Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

[Clumsymumsy22]

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

I'm with you, OP. You'd accepted the BBQ invite already and you admitted you'd rather he went with you but still made it clear that you were OK with him going if he wanted. If the engagement party (like pp, I think they're pretty naff) had meant that much he would have driven there later. The fact that he didn't suggests he wasn't that arsed. Perhaps he just felt like having a whinge later because he hadn't had a great time with the baby screaming and he wanted to hang it on you -I'm sure most of us have done that at some point or other, tried to blame someone else when we're not happy with how something has turned out. I don't think it's at all fair to say you are controlling from this one incident. I also don't think you were unreasonable for wanting help with the baby if she's being a bit difficult atm. Some babies are easy, some are less so, some go through phases.

What I don't understand is why he couldn't go to both as this was possible. You say you couldn't have both gone (fair enough) but then mention the issue of leaving you with the baby overnight.

So it sounds to me like he could have gone to the BBQ and then to the party, albeit driving long distance, but then would have had to stay there and that's what you had an issue with.

I think it's great you've come here to ask as clearly, you recognise your OH's needs. My advice would be to be careful about such situations as even if you don't see it as controlling your OH, in the end, it will come across as such to him since he will feel under pressure that will result in him not doing what he wants, and this is a very very very common situation that leads to resentment and then the break up of the family.

I had to learn to let my OH go. He goes on boy's holidays quite a bit BUT I do know that he genuinely misses me when he does. However, he needs this time with his friends to feel happy and I got to understand that his happiness is not all related to me. The great thing is, he is appreciative. A number of the boys don't get to go because the wives won't allow it, and from what he says, they feel very trapped as a result.

Of course, it has to go both ways!

Ywnbu shocked by the responses tbh the bbq invite was accepted first he had tge option to come up with other solutions you weren't being controlling at all. I think the first answer unleashed all the keyboard warriors OP

Op I don't actually think you are being unreasonable. He already agreed to go with you so to choose not to because something 'better' came along is just a bit rude to you and your family who invited him tbh. Also engagement parties are not really a thing are they, come on, surely the engagement party is the wedding!!

I think yabu.

Dh used to do the 'go if you want but i would really prefer if you did what i want you to'

What it means is 'i am saying i am giving you the choice, but not really because there will be issues if you don't'

Its one of the reasons that i msde him go to counselling and sort himself out. It was that or divorce.

Imagine the reverse. Woman posts

'Mil has a party every year. We go every year. I did agree to got his year, but my best friend got engaged and having a party the same night. Dh says he will let me go to the engagment but very strongly feela i should go to the bbq. He has also said i can go after but its 45 mins there and back which will be difficult to do later in the evening. Its not ideal as i said i would go to the bbq, but i dont want to miss ny friends engagment He says he is annoyed because i dont attend every time he visits his family. Is it that bad to not always want to visit ils or to want to go to ny friends engagment, since this bbq is every year?'

I think it will also depend on logistics. How would the op and baby got to the BBQ if husband did not go? Does she drive and do they have 2 cars so they can both drive to their own events? Was there someone who could easily given op a lift AND easily brought her back if baby kicked off and they had to leave? If there were not these things then husband deciding to go somewhere else would have meant it was much harder for op to attend her party. If that is the case then no, she is nbu.

I think the first answer unleashed all the keyboard warriors OP

Don't be ridiculous.

Is your partner likely to be in the wedding party? I hope for everyone's sake the wedding doesn't clash with anything else.

What it the point of this? Too late as been and gone

Too much driving?
Rubbish. You both go to BBQ, then he goes on to engagement party.
You sound controlling, clingy and needy.
He needs to grow a pair of bollocks.

I think you were unfair to him. Saying 'You can go if you want but I'd prefer it if you come with me,' is not giving him the choice. That's actually quite manipulative and PA. Making sure he knows what the 'right'choice would be.

It sounded like you prioritised your wants over his and depending on your relationship dynamic, 'having the choice' is really no choice. Even your choice of language suggest there probably wasn't much of a choice.

You knew he wanted to go and that your event was annual and his wasn't. I'm guessing you're only feeling 'remorse' because the BBQ wasn't the grand 'baby revealing' experience that you imagined it to be.

This situation could be a one off but if it's indicative of your relationship dynamic, then there could be trouble ahead. Instead of canvassing MN (and ignoring us) how about talking to the one person whose opinion I hope you do value.

YANBU

You had already agreed to do something, you told your DP you'd prefer it if he stuck to that agreement (and how often do people on here not actually tell their partners what they want), you encouraged him to go to the engagement party once you realised how important it was to him and offered a way he could do both. Not controlling at all.

If you'd posted on here before both events and asked WIBU to tell DP I'd like him to come to the bbq, I think that would have got a different response, but I don't think the words you used quite got across what happened. Hope you're not beating yourself up about this.

Also it does sound like HE feels you stopped him going, and he may be resentful of that. Probably worth having a chat about it if you're both still thinking about it and it's likely to build up into a big thing.

OP- I very much agree with the etiquette thing - you never blow out of an arrangement when something better comes along. BUT. You have to use your common sense with that.

Your dad was having an annual BBQ, it wasn't a one off only event. You could still go to that. No doubt you have other family get togethers to see your family. The engagement party of his best mate IS a one off event which he should have been at. He should have gone to that, with an apology to your dad to miss out on his BBQ.

It's not rocket science.

The friend isn't really that close or important to him is he? Engagement parties take ages to arrange. If he was he 'that' close, he would have gone.

Engagement parties evidently don't take ages to arrange Oblomov17 if they only had 2 weeks' notice to attend.
And for everyone else who is saying"it's only a family BBQ" or "you can see your family anytime", you have no idea if either of these statements are true. People are just projecting their own family circumstances onto the OP.

Ywbvu, you didn't need support for one tiny baby, goodness me, precious much?

Sorry just saw your response to me OP

Well if he stated he would not go as he had had enough driving/travelling then that is not your fault .

Looking at how angry you are at people here not agreeing with you, I can see how much of a "choice" you gave him.

Engagement parties take ages to arrange.

No they don't.

Were you worried OP about your families reaction if your DP chose somewhere else to be? I can understand this but as an annual event plenty of time to make it up next year.

Depends on how you present choices. If you and your DP have long track records of offering each other choices and not bringing "the wrong choice" up in arguments then he should have probably chosen what he really wanted to do. However, if you are clear that him going to to the BBQ was the only right choice he had then I think he avoided that problem.

Of course, some of us value our DPs friendships with people and support them to celebrate very special, very rare events as opposed to annual BBQs.

Tell your DP that he needs to get the date for the wedding as soon as possible and if it does clash with burning some sausages and burgers then you need to make a choice about what you think is more important. Also, when the date comes in, you cannot have anything else supercede it as you will have RSVPd.

It's not that I'm upset that people have a different opinion to me - that's fine. It's being accused of being a control freak and basically a bitch when you don't even know me. I came on here to get some insight and a different perspective, and I've been trolled by people who probably do exactly the same kind of thing in other ways, but you're behind a computer so it's ok.

It has nothing to do with having to look after the baby - I would have managed on my own but it was nice to have some support with her screaming. I have her all day every day while DP's at work, and I'll have her til gone midnight one day next week as DP is going to a football match at least 2 hours away. So looking after her on my own is not an issue, I would have just liked some support as she has been difficult lately.

I didn't realise how much it meant to him when he first asked and I first responded, but when he told me I told him to go, and I told him several times. I suggested ways he could go to both - he didn't want to drive back home to go back out again to do that much driving, so I suggested we could go in separate cars and he said he did not see the point and did not want to drive that much in a day.

I would have been disappointed if he didn't come with me as I think it's rude to not attend something you're committed to to go to something else, but it was his choice and I would have got over it - not scream and shout as some have suggested. I have in the past not attended important events of my friends' because I was already committed to something with him. But I don't remind him of this as we don't play those games.

It sounds as though he bailed on a lot of occasions before this clash came up. OP said clearly she wanted his support on this occasion. Maybe she wouldn't have needed to do that if he hadn't kept leaving her to go places with their child alone because can he didn't fancy it.

If he'd been more supportive in the past then she probably wouldn't have minded him ditching the previously accepted party for the new engagement.

From your update it looks like he's made his decision, but then why did you say on your OP:

"On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone."

Why did you apologise if, according to you, he had been given multiple chances to go?

And why did you write "Should I have let him go?"