To insist to see his credit file?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Background, DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, cohabiting for 2.5 years.

He earns reasonable money, however when he moved into my house, I found demands from payday lenders shoved into the back of cupboards at his old place. He dismissed these and said they weren't my concern as they were incurred and paid off before we met. Fine, I left it at that.

Last year, a demand came to our house for an old outstanding debt of around £1.7k. AFAIK, he has ignored that completely.

We were going to speak to a mortgage advisor early this year. The night before the apppointment, he broke down and cried, worrying that his credit rating would mean we were unable to get a mortgage. This is the only time I've ever seen him cry. We didn't go to the appointment.

I have today found another demand for late payment, shoved into a drawer, from another company.

WIBU to sit him down tonight and insist he shows me his credit report? We don't have any joint finances, and we are not married but I can't see how we can have a future when his attitude to debt is to hide it like this. I could be being harsh though, as a previous boyfriend declared himself bankrupt whilst we were living together and I had no idea!

[Motoko]

Leave it until you get paid. I know it sounds cold and calculating, but you need to protect yourself.

[rizlett]

If you do try and talk to him maybe it will help just to tell him you know 'everything' and then just say nothing - wait and wait and wait - leave the silence - leave a gap and see what he tells you.

It may be the best way to find out what's really going on.

[LeakyLittleBoat]

Agree you shouldn't confront him until you get paid, you need to take care of you first and foremost. As for being prepared to help him sort this out, no, just no. He's lied to you consistently for years and he will not change, you're looking at a lifetime of money problems if you tie yourself to this man. Get rid.

[Usernamegone]

When I went to see the mortgage broker they requested an up to date credit report to look at so they could advise the best mortgage. Could you tell him that you have booked another appointment and the advise has requested this?

[Isetan]

Deep down you know that this is who he is and there aren't any magic words that will make him different. Putting up with his obvious bullshit is a choice, it's just not a very smart one.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

I feel like I am bringing myself to his level of deceit by holding off until bills are paid. I am going to see if I can change the direct debit dates until after my payday. Then I'm going to tell him I know and tell him to fuck off.

[justilou1]

Be prepared to be totally gaslighted when you tell him. He'll do his best to make it your fault and you will be ungrateful, spiteful, money-hungry, etc... don't let him turn the table on you.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

I've told him I know. He still tried to hide it until I disclosed exactly how I knew. Then tried to say he'd told me about £5k debts, not £3.4k. If it wasn't for this forum and what I'd written then I'd almost be doubting myself. When asked why he lied: "Because I did."

Tried to blame it all on buying train tickets and always paying for me when we go out. Said again it wasn't an issue, he has savings, shares blah blah blah and could pay it off. Then carried on doing a quote for his self employed work.

It's fucking shit when you have to face up to the fact that someone isn't who you thought they were at all. This time 8 days ago everything was fine and dandy.

I know what I need to do but there is still a part of me saying we should try and sort this. Why am I so weak?! What is wrong with me, what is it about him that's got me like this!?

[FaithAgain]

So he did try to gaslight you. Predicable yet awful. You're not week, you just hope you can sse the relationship. That's totally understandable if you felt things were fine ten days ago. Unfortunately he is still lying to you, manipulating you (blaming you for his debt because he pays when you go out?!) and he makes no indication that he's going to change! I honestly think you'll feel better when you've walked away.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

I really hope so. It's terrifying to go back to being on my own again but I know I need to do it. I've written it all down so if I have a weak moment I can remind myself what a dick he is.

My son is going to be absolutely gutted. Happy bank holiday

[Mutiny0nTheBunty]

You could be describing my XH!

Lots my story short: it didn't get better; he lied and continues to lie; he didn't believe he should have to pay things back if it meant going without anything he wanted; he left me to clear over £40k of debt run up in joint names plus a £5k CCJ for unpaid rent.

Despite what various websites say about companies only being interested in the last 6-12 months, I couldn't get any more than a basic bank account for 6 years after I left. The CCJ had fallen off the record just after I left (they didn't apply to have it kept on there despite the fact that it wasn't paid) so this was all down to missed payments on loans, credit cards etc

All clear now, re-married and with a home of our own (50/50 deposit as well so managed to save that after paying off the £45k, I am the saving queen!), but it was a long haul.

A liar never changes OP, don't be me!

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Thanks for sharing Mutiny. Not many of those with similar experiences have reported a happy outcome. You've done so well to have got through that and to have saved too.

I've been reading up tonight about narcissism. Very surprised how many traits seem to marry up with him! Thinking he's above stuff, thinking he doesn't need to change, love bombing, lying, inability to hold a rational conversation, deflecting, making me doubt previous conversations.

I hadn't mentioned this until now as didn't want people's opinions to be unfairly skewed (ha!), but this week he went for an impromptu trip to the pub after he finished work on Tuesday, my first day at the new job which I had been really worried about. He didn't come home until 10.30, and hasn't spoken to me since because I was upset with him. Hence I've now done 4 days at my new job and he has no idea whether I love it or hate it, whether it's great or horrendous. I am finally starting to see this isn't a healthy relationship, as much more as I might think I love him.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Scratch the surface....

You know you need to get rid of him OP. Good luck

[tallwivglasses]

You gave him every chance to come clean and he didn't. He tried to gaslight you too. And he's going self-employed? Stay strong - you're doing the right thing

[stella23]

He's doing the old stone walking technique.

Sorry op it's shit, get rid if you can

[justilou1]

Sorry OP... there are so many of us who have walked in your shoes. Of course we want you to be happy. No matter how much you love this man, examine how much respect you have for him right now and see how that colours your feelings towards him. If he has his head in the sand of denial, it's not going to get easier....

[May50]

Sorry OP - you will be better off without him, and you won't be questioning yourself all the time. You have tried to discuss and he won't. He's not trying to solve the situation just head in the sand.

[Arsenicinthesugarbowl]

Sorry to hear it's not working out OP. its better to do it now rather than further down the line when you are liable for his debts if you marry. I'd bet that he's in a lot more debt than he's telling you too. The fact he's had the chance to tell you and been dismissive, dishonest and blaming of you speaks volumes. Anyone who had an ounce of regret would have come clean and been transparent about his the debt accumulated-how to pay it back and rebuild your trust. Instead he gaslights you and accuses you of treating him like a child!

[Piewraith]

A familiar story, my ex said he had past debt but that he had paid it all off and turned things around. Said he had no credit cards. He even lectured me on how I should be more financially responsible "like him". I own my own place and heaps of savings but according to him could be doing better.

He was lying of course, like your bf things came unstuck over time. I found statements and his card would be declined.

When after five years I finally said enough, show me your statements and credit report, he agreed but tried to get out of it for weeks with excuses like the banks website was down, printer out of ink, forgot his password.

He was £50 000 in debt. Just on nothing. He didn't own a car and lived with mum. He had even taken out a £5000 loan "for uni", he never went to uni and spent the cash on himself.

Don't fall for the fake tears. Get out now!

It's the lying and lack of responsibility that's the worst. My new partner earns half what I do, but it's fine because I completely trust him with the amount that he/we have.

[paq]

Yeah, you really have to end this relationship now. Get a 0% credit card or overdraft extension if you need to cover your bills for a month.

[Notevilstepmother]

Be thankful you found out early enough to not be responsible for his debts and maybe get over to the relationship board for some support with ending this?

I can just about understand lying out of shame and getting into debt through being silly, but gas lighting you is seriously abusive behaviour.

If he is gaslights you now, his behaviour will likely deteriorate once you are stuck with him.

Run for the hills. Much love and

[silkybear]

The good news is you have found out now before marriage or joint accounts. Most problems can be resolved by sitting down and discussing them like grown ups, the fact he cannot do this and come up with a plan to resolve it means there is no future with him. Good luck, i think you need to get rid asap, have a big glass of and create some space in your life for a better man who can deal with being an adult

[silkybear]

Ps I had an unexpected problem with my pay recently (company fucked up my mat pay) and the bank extended my overdraft for three months to cover it as an emergency measure. I'm sure you could do the same if you need to cover the gap this month.

[FaithAgain]

The more you say, the worse he sounds. Get yourself organised. Make a plan. Your DS may be upset but he will get over it in time. Your P's behaviour will cause you harm if you stay, far worse for your DS to see that.

[Motoko]

At least you've found out now, rather than further down the line when you're linked financially.

So, OP, how is the new job? Do the people you're working with seem nice? I hope so, some laughter and levity at work will help you get through the down times.