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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ShoesHaveSouls · 19/08/2017 20:29

Badly worded OP, clumsy. As I posted, I was in the absolute minority - I thought YWNBU. You've just been subjected to the infamous MN pile on that's all. Don't let it get to you.

CockacidalManiac · 19/08/2017 20:44

There's drip feeds, and then there's drip feeds.
'AIBU?'
'Yes!'
'No I'm not, and here's loads of supporting information that I 'forgot' to mention first time'

JessieMcJessie · 19/08/2017 21:08

You missed the most sensible solution.

You go to BBQ, DH stays at home with the baby. You come home in time for him to go to his party.

That way the baby doesn't have to go to an event that upsets her and your DH doesn't have to drive back and forth to both events.

Shame you didn't think of that.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/08/2017 21:21

You may not have screamed and shouted but he would have been on eggshells. You keep saying you have him a choice and then go on to say you told him you'd rather he was with you and you would be disappointed etc therefore not actually giving him a choice and for no ear ache he chose not to go. If you want to give a choice you don't tell him your preference otherwise it really isn't a choice.

ShoesHaveSouls · 19/08/2017 21:23

Oh, leave OP alone now - he's not 'on eggshells' - she already said he'd missed several family occasions with her because he didn't fancy going.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 19/08/2017 21:30

You guilted him in to coming with you. Hopefully next year he will have the sense to not bother going to your dads BBQ at all.

I agree that normal etiquette says you shouldn't cancel on something agreed to when something better comes along but this was a yearly thing against a one off thing!

scottishdiem · 19/08/2017 21:34

You go to BBQ, DH stays at home with the baby.

I thought one of the reasons to go was to show off the baby?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/08/2017 21:43

shoes and why should he go to little family things that he usually goes to if he doesn't fancy it? Op can do the same if she wishes. I went to see my mum the other day and my partner didn't want to come so I took the two kids on my own. No big deal, he doesn't have to do everything with me.

Justdontknow4321 · 19/08/2017 21:46

You sound like a control freak - if he would of gone to the engagement party I bet the nagging he would of got of you later wouldn't of made it worth it!

Why couldn't u just go to the BBQ with ur dd on your own and he go to the party?

And come on, a BBQ doesn't win over a bloody close friends engagement party!! A BBQ that happens every year. You sound selfish.

5rivers7hills · 19/08/2017 21:47

Are you for real?

He should have gone to his mates engagement party and you should have gone to your dads annual party.

I can't believe you forbade him to go!

Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 21:51

I apologised because I wasn't anticipating that we would leave after such a short amount of time, and it didn't seem worth it to miss out on his party. But I can't predict the future so I wasn't to know that. I'm conflicted about the whole situation, that's why I posted on here in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 21:58

I forbade him to go?! He's an adult I hardly held him down and said he can't go. I'm allowed to assert how I feel, that's part of being in a relationship. I said how I felt and he used that to make a decision.

OP posts:
Coldkebab · 19/08/2017 22:03

I think you oh is a bit selfish here he could of done both so not to let your dad down. If he wasnt willing to put in an hour and a half drive then was it that important to him.anyway.
I wouldnt let my dad down but thats because we recently lost my mum.

Family are very important to me but not so much my husband but he always choses to come along with ne to events with family unless hes ill or something i always go with him to his families and we stay with dd for a few nights. I hope all the strong comments havent put you off or upset you. Xx

Coldkebab · 19/08/2017 22:03

I think you oh is a bit selfish here he could of done both so not to let your dad down. If he wasnt willing to put in an hour and a half drive then was it that important to him.anyway.
I wouldnt let my dad down but thats because we recently lost my mum.

Family are very important to me but not so much my husband but he always choses to come along with ne to events with family unless hes ill or something i always go with him to his families and we stay with dd for a few nights. I hope all the strong comments havent put you off or upset you. Xx

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/08/2017 22:04

OP you said that you got the invitation from your father and replied straight away. Did you discuss it with DP first?

Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 22:09

So in summary about 90% of people who have posted think I'm a bitch and control freak, because they think I have DP so whipped that he will do anything at the click of my fingers, and I did the wrong thing because they've lost any sense of common courtesy in actually keeping plans and not ditching them if something better comes along. So I'm a little old fashioned. You can assert your feelings without being abusive to me at least. You don't know me, yet you feel perfectly comfortable with abusing me over something I wasn't sure if I did the right thing. And if the wedding was on the same day, I hope they would have sent out invitations a little more than 2 months in advance and of course we'd prioritise it.

Thank you to the few people who supported me, and to those who had a different opinion to me yet did not jump to conclusions or hurl abuse at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 22:10

We were all together when we got the invite and we both said we'd go

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 19/08/2017 22:23

Over dramatic much?!

No-one has been abusive. You asked if you were unreasonable. Most (but not all) think you were. Maybe not the response you wanted but that doesn't make it abuse. However, your dramatic responses do give a good indication of why your DP took the easy option for a quiet life.

echt · 19/08/2017 22:24

OP, why did you post in AIBU if you expected to be affirmed?

You sounded controlling because you used the words "stopped my DP form going to friends' engagement" on your OP.

Your updates show you as piling on the pressure.

And drip feeding.

And referring to your baby without the possessive pronoun. Twee.

While I get that one should go with a first invite, this circumstance was unusual enough to break with etiquette.

JessieMcJessie · 19/08/2017 22:31

Scottishdiem

OP specifically said " I wanted his support with this particular one as baby gets agitated around lots of people."

Surely better therefore not to take the baby at all than take her somewhere she'll get agitated?

Bumdishcloths · 19/08/2017 22:36

I completely understand why he didn't go to the party after the BBQ. Who would want to? Drive 45 mins there, apparently listen to baby scream for an hour while presumably wishing you were somewhere else, drive 45 mins back, then have to go out again. If I were him I would've felt so resentful at being at the BBQ that I wouldn't have been in the mood for the party at all.

Also, repeatedly telling him he should go to the party having already said you'd prefer him at the BBQ probably confused the fuck out of him and he felt like he couldn't do right for doing wrong. You martyred him into it by the sounds of it 🤔

wobblywonderwoman · 19/08/2017 22:50

Wedding invitations are sent six weeks before a wedding

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/08/2017 23:00

Wedding invitations are sent six weeks before a wedding

Not true these days.

ShoesHaveSouls · 19/08/2017 23:42

Oh fgs, leave it alone. OP said he could go to the fucking engagement party - the one that was so important he only got an invitation to 2 weeks beforehand.

He said it was too much hassle. Well, if it's too much hassle to attend an evening, after a daytime bbq, then it's not that important to him is it?

If that was me, I'd have gone to both - not moan about too much travelling. I've had many "I'll attend both" moments - yes it's knackering, but I've done it, and so could he.

ShoesHaveSouls · 19/08/2017 23:51

All these posters so furious that her poor darling Partner hadn't been allowed to go to the ball (as though he's some poor cinders and she's the wicked stepmother) - let it go. He could have gone, and would have if it had been important enough.