To insist to see his credit file?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Background, DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, cohabiting for 2.5 years.

He earns reasonable money, however when he moved into my house, I found demands from payday lenders shoved into the back of cupboards at his old place. He dismissed these and said they weren't my concern as they were incurred and paid off before we met. Fine, I left it at that.

Last year, a demand came to our house for an old outstanding debt of around £1.7k. AFAIK, he has ignored that completely.

We were going to speak to a mortgage advisor early this year. The night before the apppointment, he broke down and cried, worrying that his credit rating would mean we were unable to get a mortgage. This is the only time I've ever seen him cry. We didn't go to the appointment.

I have today found another demand for late payment, shoved into a drawer, from another company.

WIBU to sit him down tonight and insist he shows me his credit report? We don't have any joint finances, and we are not married but I can't see how we can have a future when his attitude to debt is to hide it like this. I could be being harsh though, as a previous boyfriend declared himself bankrupt whilst we were living together and I had no idea!

[EricaSeas]

He also needs to know that life with you will not be about bullsh1tting and pretending, but will be about honesty and practicality - that will be a good thing for him to understand before you make any more commitments to each other.

This.

[MoosicalDaisy]

An ex did this to me, added to it every time we moved too, hid the letters. He also said he sorted out the direct debits for water and other bills. After i kicked him out i found out that nothing had been set up, I was liable to pay for 6 months of utilities that hadn't been paid.

[pullingmyhairout1]

He is either going to have to come clean and stop sticking his head in the sand or you are going to have to kick him to the curb. When I divorced my first husband he had landed us 40k in debt without me knowing (loans/credit cards I didn't know about). I might over react because of how awful a situation he put me in but if I'm honest I'd leave. I couldn't live with the fear of fixing someone else's finances again. Massive red flags.

[peachgreen]

If you cohabit you're already financially associated unfortunately. You definitely need to know what's going on.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

If he is still taking out credit where is it going? Does he have a lot of expensive gadgets, bikes or similar? Does he gamble? Drink? Take drugs?

I would expect someone on a good income to have something to show for excess spending.

[FaithAgain]

YANBU to want to know exactly what position he is in, especially since it's all attached to your address with mortgage in your name. I suspect it's probably snowballing debt if he's ignoring it. Honestly, if he didn't open up and tell me the details and try to sort it out, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Luckily cohabitation does not give a financial association. We have no joint account, no bills in both names etc.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

If you cohabit you're already financially associated unfortunately

Not if they don't have any joint accounts they aren't. The OP owns her house in her name only, they aren't married and she doesn't mention any joint accounts. You need a mortgage, joint account or other financial product in joint names to create a financial association.

[peachgreen]

Duh, sorry - I automatically assumed you'd have joint bills / account! My error.

[Iheartnewyork]

I've been where you are . When I found out my dp (now DH) had thousands of pounds worth of debt, I already had a financial link to him (joint account, bills etc).

I was so angry that I was being put in that position. I demanded to know everything & then we worked out what we were going to do. I did lend him a lot of money (it's all paid back now!) & he cut up credit cards & I sort all the bills etc out.

I have him a chance, ONE chance to sort it all out & never get into that position again.

He's now great with money & now actually likes having money left at the end of the month.

I think he just got too far in, & couldn't see a way out so just buried his head in the sand ,

Obviously I'm not saying that you should bail him out, just trying to say people can change with their attitudes to money.

My DH moaned that bin bags cost £2 the other day, he never used to look at the cost of anything!!!

[Motoko]

I'd also ask to see his bank statements. That will show you where he's spending his money. The Paypal credit is indeed a new thing. I have Paypal and it's only been in the last year or so that they've been offering credit facilities.

If you want to stay with him and help him, you should only give him one chance to sort this out. If he takes out any more credit, you should end things. Also, don't get married until he's shown for several years that his spending habits have changed, otherwise you could lose your house.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

I think all his bank statements are now electronic - I can only find some from 2 years ago. The spending on those seems to just be day to day stuff - train tickets, eating out, Starbucks, after work drinks, plus some direct debits for stuff which I'm pretty sure he doesn't use. Nothing out of the ordinary.

The PayPal credit letter from November 2016 shows a balance of £800. So if it only launched in the last year, looks like he racked that up quite fast and I've no idea what on.

[AboutAGallonofDietCoke]

Do it. You have to!
This stuff says a lot about the person, my ex husband was like this. He would lie and lie and lie, never respond to official letters, bailiffs the lot.
Turned out he had a secret kid too.....

Oh and LTB

[Viviennemary]

I'm too much of a worrier to get financially entangled with somebody with all those money problems. You don't want to set yourself up for a lifetime of not knowing what debt he's getting into. He has been secretive and you won't know whether he still has more debts or will take on more loans.

You say he's planning to go self-employed. Not a good idea for somebody who is hopeless with money. I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. But you could give it a bit longer and see what happens. But don't enter into any mortgage or other financial transaction with him.

[PollyFlint]

The PayPal credit letter from November 2016 shows a balance of £800. So if it only launched in the last year, looks like he racked that up quite fast and I've no idea what on

Either he's robbing Peter to pay Paul and taking out more credit to pay off old debts, or he is mysteriously spending a lot of money on a habit you don't know about.

Do you think he might have a gambling addiction? Or has he ever shown signs of using cocaine?

Either way, YANBU to want to get to the bottom of this. He is probably living in a constant state of worry and fear over this and if your relationship is to have a future (particularly if you're thinking of buying a place together) you definitely, definitely need to know exactly what the situation is with his finances, for both your sakes.

[ChangeroOfNamero]

I think it's just irresponsible spending, maybe combined with firefighting other debt payments which I don't know about.

100% not drugs, not sure about gambling but I guess it could be. There were no gambling transactions on his statements as far as I could see.

He bought me a coin last week from the Royal Mint because I mentioned that I liked them - just looked it up and it was £60! For a 50 pence piece! I'm going to ask him gently to send it back, when we have our conversation about all this. I think it's that sort of thing which is more typical of where the issue has come from, could well be wrong though.

[BarbaraofSevillle]

Don't send the coin back without checking what it's worth on ebay. Is it the Kew Gardens one?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Sorry to be another voice of doom but this is really a massive red flag.

You MIGHT be able to take a hard line here and successfully sort out a nice dependable guy who's just made some shitty decisions and all will be ok.

You are far more likely to be seeing the thin end of a wedge with a financially incontinent bloke who lies to keep the peace and will end up being your biggest regret in life.

2.5 years in, I would advise you to walk away.

[PollyFlint]

Good luck, ChangeOfNamero. If it helps, I was the financial fuck-up in my relationship - a combination of starting out my career in London on barely more than minimum wage, leaving an abusive relationship with nothing and having to fend for myself with my ex still owing me thousands, and latterly, irresponsible spending, had left me in the shit with a terrible credit rating. But my very understanding, ultra-sensible DP and I were able to work out ways of sorting out my debts over time (it took a while) and living in a way that didn't link me with him financially.

A few years on, we now have a mortgage together on a nice house, my credit rating is fine and although I still have a credit card, it's a perfectly normal and manageable balance that I watch like a hawk. DP does most of the financial stuff but obviously in a completely transparent way. So these are problems that can be worked out.

[Trills]

I absolutely would not want to be with someone who had this sort of attitude to money.

The more entangled you become, the more it will affect you.

[Geordie007]

Too many questions and not enough answers
How old are the debts?
How much does he owe?
Why has he racked up the debt, is he gambling, or drinking champagne on a babycham budget?
Most importantly
Why can't he be honest with you?
The last one is the most important question

[HeebieJeebies456]

so he only admitted this when he knew he was going to get found out anyway?

you need to look at the online statements and see where the money is going.....he could be gambling, be addicted to spending on frivolous stuff or just isn't bothered about paying it back.

whatever the 'reason' is, it shows how shit at managing his finances, repaying loans and avoiding taking personal responsibility.
This is on a high salary as an employee

So how is going self employed a good idea?
His income will be low/if any to begin with at least, so i take it you will taking on his share of bills etc to 'support' his bright idea?

[maras2]

Poor credit rating plus him soon to be self employed is going to affect your mortgage chances.
Check his noddle and Experian accounts ASAP and dissuade him from packing in his well paid job for self employment.

[ImperialBlether]

I would get out of this relationship, OP.

He's completely unwilling to do anything about this problem. If you buy a house together, it will become your problem. It will anyway, because his debts mean you will have to subsidise him.

Just a word of warning - I've read so many threads on MN like this and the men ALWAYS want to be self-employed. When someone is broke and in debt with a regular wage coming in, it's very unlikely they'll suddenly be rich if they were self-employed. Think of tax bills - do you really think he'd put money aside for that?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

He refuses to show me his credit report. I should trust him apparently: he's "not a child".

Says it's limited to £3k on credit cards, £400 to PayPal Credit, and insists the old debts aren't on his credit report so to his mind they don't matter and are irrelevant.

He says he doesn't think they're a problem. I don't know what to do