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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GotToGetMyFingerOut · 18/08/2017 23:57

You were definitely unreasonable. As he said the engagement of his good friend was a one off. I hope you let him go to the wedding.

Lweji · 18/08/2017 23:58

Please don't assume someone's a cunt rather than potentially undiagnosed issues.

I didn't at all. What an odd thing to say.

However, the bit I quoted ("Do you remember back to having your first baby?") assumed that everyone would find it difficult to go out with their first baby. Not so.

wobblywonderwoman · 19/08/2017 00:03

You were being very selfish. It was your dads invitation - so you could have easily gone with baby and met the people who didn't know you were pregnant last year.

Resentment sets in very quickly

Heebejeebees · 19/08/2017 00:13

Lweji - 'Yesterday 23:41 Lweji

I understand, but I don't think many women will be that worried about going out and about with a baby for a couple of hours, let alone to a party given by their own family.'

Insinuating that this person is not normal. You said similar earlier when you were off on a plane with yours alone at 8 months. I'm not the same as you....Which makes me feel inferior... But I'm great at loads of things!

Anyhow, this is all good and great, and maybe my label 'cunt' was directed at other less gracious posters actually, so sorry, but I feel like OP whilst unreasonable, might be in a flux and need some support not abuse. I may be wrong, but I'd rather err on the positive side, and was offering my titbits of regret as advice earlier up thread Smile

MrsFezziwig · 19/08/2017 00:29

I'm pleased to see I am not totally alone in thinking that it is really rude to accept an invitation of any sort only until a better offer comes along. And given that half of Mumsnet can't wait to refuse an actual wedding invitation, why has an engagement party suddenly become the event of the year? If only two weeks' notice was given, then it is hardly going to be what someone has described as a big reunion, as lots of people are likely to have had previous engagements and being politer than most of the posters on here will have gone to the events they accepted for first.
I think the OP has not expressed herself very well but there was really nothing to stop her DP putting in a few hours at the BBQ & then going on to the engagement party at night, except he was in a sulk & couldn't be arsed.

Penelopeg · 19/08/2017 00:32

It depends how close his friend is but rally f it meant so much to him he should have insisted. It was an engagement party not a wedding so not a huge deal.

myusernameisnotmyusername · 19/08/2017 00:35

YADBU and you know it.

SilverySurfer · 19/08/2017 00:56

You obviously disagree with 90% of the posters who have said you were unreasonable so it was pretty pointless asking wasn't it?

SouthWindsWesterly · 19/08/2017 01:02

He should have apolgised to your dad as you had both accepted two months beforehand and explained. You could have both then gone to the engagement party.

Did you even check with your dad?

Lweji · 19/08/2017 01:09

Heebejeebees

You're twisting things.
The original statement implied that people in general just didn't remember how it was to have a first baby and that they'd not have wanted to go out alone with that baby.
I've posted to show that it wasn't so. That it wasn't a case of forgetting how it had been.

If at 8 months you are so afraid of going out alone with your baby it is not natural and you do need help. As is the case with PND. It may be fairly common, but not that common, not a consequence of birth for all and people should seek help. Not just to think it's normal to require the other to tag along at all times. Because it's not.

Babyiwantabump · 19/08/2017 01:45

YWBU

TashaRomanoff · 19/08/2017 02:21

YABU even if you said he could go you also finished with I would prefer it if he came with you. Also I agree it would have been too much traveling for him. You sound absolutely controlling.

Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 02:59

It's not that I disagree with a majority of people on here so there was no point asking, but I have found it very upsetting that I've been labelled a control freak over something I thought was general social etiquette- you don't accept an invitation until something better comes along. If you knew us both you would know I am anything but controlling, but here I am, labelled as a control freak so hey ho.

DP had recently missed a few of my smaller family gatherings simply because he didn't want to, and I wanted his support with this particular one as baby gets agitated around lots of people.

Also after he told me how much it meant to him I told him he should go, several times up until the day. As much as I wanted him with me I could have survived it.

Maybe I should have made these points in my original post, and maybe I didn't articulate myself. Saying I 'stopped him' or 'let him go' was perhaps a poor choice of words, but I hardly held him at gun point and forced him to go

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 19/08/2017 03:07

And when I say smaller family gatherings, I mean like seeing my grandparents who also live a good 2 hours away so I don't see them very often. On particular time he said he said just didn't want to come, so I arranged to go on my own, and he later apologised and said it wasn't fair of him as I accompany him to similar things with his family and he then offered to come with me. But I'd already arranged to go on my own

OP posts:
WWYD17 · 19/08/2017 03:14

You gave him the choice, but telling him you'd prefer him not to go it's not really giving him a choice.

Sorry OP, because you're getting a bit of a hard time here but this is true.

littlemisssweetness · 19/08/2017 05:52

There's giving someone a choice where they literally do have a choice or there "giving someone a choice" where it's very clear that they had better pick a certain option, your op very much comes across like the second one

GinIsIn · 19/08/2017 06:01

I think social etiquette perhaps doesn't consider that someone would send invites more than 2 months in advance for a casual family BBQ!

YABU, especially as "having his support" clearly wasn't needed when you still had to leave after 1 hour.

TheLegendOfBeans · 19/08/2017 06:07

Regardless OP, it was a bad call. YWBU.

larrygrylls · 19/08/2017 06:07

Clumsy,

I am with you here. If you accept an invite, you don't change your mind if something better comes up. It is massively insulting to the original host. An engagement party is not a 'one off', it is just a party. Personally I find engagement parties ineffably naff anyway. An engagement is a private thing between the couple and the party to celebrate it is called a wedding (I am aware that some may find this old fashioned).

Finally you did not stop him going, merely stated your preference. This is perfectly ok when you are married and not controlling. It only becomes controlling if you shout and scream if your preference is ignored.

Artisanjam · 19/08/2017 06:20

Your DP sounds a bit crap to me, especially after your update.

If you'd suggested ways in which he could go to both and he chose not to, while whining about you not letting him afterwards, that is a bit crap of him.

SpareASquare · 19/08/2017 06:23

You made it quite clear how you felt about something that was important to your DP. Sometimes it's not so simple as saying "but I told him to go" Especially if you are someone that will make him 'pay' for his 'choice' because then it isn't really a 'choice' after all.

So yes, you were unreasonable. I get the point that you don't accept an invitation until something better comes along but, sometimes it's not about 'something better'.

Garlicansapphire · 19/08/2017 06:28

Personally I would have opted out of a family party (mine or in-laws) for a good friend's engagement party - I think I probably did! Whether or not invites were issued months in advance. A regular family event would not be more important than a special one-off.

And I would have been very happy to attend my family's BBQ on my own without DP with a small baby as my family could help me if the baby got squally.

strawberrisc · 19/08/2017 06:30

I'm friends with the loveliest couple you could ever meet. They regularly host BBQs and parties at their house and provide ALL the food. All a guest has to do is to bring their own drinks but even then they provide more! A lot of planning goes into (for example) catering to vegetarians and little touches such as games and special little presents for the children. If I were to accept such an invitation I wouldn't change it lightly. Yes OPs Dad's BBQ is annual thing but they accepted the invitation so far in advance that I'm guessing that Dad puts a lot of planning and effort into entertaining.

OnionKnight · 19/08/2017 06:34

YABU and I can understand why he didn't want to then drive for an hour and a half each way at short notice.

kateandme · 19/08/2017 06:35

i am surprised at all the against here.and I found myself chaging my mind because I was scared everyone would think me U too even though it wasn't my event!becasue I can see how youd want to go to this get together as a unit.so I see why you wanted that.
I can also see how he wanted to go to engagement.
and oringinally I did think "oh id rather like it if he chose to come with us" yet I can see the other side too...but now having read all the replys to you OP I think I'm a cow for thinking this so I cant imagine how you must feel at some of these replys.a bit harsh some of them.
I don't see there is anything wrong with wanting to go to your familys as a family. perhaps some discussion later you would have seen that dp could have gone off afterwards.
but I'm still unsure.and my mind is changed somewhat due to fear of MN replys :s to you

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