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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopped DP from going to friends engagement party to go to my dads annual BBQ - WIBU?

252 replies

Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 19:48

My dad has a BBQ every year and they invite about 30 friends altogether. I now have an 8 month old so I was particularly looking forward to it as no one knew I wasn't pregnant last year. We confirmed we were going about 2 months in advance, as soon as we got our invites. But about 2 weeks before the BBQ, DP told me one of his best friends from uni had got engaged and had invited us to their party the same night as the BBQ. Non of us live near each other, and it's about, 45 minutes to my dads and about an hour an a half to this friends. We wouldn't have been able to take baby to engagement party as it was in the evening and so far from home, but could take her to my dads as it was in the day.

When DP asked me if he could go, leaving me at home with baby for the night, I said he can go but I would prefer it if he came with me to my dad's as we had already committed. DP said the engagement arty was for a really close friend of his for a really special occasion, whereas my dad has his BBQ's every year.

None the less, we all went to the BBQ, baby screamed the whole time and we were only there an hour. On the way home I apologised for him missing out on the engagement for that, and he reiterated that the engagement would have meant a lot more to him and he felt he should have gone.

Should I have let him go? I was really glad to have his support at the BBQ with baby screaming.

Who was being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 20:32

I suggested he go to engagement after BBQ but said it was too much travelling for one day

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 18/08/2017 20:32

Family and friends could have helped in other ways though, got you food and drinks etc.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 18/08/2017 20:32

I was set to say YWBU because I thought the BBQ would take all day and evening. But your update says he could have gone after but refused as it's too much travelling. Well to me that sounds like it's his own fault then and actually you didn't stop him but he somehow makes this your fault? In which case YANBU and HIBU.

I do think a one off special event such as an engagement party trumps an annual BBQ but it's clear he could have done both. Kept you happy and gone to the party later. In a similar situation my dh would have sucked it up and done the extra travelling. Sometimes it's just what has to be done.

Nicknacky · 18/08/2017 20:33

Oh come on Op, let's not pretend it takes two of you to deal with one baby at a family event. You said yourself you would be showing him off.

So for a one off occasion your dp should have went to the party.

Jammydodger81 · 18/08/2017 20:33

Piglet I would if it's the only time she gets to see certain people every year.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/08/2017 20:34

OP did you drive at all?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 18/08/2017 20:34

Oh and I don't think you 'stopped' him going. I think he didn't make enough effort to get there.

RainyDayBear · 18/08/2017 20:34

I think YWBU. If you were still in the newborn days I'd have agreed with you as the first couple of months is tough, but I do think he should have been able to go to the engagement party.

Imstickingwiththisone · 18/08/2017 20:35

It's a shame that you didn't do a thread beforehand OP! It's easy to get wrapped up especially as it sounds like you wanted to show your baby off to extended family, and i know first hand how some family occasions are considered sacred by the host and it can be hard to see it's actually not that big a deal. But i think you should have felt more confident being at the BBQ without your DP.

I don think the phrasing of 'let him go' is all that bad. The party was in the evening so if my DP said he was going out and I felt it would be tricky due to family circumstances then I'd say i didn't want him to, IE, let him go. When you're a parent then no you can't just fuck off and say I'm an adult you deal with it, it's considerate to check with your DP.

If it was discussed in the way you've said though, and your DP felt that strongly about wanting to go, then why didn't he put that across instead of just accepting your initial (unreasonable) response?

So yeah ywbu but you're not controlling or any of the other daft accusations you've had thrown at you.

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/08/2017 20:37

Is this a reverse? YABU

pasturesgreen · 18/08/2017 20:38

Jesus fucking Christ!

You were being so unreasonable it actually makes me shudder just thinking about it. Can't believe your DP humored you.

MaQueen · 18/08/2017 20:38

join "essentially giving permission for them to go" ...WTAF (again)???

I have been with DH over 25 years and neither of us have ever 'given permission' for the other to do anything. As a courtesy we run our plans by each other, but I can't think of hardly any times where we have said 'no'..and if we did it would be for a sensible reason and not because we wanted to show off what a happy little family we are at a BBQ

sonjadog · 18/08/2017 20:38

Yeah, you were unreasonable. Poor guy. You owe him a huge apology.

mmmmnuts · 18/08/2017 20:39

In his position, I would have gone to the engagement party 100%. So he was being too passive in not just telling you he wanted to go and going.

In your position, I would have told him to go to the engagement party if he wanted to. So you were being U not to "let him".

NicolasFlamel · 18/08/2017 20:40

This is going to be:
Aibu?
Yes.
No I'm not.
Yes you are.
Fuck you all then.

I can feel it in my waters.

scrabbler3 · 18/08/2017 20:40

His friends probably feel a bit sorry for him now. You sound quite demanding. That said, he agreed to miss it so it's his own fault really. If he posted on here he'd be told to get a backbone.

MaQueen · 18/08/2017 20:41

Hmmm...'too much travelling' makes him sound like quite a half hearted friend, really. Is he 70?

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/08/2017 20:43

Illstartexercisingtomorrow
I was set to say YWBU because I thought the BBQ would take all day and evening

We don't know if that was the plan or not, I suspect that it was. And it was only cut short due to baby not settling.

But (replying to someone else's point) 1.5 hours of driving + another 1.5 hours of driving, makes it a very long day even without the trip back and the no-one knows how many hours f socialising with the IL's

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/08/2017 20:43

I'm also going against the masses, I would always honour the invite that had been accepted first, not ditch that event in favour of a better offer, otherwise that gives your dad the impression he isn't important to you, annual event or not. However I would have done anything I could to fit in both occasions, as one was a day thing I would have taken two cars and explained in advance that there was an evening engagement that your dh needed to get to and therefore he would be leaving earlier than you.

Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 20:44

How was I being controlling if I told him to go if he wanted to, but I would prefer it if he came with me? I gave him the fucking choice! I even suggested he goes to his party after but he chose not to!

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 18/08/2017 20:45

scrabbler3

If he posted on here he would probably be told that he was a bad dad and shouldn't be abandoning his 8 month old and the mother of his child for a jolly.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/08/2017 20:46

You needed his help to hold the baby for the whole hour that you were at the BBQ? Really?

I'm with you Nicolas Biscuit

cherish123 · 18/08/2017 20:46

Why would you stop him going? You go to your dad's and he can go to his party. I don't see what the problem is. If he tried to be that controlling, I am sure you would complain.

Original poster
Clumsymumsy22 · 18/08/2017 20:46

And apologised for swearing

OP posts:
londonrach · 18/08/2017 20:47

Chatty...an engagement is a one off hence why mn going against normal behaviour and it was ops comment let him go. Op i agree with everyone else yabu or this is a reverse!