelling at much cost and pay more for your ticket. I know what my response to the next suggestion of a night out would be.

In a million years I wouldn’t let someone get two buses home, especially at that time. What sort of a ‘friend’ would? And at that time it’s a nice easy drive, she wouldn’t be spending hours in rush hour traffic. Next time put your foot down about the cinema and make sure you call the shots.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 20/08/2017 08:48

I do think some non-drivers don't always get the inconvenience of giving lifts. Maybe she had something to rush home for? Or was eking out her petrol? Doesn't want it to be assumed she is responsible for all transport when she sees her friends? OP wanted her to quintuple her journey time (less a minute).

I agree with the others OP - you need to be assertive about plans that don't work for you.

LikeARedBalloon · 20/08/2017 08:48

I walked 20 minutes home yesterday mid afternoon. On the way I encountered 3 drunk men, fighting amongst themselves, who then started heckling me. I crossed the road and could walk much faster than them as they were quick drunk and wobbly. I felt unsafe and didn't like it. This was in a quiet area next to a school but between house iyswim, so no one else around. YANBU OP to not want to walk home alone at night.

CarolinePenvenen · 20/08/2017 08:49

Oh and I see now that if you can’t stretch to a taxi home then you shouldn’t be allowed out at all. Hmm Yes poor people! Stay at home and know your place. FFS. Hmm

Violetcharlotte · 20/08/2017 08:51

Dolce I'm glad for you £8 is nothing. For others (me included) who are in tight budget, it isn't! The OP has already said, £8 is what her DP earns for an hours work. I know when I go out I have to work out exactly what I can afford to spend, otherwise I won't go. So for example, you've got a tenner spare for socialising, that would cover a cheap cinema ticket and bus fare. Spending an additional £8 would mean dipping into the, already stretched, food money.

Bluerose27 · 20/08/2017 08:51

How long would it have taken your friend to drive you home?

In my twenties I didn't mind giving people lifts - and still don't really really mind actually - but people who don't drive are a pain. Sorry, but that's how I see it. I've had lessons, passed the test, pay to run a car.

My bil for example hasn't. Because he wants to spend his money on other things/is too lazy. That's fine. But the flip side of that is, coming up to 40 years old, he should be relying on public transport or a bike. To be fair, he usually does cycle. But if we're visiting pil and he asks for a lift home it's 30/40 mins out of our way. The difference between being home at 10:30 or after 11.
That annoys me.

Mumof41987 · 20/08/2017 08:52

YABU for not wanting to pay £8 for a taxi fare . That's a cheap taxi where I live and I can't believe you would wake a sleeping child ! Appalling

horriblehistorieswench · 20/08/2017 08:52

I think I would've framed it that to go to that particular cinema to let her use her prepaid card (sorry if I've missed this but did that cover you or did you have to pay your way in?) is fine but in return you need a lift, if not all the way home then into town so you'd make the last bus. There should be room for give and take in friendships

treaclesoda · 20/08/2017 08:54

I think you're both unreasonable.

Her for wanting to meet up somewhere that she knew was inconvenient for you. And you for agreeing to meet up somewhere that you knew didn't suit, and then hoping that she'd offer you a lift.