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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 18/08/2017 21:14

If the man had wanted to go to a family event and the woman to a child free party then the man would have taken the baby with him, presumably.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 18/08/2017 21:16

Clumsymumsy22 why come and ask for advice if only to resent it? Mumnet has told you, you were unreasonable. Accept it, apologise to your poor husband, send flowers to his lovely dear friends and do better next time.

ShoesHaveSouls · 18/08/2017 21:23

Hang on, hang on - the DP had committed to go to the BBQ - and then get's a better offer and wants to go to that instead? I thought that was a complete no-no socially?

troodiedoo · 18/08/2017 21:26

Agree ShoesHaveSouls but seems to be standard practice these days.

PersianCatLady · 18/08/2017 21:33

It was a mixture of working full time, 3 months maternity leave, and me paying all the bills. But mostly it was because he went on the piss all the time, even whilst I was in labour
You paid all the bills while he went and spent his money drinking????

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 21:34

Shoehavesouls - I think it's fine usually to assume first invite is committed, but if it's an annual occasion vs a one off (engagement, wedding etc) that comes up on the same date, I'd think it accepted to make an exception with notice and apologies.

PersianCatLady · 18/08/2017 21:35

the DP had committed to go to the BBQ - and then get's a better offer and wants to go to that instead?
It does seem quite controlling that the BBQ invites are sent out two months in advance and the OP sent her reply straight away.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 21:36

Persian - yes. Though it was my house, my mortgage. Always been tought never to accept rent from someone if you own the house or they could have legal claim. We were not married. That said he did do other things that paid his way, but that did not excuse his other behaviour and ultimately mine.

PersianCatLady · 18/08/2017 21:37

Persian - yes
Thank goodness that you aren't still with him.

ItsNachoCheese · 18/08/2017 21:38

Yabu to of not let him go however he is an adult you have no power to "let" him do anything he isnt 5yrs old

deblet · 18/08/2017 21:39

Yes YWBVU. Baby or not you can both do separate things and a one off engagement should trump an annual family get together. But at least it's a lesson learned and we all do things along the way that we look back on and think we should have made a different choice.

Xeneth88 · 18/08/2017 21:40

"Let him go"... Jesus YABU. Who do you think you are?! Why do people stay with/married to people like this? You are an adult, your partner is an adult, you don't "let" eachother do anything.

ShoesHaveSouls · 18/08/2017 21:40

It does seem quite controlling that the BBQ invites are sent out two months in advance and the OP sent her reply straight away.

Oh ffs. Controlling to send out invites, or to reply to your dad's invite straight away? Confused "sorry dad, something better might come up".

Nicknacky · 18/08/2017 21:42

Im sure the op's dad would have understood the situation given the fact it was his friends engagement party. I doubt the bbq would have been a disaster with his non attendance.

MargoChanning · 18/08/2017 21:42

Yabu. Surely your dad would have been fine with him attending a friends engagement party instead? After all, it's unlikely to be repeated, whereas family can get together at anytime.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 21:42

Persian - we've had a horrible couple of years in terms of separation. Only just had his first full weekend looking after them and first maintenance payment last week, but ultimately he's a kind man to our children (though completely irresponsible - life wise - not with them - I blocked contact when he was once and he's appeared to have learnt his lesson) and so I'm ok now. Just want my children loved, happy and settled - set for a happy life, I hope.

SignoraStronza · 18/08/2017 21:44

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I don't think ywbu. I think you go with the first thing you have committed to and if something else crops up - well that's just life I'm afraid. Not keen on people who cancel for a better offer and really - an engagement party?! Presumably there's still the stag do and the wedding to come. Unless the happy couple are particularly precious, I can't see that they would be too upset about your dh's non attendance.

travis45 · 18/08/2017 21:47

Wow! I feel sorry for your partner.

Your dads bbq is a yearly thing, he's missed out on his good friends engagement that won't happen again.

So yes, YABU!!

Namesarehard · 18/08/2017 21:50

Do you also stop him going to work in case the baby cries?
Very unreasonable. Totally unacceptable.

magoria · 18/08/2017 21:51

He should have done both like you suggested.

Gone to the BBQ. Gone home with you when he did. Drive to the party and crash there over night.

His excuse about the driving is pitiful to be honest if it is that close and important a mate. So he has made his not bothering your fault.

glitterlips1 · 18/08/2017 21:52

You seem controlling and unfair.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 21:53

I think people should calm down.

Do you remember back to having your first baby? I don't think I became confident until I had my second. I used to leave the house with enough stuff in the baby bag to get through a week in a bunker. My first had awful reflux, so I was very anxious at anything kicking off the hours of screaming and horrendous feeding routine. I did need support. If I look back now, and had this same baby as my third, id be fine, I'd cope, I'd know what to do, Id not need 'support' at a BBQ provided I got support at some point in the day.

I think OP probably has had a kicking now, please try and be constructive, as words on this screen can impact a real life person with real life feelings.

Crumbs1 · 18/08/2017 21:55

I have mixed feelings and it would come down to personal relationships. Generally I believe that if you accept an invitation it is a commitment and you should not pull out for a better offer. If HE accepted the invhe should have spoken to your father and apologised and asked if he would be offended. If you accepted without discussion with him, it's your problem to sort it.
In general, I think engagement parties are a bit naff but if it's a really close friend and he is to be best man or similar then he should give that precedence. If he's just making up numbers then he should stick with original commitment.
You are being unreasonable to think he needs permission and unreasonable to think it takes two to care for an eight month old at a family BBQ.

Nicknacky · 18/08/2017 21:57

But not everyone feels like that, tbh your feelings sound quite extreme and not everyone will feel like that.Having a baby whilst a major life changing event, is not a life stopping one. It shouldn't take two parents to look after one baby at a bbq.

Bahhhhhumbug · 18/08/2017 22:00

I don't think you wanted him to go to the engagement party without you ( presuming you were invited as engagement parties are usually couple invites obv.) So because you couldn't go you didn't want him to either.