To insist to see his credit file?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Background, DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, cohabiting for 2.5 years.

He earns reasonable money, however when he moved into my house, I found demands from payday lenders shoved into the back of cupboards at his old place. He dismissed these and said they weren't my concern as they were incurred and paid off before we met. Fine, I left it at that.

Last year, a demand came to our house for an old outstanding debt of around £1.7k. AFAIK, he has ignored that completely.

We were going to speak to a mortgage advisor early this year. The night before the apppointment, he broke down and cried, worrying that his credit rating would mean we were unable to get a mortgage. This is the only time I've ever seen him cry. We didn't go to the appointment.

I have today found another demand for late payment, shoved into a drawer, from another company.

WIBU to sit him down tonight and insist he shows me his credit report? We don't have any joint finances, and we are not married but I can't see how we can have a future when his attitude to debt is to hide it like this. I could be being harsh though, as a previous boyfriend declared himself bankrupt whilst we were living together and I had no idea!

I don't think you should LTB because of the debt, but his attitude when you've spoken to him is a red flag.

I've been in debt, which I hid from DP for a couple of years when we first got together. I was ashamed, terrified, depressed and felt like I'd never get out. It was easier to bury my head in the sand, but as DP and I got more serious it was more difficult to hide, until eventually it all came out and I told him everything. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, I felt so ashamed, but sharing it felt like a huge weight was lifted, and luckily for me he was willing to support me and help me through it. DP is now DH, I no longer have debts, and would never keep anything from him.

I would speak to him again, don't make any demands to see his personal info, he will be feeling humiliated and exposed. Just reassure him that you love him and you want to help him, but you can't don't that unless he tells you the truth.

If he continues to lie, then that's a problem. But I'm quite horrified at the amount of PP calling to leave someone just because they've got debts and buried their head in the sand. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person.

Tell him you will have to rethink your future as you cannot trust him at the moment seeing as he is refusing to disclose his debts and show proof. I certainly don't think him going self employed is a good idea! Sounds like he is utterly useless with money.

My DH, then DP was in debt when we met, some little bits here and there and a couple of bigger bank ones. Was probably about 4k altogether. He was rubbish at dealing with money. Thankfully he was totally honest about it all and I ended paying most of it off whilst he paid our bills. We couldn't get a joint account though because of it as they wouldn't let us be financially linked. I have to say though, whilst DH has never got in debt again and doesn't really like credit at all, he still isn't great with money and saving and all the big stuff is down to me because if it was down to him, it would never happen. It does really grate on me sometimes that I have to be the responsible one and take on all the big purchases.

Rubbish. It's not about treating him like a child- it's about you knowing what you are letting yourself in for if you join up with him financially.

If he won't show you, I would definitely consider leaving him. You can't trust him and he is minimising this massively. Someone with 3k on a credit card would not cry about a mortgage appointment.

I have been on your DH position. When I got together with my current partner I had a mountain of sent from my previous relationship (abusive, if that makes a difference. And many loans taken out by my ex P but in my name).

It felt awful to come clean with him that my credit rating was far from spotless and that I was in financial trouble etc and I worked myself up and up about it. Needlessly as it turned out as he was very supportive and understanding and offered to help with it. Pride in my part wouldn't let him and I finally became debt free as of the beginning of this year. We live together but everything is in his name and u contribute to costs and our goal is to get my rating gleaming in time for us to look at mortgages in 5-6 years to upsize.

I was more up front than it seems your DH is being and much earlier in the relationship, however I can attest to how scary it felt to own up to my short comings and how much of a let down it made me feel despite his support.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, just explaining why he might be putting a front up for now...

Keep finances separate until you know his are cleaned up for sure though.

So he does think he doesn't need to pay them back!

You CAN'T trust him....and he behaves like a child so he may as well get used to being spoken to like one.

He's not going to stop doing this. He thinks he's entitled to other people's money.
He'll end up taking out business loans and then declaring himself bankrupt to avoid paying them back.
He has no integrity.

I suggest you veto the self-employment idea...you'll end up paying for everything
If he won't be open and honest with you,then there's no point being/living with him is there?

i bet the credit report shows his debt is higher....and follows a certain pattern over a number of years.

Arrange another mortgage meeting and the truth will come out

I believe debts don't stay on your record past 6 years. But without seeing a credit report whose to know

been there, done that. He shows you all three credit reports or you walk. Same as you will show him yours.

I'd want full disclosure and don't be afraid to push. Now dh hid so much from me in early days from embarrassed - he took loans and just didn't repay them so they rocketed. I to,d him i wanted all credit reports and bank statements of his and he could see mine.

We sorted out the mess together before he got ccg and he paid it off in 2 years once we negotiated with his debtors.

BUT i will always have to manage the money, be the saver as it's just not in his make up and he's happy for me to do that

He has every right not to let you see his credit record. But you on the other hand have every right not to enter into any financial set up with him. Indeed it would be very foolish to do so in view of his deception and secretiveness. It's up to you but really can you trust him after this.

Someone with 3k on a credit card would not cry about a mortgage appointment

^^
This.
He is full of shit. Even on the off chance he could get a mortgage, he'd only be offered crap rates.

It takes more than 3k on a credit card to affect a mortgage. If the debt is being paid off properly and regularly a 3k card would not affect credit in any major way. There is definitely more to this. He's absolutely hiding something.

If you are linking finances it is absolutely not unreasonable to know what you are getting into. You have found letters that suggest much higher debt than he's admitting to. A 3k debt should not have him terrified of seeing a mortgage advisor.

If you are getting a joint mortgage it's all going to come out anyway. They will credit check you both and it will all come out. If he won't go to the appointment there is obviously something there he doesn't want you to see. I cannot see how it's anything else.

You have letters that suggest high debt. If it's really just a credit card why doesn't he let you see for reassurance. Also just because something dropped off a record doesn't mean you don't have to pay it.

So he actually thinks it is OK to incur debt then walk away ignoring it knowing it will be erased from his credit file after x years.

You said the PayPal depot was £800? He told you it was half that do he is clearly lying about how much he really owes, doesn't even know or doesn't care.

So you get a joint mortgage. He goes self employed stops paying his share. Who has to stump it all up or get the mortgage company chase them if the other party just ignored them?

Don't join finances and don't have children unless you are very sure you can afford them alone.

Finances are a deal breaker for me personally.

He refuses to show me his credit report. I should trust him apparently: he's "not a child"

He's been lying and you know he's been lying to you for far too long.

The balls is really in your court, you can either continue accepting his lies or demand more transparency but given his attitude, you are really fighting a losing battle with someone who isn't interested in being different.

Why are you so desperate to be with someone who has such complicated relationship with the truth?

You were me several years ago OP!

Let's just say it didn't turn out well. I had years of finding out about debts and unpaid bills. Always an excuse. Hiding court summons for council tax from me. Hiding bailiffs letters. Then he committed benefit fraud by mis-declaring my income on a form I never had sight of.

He claimed he wanted to get a mortgage. We viewed about 20 properties. Every one he gave an excuse for why it wasn't suitable. Buying a house was a lie too.

Besides, I found out (after 8 years) that he couldn't have bought a house anyway as he was still married to his wife 😮

You don't want to end up like me OP. establish what sort of a person he is before taking big steps like a mortgage!!!

^ I should say, in case it isn't obvious that the benefit fraud and the house buying were at totally different times over the 8 years.

He refuses to show me his credit report. I should trust him apparently: he's "not a child".

Not a good sign, he knows it's an issue where he has already broken your trust by hiding it right up to the meeting with the mortgage broker, yet is still hiding it and trying to blame you for not trusting him!. Deal breaker for me. I expect and give full disclosure in all major aspects between me and dh, that includes finance. You cannot commit to a mortgage or a life with someone who hides debt from you.

I had an ex partner who was in a similar amount of debt and we were talking about buying a house. To cut a long story short - I stayed with him because he was honest and up front with me and we sat down together, went through our finances, and worked out how he could repay it and start saving.
I bought the house on my own, which was the best thing I ever did as ultimately we broke up - he struggled with my being financially better off than him, and it led to a lot of rows and difficulties - he said he didn't feel it was "our" home, only mine.

One thing I would say (which I'd say to anyone but especially a partner with debt and someone with as much equity as you do) is to speak to a solicitor ASAP. I was told by my solicitor that any partner I had who was contributing to the household finances (ie mortgage and house insurance) could sue me for a proportion back if we split. Several mortgage providers won't lend to people who cohabit for this reason, so I'd suggest you protect yourself as much as possible.

Sounds very much like my exP. He had lots of debts and ignored letters. He was a manchild/ cocklodger - no financial responsibility at all.
Being self-employed is not good. You have to be able to manage money for that. My ex was self employed but is was more a hobby job as he didn't earn enough to support himself with it, so lived off me. It was my house but he contributed practically nothing to the pot (but at least he had no claim on me or my house when he left).

I think you still have to be careful as he lives with you if bailiffs come round. I was surprised but when I watched 'Can't pay, take it away' the bailiffs could take goods off the partner or parents etc whose house it actually was, if they couldn't prove with receipts that the assets were theirs. I never realised that when exP lived with me. Once a debt collector came to the door which was a bit unnerving but he said he'd contact my partner and didn't hassle me thankfully. Now exP has gone I know longer worry about a knock at the door, or have to deal with debt collectors chasing on the phone which happened a lot.

He has lied to you in the past, he is lying to you now, and he will lie again in the future.

He hides his head under the covers like a child, hoping the problem will go away.
He thinks he can incur debt without having to repay it.
He knows he is in debt, cries about it, then goes out & buys you a Mint coin for £60.
He is going to go self-employed, which means you will be supporting him financially until he turns a profit.
He refuses to show you his credit record to allay your genuine concerns.

I would ask him to leave & sort his shit out before he becomes totally dependant on you.
When he behaves like an adult, THEN he may be ready for an adult relationship.

If you know all his details can you not just set uo a noddle account linked to your email? I did this for my husband.

Nothing dodgy its just i deal with all the finance and he trusts me...

So...you know he's been lying to you, he knows you know but he says you have to trust him?! How can you trust him when he won't even be honest now?

I would leave. Financial responsibility is a deal breaker for me and he's not even mitigating this by letting you see the full extent of the problems so you can decide if you want to help and how. You were talking about buying a place together - finances cannot be private in that scenario!

The fact he's got this far into debt and is now planning to go self-employed would be a massive red flag to me. To be self-employed, you have to be disciplined with record keeping and money (including setting aside money for the tax man) and he doesn't sound capable of doing this.

Decide how much you care about this issue and spell it out to him. If it's important to you and he still won't share his credit report - you have your answer about how important you are to him.

In his view, he hasn't lied. He reckons he told me about the Paypal account. I need to think about what to do.

I would be pointing out he tells you to trust him but doesn't trust you with all the information about his finances. Have a good think. Do not get a mortgage or joint account with him in the mean time though!

Why cry over such a small amount of debt? You are not hearing the truth.

Arrange a mortgage meeting again. When he fails to turn up you will know that something more is up.