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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay friend back?

354 replies

Forevergazingupwards · 17/08/2017 18:58

Going through a bad break up and asked to see friend but she was busy that night and invited me to go with her to London the following weekend to visit a mutual friend.

I asked her about train tickets and at the end of the week she bought and paid for us both.

The night before my grandma died and so I didn't go. Now a month later and friend is chasing up the money for the train ticket. I don't think I should have to pay, aibu?

OP posts:
HappyAxolotl · 17/08/2017 22:01

"She should have claimed for the unused ticket, then she would only have been £10 out of pocket(fee), which morally is down to you."

I was going to ask if the train companies still did the refund all but £10.

As for letting you off the cost because of your grief, that's the kind of thing I'd probably do for a best friend IF I could afford to do it. Short-notice weekend travel train tickets certainly aren't cheap and maybe your friend can't afford to take the hit. Nor should she be expected to. Doing something out of kindness is one thing, being left skint because someone feels entitled to not pay what they owe is quite another.

Your friend has been kind by giving you a month's grace while you were mourning but now you need to arrange a refund, pay her in full or agree installments and stick to them.

SuperBeagle · 17/08/2017 22:03

Don't be absurd. Your grandmother passing has nothing to do with your obligation to pay your friend back the money she spent on a ticket for you. That's a red herring. Nothing to do with "having a shit time". Don't use someone's death as a reason to leave someone else out of pocket unnecessarily.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/08/2017 22:04

You sound pretty entitled. You say you 'asked' to see her and she was busy, as if that's somehow relevant? How? She's meant to be at your beck and call? I find that really peculiar. I've good friends who've seen me through bad times, but I can't think myself into your mindset.

MudCity · 17/08/2017 22:07

This friendship isn't going to flourish is it?

I actually cooled a friendship in a similar situation, probably for a lot less money than your train ticket.

I felt my friend had shown her true colours by not paying me back...it was like saying that her needs were much more important than mine. I considered that to be very entitled behaviour and the sort of attitude I didn't want in a friend. I certainly would not have lent her money again, or paid for anything in advance.

It marked the end of a friendship.

Magicnumbers · 17/08/2017 22:10

Not convinced it's a reverse. The dripped excuses are one clue...and I actually knew someone like this. Used to borrow money off people, spend it on going out and getting drunk, then when people would ask for their money back she'd complain that people didn't appreciate how tough her life was (when actually she was incredibly privileged).

OP, you have your answer. Pretty sure this is just about being a bit skint, isn't it? If you didn't know deep down that the decent thing to do was to cough up, you really need to think hard about your moral compass, cos it's not right.

user1493059174 · 17/08/2017 22:20

Why do you think you shouldn't pay? Sorry to hear about your Grandma, but that is not the point

KarateKitten · 17/08/2017 22:22

Of course you pay her for your ticket!

frieda909 · 17/08/2017 22:22

If I could afford to then I'd love to think that I'd say to a friend 'don't worry about paying me back' in that situation. But I'd have to be considerably better off than I am now. And I'd be quite pissed off if my friend got stroppy at the suggestion that she might pay me back.

It sounds like she may have left it this long out of consideration for what you've been going through. She may have been feeling really awkward about it and hoping you'd bring it up so that she wouldn't have to.

I know things have been shit for you but as others have said, please recognise that other people also have things going on too. She's probably already feeling awkward about bringing it up. Don't make it any more awkward than it has to be!

tiredvommachine · 17/08/2017 22:23

clarehhh · 17/08/2017 22:23

Of course your sad loss meant you cancelled why should she be out of pocket?

FloweryTeapot · 17/08/2017 22:23

She shouldn't have had to ask you for it!

This.

She wasted her own money on a ticket she couldn't use, why should she have to waste money on both!? I feel very sorry for OPs loss, but you really can't leave other people out of pocket on your behalf.
I would pay up immediately and not leave my friend wondering how to ask....

OxfordshireLass · 17/08/2017 22:32

I think that it depends on whether you agreed that she would get the tickets in advance (in which case, you should repay) or if she got the, in advance without asking thinking that it would save a bit of money (in which case, no you shouldn't).

If I had bought the tickets and could afford not to claim the cash back I probably wouldn't in that situation but not everybody can spare the cash.

Sorry for your loss by the way.

glitterlips1 · 17/08/2017 22:32

Of course you have to pay her back!

Level75 · 17/08/2017 22:37

What's this reverse that people keep talking about?

mumtri · 17/08/2017 22:39

so the reverse has been called out - so what next OP?

you could start a text conversation and then screenshot and upload it, if you get it to go viral you could make money from that too

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 17/08/2017 22:39

I really wanna know the price of this ticket.

When would have been an acceptable time for her to ask to be reimbursed?

GrandDesespoir · 17/08/2017 22:39

Your friend shouldn't lose out because she made the effort to suggest a trip and to book the tickets for both of you. She probably felt really awkward reminding you about paying her back - don't make her have to ask you again!

Gemini69 · 17/08/2017 22:39

OP's got a brass neck x

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 17/08/2017 22:40

mumtri they haven't admitted it is a reverse have they? Or have I missed that bit?

FloweryTeapot · 17/08/2017 22:40

I can't understand why she didn't claim a refund though

If it was an advance ticket (which it sounds like it was) it's non-refundable.

ButtHoleinOne · 17/08/2017 22:43

Of course you should pay. This is a really confusing OP and I'm not sure why you think a friend is responsible for paying your ticket when she did you a favour.

AfunaMbatata · 17/08/2017 22:45

I think it's odd to be so upset about a grandparent dying , I mean, don't you expect it ffs?!

Pay her the money, don't be a thieving cow.

ButtHoleinOne · 17/08/2017 22:47

think it's odd to be so upset about a grandparent dying , I mean, don't you expect it ffs?!

Confused
mumtri · 17/08/2017 22:51

no - but many have and the intermittent updates confirm it for me

SparklyUnicornPoo · 17/08/2017 22:54

You need to pay her back because she asked.

Whether a good friend would let it slide rather depends on how far/expensive London is from where you are. I mean from here it's less than £10, I'd probably let that go but I know for my best mate to come down its over £100, I couldn't afford not to ask for that whatever the circumstances.