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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
bigfatdoughnut · 20/08/2017 18:21

I would give friend a lift in those circumstances. I wouldn't have just left her and not at least offered and I would have sent quick text to make sure she got home ok if she taken the bus. Friends care, don't they?! Confused

FuzzyOwl · 20/08/2017 18:25

Then I would just refuse to go with her every other time she suggests it and say you cannot afford it because the travel costs you X amount more and you don't have that spare money at the moment. Then see if another friend will go with you to the cinema you want to go to and see whatever you want. Then the next time she asks you can go to her choice of cinema.

AvoidingCallenetics · 20/08/2017 18:28

She wants all her own way doesn't she? Time to stop giving it to her so much I think. Maybe you amd your other friend should say 'we are going to X restaurant. Do you want to come?' Thrn shr can say yes or no rather than dictate where everybody goes.

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/08/2017 18:36

sandy you honestly think its ok to wake someone, anyone, regardless of age, up to go out and collect someone who is perfectly capable of walking or using public transport?! Obviously emergencies are different but would you like it if someone did it for you in these circumstances?! Really?! Confused

OfficerVanHalen · 20/08/2017 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 18:43

If she offered you a lift I would give her a fiver for a lift all the way home. I wouldn't ask for a lift though it would be up to her to offer.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2017 18:43

It might be irrelevant but i don't really understand 'I don't drive because I don't think I'd be good at it.' Nearly everyone else manages and there are a lot of really stupid incompetent people out there.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:48

OfficerVanHalen - about once a month. I don't mind paying to get the bus because it saves me walking the 20 mins back I'd have to do from the cinema closest to me. I've always thought I'd rather pay £2.50 and get the bus then her be down £10 and not benefit in any way . At least I'd be benefiting by getting a more comfortable journey there and back.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:50

RainbowPastel - thank you. I don't think I will put myself in a position where I need a lift from her ever again but will make sure I have a fiver in my purse in case.

OP posts:
AvoidingCallenetics · 20/08/2017 18:54

time there are a lot of stupid, incompetent people who shouldn't be driving, who cause accidents because they are too arrogant to admit that they really are not good enough drivers.

I admire people who know they wouldn't be good drivers and so spare us their presence on the road.

bellaboo101 · 20/08/2017 18:58

@timeisnotaline I had driving lessons for a year, I was absolutely awful at it.
So after that year I decided not to continue.

Not everyone is up to driving.

Witsender · 20/08/2017 19:17

I don't know tbh. 20 mins at night can feel like a long time, and if a friend, a grown adult, doesn't mention a lift I assume they have made their own arrangements that they are happy with. I'm not that bothered about getting buses and have done when needed. Likewise would have no issue waking kids up and popping them back into bed.

However I have always been a driver, and been the one that ends up driving everyone everywhere (and never offered fuel money!) so maybe I'm just keen not to do the same to someone else.

I also think that everyone perceives risk differently. You felt at risk walking and on buses etc, she didn't feel it was a risk. But tbh if you feel that public transport etc is such a risk, why make arrangements that rely on it? You clearly were angling for/assuming a lift would be on offer, otherwise you wouldn't have made these arrangements that made you feel so vulnerable and now feel resentful of her.

The thing with fuel money as well is that it is only fair to ffer more than a quid or two, you're not just covering their fuel but the use of their car, time etc. It's a gesture.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 19:33

Yes I will offer a fiver minimum in future and factor that into my costs. However I won't put myself in that position again.

If I say it will cost £9 to go to cinema B (just looked and they are cheaper, never realised!) and £19 to go to cinema A (£10 ticket plus £4 bus fare and £5 lift money/taxi money) she will have the option to go on her own/go to my cinema and suck up the £9 loss or offer me a free lift if I can't bus it (I'd still be down £5 but would get a nicer journey). I can't really justify paying her £5 on top of £14.

OP posts:
user997799779977 · 20/08/2017 21:20

user997799779977 - how much would you expect a friend to offer if you dropped them off on a route you were going on anyway? and how much would you expect for a journey that added on 18 minutes?

I don't charge my friend if I offer her a ride. But if she's an entitled type who expects me to give her a ride, and then gives me £1-2 pound for 18 extra minutes late at night when I want to be home, I'd be annoyed.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2017 21:28

user you sound very nice not! Then friend should not expect op to go the far away cinema,vand shod go to ones near op, if she wants op to come. If she expects op to travel, than she should offer op a lift, especially late at night. That's what friends do!

Witsender · 20/08/2017 21:38

Well the OP can always say no. As an adult, that is always an option.

SandyDenny · 20/08/2017 21:40

sandy you honestly think its ok to wake someone, anyone, regardless of age, up to go out and collect someone who is perfectly capable of walking or using public transport?! Obviously emergencies are different but would you like it if someone did it for you in these circumstances?! Really?!

Assuming I was the male partner and my female partner phoned late at night and said she was nervous about a 40 minute walk home alone of course I wouldn't mind about popping out in the car for 10 minutes. Would you? that would stike me as a very odd reaction from a partner. Are you saying he tell her not to be so stupid and just walk home while he goes back to sleep?

I wouldn't refuse a friend a lift on those circumstances never mind a partner but I don't go along with the hard faced attitudes of many posters here, hell I even do stuff for my teenage children.

CarolinePenvenen · 20/08/2017 21:42

There are some weird ideas of ‘friends’ on this thread. I wouldn’t think twice about making sure a friend got home ok and giving a lift. And I’m pretty skint but I wouldn’t accept petrol money for that either. That’s part of being a friend isn’t it? Otherwise you’re just two people that meet for the cinema every so often.

hopsalong · 20/08/2017 21:47

I do think it would have been nice for your friend to offer a lift (and fine for you to have asked). But are you sure the real issue isn't frustration with not having more control over your own leisure time / being powerless? The worry about missing the buses, not being able to drive, not being able to pick the cinema, not easily being able to afford the cab, having to depend on DH/ wake your child up... I for one would find that very depressing. Could you imagine a world in which you had more choices and, in fact, more freedom?

FritzDonovan · 20/08/2017 22:06

not everyone texts and waits for an alls well

Sorry fritz in my experience that person is a shit friend, it takes just a minute to do this.

Believe it or not, ppl went out and got back ok before mobile phones, and continue to do so. I have sent and received the 'back ok' text, but wouldn't think any worse of a friend who didn't.

As to this occasion - OP specifically stated near the start that her friend usually asks, although then later states she hasn't had a lift the last 10 times they went out. So this isn't the friend being shit at all. Maybe she's asked and been turned down so many times so didn't bother. We don't know, and I don't think OP cares what the reason was, she was just put out at not being asked.

OP, you put yourself in this position, no-one else. TBH, by the way you have jumped to conclusions /badly estimated times from town/price of ticket /taxi etc, I wouldn't be surprised if you were taking offence here when there is a simple reason. Why don't you ask her?

cluelessnewmum · 20/08/2017 22:31

Sorry yabu. Alot of non-drivers think that giving a lift isn't a big deal, when it is more hassle than they realise.

I am one of the few people on my friendship group who owns a car and get a bit tired of the assumptions I'll give a lift, it might only be 20 mins and may take person without a car twice as long on public transport, but it adds up, I don't want to go to bed 20 (or whatever) mins later every time.

Cars cost thousands of pounds to own and run, if you don't drive a car that's a lot of taxis you can afford to take with the money you save by not driving.

You should either not plan nights out so far away from where you live or swallow the cost of taxis.

I would also consider trying to overcome your fears about driving, it must put a lot of pressure on your dh to be the only driver.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2017 22:50

Op shoukd arrange nearer, if friend does not want to, don't go if it's going to be a hassle transport wise.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 22:52

cluelessnewmum - my DP is a petrol head and drives for a living. He's a great driver and doesn't mind I don't drive. I do things for him he can't/doesn't like to do.

hopsalong - I don't feel frustration at not being able to drive. The buses in my town are regular, we have a retail park nearby with a cinema and restaurants that I can get to easily. The town centre is easy to get to as well via buses. I grew up in a non car owning family so am used to getting myself about. Going out last night was a mistake which I have admitted to.

FritzDonovan - I don't think she doesn't offer lifts because she has been turned down lots. I don't think she offers often as she walks if she is meeting people in town centre and most of her friends/family that she sees often drive (apart from me).

I'm not sure there was a reason apart from not wanting to use petrol/get home later. They are fair enough reasons so I don't want to question her about it.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/08/2017 22:52

But it would have been good of her to offer you a lift, especially on your own, Late at night, thought friends look out for one another. Just lower your expectations of her, and arrange what suits you.

WooWooSister · 20/08/2017 23:00

I think your plan of making the costs clear next time is a good one.
Sometimes I forget to offer lifts. I'm not an awful person. Usually I do offer but occasionally I'm distracted. I'd much prefer a friend asked than had to get on and off buses.