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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 18/08/2017 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/08/2017 20:49

Oh I see you suggested he go to both, 'too much driving' is what we sometimes have to do in order to be there for people we care about even if it does cause us some discomfort, I don't call 45 minutes each way a significant journey, nor do I call 1.5 hours each way THAT far, both is quite a lot but not outside the realms of possibility.

BakedBeans47 · 18/08/2017 20:50

Why ask whether you were BU when you then have a strop when people tell you that you were?

Having had 2 babies of my own I still find it hard to believe you can have "needed his support" that much in looking after one 8 month old baby.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/08/2017 20:50

Do you only have one car so it was one event or the other?
Were they in different directions meaning rather than being an extra 45 minutes on from bbq destination it was over 2 hours the other way?
Could nobody else have picked you and baby up to go to bbq?

I appreciate you wanted the time away at a joyful event with family and family friends to meet new baby but yes i think you were unreasonable.

Engagements can be once in a lifetime and it was a very close friend. It could well have been an oppertunity to catch up with all his uni mates, some who he might not have seen since but came out for the big event. Theres no saying they are all close enough to get stag do or wedding invites and hes missed the big reunion opertunity.

A reasonable person would have completely understood him missing the annual bbq for such a special event he couldnt have known about when you rsvp'd.

You obviously made it clear that you wanted to do the bbq and made him feel too guilty to go to the engagement, and it will be a massive insult to injury that baby played up and you left after an hour and hes missed it for no good reason.

fruitbats · 18/08/2017 20:50

YWVVU.
And I'm a bit surprised that you needed 'support' with your DC unless there are other issues.

Aquathest · 18/08/2017 20:51

I told him to go if he wanted to, but I would prefer it if he came with me

How do you usually react if he does not do what you prefer?

AdalindSchade · 18/08/2017 20:52

Why couldn't you handle your own baby alone for a night with your family around you? Seriously?

stella23 · 18/08/2017 20:53

I doubt he felt like he had a choice tbh, would you have made it easy for him to go or would you have sulked.

Flip the roles can you imagine your best friend getting engaged and you had to go to mil for a BBQ, everyone would tell you to go to support your friend just like now and how would you have felt in his shoes

All this 'I let him go' and my family/ friends stuff come before yours just causes resentment.

JaneEyre70 · 18/08/2017 20:53

I wouldn't have had an issue with him going, but then I'm an adult that can function with a baby at a family party as I would imagine you are too, OP. Was there another reason why you didn't want him to go, ie an ex attending, or him getting drunk?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 18/08/2017 20:53

You didn't really give him a choice, or you wouldn't have asked if you should have let him go.

CotswoldStrife · 18/08/2017 20:54

Your baby is eight months old but no-one knew you were pregnant at (presumably) the same time last year? Is this a reverse?

MaudGonneMad · 18/08/2017 20:54

Your title said you 'stopped DP from going'. I suspect 'gave him the fucking choice' wasn't much of a choice, tbh.

Sisinisawa · 18/08/2017 20:54

I'm a total wuss when I have babies and like OH to help when he can. But even I would have just rode it out at a family event so he could go to his mate's engagement. Just stick baby in a sling if they're clingy.

MadMags · 18/08/2017 20:54

"Let him go"

"Support" with one crying baby?

Jesus!

Pippa12 · 18/08/2017 20:54

You know you have been unreasonable otherwise you wouldn't be asking on here. First year of parenthood is a tough one tho, hormones, tiredness, insecurities... chalk it up to experiance and move on x

Lemonnaise · 18/08/2017 20:57

YABU and so is he for allowing you to make his choices for him.

Rosierosa15 · 18/08/2017 20:57

Why are you even asking? You clearly don't want to be told you were unreasonable.

HundredMilesAnHour · 18/08/2017 20:58

How was I being controlling if I told him to go if he wanted to, but I would prefer it if he came with me? I gave him the fucking choice!

No you didn't. It's very clear from what you've written that your poor DH had no real choice. I hate to imagine the earache he would have got if he'd dared to go against your wishes. You sound high maintenance and controlling and I fail to understand why you were incapable of looking after one 8 month old when surrounded by family. Yet you insist you still needed your DP's support. Pretty poor show on your part. I hope this doesn't affect your DP's relationship with his close friend who got engaged. Missing the engagement party for an annual family BBQ is a piss poor excuse.

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/08/2017 20:58

I think there is a lot of assumption that this BBQ is a non event. We don't know that this isn't the ops family's equivalent to 'the annual family get together' in which case I think there is a case for arguing this should trump a last minute engagement party. If the newly engaged couple are truely great friends then they will be happy to celebrate with you another evening. But then our engagement 'party' was a drink in the pub for whoever wanted to join us and we didn't make it a big deal. Surely the wedding will be the BIG occasion.

Heebejeebees · 18/08/2017 21:00

Clumsymumsy22 - I used to be a little over wrought at my partner having a separate social life when I had my first. It was a mixture of working full time, 3 months maternity leave, and me paying all the bills. But mostly it was because he went on the piss all the time, even whilst I was in labour. I ended up controlling, trying to control situations. I have no idea of any of things rings true in your situation, but right now I'm a single mum to two, and I have to do it all myself. There is no one else.
The breakdown of my relationship was caused ultimately by him not growing up and putting his family first, but my reaction to that exasperated the situation as I ended up very controlling. Sometimes it's good to take a step back and encourage your other half to go do stuff, take a break etc. Not saying my situation would be any different now than it is, but maybe a thought to keep in mind for you and your family happiness. Best of luck

troodiedoo · 18/08/2017 21:04

I'm surprised by the majority response here, thought MN viewed engagement parties as a pile of wank.

Also if he didn't ask if he could go and just told her, that would make op the default parent, another Mn no no.

I think you should honour the first invitation you accept. Although as pp have said, bit weird sending bbq invitations 2 months in advance.

CarolinePenvenen · 18/08/2017 21:05

I can’t see he was that bothered about the party if he couldn’t be bothered to go after the hour he spent at the bbq.

Scrumptiousbears · 18/08/2017 21:05

Engagement party - hopefully once in a lifetime.

BBQ - annual

A no brainer. Even when you have a baby you don't have to be joined at the hip OP.

HerOtherHalf · 18/08/2017 21:11

OP, ask yourself honestly, would you be happy if he insisted you miss your bestie's engagement party for the sake of a BBQ at his parents'?

WhataHexIgotinto · 18/08/2017 21:11

Of course YWBU, I don't know how you can't see that. Surely you could cope with your own baby for an hour?