Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

When your youngest ds goes to visit his brother, do you give him or your other ds money to provide for him? I don't know how long he stays, but it could be annoying for DIL to accommodate him, cook, wash, entertain etc., while she has her own life, unless your DS does them all by himself.

I definitely think there's more going on here than meets the eye.

So, you turn up after driving two hours and ask for a cup of tea, and she says no. Where is your son in all this - does he not offer you a drink and insist you stay for a while before driving home again?

It is rude of her not to offer you a drink, but maybe they genuinely had plans and didn't want to waste an hour so sitting around having a chat? If you're not close, I'm not surprised she doesn't really want to hang out with you and make small talk.

As for her hiding in her room - yes, it's rude, but if your son hadn't said anything, you'd have been none the wiser. Maybe she thinks it's easier to stay out of the way?

It's because I am odd Edmund

or seeing his brother himself rather than being ferried over.

Xpost again, I take that last bit back. If he comes over, well I guess it's easier to avoid her isn't it. Makes it less stressful for everyone.

My eldest son's first partner was like this. So many strange behaviours that we could not understand.. We once took my MiL to see them on a day that was pouring with rain. There was accident on the motorway and we were 45 minutes late. As we arrived she put the 2 children In The car and drove off. Another time, they were doing a Barbeque and they put some food onto a table. My SIL thought that was a signal that food was ready and picked up a plate to help himself. She went upstairs and refused to come down for the rest of the visit as 'he had been rude and disrespectfu'. Her own family were there and when he said "should he go and apologise" her DM said no she is a.ways like this.

We just put up with it for my sons sake, but the relationship did not last.

Why doesn't your other son and partner ever host xmas? Perhaps you could suggest it, they might like the opportunity of spending xmas in their own home. They may even want to have a xmas to themselves without feeling obligated that they have to come to you, and then you and youngest can have a nice time at home.

Your other son's partner though sounds horrible. You probably said something innocuous that she took offence to years ago. It was very rude not to offer you a cuppa and then say no when you asked. And calling SS on you, well, she sounds really nasty. I expect you're worried that she'll turn your son against you. I think you should just keep the lines of communication open with him but step back from seeing them. And hope he leaves her eventually. She sounds toxic, it wouldn't surprise me if she's abusive and trying to isolate your son. I wonder if she's like it to his friends too.

does she feel like she is having to babysit your 11 year old? occurred to me as I read that if they working hard all week and then you turn up and drop an 11 year old on them maybe she feels fed up? maybe the no cup of tea we have things to do was her trying to tell you that she is busy? maybe they have put off kids to enjoy some time and she feels like she has one anyway? just a thought and as you don't say how often your son is left with them I could be completely wrong? sometimes people just don't get along. my inlaws hate me and love their other sil and dil.

I don't understand the 'cup of tea' thing. I think it's a bit rude to come to someone's house and ask for food/drink.

Seriously ??? She shouldn't have to! If someone comes to your house, then you should offer them a cuppa without being prompted. OP hasn't just dropped by, unexpectedly. (Although, if she had, I'd still offer). She is a family member who has arranged to drive there, for 2 hours, to facilitate the relationship between the 2 brothers. I would expect the son and his partner to say "Come for lunch" not to refuse her a cuppa.

I know in all the 'relationship' threads we only get one side of the story, but they do sound very inhospitable. I'm not sure what you can do though, other than the suggestions others have made, about no longer driving him there, and being quite clear about sharing the Christmas dinner (if you want them there still) or not inviting them (if you don't).

She sounds like a complete knob! But let's play devils advosate, it might help in seeing where she's coming from?

If they earn more than the rest of you, and have moved away...are they basically snobs now? Because you don't earn that much, and maybe your single parent lifestyle isn't in keeping with whatever family "ideals" she has? Is she a bit of a social climber?

Otherwise maybe her DP, your son, was exposed to more in that EA marriage than you realised. Maybe he's more comfortable discussing with her than you (doesn't want to upset you), but she then sees you as the enemy in this unresolved issue? Maybe that's why they want to see so much of your younger son, to check in on him (and generally just make sure he's not lonely).

Does that seem possible? Not that you've done anything wrong, but that your older DS here isn't good at communicating

Or... she's EA and wants him to herself, but the younger DS was never as much a threat to that. Now he's getting older she's getting less tolerant at her DP having any distraction?

Oh I don't know, sounds rubbish though :(

Cup of tea thing is weird!

make yourself a cup of tea

She reported you to social services and admitted as much.

She's taken to hiding when you come to her house.

Your son is aware of the above and has said nothing/done nothing to change anything.

Your son does not respond to texts and phone calls for weeks.

I think it sounds as if whatever the truth is, your son is now on the brink of going no-contact with you. He obviously still wants a relationship with his youngest brother.

I suggest you have a frank discussion with him.

I think I'd start by saying to your son you're aware she stayed in the bedroom during your last visit and ask if you've upset her or if she has any problems and needs time to herself. Hopefully your son might give you some idea what the problem is.

If it's down to a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law thing, unless you've really done something to upset and didn't realise, she's just been rude. Sometimes I don't fancy having my MIL all day as most of the time we end up sitting around all day doing nothing (I'm not one for relaxing, MIL is), but she gets offered a drink and whatever we're having with it, and I sit and chat with her. Sometimes I do the odd job like get the washing in if she's here, but I try and make her welcome because it's something you have to do and as I know it's important to DH. If it's down to a social thing, then that's a different matter.

If she hasn't got the time to make a drink, walk past her saying, don't I'll make my own while you get on - make one for you and your son - she's obviously too busy to have one.

As for Xmas, as said before, you need to make it clear they need to pay for their share or if money is tight, just bring along something they particularly like, say cheeses or wine.

Seriously ??? She shouldn't have to! If someone comes to your house, then you should offer them a cuppa without being prompted.

Of course, I have said that myself in a few posts. There's no context here though, and I know quite a few people who'll walk into family's houses and say something irritating such as 'is that the kettle I hear?' or 'is there a brew going'? rather than waiting to be offered.

The bigger point I was making was why was this only the DiL's rudeness, rather than her actual son not either making his mum a cup of tea or saying 'sorry, bit busy, please help yourself'?

make yourself a cup of tea

And then be condemned for being a rude MIL that treats her sons house like her own?

The cup of tea - why are you blaming her and not him, he is capable right?

Sounds like there is a huge backstory - she must be really uncomfortable in your presence if she feels the need to hide when you go round... I think there is more to it than you are letting on.

Is she happy about him staying at her/their home?
You said your older son visits quite often, so I don't really see the point of younger son visiting his brother if his wife isn't happy.

I just think it's not up to her to make a cup of tea for you and chat, especially you know she doesn't like you. It's up to your ds.

Some people are like that. SiL was always rude to my parents, and clearly thinks she is better than me and my family.

A few years back DB and his wife suddenly decided to go to my uncles funeral despite not having seen him for decades. I was taking my mother, so it ended up with the four of us going up together, four hours drive.

I arrived at their house ready for an early start. SiL let me in, then proceeded to make herself coffee and toast. Did not offer me anything, but simply ate and drank in front of me. It was so early that it was very unlikely I would have eaten first.

She then spent much of the journey making no effort to hide her sniggering when my mother, in the early stages of dementia, said something off or repeated herself.

SiL is very posh but with no class. I just ignore her though it was always difficult for DP.

Your son is aware of the above and has said nothing/done nothing to change anything.

This is actually a good point. If I knew my partner had called SS on a family member I'd either be so angry they took such a serious step without talking first I couldn't be with them anymore, or I would have been so worried myself that I would have agreed to it. Do you not think you son was involved in the decision to call SS about his brother?

What about his own father, do you know if they have a good relationship with him?

If I had a family member who called ss about an incident that occurred when the child wasn't even with me, but at his dad's house, I would view that as an act of spite and she would no longer step foot in my house.
I wouldn't he pussy footing around this either. She is rude amd nasty and your son is enabling it. He is a grown arse man - time for some honest conversation here about her behaviour and his.

You are not a non person and it is time you stopped tolerating rudeness and their failure to treat you with kindness and respect. I would be telling ds that you don't want them there for Christmas - hard to do but necessary, I think. Stop sending uour son there - you owe it to your youngest to noy expose him to people who don't treat him well or who model bad behaviour/attitudes toward you, his mum.

We only ever have one side of a story from any OP on here. Aware of it or not we use the description they give of the behavior of all the other members of the story to make up our missing pieces as best we can.

Come on people - someone reporting their MIL to social services with their partner fully aware, moving 2 hours away, hiding when she comes round and the son not responding to his mothers texts and calls for weeks ... this is more than 'rudeness' from a DIL.

What's going on i don't know - but there's a bigger picture and we're not seeing it.

And then be condemned for being a rude MIL that treats her sons house like her own?

Not if she asks first, just walking into someone's kitchen without permission is rude but nothing wrong with family saying 'do you mind if I get myself a drink'. Then again, I always thought that was the norm in visiting close family, rather than just announcing you'd like a drink, or sitting like the Queen waiting for an offer (though again, it's rude not to offer as well).

I just get a txt on my birthday, usually at some point in the evening
Ok, I'll take your word that you're not passive aggressive, but how is the above situation not the fault of both of them? It really does sound like your son is not much better (and of course everyone is more comfortable with just him visiting, he's known you all his life) but you are blaming it all on her!

Were there some issues between you elder son and your partner with the DV? Is your DIL protecting his feelings in some way? Does she think your parenting is inadequate because your elder son has given her that impression? That might explain the call to SS.

My brother (not dear at all) had a very difficult relationship with our DF and has been cold with most of our family since. When he got married, his DW became cold and removed too. She started off very friendly and has gradually over time withdrawn, something we put down to his influence.

Something similar happened to my DM's brother. His wife (my aunt) was cold, rude and unfriendly, particularly with her MIL (my grandmother) and his side of the family and we never knew why until recently, when just before he died my uncle explained that his mother had let him down in his teens in quite a significant way and he'd never been able to trust her fully again. I think his wife was cold and rude because she was trying to protect him from his family in some way.

Your letter suggests there might be some issues between you and this particular son, perhaps there are some tensions in the past that he is not telling you about.

Does she want your youngest ds coming to stay? Doesn't sound like it.

The only person who can resolve this is your ds. Why isn't he stepping up? He shouldn't allow her to be rude to you. It's him I'd be tackling about it.

Re Christmas, don't ask for a sum of money (people who don't host genuinely have no idea how much it all costs) but just divvy up the food, wine, crackers etc etc and get everyone to contribute but you need to be very specific.