Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

Next time a visit crops up, nicely tell your son that you can't afford the petrol, and can he collect your youngest.

When Christmas rears its head, nicely and firmly tell your son that you can't afford to host everybody this year, and perhaps he could chip in 25% of the cost, or consider hosting it himself. If he hums and haws and says vaguely "yeah of course we'll contribute - we'll bring XYZ" unless it's all the alcohol and the turkey, tell him an exact figure (£80) and tell him that you'll remind him you need it in mid-December, otherwise they'll turn up with some mashed potatoes and a bag of sprouts and think they're saints.

You can't help that your DIL doesn't like you, and without more info we can't imagine the backstory, but flatly refusing to make a cup of tea (never mind the fact that it wasn't proffered as soon as you arrived, which is WTF in itself) and HIDING in her room like a sulky teen, is just plain rude, and you don't have to actively put yourself in her company again if you don't want to.

Don't make it into a martyred thing, just state the facts kindly and firmly. Put the ball in your son's court from now on.

How bizarre that she hid in the bedroom! I absolutely understand why you'd be upset and offended but honestly I'm not sure there's anything you can do without making the situation worse. I wouldn't rock the boat too much by confronting the issue too much because if she's as hostile as you say, you could end up losing contact with your son and grandchild. It's not fair but that's the way it is.

Do you have any idea what's caused the issue though? I'm not saying it's you - and obviously you do get on well with your other children's partners but there surely must be some backstory? Sometimes you get people that are totally irrational and nasty but usually there is some kind of trigger. It might be worth thinking about that just in case there is anything you could do to improve things on your end.

Other than that, I would maybe approach a couple of situations differently e.g. Maybe next time offer to put the kettle on and make tea for everyone? Not that you should have to because you should be offered a cup of tea but maybe (and I'm reaching here) there was something about the way you asked that offended her?

At Christmas I think it would be normal for guests to contribute something, could you just ask in advance for them to bring the pudding or crackers or similar? That way you won't feel taken advantage of. You shouldn't be overstretching yourself on a tight budget if they aren't contributing. Alternatively you could have a year off this year - get someone else to host or even go away for a few days if you'd enjoy that, perhaps with a friend?

Apart from that, you may find it helpful to back off for a little while to let things settle, as difficult as I'm sure that is.

I don't understand the 'cup of tea' thing. I think it's a bit rude to come to someone's house and ask for food/drink. My family know where the kettle/cuboards are. Yes I would probably offer first, but that's up to your son not her, as is maintaining a relationship with his brother. As for Xmas, I'm not sure why you haven't made it clear it's a 'all chip in' event, rather than you just hosting. Are they short of money themselves? It's rude to turn up with nothing (no presents either?) but they may either be really skint, or the type of people who need things spelling out to them. Again though, this is more up to your son than her, he's your family not her.

Can you think of any reason she may not get along with you? Seven years is a long time to be with someone and not pick up why that person doesn't like someone in their family. Surely there must be a reason for it.

As your youngest is now 11, just tell your DS is unavailable especially as he no longer wants to go. He is having to stay in a house with someone not being nice, he should not be made to do this out of politeness.

Thankyou for your replies. There's no back story as such, she's always been like it. About 5 years ago she called social services on me because my youngest fell off the sofa when at his dad's and she decided that I needed parenting lessons! There was domestic violence with his dad and he doesn't see him anymore, but she didn't tell me until a got a visit from a social worker ( no further action was taken) and she confessed. I was fuming,but it was xmas eve so it got swept under the carpet and was never referred to again. I've just spoken to my other son who is of the opinion that she just wants my son to herself and she sees me as a threat, hence the moving away.
I take on board what you say about backing off, it would serve no purpose to cause a row, but I feel like I've lost my son. I know he's an adult and has his own little life, but I'm really hurt.

does your son not think to make you a cup of tea either?

Stop inviting them for Christmas too.

By the way, I have asked them to chip in for xmas in the past. I was given £10. They earn 4 figure salaries, much more than the rest of us, but they're not against eating everything. They have no children.

My son does. I'm only going on about that because I'd had a long drive. I don't feel comfortable helping myself in their home.

does your son not think to make you a cup of tea either?

Yes, this. Why is it all down to her?

My son does.

OK, and then what? She says 'No, we've got stuff to do.'? And then how does it go?

It's her that causes the problems. Not welcoming, hiding away & being downright rude.

My sister in law is like that.

Except she alao expects my mum and dad to drop everything to help her out.

She even called my disabled mum once and asked her mum to go to the supermarket and get her some things because she fancied baking. Sil was abled bodied, has a car and lived ckoser to the supermarket.

When mum said no, she kicked off.

Some people are just the way they are. They need to contribute to christmas and if they want your son to visit they need to meet half way.

Don't get into it with her. Dont let it impact your relationship with your son.

Sapphire - it's really awkward. I just grab my son and his stuff and go.

Thanks gorgo, I'm glad it's not just me!

You've just driven 2 hours, the least you should be offered is a cup of tea. I would ask too...it's not rude to ask a family member to stick the kettle on.

She sounds like a complete dick! I'd give up on her.

Do what pp says - can't afford petrol, come pick him up. Do not have her for dinner.

They are taking the piss and your son is enabling this awful behavior

I ended up NC with my brother (still am) because his wife was off her rocker and he allowed her nasty behaviour, they have 4 kids too that I don't see. Life's too short

Sorry if I haven't been reading your posts properly - I thought they had children and didn't realise that you have under 18s still living at home. The social services thing does indicate quite a backstory though. Did she actually say she wanted to teach you a parenting lesson? What came of it? And what was the domestic violence? Apologies if I'm asking too many questions but a social service referral is quite a big drop feed...

Not saying that she doesn't sound awful though btw!

Whilst I can understand that having SS come around must have been horrible, if she was concerned about the domestic abuse aspect then ultimately she must have just been worried about his welfare? Do you think she did it purely to be spiteful? It does also read as underneath what you're saying, you're a bit cross/upset that they've moved away, do you believe that choice was purely down to her? 'Wanting him to herself' is quite an odd thing to say, do you really believe she's doing everything in her power to keep him away, or is it he wanted to break away but actually lets her 'take the blame'? Calling it 'his own little life' suggests you still somewhat see him as young - he's in his 30s, has a long term partner and a child, that's not a 'little life'. Did you used to be one of these families that were 'always round at mums' and that's now changed?

Xpost, sorry I thought I read they had a child, my apologies.

I'm still fuming about the tea

OP. Don't go there anymore. Tell them if you want to do xmas at mine everyone needs to put in (give a figure) this much. Let them come to you. Trying way too hard for someone that clearly doesn't want you around. TBH it's your ds that needs to sort this out. Not you.

No wonder you are hurt.

it all seems really odd. I think some women ARE threatened by their partner's mothers for some biological reason that I don't claim to understand.

And conversely, I think mothers of sons are biologically programmed to go a bit tigermama when their sons form a serious relationship, especially if that relationship takes the son away or means that access to the son is not as free and easy as it once was.

I am not suggesting for a second that you have done anything deliberately untoward regarding this woman, but I do wonder if you are subconsciously giving out signals to her which are causing her to react the way she does. Is it worth thinking about whether that might be the case?

Also, the stuff regarding SS is frankly barking mad, and I think that you made mistake by brushing it under the carpet, although I can understand why you did.

In terms of what to do next, whatever you do, think about what you want to achieve as your main objective.

I am guessing that your main aim is to keep your relationship with your son on good terms. I would try to block out her behaviour, her sulking, her absences from visits, the lack of cups of tea, and focus on trying to facilitate a loving friendly atmosphere between you and your DS. Again, while xmas would piss me off, I think it's an ancillary issue here. Money < your son.

Unless your DS has the skin of a rhino, he will be well aware that there is a major issue here, and for whatever reason he is not open to confronting it and discussing it with you right now. Until such a time comes that you are able to speak constructively about it with him, I would bite your tongue and just continue to be there for him as his mum. While this seems unfair, my worry is that if you step up your behaviour or employ tactics, you will be playing into his partner's hands. She perhaps hopes that she can just ignore you/ be difficult and one day you'll get fed up and stop visiting. Don't do that.

My SIL is similar. My ILs are lovely people, generally keep themselves to themselves but are kind, generous people. We don't always agree on everything but we get on. My DH's brother's wife is bizarre. She is rude to everyone including my ILs and her own parents. She has no manners or social skills at all and everyone comes away wondering what the hell they did to annoy her. It took me years to realise she's just a miserable, selfish cow.

Could it be mental health? My MIL massively increases my anxiety (she's a wonderful woman, but very full-on) and I've taken timeouts from her on a regular basis, admittedly without hiding the fact I'm actually there. I know she doesn't fully understand, but I try to make it clear it's a problem with me, not her. Your DS might feel trapped between his wife's mental wellbeing and his mother's feelings, and chooses the former. I think he needs to support you a bit more (like making you a cup of tea and understanding the financial burdens you're taking on for him!) but it feels as though there's more going on here than an irrational dislike. I cannot explain the SS thing.

Valderal, why are you 'fuming'? Odd thing to get so angry about on someone else's behalf. Still don't understand why it's only the DiL that's getting the blame for that (and other) rudeness to be honest. Seems the op's poor son has no power of speech or and ability to lift a kettle for his mum without being asked.