To not go to my sister's wedding

[ZerbaPadnaTigre]

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

Funerals are different. You get cut a lot of slack at funerals on account of the whole grieving thing.

The last time I went to a family party, my cousin's cousin declared 'you've got a really massive head' in the middle of a conversation about something else. True but still. I'm fair game for some reason. Always have been. Randomers' favourite is how much I look like a man. People I vaguely know tend to go for comments about my conversation skills or awkward body language and gait.

I'm glad I don't sound like a complete arsehole to everybody on here

Bloody hell! I hope you delivered a withering put-down in return. Family are generally worse than strangers for this sort of thing though, that is true...

Tempting to turn it straight round - à la "Not as massive as your mouth" / "Not as ugly as your character" / "Not as awkward as a conversation with you". Alas, though, you do end up sounding nasty!

I think the only way to stop being fair game is to stop feeling like you are fair game. Which is not easy. May I bore you by mentioning the word "practice" again? :D

It doesn't upset me. I've heard it all a million times before and you can't really argue back against something that's obviously true. Brother and sister have both been away in their university cities for a large part of the last 5-ish years so I haven't seen much of them but it definitely used to bother them, especially sister, more than it bothers me.

I'm not surprised - I'd be really angry if someone spoke to my sister like that but would be less bothered if they said something to me.

There is a bit of a victim feel coming from you though - and I don't mean that in a disparaging way at all, but the matter-of-fact way you seem to think it's inevitable. People can sense that, iykwim? Perhaps biting back a few times might give you a bit of a boost? Make them feel awkward if nothing else!

Oh, great, it doesn't bother you, so you'll be OK with going to the wedding, yeay :D

Are you clever or have a great job? People who are a success in my family usually get this sort of treatment.

You need to think about your self esteem at least - my sister asked me if one of my legs was swollen last time I saw her (I've got 2 different sized legs, since birth, and was wearing a short dress which I had thought looked good.

It hurt a bit, but she didn't mean to be hurtful and I wouldn't do anything wrt social engagements with her or anyone else on the back of it.

People are quite often thoughtless, they don't usually set out to be unkind and you should let these things roll off you.

Well if it doesn't bother you, what's to stop you going?

That brings us back to the fact that it does bother my sister and does she want to deal with that shit on her wedding day? Like I say, I'm not being totally selfish in not wanting to go.

She's going to be too busy to hear what anyone says to or about you tbh. So if it doesn't bother you it should all be fine.

That brings us back to the fact that it does bother my sister and does she want to deal with that shit on her wedding day?

She's invited you, so it's fair to assume that she wants you there.

If you're really that concerned, have a private conversation with her. Tell her you want to celebrate her day (doesn't matter if that's not true, it's a white lie) but you're worried that your lack of social skills will cause a problem and is she sure she wants you there? If she says she does, which I expect she will, then there's your answer.

I know you're going to come back with 'well she has to say that, doesn't she', but no, she actually doesn't. And if you've given her the chance to disinvite you nicely and she still says she wants you there, it's her problem if she didn't mean it. It's not for you to decide her feelings for her.

The only time you might have to socialise is at the meal anyway, so you could ask to join them at the top table and then you can just sit there in silence if you want. During the reception you'll be needed for photographs and you can just hang around there.

I get that you're not sociable, but this is really not the huge quest that you think it is. Just go.

If you can't trust people to act in accordance with their true desires, that's a bit strange. She invited you, she wants you there. You are over thinking it because it involves some downsides to yourself.

If I counted all the unflattering comments I'd had in my life I'd never go anywhere. It should count for more to you that your sister has invited you.

It really does sound like your sister wants you to be there: she sounds like she cares a lot about you and my impression is that she would be very saddened by you not going, especially if the reason was that you were trying to avoid embarrassing her!

I can see why you'd be keen to avoid mixing with some of your relatives though - it sounds like they've been pretty insensitive in some of their comments towards you in the past! It's likely they didn't intend you to take their comments to heart as much as you did - but they do sound like inappropriate remarks. One thing that might help you feel more confident in their company is to allow yourself to believe that they are the weird ones ('who says things like that anyway?!'), not you. If you can face it, then probably the most powerful thing you can do is tell them (ideally before the wedding, and individually) that their remarks - pick specific examples - have hurt you in the past and that you'd appreciate more sensitivity. I think you'd be surprised how much their treatment of you (and how much more confident you'd feel around them) would change.

It's a bit ironic that people would call you awkward or a misfit by saying things that are outright rude and socially unacceptable themselves.

People are stupid!!

Could you go with your brother? I'm pretty socially inept myself but at least manage to have a laugh with relatives at weddings. Is it a big do? What do your parents think? Do you have any elderly relatives who need looking after that you could hang out? I think you need to chat to your sister, or write to her. Be honest and explain like you have to us. I think it sounds like she wants you there but maybe she'll have some ideas to make it easier for you. Like for example sitting you with nice people rather the type who'll insult you.

It sounds as though you look a bit different to the "norm" and that people with zero manners have, in the past, decided to take the piss out of that. This would upset me if someone did it to my family too - but I would hope that ANYONE invited to my wedding would have the grace and manners NOT to do that to my family member on my wedding day.

I imagine that she has suggested the hair and clothing change to try and minimise your unusualness, and reduce the chance of people being mannerless towards you, rather than trying to make YOU feel different, maybe?

But either way, this HAS to come back to this: have a conversation with your sister. A proper one, where you bring up the issues you have with it, and where you explain that you don't want her to deal with any side-effects of you being you.

And then if you're still concerned that people will be whispering about you during the ceremony (unlikely as you'll be near the front and most people won't see you) or the meal (potentially an issue, granted), then suggest that you come to the evening only. Or ceremony and evening but skip the meal.

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here, but it is AIBU, so par for the course really - but I also think that you're also holding back what I feel are significant details that would more readily explain why you (and your siblings) feel the way you do.

Re. your eyes, maybe you could invest in a pair of coloured plain glass specs for the day, if it's something that bothers you/ your sister in terms of photographs? But only if you want to.

Talk to her, be open, honest, plain and direct. Ask her to do the same. Hope you resolve it.

How many people have been invited to the wedding? Is it a small affair or larger?

It sounds to me that you think your sister is going to be ashamed or embarrassed of you. I think her advice about getting a haircut, small talk isn't that, it's to make you feel more comfortable as I suppose she knows you won't enjoy being around lots of new people. However you feel you need to go to her wedding. It would be rude and spiteful not to go. It's one day of you feeling awkward and doing something you don't want to do but it's a day she'll always remember.

Mumandteacher, yes really
The ceremony is the important part, the reception is just fluff and forced interaction. If cost was such an issue it wouldnt be such a big wedding, plus i dare say op would be happier to cover her part if needed rather than be forced to attend and make mindless small talk

Not all humans are social creatures and thats ok

Sparklewater, then think yourself lucky, ive been ripped apart for my appearance by strangers on the street

@sororitynoise What is it with people like you on MN?*
No wonder she doesn't like you*
It's surprising you're actually a parent, what a bitter, horrible thing to say to an adult. Grow up.

I was with you until you said the evening part is your favourite part. As a socially anxious person, I fail to see how the MOST social part of the evening can be your favourite. The ceremony - sit on your arse quiety and say nothing, be attentive and respectful. Explain to your sister you'd rather not be in too many photos - ask her in advance how many there would be, suck it and get through them quickly. The meal - sit between your brothers or something and eat your food. I don't get the issue. You sound selfish. Stop making it about you and just go to the wedding.

I don't know exactly how many people are invited but it's a big wedding. When the invitations went out, sister was trying to get me to bring my grandad as my plus one because 'he loves a wedding'. It's big. Brother will be with his girlfriend. Maybe I should've embraced the weirdness and rocked up with grandad (89) who's recently discovered that his phone has a selfie camera.

I'm not socially anxious so I'm not particularly likely to feel the same way as a socially anxious person. I find it's easier to blend in when people are moving around. Sitting still for too long tends to lead to the people around you trying to interact with you.

It cost me hundreds of pounds in lost income, I had to wear a dress I felt ugly and uncomfortable in, and I got very upset during the ceremony (owing to the miserable state of my own love-life at the time). I wasn't exactly the life and soul of the party, and refused to dance with the best man (not to make a point - I felt so rubbish about myself by that stage that there was no way I was adding to it by making a fool of myself on the dance floor).

So you even made the ceremony all about yourself! Conasse.

OP, I think you're loving all the people telling you to go and others asking about what's wrong with you. Grow up. It's not about what you want on that day. Speak to your sister who's the one you should be talking to.

If it's a big affair, you'll blend in to the background. You can be there for the ceremony then disappear after the meal/speeches. If you were to take your grandad, you'd have a perfect excuse to leave early as he'd be tired or something.

Selfie taking Grandad? He sounds like amazing company. I'd take him and encourage him to take lots of photos :)