DS wants to change his first name due to teasing

[mashedpotatoes]

My DS has said for a few years that he doesn't like his first name but for the last year he has been getting teased at school because it rhymes with something insulting and he reacts aggressively when this happens.
Over the summer holidays he has chosen two names which he says he prefers rather than his real name. One day he says he prefers one name and the next day it's the other name.
I would be completely happy for him to change if he wants to, but what concerns me is the reaction of everyone else. To start with, I don't think DH is 100% convinced. As a new school year is approaching I think September would be a good time to do it, but I'm not sure how to go about it and if his school friends will accept it.
Does anyone have any advice?

Let him go for it. I changed the pronunciation of my name when I was 9. The version I went by was easily shortened and I didn't like it so I made everyone pronounce it differently. I was much happier.

itwillbefine no, the way it is pronounced is spelling C-O-N.

It's such a silly insult that might have only been said once but others latched on to it. As pps said, you can't bully proof a name. You can come up with a rude nickname for anyone's name if you put your mind to it.

Life is too short for him to have to put up with this - although I don't think he should have to change his name, I would let him do it if he wants.

As an aside, we previously had acquaintances with the surname Kerr, who wanted to name their baby boy Ewan. They changed their mind after someone pointed out the hidden word in the name Ewan Kerr.

I wouldn't change it. It's his name and I wouldn't let the children who are teasing him win. If he changes it they'll probably just start making fun of him for it or else pick something else to tease him over-they'll want to see what else they can make him change.

Op, sorry your son has had to put up with bullying because of his name. I wouldn't change his name, the bullies will find something else to pick on him for. The school should be doing more to stop this.

Hi OP
Research from MIT (iirc) has shown that everyone more or less gets fed "bullying lines" by those kids who pick on people. However only a few become repeat victims, and it is indeed those who give a response (verbally or not) that shows that they are bothered by the line. This marks them out as a good 'victim'. Responding with anger or upset both count as "bothered" responses. This is why practising a "not bothered" response is such good advice. It could be an eye roll, a come back, playing along, or a "not bothered" retort along the lines of 'very original, never heard that before you must be a comedy genius'. The crucial thing is that responding in a "not bothered" way is an evidence based strategy that is what it has been demonstrated that socially successful people do when they are fed these "bullying lines". So in terms of managing his bullies, if he can do this it would be a more effective long term strategy than changing his name, which is a massive "this has bothered me" response and sadly is almost guaranteed to have the little shits just move on to picking on something else.
Best if luck to him. Owen is a lovely name.

italiangreyhound so they pick on strong, dominant characters do they? Stick with the armchair psychology, you wouldn't make a living in the real world with it.

I'm afraid that the bullies are, however wrongly, however unpleasantly, responding to his response

he reacts aggressively

Until this is changed, all the interventions will be in vain. I apologise if this sounds like victim blaming, but it is giving them, the bullies, the oxygen of attention and reaction. Starve them of that, and the teasing will fall away. Contrast that with how he feel if, as PPs have said, the teasing changes to 'what did you used to be called' or worse...

Working on a range of alternative reactions, all much less gratifying to the perpetrators, will be useful in the short term, in getting them off his back and will also show him up as a decent friends, so that other decent pupils will appear and become friends. The actual name is entirely a distraction, don't let your self get distracted by it. Instead, empower with a range of reactions (great suggestions , GarlickGirl and Sugarpiehoneyeye). He will feel way better about keeping the name and working out a better strategy. Reacting aggressively is never going to be helpful, might as well get over that now.

I say this as someone who changed her name in the second day at school. Would have been the first day, but i first had to find out how to spell my second name before i could use it on my books at school. Never mentioned it to my parents, took them ages to notice. The point is all about how to get on with people, and to get the better of anyone who tries to do you down.

Ah, cross posed with oldbirdy

who, to be fair, explained it much more succinctly and included quotes of actual research....

Gaah! Research was UCLA not MIT.

I agree with everyone who has said if he changes it, they will target him for other things, basically because they know they can get a reaction out of him, they know it upsets him, that's the only reason they keep doing it. Once he can react in an indifferent way, their "fun" will stop in its tracks.

Would these or similar work in French?

Exaggerated expression of shock, 'I never knew you couldn't read til you said that.'

Amused tone ''Carry on, you make yourself look more stupid every time you say that.'

'Only a nursery child would make that pronunciation mistake, perhaps that's the class you should be in'

Teach him the wonderful Gallic Shrug followed by 'Only stupid people say that followed by a look that says 'this means you'

Followed by a pronunciation of the W in his name, My name's O Wen.

Surely you can concoct something from the bullies' names that he could call them, so a retort of Oh not that old stuff again < insert derogatory name from bully's own name>

I was bullied for my name as a child - it's unusual enough to out me on here and also has an air of toff about it (think along the lines of Araminta). The first syllable of it, if mispronounced, just so happened to also be the first syllable of an insult.

Here's the thing: when I wasn't being bullied about my name it was about my bookishness or the clothes I wore or who I was supposedly crushing on or the fact that I did well in Latin class and not so well at ball games ... you name it!

If your DS would be happier with another name, by all means! Go for it! But I totally agree with PP that it's the bullying that needs adressing, not your child, and also that there's a decent chance they'll just find something else to pick on if that's not done.

FWIW, as an adult I actually like my unusual name a lot now. It's pretty, memorable, always a good conversation starter and has more than once opened doors for me when class-obsessed twats in very upper management (wrongly) assumed I must be vair posh.

If DS can practise some responses with you he might feel more confident. "So?" repeated ad infinitum is a good starting point.

I would have him tell the bullies he actually wants to be called CON

^none of you have ever actually been bullied as children have you?

Op if he is moving schools I doubt the weird pronounciation will follow him so I think I'd stick with his name. I don't actually think it's horrible for a child to change their name or use their middle name for a while

Thank you Oldbird I've had a read through (just the 'newsroom' article) and am again grateful to have this reference. It's so satisfying to have academic research which articulates my own experience and gives me words to pass it on. Thank you, very helpful, especially:

http://newsroom.ucla.edu/stories/bullying-jaana-juvonen-233108

* Victims can learn new ways to perceive their plight and their suffering," Juvonen said, "realizing that it’s not something about them that causes this" and developing effective social skills.*

The thing I would wish for Owen is the realisation that he does not need the change something about himself, especially not his name, the epitome of his identity or his cultural background. He is just fine exactly the way he is. It's just time to develop some relevant social skills to navigate this situation.

These skills will be very useful in all sorts of situations in his future and to pass on to others who find themselves in this situation (by which i mean responding aggressively, rather than having an unusual name for the culture in which he is living. It's very easy to jump to the assumption that the bullies are picking up on what is different, whereas the evidence suggests that they are feeding off the reaction.

As an aside, we previously had acquaintances with the surname Kerr, who wanted to name their baby boy Ewan. They changed their mind after someone pointed out the hidden word in the name Ewan Kerr.

But imagine if his parents had called him Ewan Kerr and otherwise he was a happy, well-adjusted boy but every time he told someone his name he'd get a look of horror. So, he wants to change his name but his parents say no because that would be giving into bullies.

The OP didn't say that her son was being bullied. She said that her son had a name that didn't work well in French and that her son wanted to change it to something that works better in French as he lives in and has grown up in France. There's no indication that the OP's son is being bullied. The issue is solely with his name. This is a name and an issue that he is going to have for the rest of his life.

Why not let him change and see how things go?

She said that he's being teased though, and there can sometimes be a fine line between teasing and bullying

He's the one that has to handle day after day of crap because of it. If's he's telling you he's done and he wants to change it then listen to him. As someone who was horrendously 'bantered' at at school, all this 'tough it out', 'it'll be character forming' - no it bloody won't, it's just patting him on the head and abandoning him to the misery of it all. That misery is then a permanent part of his memory of his childhood and he will also always remember that you insisted he had to be exposed to it and wouldn't allow him to escape.

Oh, and I do say that as someone who was bullied terribly as a child for being different. But the OP was clear that aside from his name her son has no other problems at school. So, it seems a different situation to me than general bullying.

I'm in my mid forties and I'm actually about to hide this thread because the 'you need to learn how to handle this' line was one well meaning adults used to me for YEARS. I can feel the rush of impotent rage and misery just reading it.

I never learned to handle it, I just learned how to submit to abuse and accept being made miserable.

finally the research I was quoting was actually the work behind the PEERS manual for autistic teens, who researched the responses of socially successful teens to put downs (and found that in the early days of a class or setting etc everyone got these lines fed to them) but I am not surprised that the results are replicated. This is a brief resume of the work I was talking about. Of course the outcomes are not only relevant to autistic teens.
newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/teaching-autistic-teens-to-cope-234924

Incidentally my son is a very obviously different autistic young man in mainstream. He reports never having been bullied. I work with autistic teens and know how endemic bullying us in that population so I asked a bit more - "does no one ever even call you weird?!". DS responded, "oh yes, loads of times. I just reply, 'thanks, it's a talent'". I am immensely proud of that 😊

...crossposted with 3 or 4 posts there. Apologies that my post appears rather insensitive in the context of those last posts.

Curve, that is an excellent idea about potentially using a middle name.

I've just thought of a shopping centre near us called Place des Halles and I know for a fact that the "s" in "des" is silent. Perhaps this is the same kind of thing

In this case, the "h" is an h aspiré instead of an h muet. There's no difference in pronunciation except that you say "lay al", not "lay zahl".

StillDrivingMeBonkers bullies pick on anyone they want to. They can find anything to pick on. Being a target of bullies does not mean you are weak.

I find your comments are offensive. The rest of your comment I'll choose to ignore. And I won't engage with you again.

thanks, it's a talent

Respekt, I'm impressed.

Hoping that the difference between 'general victim blaming, patting on the head and sweeping under the carpet' and proving actual help to develop relevant social skills becomes ever more widely understood.