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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at friend not offering a lift?

463 replies

jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 00:28

Just home from a cinema trip with a friend. I don't drive but she passed her test a couple of years ago. When we went on nights out prior to this we got the bus or shared taxis or if one of us was picked by a relative offered the other a lift too. Normally we meet up in the centre of town (5 min walk home for her/20 min bus ride home for me) but tonight we went to a cinema the opposite side of town.

There is a cinema much closer to me (20 min walk at most) but she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for.

She drove to the cinema tonight and I got 2 buses and had a 50 min journey there. I had worked out the buses previously and there was a chance I could get the last bus home from the cinema (22.58) if the film finished promptly however the last bus from the town centre was due to leave 2 mins before that bus got to town.

I didn't want to ask for a lift directly but told her I would have to leave straightaway and that it was the final bus etc but she just said the film should finish in time for me to catch that bus. I feel a but upset that she didn't offer and was happy to leave me to get 2 buses home at 11pm at night. I always ask her to text me when she is home when she has walked but didn't get the same from her. Still no text to make sure I got home safe now.

For clarity it's very rare she gives me a lift, maybe 4 times since she has passed and I have always offered a bit of petrol money or paid for parking. If she had dropped me off it would have added 15/20 minutes to her journey.

In the end I managed to catch the bus from the cinema to the town centre but missed the bus from town to home. My DP ended up waking our daughter up to get me as I didn't want to walk 30 mins alone in the dark or pay a high taxi fare.

I am considering our friendship but maybe I'm being over dramatic?

OP posts:
Countdowntofour · 20/08/2017 10:34

chance * not choice.

PrimalLass · 20/08/2017 10:46

Your friend sounds like a taker. Next time just say no to going there because you can't get home.

Allthewaves · 20/08/2017 10:48

Surely this is simple, you say to your friend that if she wants to go to that cinema then she's going to need to pick you up and drop you off or you go to the nearer cinema

chickenowner · 20/08/2017 10:48

Some people who don't drive seem to think that being given lifts involves no effort or cost to the driver, and expect lifts all the time.

Not all people are like this but I think that many drivers have experienced this at least once.

I once arranged to give a friend a lift to another friend's house after work. Her bus from work went past my flat so we arranged that she would get off the bus at my house and I would drive us from there.

She texted me to tell me that she was now at home as she had heavy things to carry so hadn't wanted to take them with her to work. She waited until after work to tell me this.

I had no choice but to drive all the way to her house, wait for her illegally in a bus stop outside her flat, then drive past my flat to our friend's house.

She didn't seem to see that this was a problem for me in any way.

That was the last time I offered her a lift anywhere.

Boulshired · 20/08/2017 11:02

The lift is not your problem, not being assertive enough to say no to friend about the cinema in the first place was. I would never expect a friend to travel by bus /walk taxis out of their way to save me money. Do not put yourself in this position again. Meeting friends should be beneficial to all involved.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 20/08/2017 11:07

I would never allow a friend to go home alone in the dark after the cinema, even if she hadn't come specifically to that one for my convenience. YANBU for that but I do think you shoulder some responsibility for not being firmer in the fire place about the cinema and saying the location didn't suit you.

As a driver, it is annoying when non drivers expect lifts but I'd rather be a bit annoyed than leave a friend in the lurch. Heck, I wouldn't even leave an acquaintance in the lurch. If you asked nicely and were grateful, I'd always give a lift. I wouldn't take the money either unless I was really, really short and it was a long way but I appreciate I'm fortunate in this respect.

MadMags · 20/08/2017 11:32

I have a sister and a particular friend, neither but of whom drive.

They've sort of come to expect lifts now because I wouldn't never not give them a lift, BUT, I do think they forget sometimes how inconvenient it can be.

Either way, if OP was my friend she wouldn't have even had to ask. However, she should have asked outright rather than have her child dragged out of the bed at close to midnight!

I don't think it's U for the friend to want to go to the cinema that she has membership of, otherwise what would be the point in her even having that card??

But it wouldn't have been U for OP to refuse because it was inconvenient, and she couldn't afford a taxi back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2017 11:32

"she has a prepaid cinema card which is for a different chain so we have to use cinemas that she has the card for."
No. No you don't HAVE to. She WANTS you to, but you don't have to. You need to give yourself permission to say 'no'.

Going to that cinema not only makes it difficult for you to get home, it increases your costs. So she's saving money, but costing you money. I find that quite selfish of her.

Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 12:19

Wow loads of replies.

To clarify DD didn't walk anywhere. My DP drives so they came in the car and it was a 20 min round journey at most. She thought she was having an adventure and wasn't upset at all but I agree that I was bu to have had her woken up.

Re - the black box. I don't think so has she has driven me home at night before.

In regards to how often she gives me lifts - the last 10 times we have met up I have got there and back without a lift from her (although one of the times her grandad dropped me off however it was after she had been dropped off and didn't put her out iyswim). The last lift I had was from the cinema we went to last night back in Feb.

I think because she did drop me off from there last time I did kind of hope the same would happen yesterday. As you can see she doesn't drop me home often. I would understand a bit more if I needed/asked for lifts regularly.

I don't think she would have had much to rush home for (no kids, no partner, lives alone, no health issues etc) and when I said I needed to rush straightaway after the film she didn't agree she needed to either.

Re - dropping hints. I guess I did but it was only as ''I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to leave as soon as the credits come up because this is the last bus home and then the same for the bus in town, just wanted to say in case you think I'm being rude just running off''.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenniferl1983 · 20/08/2017 12:33

What upset wasn't that she didn't offer because it would save me money, time etc, it was that I was left in my mind in a vulnerable position. I don't drive so maybe it's different but I keep imagining my friend or my mum, or daughter or sil being left there and driving off and I really don't think I could do it. In the past my DP has given lifts to a different friend of mine who lives less than 10 mins walk away from the town centre because I hate the thought of her walking alone at night.

This probably sounds over dramatic but when I walked to the bus stop I didn't pass anyone, there were cars in the distance but none came past. The bus stop is next to a leisure centre which was closed and there are no houses around so it felt quite lonely there and I did feel vulnerable. That's what upset me. As I said in the day time, no issue with her just driving off.

To the poster who said why didn't I walk to her car, the bus stop was in a different direction. If I had walked to her car to see her get it to safely I may have missed my bus home.

To the poster who said I should have left earlier - I couldn't change what time the bus I took into town got there. A few minutes earlier I would have caught the second bus but I can't make the bus go quicker sadly.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 20/08/2017 12:44

I always offer lifts, always. I have been known to go backs and forth to the park three times to drop kids and parents and take them home. The petrol cost is tiny compared to the hassle of a mother dragging kids and picnics on local transport. WhenI did a hypnobirthibg course a "friend" who was on the same course just drove past me as I stood 39weeks pregnant at the bus stop on crutches at 10.30 at night. I never spoke to her again. My dh was livid when i told him. Both of us are regularily late home because we have offered so and so a lift. It is just normal to us to go slightly out of our way to help out.

RainbowPastel · 20/08/2017 13:37

So your DP drives and he didn't offer you a lift? He should have taken you not relied on your friend.

wrenika · 20/08/2017 13:39

Maybe she's not happy giving lifts. I've been driving for over 10 years, but I can count on one hand the number of people I've had in my car - just because I don't like being responsible for their safety. I've never had an accident, but I still feel very responsible for any passengers. I don't say no to people, but I just avoid being asked. My SIL is always dropping hints about trips to IKEA and such, but I avoid them because I really don't want to be the driver. But I'm the only one out of myself, my partner, her and her partner who drive! It's not always a snub necessarily...some folk just aren't keen giving lifts.

Butterymuffin · 20/08/2017 13:50

Rainbow I'd assume the DP was staying home with their young child who was already in bed?
Also, it's the return, late night journey that's always going to be the real issue. And the DP would then definitely be tied to the home as above.

bimbobaggins · 20/08/2017 13:56

Op thanks for replying to some of the questions, can I ask, why didn't you just say that that particular cinema didn't suit you logistically just because it suited her to use her card?

Lweji · 20/08/2017 13:59

So your DP drives and he didn't offer you a lift? He should have taken you not relied on your friend.

Because he was at home with the sleeping child, fgs.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 20/08/2017 14:04

It always amazes me when people refer to 'friends' and then don't act like ones and don't expect them to act like ones.

I would not hesitate asking a friend for a lift. I would have no problem going 20 minutes out of my way to give a friend a lift. I don't mind being asked either as we are friends.

I think YABU.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/08/2017 14:06

But it wasn't her not offering you a lift that put you in a vulnerable position. It was you going out to a cinema 2 bus rides away so late. No lift had been offered so you chose to do it on the bus. No-one made you. I'm not sure why you're insistung on trying to make it your friends fault?

Adarajames · 20/08/2017 14:15

chicken of course you had a choice, she changed the arrangements without telling / consulting you, so you just should've said no, easy!

IGotRainedOn · 20/08/2017 14:24

What upset wasn't that she didn't offer because it would save me money, time etc, it was that I was left in my mind in a vulnerable position.

You put yourself in that position not her. It would have been nice if she had offered you a lift but I think it's unfair of you to blame her for being in that situation.

Coldkebab · 20/08/2017 14:49

I cant see a problem with waking a child in an emergancy. Iv woken my dd before to go to my parents when my ex tried to break in one night. Doesnt mske me a bad person. I do however think that you cant rely on others to drive you around. I give lifts but i hate bei g asked to and put on the spot. Im an early bird and dont like being out late

JustMumNowNotMe · 20/08/2017 15:01

I cant see a problem with waking a child in an emergancy

What emergency?! The OP didn't have an emergency, she just didn't want to walk home becuase she was "vulnerable". There was absolutely no need to wake the poor girl.

YouCallThataKnife · 20/08/2017 15:34

not everyone texts and waits for an alls well

Sorry fritz in my experience that person is a shit friend, it takes just a minute to do this.

OP, I would not waste my time on a 'friend' with this lack of care towards you.

melj1213 · 20/08/2017 16:08

What upset wasn't that she didn't offer because it would save me money, time etc, it was that I was left in my mind in a vulnerable position.

YABU to have this attitude ... it is not her responsibility.

I have said before on this thread that you would not be unreasonable to ask for a lift but you seem to be of the opinion that you shouldn't have to ask as it will make you feel uneasy but that your friend should automatically offer regardless of whether it would inconvenience her and every post you make is just making you look entitled to me as you are finding excuse after excuse why you shouldn't need to ask and are putting your feelings onto your friend's behaviour.

30 minutes out of the way is inconvenient late at night, especially if it's not on main roads ... I live in a large town in the Lake District and dropping a friend off at home 30 minutes away could have you driving down well lit main roads or down tiny country lanes. Even as an experienced driver I am not a fan of driving down the country lanes alone at midnight.

She did not force you to be in a vulnerable position, you did that by not speaking up. You had multiple opportunities to ask her for a lift and chose not to because you felt uncomfortable/uneasy/unable to. She has no obligation to offer and, whilst it would be nice of her to, if you have agreed to plans and haven't asked for a lift during the planning stage then she is free to assume that you don't need a lift.

If you had got to the cinema and said "I though I could make the bus connection after the film but it's looking really tight, is there any chance of a lift into town so that I only have to get the one bus?" then I don't see why your friend would have an issue - you say she lives 5mins walk from that bus stop so it would barely have been a detour - though I can see why she might be reluctant to offer a lift all the way home as it would be out of her way and there was a bus available.

In addition, I am finding some of the posts on this thread quite patronising ... I am a 28 year old woman and I am more than capable of getting myself home from an event late at night. If I needed a lift I would ask for one and if I don't ask then I already have my journey home arranged/pre-planned. If a friend then offered and I knew it would not be inconveniencing them then I would probably accept with thanks and an offer of petrol money (or at least that I owed them a coffee). If I knew it would be out of their way or inconvenient (to either of us - eg if I knew they would want to leave significantly earlier/later than me) I would politely refuse and let them know I had my journey covered. If they continued to "insist" on giving me a lift then I would actually start to feel insulted that they thought they could override my decision.

AvoidingCallenetics · 20/08/2017 16:36

I do think that going to this cinema was a mistake. Your 'friend' did what was convenient for her and in future you have to do what suits you. Two buses late at night is not at all convenient so you have to arrange to meet closer to where you live.
She doesn't owe you a lift (but a decent friend would have seen you home) but equally you don't owe it to her to make the night out all about her convenience.