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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/08/2017 22:00

Twist it around a minute and put the boot on the other foot.
What would you and indeed all of us be calling him. A control freak.

Therefore YABU.

greendale17 · 18/08/2017 22:03

YABU

Hallomiaddicted · 18/08/2017 22:04

You are a control freak I can't believe he actually did what you said !

Bobbins43 · 18/08/2017 22:05

He should have gone to the engagement party.

Viviennemary · 18/08/2017 22:11

You're not his Mother. YABU. I think you both should have gone to the engagement party as it was a one off and not a yearly event. This level of control in a relationship is most unhealthy IMHO.

TumbleBee · 18/08/2017 22:11

After a whole afternoon at a family barbecue with a screaming baby, FIL's performance meat-grilling, and a partner giving me a guilt trip about missing a close friend's big night, yeah, I think I'd be past the point of wanting to go out again. YABU.

MaudPie · 18/08/2017 22:13

Haven't RTFT but YWNBU. Accepting an invitation to an event doesn't mean accepting until you get a better offer; it means you go to that event. An engagement party isn't a wedding, it is an American invention in a par with baby showers.

Lweji · 18/08/2017 22:18

He should have gone to the engagement party.
Couldn't he have gone one way and you the other? Surely your family would help with the baby.

You gave him the choice, but telling him you'd prefer him not to go it's not really giving him a choice.

SoupDragon · 18/08/2017 22:22

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes!
OP: No I'm not!

Yesterday your baby was a son.

HerOtherHalf · 18/08/2017 22:23

Accepting an invitation to an event doesn't mean accepting until you get a better offer; it means you go to that event.

Maybe as a general rule of etiquette but not as an absolute. Example. You've accepted an invitation to an evening out for drinks and a film with workmates in a couple of weeks. Then a friend or family member dies and the funeral is scheduled for the same day. You're going to miss the funeral are you?

troodiedoo · 18/08/2017 22:36

Funerals are on a par with engagement parties now Grin

geekone · 18/08/2017 23:20

YWBU my husband would have went for his friends anyway and if reversed so would I. There would have been no animosity due to this.

BrevilleTron · 18/08/2017 23:20

Sorry but you are being completely and utterly unreasonable. Your child should be able to be with either parent alone (unless there are medical issues).
Your response to him asking if he could go would have been a broad smile and a "Say hi from me and I'll grab a nice card for you to take" if you were in my house when my DD was 8 months.

My DP has asked if you apparently 'gave him the choice' then why have you asked if you were being unreasonable; that surely suggests that he had no choice in the matter?

Lweji · 18/08/2017 23:25

Do you remember back to having your first baby? I don't think I became confident until I had my second. I used to leave the house with enough stuff in the baby bag to get through a week in a bunker.

I do remember. I travelled by plane alone with DS.

All that was needed to go out for a few hours were enough nappies, a change of clothes and maybe some food at 8 months (otherwise breastfed).

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/08/2017 23:34

so your selfishness backfired on you...

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 23:39

Lweji - I wasn't the same. I was anxious/ over wrought. I wished I was like you! I've not taken mine on a plane yet and they are 5 and 3, but I'm single parenting just fine these days.

Lweji · 18/08/2017 23:41

I understand, but I don't think many women will be that worried about going out and about with a baby for a couple of hours, let alone to a party given by their own family.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 23:46

Lweji - loads will! Undiagnosed and diagnosed pnd - 100% of them would.

I suspect I had pnd, suspect I might still. Please don't assume someone's a cunt rather than potentially undiagnosed issues.

Siwdmae · 18/08/2017 23:48

I think you've been selfish, tbh. Surely you could have coped alone? What a waste of time travelling 45 minutes for an hour.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 23:48

Pnd might lead you to hating being with your child. Anxious at the thought of being alone and unsupported.

Let's give OP a little more support than barrage please

thegirlupnorth · 18/08/2017 23:48

YANBU. Family first in my book and if they were good friends I'm sure they'd have understood you'd already committed to a previous family engagement. Why don't you invite the newly engaged couple over for dinner instead?

BlondeB83 · 18/08/2017 23:48

You were being unreasonable and it seems like you guilt tripped him into going with you. Your DP sounds very accommodating and I suspect you knew you would get your way. The right thing to have done would have been to support him going to the engagement party.

BackforGood · 18/08/2017 23:52

My opinion has changed as I'e read your further posts.

Think being, a lot of people will be responding to your thread title : Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU? To which the answer is 'Yes, YWBU, and controlling'. He's an adult, it is up to him to make the choice.

Then you say one is in the day and one in the evening, so actually, he didn't even need to choose - he could go to both.

Then, later on, you say you did suggest he went to both and he chose not to - in which case it is him that IBU.

As a general rule, we go with 'first on the calendar' when things clash, but life isn't always that black and white - a family do that happens every year, where you will have all your family around you is perhaps less of a priority to him than his long standing friend's 'one off' engagement party, where he is not only celebrating a big even for his friend, but he will no doubt get the chance to meet up with lots of other friends from that part of his life. In his position, I'd make my apologies at the BBQ and go to the party.

NoqontroI · 18/08/2017 23:54

Yabu. Of course you are. It's supposed to be a partnership isn't it? I can't imagine trying to stop my dp from going to something like that, esp as he really wanted to go.

mamalovesmojitos · 18/08/2017 23:55

YABU

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