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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend telling my child off?

164 replies

JuniperGrey · 18/08/2017 23:18

Just been to see a show with friends and our children.

Children sat on the front row, and us behind. There was a scene with smoke coming off the stage. My dd was moving her hand (not dramatically) to move it out her face.

Friend then taps her on the shoulder and tells her to stop doing that right now as she's wafting smoke into her dds face.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 19/08/2017 06:43

I can't believe people are saying your dd was inconsiderate or did something wrong. She's a little girl. How on earth was she supposed to realise she was wafting anything in her friends' direction? Your friend overstepped the mark and attributed adult understanding to a prepubescent child. Not to mention the reprimand. I fail to understand how she could have wafted all of the smoke in her dds direction, it dissipates, it's a gas. Did her dd not have use of her hands to do the same?

couchtospecialk · 19/08/2017 06:50

Junipergrey I have no problem telling my friends kids or nieces/nephews off but am always extra calm about it. And I would expect my friends/family to tell my DDs off (calmly) if they were being badly behaved. It sounds like your friend may have been a little curt with your DD. And why couldn't her DD waft her own face? Say what you need to to your DD about the incident e.g. you did nothing wrong etc. and move on is my advice. If your friend makes a habit of being curt with your kids that's one thing, but as parents we're all just winging it moment to moment...

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/08/2017 07:04

LittleDragon how do you know how old OPs DD is? Confused All OP said was "She's a child"

In my opinion any child over the age of 7 should be able to consider others.

acapellagirl · 19/08/2017 07:08

YANBU your friend sounds too harsh

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2017 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherrytart6 · 19/08/2017 07:11

It was a silly thing to tell a child off about. Pretty pointless. I hope you told your friend not to be daft.

Purplemac · 19/08/2017 07:18

I'm surprised at how many say they would tell of their friends children. I doing I am looming after them (same with nieces a d nephews) but my general rule is unless they are hurting themselves or someone else, or are in imminent danger, it is down to their parents to tell them off.

I have gotten really angry before when my DBro has told off my DSD because he has very different expectations of how a 7yo should behave (because he only has toddlers). If any of my friends told her off I would be really bothered by it because actually I'm pretty on-the-ball with parenting so don't ignore bad behaviour, and she's also generally very well behaved and I don't expect her to be perfect all the time. Same with my friends children, they parent then very well so I don't need to tell them off.

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2017 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkerbec · 19/08/2017 07:45

Definitely not unreasonable.

Agree that friends dd could also waft smoke away from her own face.

My dd would probably have cried. In the kicking chair example, I would not have minded and it would be justified.

But wafting seriously. I mean how do you even waft it in someones face when its all around?

Was she doing it for a long time or something?

I would be more bothered about the shaking of the seat row.

Your dd did nothing wrong if she just waved smoke for a bit.
Don't fan yourself op near her dd, you may waft hot air in her face.

Ceto · 19/08/2017 07:54

I love these threads!! OP AIBU?? Answers YES!! OP- no I'm not!

Except that isn't what is happening. A substantial number accept that OP isn't BU.

I really don't understand these people who start from the premise that OP's daughter was misbehaving in wafting the smoke away from her face. Surely it's simply an instinct, and it's just as likely to move forwards, upwards, downwards or in the opposite direction from the friend's daughter? Plus the daughter can waft for herself if she doesn't like it? Why has OP's daughter got a duty just to sit there and put up with it?

Ceto · 19/08/2017 07:58

I think friend was BU as was a bit stupid. You can't waft smoke, dry ice or what have you into another face. It's not a flock of birds. By the time it's wafted away from the original face it's practically no longer there!

This.

TheStoic · 19/08/2017 07:58

Honestly, my friends' kids would have to be on the brink of death or murder before I'd step in if their parent was right there.

Anything less than that would not be worth it to me.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/08/2017 08:04

Okay I'm not going to tell you not to be so precious. You're a mum. Mums are precious, and The claws do come out. Despite what anyone says.Its an animal instict.

Righto Hmm

JacquesHammer · 19/08/2017 08:04

Friend sounds like a bitch. Back up your DD, either have words or diych her sorry, bullying ass

Are you always so over dramatic?

Since when did one comment equal bullying?

ilovegin112 · 19/08/2017 08:14

I would love to hear the other side of this tale and wether it was a little hand waving

Balaboosteh · 19/08/2017 08:43

This is one of these daft OPs where the friend has been a bit U - but so what? Then what? Do you actually like your friend OP? Are you looking for reasons to ditch her? Because that's what it sounds like. There's this thing called Tolerance which is when a friend - or anyone - does something a bit off and you just let it go, get over it, not bother....? When I am out with my kids and other people's, especially when they were little, I was often fairly anxious, or drained by the end of the day, the pressure of getting them out on public transport etc. And that could make me react sharply to something like that. Maybe your DD just got on her nerves with her "wafting". She probably felt a bit silly about it afterwards but there you go. But I want to know - what do you actually want from this? Why not ask your friend how she is, "because you seemed a little on edge back there". Or okay so she was out of order - now what? Call the police? Tell a teacher?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/08/2017 08:44

YANBU, OP, can't believe the responses on this thread. Your DD did nothing wrong.

Friend sounds like a bitch. Back up your DD, either have words or diych her sorry, bullying

You sound like a right drama llarma

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 08:46

If the girl was being distracting with a lot of waving hands about fine to tell her to settle down. But nothing would be going in anyone's face from a bit of wafting. And if the other girl wasn't doing her own wafting then she obviously wasn't bothered. Honestly, I can't see how 'stop that right now' can be said without sounding harsh.

The friend was the one being overly precious in this situation.

BillBrysonsBeard · 19/08/2017 09:02

I think your friend was a bit harsh. It's not about not wanting others to tell your kids off, it's about using the proportionate tone in the situation. No need to be sharp with a child who isn't being naughty, she was trying to get the smoke out of her face and just not thinking it would affect others.

Ktown · 19/08/2017 09:08

That wasn't a telling off in my opinion. It is a fuss about nothing.
I tell off friends kids and they do mine too.....we did agree in advance though! I suggest you have this conversation if it bothers you.
Your dd will have a real shock when she gets told off for something serious.

Armadillostoes · 19/08/2017 09:14

YANBU and some of the responses you have received are unnecessarily aggressive. Could you perhaps tell your friend that you would prefer her not to deal directly with your DD again, as she had a different style from you and it left your DD upset.

IDoDaChaCha · 19/08/2017 09:19

There is no need to be sharp with someone, especially a child, for doing something natural. She obviously didn't do it to inconvenience anyone else. If I was the friend I'd have asked her politely to stop and said why. There's no need for rudeness, especially amongst friends. If a friend was sharp with my child I'd be having a word with them.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 09:47

If she were saying it to her own child I'd still think it sounded overly harsh.

NataliaOsipova · 19/08/2017 09:49

If I was the friend I'd have asked her politely to stop and said why

And half the audience behind you would have been hissing at you to be quiet. And you'd have been hugely rude and inconsiderate to the rest of the people in the theatre. We are talking about the middle of a performance. You can't do that. If you need to get a point across it needs to be quiet and brief so, yes, probably sometimes sharp (i.e. "Stop it!" rather than "Darling, you are blowing smoke right into Lucy's face and it's making her a bit uncomfortable. Please could you be aware of that and be very kind and considerate of her too?").

I do think the context - i.e. in the middle of a theatre performance - is absolutely key here.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 10:08

If it wasn't a friend's kid, just another audience member, it would be ridiculous to ask them to stop. Can you imagine the responses if I said 'a woman was wafting some fog out of her face, WIBU to ask her to stop doing so in my daughter's direction?'. Would I not be told to stop being so precious?

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