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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man on the train

318 replies

HunterHearstHelmsley · 17/08/2017 15:46

I was travelling to work this morning on the train. All table seats and I like to sit in the aisle seat, I feel a bit trapped if I'm by the window. I had my handbag on my lap so the window seat was free.

A man got on and grunted at me and pointed at the seat. I tried to stand so I could get out and he could take the wondow seat. He said he was getting off in three stops so he'd sit in the aisle, I said so was I and tried to move out again. He was really insistent that I should sit by the window. After about a minutes debate and me saying that I just didn't want to sit in the window seat he shouted 'for fucks sake' and stormed off to another part of the train.

I didn't think I was being unreasonable at all. But starting to wonder a bit as the day goes on!

OP posts:
VisitorFromAlphaStation · 17/08/2017 17:50

That guy was obviously even more panicky than you about sitting in the aisle seat and not by the window! Grin

I bet he went to find another aisle seat, and then sat there fuming (without proper cause) for the entire journey.

martiniwini · 17/08/2017 17:51

I have the amazing ability to turn my charm on and off, as and when necessary. Some dickhead trying to force me to sit in a seat? No charm offensive required. Smile

Scoobydoobydont · 17/08/2017 17:51

I can't believe there are people making out that this is to do with the person seated be female and the person wanting a seat being male.

He didn't want to squeeze past and then do the same again to get off soo after.

The way he behaved has fuck all to do with the sex of the two people involved.

Jesus Christ get a life people and stop assuming you are always being hard done to because you are female.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 17:52

jet just for the record, I get you, and that story, and the every day sexism it demonstrates, definitely resonate with me.

I'm sure given half an hour we could find all sorts of legit academic studies that would demonstrate the same thing, so not sure why people are so disbelieving of it. Do they not think male privilege exists?

It's not about women being polite or men being impolite (although this man clearly was) it is about, in broad strokes (not every man in every interaction with every women), an expectation that women will accommodate mens' needs.

Ceto · 17/08/2017 17:52

Why do people insist on talking about making this man "clamber" over when OP makes it quite clear that that's not what she expected?

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 17:53

Also, these were table seats so if they are like the tables seats in London commuter trains, not that much of a squeeze.

And he didn't have to squeeze because she was getting up for him and was getting off at the same stop.

good grief.

Craigie · 17/08/2017 17:55

You weren't unreasonable at all. I never sit by the window either. He was being a cock.

BluePheasant · 17/08/2017 17:56

For all he knew, the OP could be claustrophobic. She offered the seat next to her but that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted the convienence of sitting in the aisle and she was there first. It might have been annoying to him but to keep on insisting and then throw a strop about it because he didn't get his own way is hardly normal behaviour.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 17:56

@Pop

The other day as I was walking up the stairs to my station I was asked for directions by another lady. I momentarily occupied too much space whilst trying to help her, so the charming lady trying to get past swore and tutted at me.. Really this is a function of commuting not sexism - not saying that it exists but that it really is so one dimensional that all interactions between the two sexes are reduced to this.

grannytomine · 17/08/2017 17:57

He was being unreasonable but I have to say a woman tried exactly the same thing with me a couple of weeks ago. I wouldn't move and she insisted she couldn't sit in the window seat. I offered to let her come past me twice but she refused and then wouldn't move. Her final insult was to turn her back to me and bend over so I had her backside almost in my face. Eventually she moved. I don't think it was anything to do with him being a man, women can be entitled as well.

Timeywimey8 · 17/08/2017 17:58

Not RTFT but I've been your bloke.

About a decade ago I had a 10 minute commute to work. Still wanted to sit down. Asked guy to move to window seat so I could have aisle seat. he refused. I explained I was getting off in 10 minutes. Still refused even though he was going further. I didn't swear, but I did decide to stand up instead.

But I think generally it's first come first served. You can ask for the seat you prefer but if the other person got it first, tough. I generally prefer the aisle seat.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 17:58

@BluePheasant

He could be claustrophobic and his claustrophobia could be far worse than her's!! There are so many variables that its just pointless to try and use these arguments. Its just about overall consideration.

StormTreader · 17/08/2017 17:59

I'm trying to think of a single example of where I've travelled on public transport and my polite "hi, can I sit there?" (I'm not afraid to ask for empty blocked seats at all) was met with the seated person moving over rather than getting up to give me the window seat, I cant think of a single one. And I've travelled on trains a LOT for work and social events.

As far as I'm aware, the normal established protocol that I've personally encountered and expect is that people stay in the seat that they're in and later people take the seats that are left.

bbcessex · 17/08/2017 17:59

Can't believe anyone would think you are being unreasonable, OP!

Why on any planet should you give up a non-reserved seat just because someone else prefers it over the available one? Shock

formerbabe · 17/08/2017 18:00

I don't think it was anything to do with him being a man, women can be entitled as well

As you were.

StormTreader · 17/08/2017 18:02

"As you were."

It's not entitled to not give up something you want and have for no other reason than because some other random person has decided they want it!

Marinade · 17/08/2017 18:02

@StormTreader

The point is that I am sick of 'asking' for the privilege of clambering over people's legs to squash myself into a seat when I could just sit down calmly if the aisle seat hoggers just shuffled up. Then we would have equal parity. I would be even more annoyed if the seats of four had a table. Just move up for goodness sake!

formerbabe · 17/08/2017 18:04

Well it's entitled behaviour to block an available seat and only relinquish it upon request.

Marinade · 17/08/2017 18:04

@former

I agree. It is so blatantly selfish and it happens continually.

bbcessex · 17/08/2017 18:09

I'm really surprised. Why do people think someone in the aisle is 'blocking?'

I commute for 1hr 20mins 3 or 4 days a week, on trains that are configured as a four with a table.

I always prefer a forward facing window seat so consider it a minor (major!) win if I get it.. I never, ever consider the aisle person as blocking it if there first... completely normal behaviour for me to say 'excuse me' and them to move out to let me in.

No way in a million years would any of my fellow commuters stand and let a free seat go empty...

maxthemartian · 17/08/2017 18:09

He may have been more claustrophobic than her but he had no way of knowing if she was or not.
I am, so I wouldn't give up my aisle seat. However not would I demand anyone else's, I would simply stand if necessary as I'm not an entitled brat.

serialtester · 17/08/2017 18:10

If you're sitting in an aisle seat and the window seat is free, if the train is busy and someone needs a seat you just move across and free up the outside seat. It's common sense and not a feminist cause.

Unless obviously you have booked and paid for an aisle seat.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/08/2017 18:11

@marinade

please see my post where I state that not every interaction will fall into this category but, that while commuter rage exists so does male privilege and it goes a long way towards explaining why a man would expect a woman to give up a seat for him/take the less desirable seat.

When I was at the gate at work the other day I typed in the wrong code thus holding up the man behind me literally 4 seconds and he tutted at me, so can that cancel out your experience?

maxthemartian · 17/08/2017 18:11

You may, serial, I would stand up and let them take the window seat.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/08/2017 18:13

It's not "blocking" to be sat by the aisle, it's just sitting in your chosen place. If someone wants the window seat they can ask, it's not an imposition to expect them to do so. It's perfectly polite to stand up and give them room to sit down. If they want an aisle seat they need to find a free one, or someone who does them a favour and doesn't mind moving. They shouldn't expect the person to vacate their seat because they've demanded it.

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