Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend telling my child off?

164 replies

JuniperGrey · 18/08/2017 23:18

Just been to see a show with friends and our children.

Children sat on the front row, and us behind. There was a scene with smoke coming off the stage. My dd was moving her hand (not dramatically) to move it out her face.

Friend then taps her on the shoulder and tells her to stop doing that right now as she's wafting smoke into her dds face.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 19/08/2017 11:28

Highly unlikely she is 14. By this stage precious parenting has passed when you have fags and booze to deal with

helpfulperson · 19/08/2017 11:48

Even if the friend was totally 100% unreasonable (which I doubt) I don't understand why there is a need to make a big deal over it and why your daughter was upset. As others have said it wasn't really a telling off just a request.

What did you say to your daughter when she was upset? Did you explain that sometimes adults may get how they react a bit wrong and that the friend didn't meant to upset her but was concerned for her daughter and also trying to get a message over quickly in a quiet place. And that whilst it might may you feel a bit upset at the time it isn't something to go on worrying about. This is why we are now actively having to teach our children resilience in school so they are not not knocked for six everytime something doesn't quite go right or they way they think it should.

Finch82 · 19/08/2017 11:56

The bit that stood out for me was that the OP's DD was left feeling upset.

OP, you clearly thought your friend's reaction was unreasonably harsh and possibly shaming. I can remember the burning shame of being told off by adults for doing something I hadn't recognised as being disrespectful. It felt awful and I would gnaw over it for days-I was quite sensitive and maybe your DD is too. More often than not, such tellings off were given by teachers or extended family and not witnessed by my parents. I was left feeling so ashamed there was no way I was going to open up about it to my mum, nor share with her how I felt about it. It sounds like this happened a lot and I was a very willful and naughty child-I wasn't! It's just I can still remember distinctly every scenario where this happened! It's a big thing.

OP, you have a really fantastic opportunity here to talk to your DD about what happened and how she's feeling. Ask her if she thinks your friend was fair, and help her to analyse what happened. This could help her have more resilience in the future when someone other than you tells her off for something and hopefully she'll feel happy to divulge the particulars to you so you can give her your take on the situation and help her see whether she really was in the wrong or whether the person who told her off was being unreasonable. It could really help her self esteem.

Hope she's okay Smile

mctat · 19/08/2017 12:42

'I think you are missing the fact OP hasn't said how old her DD is. She could be four. She could be 14.'

Why would it even matter?! It's possibly the most ridiculous thing I've heard of a child getting 'told off' for.

Finch, completely agree, sounds like it was shaming. Though really it's less about the telling off, and more the lack of a need for any intervention at all. Friend's mum sounds like a total helicopter.

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2017 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mctat · 19/08/2017 14:52

It doesn't matter either way.

IDoDaChaCha · 19/08/2017 15:12

NataliaOsipova you can have a quiet word in someone's ear without disturbing anyone else.

NataliaOsipova · 19/08/2017 19:04

you can have a quiet word in someone's ear without disturbing anyone else.

I disagree - if you're leaning forward to speak to someone in the row in front of you, you automatically get in the sight line of the rows behind you. So you will disturb people.

In fairness, if it's something like the Gruffalo - aimed at kids with lots of moving about and talking, it's probably not the end of the world! But in something more expensive/serious, then you'd irritate the people behind unless you were very brief.

IDoDaChaCha · 19/08/2017 20:21

NataliaOsipova you can be brief without being rude. And what is all this 'darling' crap? Reeks of sarcasm. Plenty of people fidget at the theatre, too. I've seen it. If it's a production that will attract younger viewers you'd expect more fidgeting than an all adult audience. I'd hate to be sat in front of you. Be shot for breathing the wrong way...

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 21:13

If the girl was being a bit over dramatic then 'that's enough, people are trying to concentrate' said without harshness doesn't take any longer than 'stop doing that right now, you're wafting smoke into x's face', which I do think sounds harsh with the 'right now'. I wouldn't say that unless a child had previously been told not to do something, or if they were properly misbehaving.

But really, if it wasn't your friend's child, but another audience member, who would ask them not to waft some harmless effect in a way that is unlikely to bother your child? I'd love to see that AIBU.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/08/2017 21:56

Yabu op. Your dd didn't like it in her face so not very nice to waft it into someone else's (I note you haven't disputed that was what she was doing). She could have turned her head or wafted it back forwards if it was bothering her that much.
I think your dd is pretty over sensitive if she was very upset by what your friend said tbh.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/08/2017 22:00

And to all the people saying that there's no problem with having dry ice in your face. Why was the child wafting it at all in that case.
I also note that the op has completely discounted that her dd was doing it deliberately to annoy her friend despite having no way of knowing if that was her child's intention.

NataliaOsipova · 19/08/2017 22:02

I'd hate to be sat in front of you. Be shot for breathing the wrong way...

I'd hate to be sat anywhere. Sounds painful.

Don't think I'd enjoy sitting behind you either if you think it's okay to lean forward and have a protracted conversation with the person in front of you. Although you'd be free to breathe whichever way you wished.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 19/08/2017 22:08

Don't people generally waft their hand in front of their face when there is smoke directed at them - regardless of who is sitting next to them?

What was the OP's DD supposed to do - sit, breathe it in and then try not to cough for fear of upsetting the friend and her own DD? Confused

If someone was smoking next to me I automatically waft my hand to rid my face of the smoke.
If I was in a room where smoke was circulating, a fire maybe, I would waft my hands to rid the immediate space in front of my face of smoke.
If someone farted in a room and it stunk, people generally waft their hand in front of their face.

OP, your friend was over-reacting. But also I think you would over-react by going over the events with her and damage your friendship. Let this one go but in future, if you really think your friend is being OTT with telling off your child, or telling her to stop doing something that would ultimately cause your child distress or discomfort then don't sit back and not say something. Otherwise your friend will continue to do these sort of things again.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/08/2017 22:09

Tiniest problem of the day award.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 08:40

NataliaOsipova now you're putting ("protracted conversation ") words into my mouth to justify attacking my comment. I reiterate- you can have a quiet word. It doesn't have to be war and peace. Maybe you can't so you're projecting that onto others. But that's your problem.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 08:43

CauliflowerSqueeze so tiny you had to comment on it. You must be so bored.

acapellagirl · 20/08/2017 08:49

I empathise with your daughter cos the burning shame you feel as s child when told off as an adult can feel like bullying

NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2017 09:28

ChaCha. I'm not attacking your comment. You're saying all that matters is that the word is quiet. I am saying that, not only does it need to be quiet, it needs to be quick, as in the situation the OP describes (speaking to a child sitting in the row in front), it is the leaning forward that disturbs just as much, if not more, than the volume. War and peace absolutely not necessary, but sometimes a brief remark lacks the nuance you would like if you had the opportunity to flesh out the point in a longer conversation.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 09:36

NataliaOsipova no, you assumed that because I didn't say either way.

And half the audience behind you would have been hissing at you to be quiet. And you'd have been hugely rude and inconsiderate to the rest of the people in the theatre. We are talking about the middle of a performance. You can't do that.

Considering your original comment on my post I'm surprised your impeccable manners at the theatre don't extend to messages. I didn't say at the time but - how rude, and assumptive.

NataliaOsipova · 20/08/2017 09:46

If I was the friend I'd have asked her politely to stop and said why

Was what you said, ChaCha. From which I inferred you meant more than three or four words (e.g. "Please stop it"), which will inevitably mean (if you're speaking, as the OP said, to someone in the row in front) you're spending enough time with your head in someone's sight line to disturb them.

This is a ridiculous argument. The point I was trying to make, obviously without success, was that the OP's friend possibly seemed to be sharper and more critical than she meant to be because she was trying to be as brief as possible. Because they were in a theatre and not, say, in a coffee shop, where the explanation of "why" would have been not only appropriate but possible.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 12:50

NataliaOsipova yes, you 'inferred'. You assumed. You could have asked for clarification but you kept insisting on telling me what I would do lol. Can't you just admit you made an assumption that was wrong.

Smallangryplanet · 20/08/2017 12:59

Your friend shouldn't have got involved. Your dd had a natural reaction and shouldn't have been upset. Is your friend pfb / usually a pita?

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/08/2017 17:57

Unless friend is often talking harshly to your child or stopping them doing things without any real cause I think you're just making a mountain out of a molehill. It wasn't great of her, but it wasn't a big deal. It didn't go on and on and it was just a request with a harsh tone of voice. People don't always get their tone of voice right and sometimes make slightly poor judgements about what's worth mentioning.

A bit of resilience and tolerance of other's mistakes,differences and foibles goes a long way to making life better for yourself (and the same goes for your DD).

Wrapmeupincottonwool · 20/08/2017 17:59

Depends on your relationship with the parent. If a very good friend then fine but if it's an acquaintance then probably not acceptable, depending on how stern she was