To insist to see his credit file?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Background, DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, cohabiting for 2.5 years.

He earns reasonable money, however when he moved into my house, I found demands from payday lenders shoved into the back of cupboards at his old place. He dismissed these and said they weren't my concern as they were incurred and paid off before we met. Fine, I left it at that.

Last year, a demand came to our house for an old outstanding debt of around £1.7k. AFAIK, he has ignored that completely.

We were going to speak to a mortgage advisor early this year. The night before the apppointment, he broke down and cried, worrying that his credit rating would mean we were unable to get a mortgage. This is the only time I've ever seen him cry. We didn't go to the appointment.

I have today found another demand for late payment, shoved into a drawer, from another company.

WIBU to sit him down tonight and insist he shows me his credit report? We don't have any joint finances, and we are not married but I can't see how we can have a future when his attitude to debt is to hide it like this. I could be being harsh though, as a previous boyfriend declared himself bankrupt whilst we were living together and I had no idea!

You're wasting precious time.

It's tough but you absolutely know you can't stay and you don't even want to.

The sooner you do it the better! (and easier, before this starts to recede into the distance and he is indignant that you are 'dragging that up again')

It's going to be tough as it's your house, so you have to demand he leaves, which is horrid. .

Thank god you have found out now. Get him out as soon as possible and please check your own file!

How are you Changero? Been thinking of you.

So after he lies again and again and gets caught out, he's the one stonewalling you?
I'm sorry he's doing this to you, but it's telling you an awful lot about him. Stonewalling is a really nasty thing to do (especially since you've just started a new job, you're upset about what you've learned) and he's doing it to get you back in line, going along with whatever lies he wants you to believe.
If your DP makes you feel worse not better when you're going through this, what is he actually for?

You cannot stay with this man, OP. I married a similar type and as others have said, they don't change. He is a liar. Mine turned out to be a secret gambler, although he denied it. He was self-employed and I never knew how much he was earning. Me and DC were kept very short of money always. My name was blacklisted because of all the creditors he had.

Eventually I threw him out and it was only then that the extent of his debts came to light. it took me years to pay off what he had accrued but I was finally free.

Please do yourself a favour and end it with him.

Apart from the huge debt lying he hasn't asked how your new job is going for four days! He's a selfish lying arsehole. You don't want to be with a selfish lying arsehole. Get rid. One day you'll look back and be proud of yourself for doing it.

Hope you're doing ok OP

Thanks for thinking of me everyone who has commented.

I've delayed coming back on and updating because I've been embarrassed, to be honest, and feeling weak for not being able to follow all the advice I was given to get rid of him.

He finally broke down and told me everything. He's done a budget, sold some shares, and paid off one credit card in full, with a plan to pay off the rest over the next 10 months. He has agreed to come to counselling to try to re-build the trust between us and see if we can salvage things.

In the meantime I'm trying to do what I can to get some more self-esteem because I'm sure that there must be something wrong me to not be able to draw a line and walk away. I've joined Meetup, am trying to lose some weight, and have started a secret savings account so that if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain, and we do split up, I don't need to worry about having money to replace "his" things like the sofa and TV etc.

Please don't give me grief for being so pathetic, I know I should have walked away.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone on here. It's your life and you're the one who lives it every day. Not anonymous posters online.
You've achieved a lot so far and have a much better idea of what you're up against. As long as you stay alert and have a Plan B, then see how it goes - just don't commit to anything you can't back out of if you need to.

You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone. Personally, I think you've been quite admirable here by putting plans in place to help him out of his debt whilst simultaneously protecting your own interests with your secret savings.

I'm sure you're sensible enough to know that you can't join finances until his credit has improved drastically, which takes about 7 years due to the missed payments and defaults that will have been issued against him. Even then it's down to you whether you choose to make that decision based on if you trust them with finances again. A person can change remarkably in that time period though.

6 years ago I was left up to my eyeballs in debt by my ex and burying my head in the sand, I ended up in debt management which I paid off as quickly as I possibly could and I'm now 5 years entirely debt free, with savings to show for it. My credit file is still recovering, as a consequence, I have no joint finances with my now DH but we've found ways to make this work for us. I guess what I'm trying to say that maybe he also got in over his head and couldn't see his way out alone, his behaviour from this point on will show you how serious he is about making better choices.

I kind of feel for him because I used to be pretty irresponsible and hide demands in drawers or burn them. It's a hard thing to admit that you are in debt/your spending is out of control/you can't manage money. I'd definitely get him to show you his credit file, let him know it's so you can see the depth of the situation and to help him regain some control. Check out websites like step change and money advice service, they have lots of handy tips for getting on top of finances. The best thing I ever did was speak to my creditors, set up payment plans so I could get the money paid back and move on. It really is so freeing and watching my credit score go up every month (it's free for life on clear score to have access to your credit file). He just needs to know that hiding won't help, he's not on trial and although a tough journey getting a grip on money issues is the best feeling ever. No longer dreading the postie walking up the path is so nice. Try to go easy on him. Sometimes people do silly things with credit, it's easy to spiral. Apologies if I've repeated, didn't read all of the thread first. Good luck to you both. I hope there is a resolution.

Haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say my exDH hid debt, had erratic spending habits and lied about our finances. He suffered from a serious anxiety disorder and depression and couldn't face reality as it was too much for him. It caused massive problems between us as I couldn't tell what was down to his illness and what was down to his actual lack of responsibility. I am not saying you can't be in an excellent relationship if you suffer with either of these illnesses or are with someone who has these illnesses but it may be an avenue you might need to explore with your partner. I should have asked more questions and requested to see financial information. I worried too much about being polite and offending his sensibilities.

It's a process. You've only just realised he's all about him.

Those 4 days of not asking about your new job will stay with you.

Now the scales have fallen from your eyes you will probably start to notice how much he is focussed on Me Me Me and how much you accommodate it.

Did he tell you how he spunked that much money up the wall? Have you seen statements?

At least you know what you are dealing with now. You are having a tough time. I hope your new job is going well. Keep a little 'running away' money just in case he lets you down.

Changero - if you can salvage the relationship that's good. Your DP has opened up, put a plan into action to clear debt and is going to counselling. Maybe this was the push he needed. Compared to my ExP who just shrugged and basically said I'm a happy go lucky cocklodger , I've got no intention of working or growing up etc - he also refused for us to go counselling. If he had taken steps to address his debt and lack of job then I too would have stuck with my relationship. I didn't want it to end like it did, but I was no longer going to be taken advantage of.
You can see clearly now, your DP hopefully is changing things around, good luck - I really do hope it all works out for you in the end.

Stella what is 'the old stone walking technique'?

Or anyone?

Stonewalling.... I think it was an Autocorrect fail

Just an update which may not surprise some of you: we're seven months down the line now. I'd helped him with a plan and left him to get on with it. I've checked up now on how he's getting on against the plan. He should have paid off £5600 by now. He's only paid off £1500.

Still been overspending hugely, and his only response is "I'm shit". Yup.

I know it's going to be hard but he's kind of made this decision for you.If you want a future you really can't afford to be with him practically and emotionally.

He is a millstone around your neck OP.

I’m really sorry (but not massively surprised) to hear this update - from my experience people who can’t manage money really struggle to change.

You mentioned you “have started a secret savings account so that if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain, and we do split up, I don't need to worry about having money to replace "his" things like the sofa and TV etc. ”
Have you done this?

Being honest I just couldn’t live like this the stress must be enormous for you. Also It’s betrayal after betrayal in terms of the secrecy which must be very upsetting for you.

Hugs and flowers

What are you thinking now OP? Im not sure he will ever change.

What are you going to do now OP?

Hi OP

In your heart of hearts, I think you know what you have to do. Stonewalling is a form of abuse; and they don’t change, IMO.

My ex DP did this regularly and often and many years down the line, I still suffer esteem issues. Don’t be me.

As for the finances, my parents had mountains of debt, living the life, it all caught up with them eventually and it was hellish. Caused so many arguments as I fundamentally couldn’t understand the mentality - still can’t - still hurts. If I could have walked away, I would have. But we have family binding us together.

You’re free, you can walk. This will make you a better person, and find someone who respects your values and doesn’t shrug their shoulders.

Yes, you can do this!!