Friend telling my child off?

[JuniperGrey]

Just been to see a show with friends and our children.

Children sat on the front row, and us behind. There was a scene with smoke coming off the stage. My dd was moving her hand (not dramatically) to move it out her face.

Friend then taps her on the shoulder and tells her to stop doing that right now as she's wafting smoke into her dds face.

I hate people telling my children off! YANBU! Although I realise I'm going against the general opinion here. I'm quite strict with mine so when other people tell them off it implies to me that they're intervening because I haven't. However quite often I find 'certain' people tell them off for doing something which is completely fine IMO (throwing pebbles in a stream!; making a picture out of wooden coasters!, jangling a key ring!!) and then I want to interject and say actually carry on, that behaviour is totally fine, stop telling my child off please!! (But I don't because I don't want to undermine them and I'm English and don't want to cause a scene!) I should say that I think it's fine to ask someone else's child nicely to stop doing something, but not to tell them off. That's the parents' job. I'll probably be shot down in flames. I would also have found the OP's friend's behaviour highly annoying.

No YANBU. I'd have been pissed off if someone spoke sharply to my child like that. And also was your daughter just meant to let the smoke go in her eyes? YOUR friends little one could have just wafted it away too...

Crummyfunnymummy nobody has tried to tell DD off (yet) but I'll definitely (and loud enough for them to hear) tell DD to disregard their comment if I think it's bollox and doesn't fit in with my parenting. Telling a kid off for throwing pebbles in a stream? Some people need to get a life.

I don't think your friend is being unreasonable. Your child needs to learn some resilience if they can't stand to be spoken too by another adult. YABU to even still be thinking about this.

I know Ido - then when my DS (quite rightly I thought, if a tad cheeky!) said to this adult "I don't have to do that, you're not my dad!" This adult then told him off for being rude! I should have said something but I was a bit taken aback!

I don't think it hurts or damages children to be spoken to by another adult. I also think there's no point feeling upset over it once it's done unless your DD was. If you felt your friend was BU you could have simply said "you were a little harsh there" and left it at that.

I have friends with DCs and have had moments where I've had to say "I need you to stop that now" occasionally. Their DCs haven't died from it, they've simply carried on living their lives. Likewise I know there have been times where friends have spoken to my DCs and I'm ok with it. There's a world of difference between a little frown and a "no thank you" and a proper shouty-telling-off. Proper tellings-off are for parents.

Crummyfunnymummy I lose my words in the face of rudeness sometimes too. I don't ever expect it (although perhaps I should..!). I think it's being brought up surrounded by the British mentality. It doesn't matter what occurs, as long as we remain polite in the face of it ha (what bollox)

People will very often tell a child to stop doing something that they wouldn't comment on if an adult were doing it. Throwing pebbles in a stream, or skimming them across the water isn't just done by kids, but do you reckon an adult would have that behaviour commented on.

Likewise, I might think an adult wafting some fog or haze out of their face was being a bit dramatic, but would lean over and tell them to stop it, as it was going in my child's face? I can't imagine MN would support me on that one!

I don't like that attitude that you will tell a child off for something petty because you can, but wouldn't dare to do the same to an adult. It's about power, not what the person is doing.

I don't like that attitude that you will tell a child off for something petty because you can - yes. And the people who do this sort of thing treat children as if they're not people in their own right.

Yes I agree, it's fine to speak to someone else's child if they're doing something dangerous or mean. But speak to kindly and firmly and not by scolding them! We wouldn't scold another adult would we?! (Unless it was my DH !!) Your daughter was wafting something out of her face, if the other parent had an issue then she could have leant forward and gently said " careful Sweetie, that's going right in X's eyes there" or similar. No need to be sharp with her. I'm sure if it had been an adult accidentally wafting smoke at her child she could have been polite about it. I know this is all a bit of a mountain/mole hill situation really, but I absolutely hate it when a certain relative tells my kids off for doing perfectly innocent things. It has stopped me from going round to see her on more than one occasion. But like Ido says, I have ingrained politeness syndrome so can't bring myself to do anything about it!!

I have ingrained politeness syndrome it's a horrible affliction isn't it.

Crummy, yes, I have had that from relatives and it's always something really trivial that I am OK with. Thing is, I hate it because it confuses my children and I find it very undermining. It's as if I'm not doing enough job so they have to step in and my children don't know whom they're supposed to be listening to.

Yes that's exactly it, Gandalf! And our Ingrained Politeness Syndrome (new mumsnet acronym??) means we just have to grit our teeth and find a polite excuse not go round there again for a few weeks!!