To insist to see his credit file?

[ChangeroOfNamero]

Background, DP and I have been together for just over 3 years, cohabiting for 2.5 years.

He earns reasonable money, however when he moved into my house, I found demands from payday lenders shoved into the back of cupboards at his old place. He dismissed these and said they weren't my concern as they were incurred and paid off before we met. Fine, I left it at that.

Last year, a demand came to our house for an old outstanding debt of around £1.7k. AFAIK, he has ignored that completely.

We were going to speak to a mortgage advisor early this year. The night before the apppointment, he broke down and cried, worrying that his credit rating would mean we were unable to get a mortgage. This is the only time I've ever seen him cry. We didn't go to the appointment.

I have today found another demand for late payment, shoved into a drawer, from another company.

WIBU to sit him down tonight and insist he shows me his credit report? We don't have any joint finances, and we are not married but I can't see how we can have a future when his attitude to debt is to hide it like this. I could be being harsh though, as a previous boyfriend declared himself bankrupt whilst we were living together and I had no idea!

"He refuses to show me his credit report. I should trust him apparently: he's "not a child". In his view, he hasn't lied."

He has certainly been evasive. He has behaved childishly. His answer would be fine if you'd been going out a few months, but you've been together years and you live together.

Either he wants an honest, open, adult partnership or he doesn't. It's a fucking credit report, you ought to be on more intimate terms than that by now. If he doesn't are you willing to never share finances and never fully share your lives?

I suppose that might work, to each their own.

In his view he doesn't think he has to pay back debts either. Perhaps his judgment is questionable??
It comes down to trust for me - I couldn't (and don't) trust anyone who's lied to me. And you know he's lied to you, and only came clean when his hand was forced with the mortgage appointment.
This would be a deal breaker for me - not because of the debt - because of the lies.

Does he have access to any money at work op? Is he really thinking of going self-employed or is he having to leave?

Changero- I think you have fundamentally opposing views of money. My exP would also like yours buy a 'treat' if he had £50 in his pocket - such as an item of clothing for him, a takeaway , flowers for me etc. He could not understand that he had to pay the basics first, bills/ debts before any treats. He was such a child in that respect and he really didn't get that he was in effect using my money to pay these things as he wasn't contributing to the household pot. As much as I like flowers if the money isn't there i really resented receiving them as that £10 could be better spent say against the electric.

I also think your partner probably has more debts than he's admitting to. More would pop out of the woodwork for my exP as we went along. But he would just ignore them.

Whatever you do, never take out a joint mortgage with him as if will come back to bite you. Protect your assets. I am so glad in hindsight that we never took out a joint mortgage (that was the plan originally)

No way would I take out a joint financial product with someone unwilling to show me their credit file. Any black marks will affect your credit rating so could cause difficulties and extra expense for years to come.

I checked his file without his permission. Instead of the £3400 across three accounts which he admitted to, he's actually got £10,500 across six credit accounts.

I'm in total shock. These have all been opened in the last 3 years, since we've been together.

No idea where to go from here.

Run like the wind, he's a deceitful so-and-so and you can't trust him to change.

Sorry you are going through this.

Absolutely run. This kind of thing does not get better UNLESS he wants to change, and lying/ignoring payment demands/tantrums when being asked to own up to it are all signs he has no desire to change.

Ach, I'm sorry OP. As ever with these debt threads, it's not so much the debt - which is a practical obstacle that could be overcome if you wanted it to be and he was committed to doing so - but the deceit. I could never trust someone again who lied to me so deliberately and in such a damaging way. He had an opportunity to tell all and find a solution together. He blew it.

That's spot on. The debt in itself is not something I would have ended the relationship over! I have been in debt, I still am. But mine is managed, at 0%, and with a plan to pay off.

If he had come clean on Friday, shown that he wanted to get out of it, and been honest and willing to make changes in order to pay it off, that would have been fine.

But he's lied. Accused me of not trusting him. Tried to cover it up. And doesn't seem to want to deal with it. How can you help someone that doesn't want to be helped?

I don't even feel able to confront him tonight; I start a new job tomorrow and I'm so anxious about that, I can't deal with this as well right now. I'm bloody gutted.

do you want to be with someone who tells you bare faced lies?
do you want to be with someone who tries to manipulate you into funding their lifestyle?
do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about putting you at financial risk?

@ChangeroOfNamero sorry this is all happening at such a stressful time.

Start your new job. Concentrate on that and revisit this in a week or two when you have more head space.

But I think you have some bi thinking to do about the relationship.

He's a liar

And he has no respect for you to lie for your whole relationship. I couldn't be wth someone who did this.

Please please think very carefully - my ex was like it and I ended up having to give him 127000 - we were married though but the house was mine before I met him and he never paid a bill - he was also self employed - the first time I bailed him out he promised he would never do it again (before we married), second time I bailed him out and he promised he would never do it again, third time - told him where to go. I list my home and had to downsize but I was SO relieved to leave the worry behind - really feel for you as mine was a lovely person apart from that - I'm now with someone who is the exact opposite and it is bliss.

Are you going to be able to not confront him when you see him? I don't know if I could keep it in, I would be so angry about the lying!

Do you know what he's spent this money on? Does he make stupid purchases?

I'm sorry, but he has lied and withheld important information from you. I'd be calling it a day.

Blimey, Changero, you must be feeling proper shocked.

People lie out of shame and embarrassment sometimes. If I was minded to give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd tell him that he had nothing to be ashamed of but that if the relationship is to succeed, you need full & frank disclosure of his financial position. After all, you can't plan a future together without knowing the full picture.

And often it's shame and embarrassment that make people seem like they don't want to be helped. Showing them how things can all come unravelled if they don't get stuff sorted can sometimes be enough motivation to get to things sorted out.

To overspend by £10k in 3 years is a bit shocking, but I have a client who's done that in just a year. The key to stopping it is to find out what the money is going on, and then set up a realistic budget plan. He needs to be really open and upfront about what is going on.

If he wants to get his finances on a sound footing, he'll have to decide whether to cut back massively and clear the debts gradually or do something more drastic, like a debt relief order, and live with having a bad credit rating for the next few years.

Good luck.

I hope he has only lied out of shame, but who knows?!

It's all a bit raw but my plan is to sit him down at the weekend, tell him I know. Tell him I'm prepared to carry on but only if I've got full sight of all statements so I know where it's come from. If it's gambling or something other then stupid frivolous spending then I'd have to walk away. I can't risk this happening again in the future. If it's just stupid thoughtless spending without a budget, AND he wants to sort it, AND will let me help him do a budget, AND he sticks to it, then perhaps we can find a way out of this bloody mess.

I know what I'd be saying if another poster was writing this though It's just so hard when you're in it and it's your own life.

It is hard Changero when you're in it yourself - it tool me nearly a decade of much soul searching, worrying, to-ing and fro-ing, trying to make exP into a responsible adult, but he was not going to change from a manchild/cocklodger - and that was all too clear.
He was a 'lovely' laid back guy though, no malice whatsoever, and that made the decision all the more difficult. I'm still angry at him I suppose that he was happy to throw everything away just because he wasn't prepared to have any responsibility. (I still receive no maintenance, and never will - he is self-employed and earns practically zilch)

I feel sick to my stomach today. Pretending everything is normal, passed it off as extreme new job nerves.

I think what's getting to me most is that I know that^^ when I confront him he's going to refuse to let me see his statements. He's going to be incandescent that I checked his credit file. He's not going to want to cut back or make a plan or let me be involved in sorting it.

And then I'm going to have to end it because of those things. To make things worse, I don't get paid for a month. If he goes, I can't pay next month's bills. This is utterly, utterly, shit.

Oh god, OP... I feel you. I met my husband in the last few months of paying off what I refer to as "Sexually Transmitted Debt". My ex and his born-again God-bothering girlfriend cooked up a heap of small credit card debts in my name, which I didn't find out about until I was receiving phone calls from creditors. It was cheaper to pay them than to prove they had been fraudulently cooked up. My husband was so brilliant helping me pay out the last of the debts and then clearing my credit file. (Australia, early 90's. Things are a bit more technical now and identity fraud is taken much more seriously. In theory I could still have them charged, but I am so much happier with my honest grownup man, I couldn't be arsed.)

So it's triple what he admitted to?! See, I still don't think he has the right to be arsey with you about you checking his credit file. If he had been honest, you wouldn't have needed to. Now you have prove he is lying! I don't think I could wait too much longer to confront him.

Good luck with the new job. Hope you have a good day.

No idea where to go from here.

It's blindingly obvious where anyone with any bloody sense would go.

Tell him I'm prepared to carry on but only if I've got full sight of all statements...

AAAAARGH!!! You WON'T ever have the faintest clue of this financially incontinent LIAR'S bank accounts, debts or anything else. Because he's a LIAR.

I think what's getting to me most is that I know that^^ when I confront him he's going to refuse to let me see his statements. He's going to be incandescent that I checked his credit file. He's not going to want to cut back or make a plan or let me be involved in sorting it.
And then I'm going to have to end it because of those things.

No, you are going to end it - in truth - because he is a liar. The 'helping him sort it' - the whole point is that he has no interest in 'sorting' anything. Doesn't see it as a problem that needs to be sorted. This is essentially the problem with people like this. THEY THINK ABOUT IT DIFFERENTLY. They never control it. They go bankrupt, they lose houses, they see their dependants go through hell, they see their children go without. And they don't sort it.

STOP NOW.

If the bills are a problem, take a month to get yourself sorted (and paid) before you confront him.

You can do this. You know that you don't want this shitstorm of a life. Dump this twat now.

Can you tell him you've booked a mortgage meeting and tell him you need all his statements and debtsto discuss