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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend telling my child off?

164 replies

JuniperGrey · 18/08/2017 23:18

Just been to see a show with friends and our children.

Children sat on the front row, and us behind. There was a scene with smoke coming off the stage. My dd was moving her hand (not dramatically) to move it out her face.

Friend then taps her on the shoulder and tells her to stop doing that right now as she's wafting smoke into her dds face.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 19/08/2017 00:29

I agree with you op. I would not have a problem with her being told per se but definitely would in the tone you describe.

Often, parents like this direct all their discipline to other people's children, not their own. I also think it is rude to tell her off with you present as if you are a right numpty

redsquirrel2 · 19/08/2017 00:29

YANBU. Why does your friend think it's ok for your daughter to sit there with smoke in her face and not instinctively waft it away, when apparently it's unacceptable for it to be in her own daughter's face? Probably best to let it go though.

FrancisCrawford · 19/08/2017 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dodobookends · 19/08/2017 00:34

And adults do an awful lot of unnecessary coughing when fog and haze are used, all psychological
It does make some people cough. It sets my asthma off. Quite a nuisance actually, especially when you're chaperoning backstage or standing in the wings, suppressing a coughing fit.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 00:34

Meh! She could see the wafting was making her child uncomfortable

We don't know it was making anyone uncomfortable.

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2017 00:41

I didn't say we know it was making anyone uncomfortable

But it stands to reason she could see it was probably making her child uncomfortable or I doubt she would have bothered saying anything.

Either way, this is a massive non event imo.

The very fact the OP can even recall it, let alone bother to start a thread about it, tells me there's probably some sort of parental/child rivalry going on.

Which in the grand scheme of things will be quickly forgotten if the adults are really friends.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 00:45

But it's so unlikely that anyone wafting anything like that could actually annoy anyone. For a start, it was already in her face to the same extent, and you can't really waft your hand from side to side - it's more of an up and down thing.

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2017 00:51

Yes I get what you mean, but I wouldn't take the side to side/up and down thing so literally, from someone who left such a key issue out of their opening post.

My money is on two friends, with similar aged children who have a spot of rivalry/annoyance going on.

Perfectly normal, but can be quite destructive friendship-wise if it's not kept in check.

These things seem 'massive' when kids are little, but once both their kids are teens/adults, they'll look back (if they're still friends) and cringe at the little things that annoyed them...that's if they remember them at all.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 00:56

I get you Worra, I'm mainly here because of my professionaL interest in the effects.

BasketOfDeplorables · 19/08/2017 00:57

It does make some people cough. It sets my asthma off. Quite a nuisance actually, especially when you're chaperoning backstage or standing in the wings, suppressing a coughing fit

That is seriously rare, and must be very annoying. There are loads of different fog fluids, though, so it's unlikely they would all have the same effect, so may be a solvable problem.

gandalf456 · 19/08/2017 00:58

I agree. I think fellow parents can be really horrible to each other sometimes - particularly when children are small and not that easy to control . Unfortunately, I do remember some of these incidents very clearly and it's tarnished the odd friendship along the way

MrsOverTheRoad · 19/08/2017 00:59

I wonder if the other mum was just irritated with the waving. How long was she doing it? I get irritated with dramatics myself.

Threenme · 19/08/2017 01:07

I love these threads!! OP AIBU?? Answers YES!! OP- no I'm not!AngryGrin

SerfTerf · 19/08/2017 01:19

I'm with you OP, I think. Friend's DD presumably had her own hands available to wave in front of her own nose if she wanted to?

Weird overbearing behaviour from your friend and not really fair to tell your DD off for something so benign.

TheStoic · 19/08/2017 04:49

She does sound a bit OTT, OP. I can't imagine doing that with my friends' kids.

echt · 19/08/2017 05:09

This breathing we're talking about

No, it's a smoke effect, not breath/breathing. Which annoyed one child enough to waft it into another child's face

I plainly didn't express myself clearly. I was referring your saying the OP's kid was being inconsiderate. I was drawing a line between the kind of consideration that can be expected to be exercised when suppressing a burp, and the instinct when you have smoke in your face, which is to wave it away, to protect your eyes, nose or mouth.

mctat · 19/08/2017 05:46

'Weird overbearing behaviour from your friend and not really fair to tell your DD off for something so benign.'

Agree with this entirely. Some bizarre replies on this thread, I can't see why OP is getting a hard time.

Garlicansapphire · 19/08/2017 05:51

Even if your friend was a little abrupt I wouldn't be wasting time worrying about it. Let it go and I wouldn't over dramatise DD's upset. DD will have to face tougher tellings off than that in life.

More importantly, how was the show?

Sarikiz · 19/08/2017 05:56

OP you obviously dont think your child did anything wrong however I am sure this was not the case. You just did not like some one else telling your child what to do.
Mountain out of a molehill

user1499722317 · 19/08/2017 06:07

I recently saw a play with that kind of pretend smoke. I found it unpleasant, as did my sister. I'm not surprised a youngster would try to fan it away, I did too! Your friend needs to mind her own business OP!

missmollyhadadolly · 19/08/2017 06:22

YANBU, OP, can't believe the responses on this thread. Your DD did nothing wrong.

Friend sounds like a bitch. Back up your DD, either have words or diych her sorry, bullying ass.

missmollyhadadolly · 19/08/2017 06:22

*ditch

LostSight · 19/08/2017 06:27

I'd have been very upset as a child. I had a mother who rarely got cross or shouted. If I was doing something wrong, she would mostly ask me to stop (and often explain why). I was well behaved at school so rarely got in trouble there either.

So someone who was not my mother, speaking sharply to me (the wording of your original post does make the sharpness clear to me) would feel.devastating. Especially with its inherent implication that there was thoughtlessness about someone else involved, because I was raised to consider other people.

So I can fully understand your daughter's upset and I would be annoyed with any friend who reacted that way to my child. I am reminded of various mothers of friends of mine when I was a child. Most of my friends' mums were lovely to me. A few were so precious about their children that they would correct me for perceived actions against their children.

How interesting that your OP has dragged up all these memories. But YANBU

LostSight · 19/08/2017 06:37

Oh and to all those who are saying your daughter was wrong to waft the snoke..... really? It's a hall full of smoke, which anyone can waft if it's bothering them.

Unless she was deliberately wafting the smoke in one direction towards the other child (actually if she was doing that, then I would have more sympathy for your friend's position, though a stern ''please stop doing that' would have been more appropriate) then intervention was unecessary.

swingofthings · 19/08/2017 06:40

Some parents use harsher tones to tell their kids off than others, so her tone of voice might have been fine with her child, but clearly came about as being badly told off by your daughter.

Then of course, it all depends on whether this was a one off or whether your child's behaviour is not as good as your friends. I only once discipline the child of a friend, but I have wanted to do that many times, only because we have different expectations. The time I did, I couldn't take it any longer as he was being really horrible towards my DD who was doing a good job at dealing with it, but got to the point of desperation.