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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be shocked by teenage girls clothing lately

439 replies

fcek · 19/08/2017 17:43

I have my DNiece age 14 on facebook. When she likes a friend's photo, it sometimes appears on my newsfeed (and DH's newsfeed)

DNiece is a sensible girl but like most kids she has everyone at school on her facebook.

So this photo she liked appeared on our facebook newsfeeds today and my DH is shocked and disgusted.

The friend of DNiece is 14. We've met her a few times. She looks older than she is, part due to her height and her development (she's very womanly already) and part due to her clothing being adult woman rather than a 14 year old.

But in this picture, its just awful what she is wearing. She's doing pretty much a kim kardashian bathroom selfie, with a kim kardashian style swimsuit. The ones that cover only half the boob and pushes up your tits. The kind you would see on a lads mag. It's just awful awful.

I thought to myself how can her parents let her dress like that, maybe they aren't on facebook, but low and behold her mother is and has liked and commented on that photo plus others.

Looking through DNiece's other friends (none of whom seem to have private facebook pages) there are quite a few others with very revealing photos.

There's guys with joints, alcohol, knives etc.

DNiece dresses appropriately when I see her, her pictures are all normal 14 year old pictures, but I am a bit concerned about who she is friends with but I won't say...not really my place.

Is this what teenage years are like now? I'm worried about my DD's next few year now.

I know I may get flamed for commenting on what someone wears though. Name changed so no one in RL recognises us

OP posts:
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StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:16

I think the main difference between "then" (up to the 2000s) and "now" (post 2000) is social media. Op wouldn't have known what her dn's friend was wearing if it wasn't due that and neither would the girls (potentially) hundreds of followers. It would "just" have been limited to those who saw the person in the flesh (as it were) rather than thousands of friends and also strangers on the internet. Basically now an image can reach so many more people.

gandalf456 · 19/08/2017 23:17

Sparrow. Do men hide their bodies? Not really. Most dress in a neutral, not overly sexualised way. Culturally speaking, why should we be any different?

Rebel, yes, hopefully though I try to guide as much as I can and hope the idea sinks in later

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 23:17

so what if men view them in that way? That's a genuine question

As I've said, if adult men look and respond to young girls in a sexual way they may hit on them or harass them before the girls really know how to deal with that. It's never easy to deal with however old you are.

Sexual responses from men also teaches some girls to see themselves in a sexual way. If they're vulnerable, not happy etc, it can become something to latch into as a way of getting attention, and that can lead to damage. Some girls internalise objectification and start to objectify themselves.

I'm very tall and looked old for my age young, and men's sexual responses scared me tbh. I also was sexually harassed all the way through school by one particular teacher.

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:18

Sparrow - are you really saying that for example a basque and fishnets at a funeral is exactly the same as wearing a coat and dress, because they are all just clothes?

NataliaOsipova · 19/08/2017 23:19

I do understand what you mean Natalia, but my response is why should women have to be aware of what men think? Is it because we should fear them and what they might do to us?

I'm thinking on the hoof a bit here, but here goes....

Why should they be aware of what men think? I think because it's a biological reality. And I think it's ignored a bit in the way that, say, sex is taught or talked about. It's all in terms of relationships and feelings. Which clearly is to be encouraged - because that is the way most (not all, I know I generalise) women would like it to be. But I think that, for most men, sex is (or can be) far more animalistic act. People ask this question on here all the time - how can a man cheat on his wife if he loves her? I think there's an obvious answer to that, which is that men can separate love and sex more easily. I think men (not all, but I'd wager most) can love one person and want to fuck someone else.

I think many girls dress in a sexually provocative way because they want to attract a man for the purposes of a relationship. They want a man to fall in love with them. They don't necessarily just want a lot of men to want to fuck them. And the biology of the situation often means that flashing a lot of flesh will mean a lot if men have sexual - but no other - feelings towards you. But does the average young girl understand that distinction? If she does and she's happy with that, then absolutely all power to her elbow (or any other part of her anatomy). I have no problem with women seeking sex whatsoever. I just worry that some young women appear to do so without necessarily knowing it.

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:19

If so, what do you wear to do the supermarket shop?! Grin

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:19

Yes men may harass girls Tatiana but that's not caused by clothes. Girls in school uniform are leered at in their thousands every day.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:22

'Sparrow - are you really saying that for example a basque and fishnets at a funeral is exactly the same as wearing a coat and dress, because they are all just clothes?'

No. What I'm saying is that if someone did wear a basque and fishnets to a funeral you may find that odd but they're still just clothes, they don't say anything about the person's sexual availability.

annielouise · 19/08/2017 23:22

You're incredibly naive Sparrowhawk. I can't even be bothered explaining why as you've made your mind up that it's ok, when so many of us say it isn't. Idiot.

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:23

Natalia / I follow your thinking but I think instead of wanting a relationship it's to attract admiration and attention but from a distance, as if they are a living doll or a painting. An image, as such. I think they think people (men) will swoon over their beauty but in a respectful kind if way, however some men are not respectful and don't give a shit about the highlighting and the contouring, they just see a walking pair of boobs. I think they believe men will see all the beauty whereas some men think "look at the tits on that".

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:25

I do see what you're saying Natalia and I think out of all the arguments against this type of clothing yours makes the most sense. But my argument there would be that there's a serious issue with how men view women and that's what needs to be addressed. Because if a man treats a woman with less care and respect because of what she's wearing then he's a misogynistic shit.

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 23:25

I can see from friends of mine who were sexualised early - i.e. dressing sexually from a young age and in sexual relationships early - that it wasn't good for their mental health or their sense of self.

I didn't judge it at the time, but in hindsight I can see it was too young.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:27

There's a definite issue there Tatiana but that comes from a society that doesn't provide adequate sex education or adequate support for victims of abuse.

perper · 19/08/2017 23:27

TheSparrowHawk Now you've got me really confused- you said they weren't sexualising themselves because they're just meaningless clothes, but have now conceded that they -are- may be choosing them for sexual reasons? So they are sexualising themselves by their clothing and posing choices, surely?

I am NOT ok with a 14 year old girl sexualising herself. Not because I don't believe it is up to men to control their urges- of course it is. But I find it incredibly distasteful that we can apparently be so ok with children dressing in a sexualised way. They should not be concerned with whether they appear sexy at that age. There is a huge problem with society when we start normalising that.

RebelRogue · 19/08/2017 23:27

So how many of you now,or in your teen years tried something on and thought "oh no,a man/boy (or ten) might look and like it/think I'm hot better put it back" ?

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:28

Sparrow - they shouldn't say anything about a persons sexual availability, but that ship has long sailed (if it ever got on the water). It's a nice idea but it's not the case. Also clothes are nit just about sexual availability, they are about appropriateness to a situation. Some people might not think a person is advertising themselves as sexually available but they would be offended by clothes that are deemed by society as disrespectful to a situation. Would you wear a basque and fishnets on a school run? After all, it covers probably more than a bikini on a beach - but the difference is appropriateness, which is present in our society whether you think so or not.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:30

14 year olds who have gone through puberty are sexual perper. Pretending they're not doesn't do anyone any good

gandalf456 · 19/08/2017 23:31

I was a teen in the 80s. Everything back then was baggy. Not a cleavage in sight unnless you were Madonna but her clothes weren't readily available

StarHeartDiamond · 19/08/2017 23:31

Sparrow / if a woman treats another woman with less respect because of what she's wearing (basque and fishnets in the school run) is that being a misogynistic shit too?

SylviaPoe · 19/08/2017 23:32

'You're assuming the 14 yr olds you know are representative of all.'

No, I'm not. Because of social media I see very many teenagers. Most do not do the whole Kardashian thing.

'I grew up in London, I was clubbing in heels from the age of 15. We wore DMs and cowboy boots for every day and heels out.

I see teenage dds of friends (mine's only 13) and other teens around London of comparable age doing similar.'

That doesn't make them in the majority.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:33

I do understand what you're saying Star. My issue with the 'appropriateness' argument is that it's not being used in the way you're talking about. Yes of course there are certain norms for clothing. However, what people really mean with the term appropriateness here is that the girl looks like a slut.

NoLoveofMine · 19/08/2017 23:34

What an abhorrent thread. Started by a misogynist, filled with misogyny.

TatianaLarina · 19/08/2017 23:35

Yes men may harass girls Tatiana but that's not caused by clothes. Girls in school uniform are leered at in their thousands every day.

Yawn. I've already made this distinction before sparrow.

In many, many cases harassment is absolutely not clothes specific.

But equally, men hit on and harass, make sexual advances to girls they think are older than they are. They judge their age on breast development, the way they dress, and makeup etc.

I know of 3 court cases of 11 yr olds who were raped where it was argued that it was reasonable to think the girl was older as she was dressed like a 16 year old, makeup etc. Ie not clothes you'd expect on a child. Alarmingly the judge agreed.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/08/2017 23:35

'Sparrow / if a woman treats another woman with less respect because of what she's wearing (basque and fishnets in the school run) is that being a misogynistic shit too?'

The context for that comment was a poster saying that a man will assume a woman in tight/short clothing wants sex and will treat her differently (with less respect) because of that. If a woman dies the same thing, she is also a misogynistic shit, yes.

NoLoveofMine · 19/08/2017 23:35

As a teenager it is hilarious seeing people discuss teenage girls as if they have a clue, though. Oh, for a thread on teenage boys and their sexual harassment and assaults on us...