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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be shocked by teenage girls clothing lately

439 replies

fcek · 19/08/2017 17:43

I have my DNiece age 14 on facebook. When she likes a friend's photo, it sometimes appears on my newsfeed (and DH's newsfeed)

DNiece is a sensible girl but like most kids she has everyone at school on her facebook.

So this photo she liked appeared on our facebook newsfeeds today and my DH is shocked and disgusted.

The friend of DNiece is 14. We've met her a few times. She looks older than she is, part due to her height and her development (she's very womanly already) and part due to her clothing being adult woman rather than a 14 year old.

But in this picture, its just awful what she is wearing. She's doing pretty much a kim kardashian bathroom selfie, with a kim kardashian style swimsuit. The ones that cover only half the boob and pushes up your tits. The kind you would see on a lads mag. It's just awful awful.

I thought to myself how can her parents let her dress like that, maybe they aren't on facebook, but low and behold her mother is and has liked and commented on that photo plus others.

Looking through DNiece's other friends (none of whom seem to have private facebook pages) there are quite a few others with very revealing photos.

There's guys with joints, alcohol, knives etc.

DNiece dresses appropriately when I see her, her pictures are all normal 14 year old pictures, but I am a bit concerned about who she is friends with but I won't say...not really my place.

Is this what teenage years are like now? I'm worried about my DD's next few year now.

I know I may get flamed for commenting on what someone wears though. Name changed so no one in RL recognises us

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
SylviaPoe · 20/08/2017 00:12

At what age do you think girls should want their peers to perceive them as sexually attractive?

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2017 00:13

What's to stop those men from asking the girl what age she is? Or perhaps from refraining from having sex with a girl until he knows her better and is sure of her age?

A girl may look 16 but if you believe a grown man can talk to an 11 year old and not see that she's a child then you're incredibly gullible.

My points at the time exactly. But who's talking about conversation? Or getting to know someone?

You sound very young.

perper · 20/08/2017 00:15

I haven't seen a single post suggesting that a man would be within his rights to assault a child based on what she is wearing. (I am not including the reference to the court cases where men have got off rape charges due to the victim's claims of being older and appearance of being older- that is a different matter).

The OP is actually about girls, not about men. The point is whether girls should be wearing this- that does not revolve around what men think. Surely we can actually think about girls and their self-worth without turning it into something about men and them needing to stop rape?!

TheSparrowhawk · 20/08/2017 00:16

Right so you're just talking about a situation where a man sees a girl and has sex with her without talking to her, then claims he thought she was 16?

TheSparrowhawk · 20/08/2017 00:17

Of course perper. I think girls should wear what they want to wear.

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2017 00:17

Okay, so we don't know how many girls this has had an impact on, or if it has any link at all to the majority of mental health cases.

So we shouldn't make any generalisations about 14 year old girls.

So now you've lurched from Kardashians to mental health. If you recall I was the one saying you shouldn't make generalisations about 14 year olds based solely on the one you know, as 14 year olds may have widely varying experience.

NoLoveofMine · 20/08/2017 00:17

Girls can wear whatever they/we like. Nothing we could possibly wear or do gives men, boys or anyone else the right to sexually harass or assault us.

SylviaPoe · 20/08/2017 00:19

I haven't lurched into it. I'm referring to the earlier point I made about mental health problems in teenagers.

SylviaPoe · 20/08/2017 00:21

TatianaLarina Sat 19-Aug-17 20:09:21
'The pressure to look hyper sexualised is also causing massive self esteem/eating problems/self harming amongst girls. I have a family member who is a headteacher and the sort of stuff they have to deal with on a daily basis beggars belief.'

I agree crazy - I wouldn't want to be a teenage girl now. I think the pressure from perfect (airbrushed) imagery, from hypersexualised imagery and from porn - is phenomenal.

Add message | Report | Message poster SylviaPoe Sat 19-Aug-17 20:10:31
'The pressure to look hyper sexualised is also causing massive self esteem/eating problems/self harming amongst girls.'

Only a minority of 14 year old girls have an interest in dressing the way that is discussed. So the pressure to look hyper sexualised may be one contributory factor in a minority of the girls with mental health problems.'

This is where we got into discussion in the first place.

perper · 20/08/2017 00:22

TheSparrowhawk And do you not think we should consider the impact that society has had on what they feel they should/want to wear? Do you not think we should be concerned about why they feel they should communicate a sexualised image of themselves at such a young age?

RebelRogue · 20/08/2017 00:23

that does not revolve around what men think.

But 90% of the thread is about being sexual,how men might react,what they might think etc which makes it a bad thing.

RebelRogue · 20/08/2017 00:25

@perper you have a point there but "disgusted","shocked", victim blaming and slut shaming are not the way to go in tackling those underlying issues.

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2017 00:25

What this whole thread is about is girls changing their behaviour, ie not wearing certain clothes/makeup, while explanations are given for why men might be mistaken about a child's age. That sounds very much to me like children cause men to be confused and so should stop wearing certain clothes and makeup

No, this is what you think this thread is about, this is what you are trying to make it about, as you don't really understand it. You haven't actually read or fully understood many of the replies and keep arguing with invented positions ad nauseam.

TheSparrowhawk · 20/08/2017 00:26

I think we should equip them with the sexual and relationship education and support they need to make sensible, healthy choices and continue to push for material improvements in their lives, rather than telling them what they should wear.

TheSparrowhawk · 20/08/2017 00:28

I understand it perfectly well Tatiana thanks.

TheSparrowhawk · 20/08/2017 00:30

Although I have to admit I am confused by your whole argument about how men assess teenagers' ages Tatiana. I can't figure out what your point is.

RebelRogue · 20/08/2017 00:34

That 14(or even 11) yos MUST look their age otherwise men will get confused and their biological needs will take over.

NoLoveofMine · 20/08/2017 00:36

I hope she can let us know how we should dress so men don't sexually harass us. Also, how do we stop boys our own age from sexually harassing us? Or men who harass us when we're in uniform aged 14?

NoLoveofMine · 20/08/2017 00:37

I must say as a teenage girl I would love it if boys and men never saw me sexually. Sounds like Utopia.

Jedimum1 · 20/08/2017 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2017 00:40

Sylvia - so you've given up on the Kardashians and now you want to go back to mental health.

Only a minority of 14 year old girls have an interest in dressing the way that is discussed. So the pressure to look hyper sexualised may be one contributory factor in a minority of the girls with mental health problems.'

You're assuming that only the girls who choose to dress like that are affected by the impact of the imagery and the pressure - which couldn't be further from the truth.

One of my best friends had anorexia and was profoundly impacted by media imagery and pressure to look perfect. She retreated from her own sexuality, she never dressed like that - indeed wore baggy clothes as a reaction.

Equally, as adults two of my best friends are psychiatrists who, like me, have their own teenage daughters, they are dealing with this on a daily basis. EDs, anxiety, self harm are on the rise. Self harm was rare when I was a teen.

perper · 20/08/2017 00:43

I must say as a teenage girl I would love it if boys and men never saw me sexually. Sounds like Utopia.

In that case I assume you are taking all the steps you can to reduce how often you are viewed sexually? Of course it won't be zero- we do have to be realistic about the world we live in unfortunately- but not dressing in sexualised clothing definitely is a step towards reducing it.

(Just in case anyone thinks it- no that is not victim blaming )

NoLoveofMine · 20/08/2017 00:44

In that case I assume you are taking all the steps you can to reduce how often you are viewed sexually?

Pray tell me what these steps I should be taking are?

TatianaLarina · 20/08/2017 00:47

I understand it perfectly well Tatiana thanks

No, you really don't. But if you keep it you might in 10 years.

Although I have to admit I am confused by your whole argument about how men assess teenagers' ages Tatiana. I can't figure out what your point is.

I know you are. But then you haven't actually read the majority of posts on this thread properly.

You're trying to impose what you think people are saying, what you want them to be saying, rather than actually grasping what they are saying.

perper · 20/08/2017 00:48

Jedimum1 That's a really interesting post, thank you. I really don't understand your mum's mindset at all :(

I think there are so many issues involved here- small scale and big scale- and it's silly to ignore most of the issues to try to make it all about one particular issue (seemingly misogyny from a lot of posts here).