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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 16:40

I assume the child wasn't in bed when the OP set off on her night out. My DH would never expect me to get buses alone at night. Why is the friend getting a bad time but the DP only picked the OP up when she rang?

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 16:41

bimbobaggins - In hindsight I should have just said that that cinema didn't suit me. I didn't suggest we went to the closer cinema as that would have been a definite no. She is quite stubborn and would in no way attend that cinema when it cost her £10 extra.

This thread has opened my eyes a bit as I'd feel awful costing her £10 extra to go to the cinema near me but I'd pay £4 bus fare plus a tax fare on top myself to go to the other one.

melj1213 - I'm not sure it makes much difference but there would be no country roads or unlit roads on the journey. I don't think I'm entitled. If I were I'd have just walked to her car and assumed she'd be dropping me off.

I am going to take the advice of people here that I was being unreasonable to hope for a lift and next time she suggests that cinema will say I missed the last bus back last time and can only go if I have a lift at least partially back in exchange for money.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 16:47

RainbowPastel - I left at 7.20 and it wasn't dark outside and I have no problems getting buses about. The problem was the lack of buses at 11pm. They run a lot more at 7!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 20/08/2017 16:49

I am going to take the advice of people here that I was being unreasonable to hope for a lift and next time she suggests that cinema will say I missed the last bus back last time and can only go if I have a lift at least partially back in exchange for money.

You are in no way unreasonable to hope for a lift, the way I read it, it is all to benefit her. I would say next time you offer to go to the cinema near you or not at all.

I have never in my life, in the 25 or so years I've been driving, ever let a friend [male or female] get a bus late at night...I've even scolded people for not contacting me when they were nearby and felt vulnerable as I value my friends and want them alive and well and would have come and rescued them if I could.

Lweji · 20/08/2017 16:56

If the deal is that her ticket costs her only a few pounds vs almost full price for you plus bus or taxi money, then I'd feel she owes you a lift, at the very least back home, to even things out if she wants your company to the cinema.
Otherwise, go to different cinemas and ring eachother to discuss the movie. Grin

SandyDenny · 20/08/2017 16:58

What's the big deal about quickly popping a sleeping child in the car for 20 mins and straight back into bed.

I'm missing something, why is that an issue, seems like something people would do regularly if there's only one car or one driver in a family.

The child's not going to come to any harm, I can't believe some posters thought the OP waited for 44 minutes in the dark for her dp and dd to walk to her so they could all walk home again. Not that would be unreasonable Grin

Viviennemary · 20/08/2017 16:59

If it's twenty minutes out of her way then I think it's a bit unreasonable of you to expect a lift automatically. But she is a bit cheeky insisting on this cinema because she has a cheap ticket. Next time just say that cinema is too inconvenient for you to get home from and last time you missed the last bus. And take it from there.

itsbetterthanabox · 20/08/2017 17:15

Irrelevant to this I do think some people who don't drive (and who do and want to drink) very stubbornly won't use taxis and I'm not sure why. Sometimes it's worth spending an extra couple of quid if you can afford it not to have to take so many buses. I'm a non driver and use a mix of trains, buses, walking and taxis. Some people look at me like I'm insane for ever using a taxi.

user997799779977 · 20/08/2017 17:20

I've only started driving recently and I don't give people lifts because I am uncomfortable when it comes to the roads I don't usually drive on. I think you are rather entitled, OP, to expect a lift. And £1-2 pounds? Is that a joke? When I was taking public transport I never asked or expected my friend to take me anywhere, even at night.

tararabumdeay · 20/08/2017 17:25

If you can't drive on 'roads you don't usually drive on' then you shouldn't be driving.

Turquoisa · 20/08/2017 17:26

Don't overanalyse this situation-she should have offered you a lift and if she's totally insecure about driving she would have said (I would) maybe she forgot -humans are so random not everyone follows flowchart thought patterns-however try and pre-empt future situations for your sake. I have a friend who can't drive and she's always saying let's go shopping , park etc I know she feels comfortable asking me but it just annoys me so I just make excuses -u can't make everyone happy at the risk of being annoyed.

Underthemoonlight · 20/08/2017 17:34

I think op you need to bite the bullet a learn to drive to gain your own independence. For the last 7 years I didn't drive but now I passed,what a difference it makes being independent getting to and from places I couldn't before. Its not your friends responsibility to get you home safely your a grown woman

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 17:40

user997799779977 - how much would you expect a friend to offer if you dropped them off on a route you were going on anyway? and how much would you expect for a journey that added on 18 minutes?

Genuinely interested and will bear in mind the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 17:42

Underthemoonlight - I understand what you are saying but most of the time I do get about under my own steam. As I said earlier the last 9 times we met up before last night I have got home myself. This was an odd occasion.

OP posts:
FuzzyOwl · 20/08/2017 17:42

Can you not just alternate the cinema you go to, so one time it is the one convenient to her and the next time the one that suits you.

Some people are nervous drivers, others want to get to bed/eat etc and a 20 min detour after midnight is a long time, and other people will have found out the hard way that it becomes expected of them to be everyone's taxi when they are the only one with a car. Maybe she hardly ever has much petrol or diesel in the car and dropping you off would have also meant going to a garage and filling it up.

Ultimately everyone is the only person responsible for themselves and you need to plan your social and work activities by relying upon yourself and nobody else.

JulietNeverMetRomeo · 20/08/2017 17:42

OP I would have given you a lift as I wouldn't want my friend struggling to get home late at night. However, your error was to agree to visit that particular cinema leaving you with an issue getting home and not being clear with your friend what you needed. My issue with friends who don't drive are when they aren't ready to be picked up, which can mean an anxious wait keeping an eye out for a traffic warden and not saying thank you for lift. One friend just expected lifts off me which peed me off.

morningtoncrescent62 · 20/08/2017 17:45

You are in no way unreasonable to hope for a lift, the way I read it, it is all to benefit her. I would say next time you offer to go to the cinema near you or not at all.

This. It's not unreasonable to hope for a lift, but as an adult, it's unreasonable not to ask for one in order to be able to get back from the cinema that suits her. I think it would be unreasonable to end your friendship over this, though, when you didn't even ask. Next time, explain that the other cinema doesn't work for you because of the long and complicated journey, and say you could go if she gives you a lift home afterwards, or if that's not possible for her, that you go to the cinema nearer to you.

I'm also a non-driver, for much the same reason as you. I've learnt:

a) Don't expect a lift, or hint that you'd like one - if it's necessary, ask, but be prepared to be told no
b) Sort it out in advance - try not to be left by the roadside without means to get home

Most of my driving friends are very thoughtful about offering lifts, and I'm more likely to find myself turning them down than asking - I don't like obliging anyone to go out of their way for me when it's a journey I can manage perfectly well on the bus.

RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 17:51

I think you should offer at least a fiver a few pounds is insulting.

NeonFlower · 20/08/2017 17:55

I think she was selfish dictating the cinema and not offering you a lift. She may not wish to get into regularly giving lifts though. I think you should definitely get into the habit of saying, 'sorry, the bus times don't work, shall we go somewhere else?'

MadMags · 20/08/2017 17:56

Was she dictating the cinema though, or saying "do you fancy seeing Girls Night at X Cinema?"

OP was under no obligation to accept an invitation that didn't suit!

Butterymuffin · 20/08/2017 17:59

OP, you don't sound confident about saying no to her or asserting your own preferences. Is that how you feel?

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:04

FuzzyOwl - she will alternate. Her reasoning will be she pays to see films at cinema A so a trip to cinema B will leave her out of pocket by £10 plus if she doesn't see at least 2 other films at cinema A will be out of pocket on the subscription.

I have always agreed that that would be unfair on her. Normally I get a £1.50 discount and pay £4 for the bus so am only paying £2.50 more than if we go to cinema B. It's only last night that my travel costs (minus £1.50 discount) would have been closer to £10 going to cinema A and not B.

RainbowPastel - is it that £5 to be dropped off partially or the whole way home?

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:08

Butterymuffin - yes you are right I think. We often disagree on restaurant choices and I usually back down or it just eds up in a stalemate. There was a similar thing at Xmas with her other friend who wanted to go to a particular restaurant and my friend wouldn't budge which caused some resentment. My friend loves her birthday week as she gets to dictate the restaurants!

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:10

MadMags - yes you are right and in hindsight I should have refused the invite. I accept I was wrong to go without adequate buses.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 18:11

oops I meant will NOT alternate in my reply to FuzzyOwl.

OP posts: