Weird daughter in law

[ericsmum1234]

I have three children in their '30's and a son of 11. My problem is with one of my son's DP. She's always been a bit difficult to get along with but after 7 years I'm at the end of my tether. My son and her moved about 2 hours drive away for work 3 years ago. All good, they love where they live and have got really good jobs and a good life and my ds is very happy with her BUT, she really seems to dislike me and makes no secret of it. My youngest and his brother are really close & I've driven him there numerous times that involves a 4 hour round trip, but when I get there she barely says hello and when ive asked for a cup of tea she says no, we've got stuff to do. It's a brew ffs! And I have to turn around and drive for another 2 hours to get home. They rock up every xmas and eat all the food and contribute nothing, I'm on my own with little money and struggle to provide every year ( my two other children contribute, we do it between the three of us).

What's tipped me this time is I took my son up & she wasn't there, my son said she was at work and I didn't think anything of it. Then when I spoke to my youngest in the phone he told me that she was in the bedroom and came out when I'd gone. Obviously avoiding me. I just wanted to scream at her and say "what's your problem with me?" But my son wouldn't back me up. I know that he'd take her side and just stop speaking to me because he won't ever admit he's in the wrong. I'm not the sort of MIL who interferes ( I get on really well with my other children's DP), but I'm not doing that trip again because a) I can't afford the petrol and b) I'm not having the piss taken out of me. My youngest doesn't want to go any more either because she's not that nice to him.
The question is that this situation is going to pop again soon, how do I handle it? My anxiety is through the roof just thinking about it

Assume that all MIL's are fucking annoying.

But they're not.

My mil died many years ago only 18 months after dh and I met. She was a really nice lady. Yes, I'm sure she would have got on my nerves from time to time. But we had the sort of relationship where I could have told her to back off a bit.

Dh's grandma was really sweet and naive, she outlived her dd by several years. They both loved my dh so very much. Despite being brought up by a narcissist, I didn't feel the need to massively compete with them both. The pure love his grandma felt for him is something, I have never experienced myself from any family member. If I could have chosen a mother, she'd be a lot like her.

I am almost NC with my MIL and I can assure there is a back story, because I see myself as a polite and reasonable person. But that's just my view and MIL would probably not agree since she wants a lot more of me than I'm prepared to give bearing in mind our history. We are a different generation and have different backgrounds and interests. The only thing we have in common is her son, my OH, who is wary of MIL too.

YABU in wanting things to change although
YANBU in hoping for better given your family relationship

op,
have you asked your son what her problem with you is? or even ask her herself?
it sounds bloody wearing and i think id stop the xmas thing and stop the visits there and the birthday cards etc. and just tell your son he is welcome to come to you anytime but id just say to him its obvious that she has a an issue with you and youd like to now what it is and clear the air before you go there again.

I can be rude to my MIL because I think I am protecting my husband. She treats him like shit, and I can't bear it.

Things are better since I started calling her out on it, and we get on quite well now, although I keep her at arm's length, and rarely go round for a social visit.

She also knows that we won't hesitate to go NC if she goes too far - we did last year for a few weeks, and 6 weeks in 2015. She hasn't exactly acknowledged her fault in it, but she is aware where the line is now, and doesn't cross it. Or at least, hasn't yet.

So, as a PP said, it could be that your son feels hurt or damaged in some way from the DV, and has told her things he hasn't told you, and so she sees you as an enabler, someone who didn't protect her son (not saying you are or you did that, just her perspective, or what he's told her).

I would suggest you either have it out with your son, and her if you think you can, or walking away and not making the effort. As PP have said, just knock it all on the head and focus on a relationship with you son and not his DP.

If this were a DIL saying that her MIL doesn't ask if she can make a cup of tea but just goes ahead and makes her own there would be uproar.

Interesting to see the flip side from a MILs point of view on this thread and not surprised by the same old faces who still it in for them.

I think it's simple courtesy to offer something to drink if you turn up as arranged and have had a two hour drive to get there even if there's no fondness.

Hiding away, well I have done that myself in different circumstances so I won't comment but yes that absolutely spells out her attitude towards you.

She has made her feelings clear and DS knows by now what the situation is, it's in his power to mediate but has shown no sign of brokering a truce. Perhaps he just wants to stay neutral and keep quiet. Fwiw I would not stop acknowledging his birthday if you have given up doing nice things for his wife.

It's nice your youngest has a good relationship with his DB and as he gets older he can get there himself by public transport? Remember information flows both ways btw. He is liable to innocently repeat any remarks you make regarding DIL to them.

I suspect at the bottom of this is the event that got glossed over, her reporting you when your youngest fell off a sofa at his dad's. Why report you not him?

She may have regretted contacting SS but perhaps is like your DS as you said here at the start, in not liking to admit she is ever wrong.

As for Christmas well you have to rethink that or let things carry on and button it which is really going to stress you further.

I don't see how to fix this really at this point. You have a great relationship with your other sons so it could be worse. Echoing OnionKnight's pithy observation, some people are indeed twats.

That is really shit!

I agree with pps, don't drive your middle son up to son with girlfriend's house any more. That's expensive. She doesn't have to like you and you're not demanding that she make you her new best friend but a cup of tea and a bit of small talk, wow, can she not cough up 15 minutes of small talk?

I would back off and hope that your son makes some effort to keep you in his life! He can hardly blame you for not visiting anymore if you have been made aware that you KNOW that his OH is barracaded in to their room waiting for your departure!

Do you turn up uninvited? If she's saying she doesn't have time for tea and has things to do, it sounds like she wasn't expecting your visit. Similarly if she'd hiding in the bedroom it sounds like you turned up unannounced and she didn't have a chance to go out to a cafe or something else to separate herself. Regular unannounced visits from MIL would be quite draining I imagine, even if you are lovely.

It's possible she might just be a bit socially awkward or just not always be in the mood for weekends with MIL and child after a hard week at work.

I would step right back, minimise the contact you have with your DIL. Let your son come and visit you and pick up his brother from your house if he wants a visit. Send her a card on her birthday.

This

Tell your son if he wants to come to yours for Christmas this year he needs to contribute £x.* - actually I would tell him what to provide for the meal, i.e. The Turkey or the alcohol.

The OP lives hours away so I doubt she's popping round every week uninvited. Even if she did someone should offer her a cup of tea.

Not read whole thread. But I have met women who are jealous of their MIL, SIL etc. Remember all these crazy MIL on here were once crazy DIL.
A sons a son till you take a wife and all that. I hate that phrase btw as mother of sons. But sadly I think it can be true and it's women like your DIL that started it off.
If I'm in your position one day I don't know what I will do.i doubt you can do anything. But remain dignified and the better person.

And mn tends to favour the DIL which is daft as horrid people are horrid regardless of age.

mn tends to favour the DIL

Why do you say that, Freak?

And mn tends to favour the DIL which is daft as horrid people are horrid regardless of age.

Of course there are horrible people out there. But OP's primary relationship is with her son, so why is the DIL getting blamed for her not being offered a cup of tea? Or for her son not texting her for weeks, or for not sending a birthday present?

OP's son is an adult and perfectly capable of using a kettle, buying a card or sending a text message should he choose to do so.

I'm back! Thankyou all for your comments, it's a big help.
I've racked my brains to try and understand what I may have done that's upset her. However, the pp that mentioned that my EA marriage has impacted on him might have a point. He was the only one living at home at the time and I did lean on him, not as a substitute husband, but as an ally. Looking back I was wrong because he was only 19 and my exh was vile to him. We've spoken about it since and I've apologised profusely. I feel really bad but I was in a bad place myself & I had a new baby. This all happened before he met his DP, but he's undoubtedly told her all about it. I can't change the past and I probobly handled it badly, but if that's the problem then there's not a lot I can do about it now.

I don't turn up uninvited, they are expecting me every time. It's too far just to turn up!!

If not waste any more time thinking about her- she clearly has issues with people, not personal to you.
I'd be so, so hurt at my son though.
He has his mother running round after him to be met without any welcome or warmth and then dismisses her to drive all the way back again until the next time. Shameful if you ask me.
Mother in laws come in for some flack on most parenting forums (some more than others) but I always keep in mind that I will be one myself one day.

I'd not*

Very true, he's just as much at fault here. He's very nervous sometimes when I'm there, I get the impression he's torn between us. I know he's my son, but he can be a bit strange sometimes

Cut her out OP. When you're planning to go and see your son make the arrangements with him, preferably meeting away from their home. Don't text her or phone her.

After all that's what she wants. Win win. You get to see your son and gc without misery chops!

I think that explains things slightly, OP.

You went through a tough time and did what you thought was right, or what you had to do to get through it. Unfortunately that's impacted on your son and he's clearly spoken to his partner about it (understandably) and that's perhaps had an impact on how she sees you.

I think perhaps you need to accept there were problems in the past which have impacted on your son, and that's upset your DIL. Your son choosing not to text you for weeks, not offering you a cuppa or not texting on your birthday until the last minute is all his choice. Maybe it would help to look at it that way?

I sympathise with what you went through - it must have been awful for you and just as bad for your son, especially if he was the only child still at home. Unfortunately that's going to impact on how he sees you now, and I'm not really sure what you can do about that.

You're right pandora, I don't want to dictate their lives, but I'm not setting myself up to be upset and anxious over every encounter I have with them.

Thanks caffeine, it seems I've lost him a bit. Despite all I've said, she really loves him and makes him happy and I'm really pleased about that.

Sometimes it's difficult to forgive someone who you perceive has caused harm to a person you love. If she perceives that you didn't protect your children by removing the abusive adult from their lives, she could hold you responsible at least in part for any issues that her husband now has. You may not even be aware of those issues. It's victim blaming but it happens.

I hope you can get things sorted somehow. Maybe you should just see your son on his own for now? He could pick his brother up occasionally, or you could drop him off at a mid-point, which could save you some petrol as well.

Is it possible she resents having this kid in her house regularly? He might be your husband's brother, but with such an age gap it's going to be more of an uncle-type relationship than anything. Is she really happy with him coming to stay?