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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/08/2017 20:18

YABU. Surely your family could have helped you with your baby?

I hope his friend doesn't have the audacity to hold his wedding on the same date as your annual BBQ

Scribblegirl · 18/08/2017 20:18

nick I hav a friend who does. It's this long standing family thing that all the children have co-opted their mates to. I love my friend but I'm always delighted when I have a cross engagement, its one of those odd family things that frankly should be kept in the family!

TippyTinkleTrousers · 18/08/2017 20:18

The answer was very simple. Him to the engagement party, you to your Dads.

YWBU.

Raver84 · 18/08/2017 20:19

You should have gone to the bbq by yourself surely you know people there who would have loved to help with the baby if you needed an extra pair of hands. I tend to find family events easy in that there is always someone willing to feed or hold baby as they don't see them too often. I also don't understand why you left after an hour because baby cried; now you have both missed out, you on dad's bbq and him on his mates do . I think you have been a little unfair.

Joinourclub · 18/08/2017 20:19

I'm also one of the few who don't think you were in the wrong. You had already accepted the invitation to your dads, therefore he was busy and couldn't accept the other invitation.

I think 'let him go' was a poor choice of words, but surely it is not uncommon for a husband to say to his wife ' do you mind if I go to x?' And a wife to say 'yes/no' essentially granting or refusing f permission? (and vice versa) or do all married couples simply say 'oh you're an adult you do what you like' ?

Also it's only a bloody engagement party, there is going to be a wedding and no doubt a stag weekend for him to go to!

PersianCatLady · 18/08/2017 20:19

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming
He should have gone regardless of what you said , if he wanted to go.

As for needing his support with a screaming baby, how do you cope the rest of the time?

Nicknacky · 18/08/2017 20:20

scribble I generally have an annual Bbq but it tends to be when we realise the weather will be good and I text everyone!

Theresnonamesleft · 18/08/2017 20:21

Don't know why he couldn't have done both.
Yes, you live together and have a child together, but you don't have to do everything together.

LondonNicki · 18/08/2017 20:21

BBQs that happen annually really should demand an RSVP 'months in advance'.... what if something more significant comes up in the meantime - like a good friends engagement party!!! FFS he should have gone to his friends' party and you were wrong not to 'allow' it.

NicolasFlamel · 18/08/2017 20:21

You owe him a massive apology. I can't believe you feel entitled to "let" a grown adult go to a party or not. And why couldn't you do without his support with your daughter for a family BBQ? She's an 8 month old baby, not a T-Rex.
Just no. So much wrong with this.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/08/2017 20:21

You both have an 8 month old baby. Your DP asked if you would miss an already agreed, once a year event and baby sit your child so he could go to an important party on his own. You said you would but would prefer you both stuck to previous arrangement.

I don't see here how you stopped him going. You pointed out that his going was a cost to you and while you'd put up with it, you wouldn't like it. That seems like a fairly normal reaction to be honest. He agreed bot to put that on you and you both went to the BBQ, which unfortunately did not go well. That's just the the way things go with a baby sometimes. It has no bearing on whether he should or shouldn't have gone to the engagement instead. Unless you've had lots of similar outings with the same result, you can't know in advance whether a baby is going to fit into a family event, you just have to try. HE shouldn't have sulked about it after he'd said he'd do the BBQ just because the BBQ wasn't great with the baby.

I think it's important to give each other room to do things when you have a child. But this was a short notice engagement party that clashed with another semi-important event. It wasn't the wedding or even the stag. He can go off and congratulate the couple at some other point. Unless you are often going out I don't think it was unreasonable to say you really wanted to be able to go to the BBQ.

elevenclips · 18/08/2017 20:21

You were terribly unreasonable imo. Ok so you'd accepted your dad's invitation and wanted to show off your baby - you could have gone with your baby and told people your dp was unable to attend. This is your family and you could have attended.

I can't believe you wouldn't let dp go to a close friends engagement party, he should have gone to this whilst you took your baby to your dads.

You argument of you'd accepted your dads invitation first only applies to identical events e.g. You accept invitation to party A then get invited to party B, both friends, you stick with your acceptance to A. But in your scenerio the events were different, your family, his friends, you could have separately attended both.

LuLuuuuuuu · 18/08/2017 20:22

If I was your DH I would still go as the engagement party is in the evening and you only stayed an hour at the BBQ

YWBU

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/08/2017 20:22

YABU and rather mean.

LagunaBubbles · 18/08/2017 20:23

Oh well you have him where you want him I suppose. Not my recipe for an equal partnership mind you.

viques · 18/08/2017 20:23

If you both had already accepted the first invitation , to the BBQ, then that is the one you attend. No matter if it is an annual family do, you decline any subsequent invites with regrets.... An engagement party is nothing anyway, presumably he will have the stag and wedding to go to at some point.

Original poster

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 20:24

I suggested he go to the party after the BBQ but he said it was too much travelling for one day

OP posts:

balsamicbarbara · 18/08/2017 20:24

YANBU to be truthful and say you would prefer him to come with you. It was his fault he didn't recognise it was just a preference and to make his own decision. Unless you often hold it against him if he makes his own decisions?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/08/2017 20:25

But this was a short notice engagement party that clashed with another semi-important event

I personally wouldn't call a BBQ that happens every single year a semi-important event tbh.

user1487194234 · 18/08/2017 20:28

Your marriage your lookout but personally

NoodleNinja · 18/08/2017 20:28

YABU. He could have 'let' him go after the BBQ.

user1487194234 · 18/08/2017 20:29

Sorry I think YWBVU He is not a child for you to allow to do things

NoodleNinja · 18/08/2017 20:29

Sorry, cross posted.

Original poster

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 20:31

And normally she's a very happy baby and rarely cries let alone screams. She's been really clingy to me lately and will scream if she's held by anyone else other than me or DP, so I was grateful for his help and other family wouldnt have been able to help. So yes, I did need DP's support

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 18/08/2017 20:31

Of course he should choose what party he goes to. If family is at the BBQ why can't they help you with the baby?

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