To not go to my sister's wedding

[ZerbaPadnaTigre]

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

Squeekums really? Not going to the reception when you've said you will would be noticed and the hosts will have paid for a meal which won't be eaten, plus there'll be an empty space where you should be sitting. Not cool. Staying for the sitdown do at least would be polite and leaving after thanking the hosts. Weddings are expensive.

If you dislike her that much, then don't go to the wedding. It may be better if you just cut off contact with her.

Amazed at how people on here will suggest cutting off family like it's nothing. Obviously if you have abusive relatives then fine, go no contact. But, to suggest cutting off family just because you don't particularly get on that we'll of have small differences seems a huge over reaction to me.

*well

I don't want to go because meeting new people inevitably involves somebody making fun of me. Growing up, my sister (and brother) got a lot of shit for being related to me. It really upset sister. I think she'd prefer a wedding day without me being me. No, she hasn't said that but it's not really socially acceptable to say 'you're ok but actually, I'd prefer you didn't come', is it? Also, I've got a minor issue with my eyes and I always look ridiculous in photos so that's something to consider. No way to avoid family photos without making a fuss.

I'm not going to cut contact with her and I don't think me not going would make her cut contact with me. We don't see each other that often anyway.

I don't have BPD or social anxiety or anything else apart from bog-standard general anxiety and I'm not anxious about going to the wedding or miserable at all. Interesting to hear different perspectives though and that I wouldn't be the first person in the world to not go to a sibling's wedding.

I wonder why you've posted? You've had many people saying you should go and get you doggedly keep trotting out the same line that she doesn't really want you there - the fact that people picked on her because of you (you feel) doesn't imply what you think it does - maybe she'd be proud to have you there?

You seem fairly intransigent...

I posted for opinions and I've got them, which I appreciate. I might be being unreasonable but changing my opinion to agree with the majority isn't compulsory. FWIW, my brother agrees with me, which is a result because now I know I don't have to go to his hypothetical wedding

My son sounds exactly like you! On the other side I know that my daughter would be very upset if he didn't attend her (hypothetical) wedding, because for all his quirkiness she does love him and she would think this meant he had no feelings/love for her. I would go, find a compromise, leave early or before the party side of the wedding - I know that this would be the offer we would suggest for my son.

i feel you'll end up with regrets: sometimes, you have to talk to other people in a currency they value - you feel that she wouldn't value you going, but that's you imposing your preferences/how you'd feel about her being at your wedding on her.

i do get it - i didn't want anyone at my wedding other than DH and hated every minute, but now I'm older i can see it had value to other people that i'm glad they got.

I don't normally post messages but this question is troubling me. I am introverted myself and can quite understand why people might not like going to social events. But human beings are essentially social creatures - we support each other and help each other out - that's how things work. I can understand that at your stage of life, OP, you may feel you don't need this, but nurturing relationships is, if you like, a form of insurance for when we do need help - for example are ill or something.

You say that you don't have any sort of condition, but how do you know? Have you seen a psychiatrist? And did they do a full enough evaluation? It is not uncommon for things to be missed on a first assessment, and to be honest, virtually everything you've said and the way you've said it really doesn't sound entirely 'normal' to me.

If you do have a condition, then, I know from experience, a diagnosis will help you and your family to understand the situation better and consider how best to handle things.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm trying to help and just feel that if I didn't say something when I could, then perhaps I might have failed to respond to what appears, in some form, to be your cry for help.

I might be being unreasonable but changing my opinion to agree with the majority isn't compulsory.

Of course, but you asked us what we think, and the overwhelming majority of us think you should go. If you only cared about what your brother thought, you should have asked him and left us out of it.

Also, you should go. Especially if you sincerely DON'T want to draw attention to yourself.

You seem not to be able to empathise with people. You also seem to put your own thoughts into others heads. You don't have to meet anyone new at the wedding - stick with those you already know. It's a big drama to you but the majority of people there won't be interested in chatting to you either!

I feel for your sister. Don't go - but make sure you fully explain your reasoning and apologise.

i also think you need to re-think whether you need assessment - the last time I encountered this sort of inflexible thinking was my DN who has aspergers - his was in the context of a funeral - he couldn't understand what possible comfort it could offer him or anyone else to attend it.

The thing is, OP doesn't sound inflexible as such to me. She started with a lovely comment about preferring to watch paint dry and her sister trying to change her...but she later explicitly acknowledged that her sister doesn't actually care what she wears, and was perhaps trying to suggest getting a new outfit etc just to make her feel more comfortable and have something to talk about. She also realises that her sister has suggested other, non-girly things to do together, like running or city breaks.

Now she's no longer even trying to justify not going, she's just telling us that she doesn't have to agree with us (of course not, ffs. Did she think we were going to turn up, throw a sack over her head and take her there by force?).

OP, just sodding go. It will cause no end of pain, drama, family rift and lots and lots of attention on you if you don't. If you sincerely don't give a sun blushed shit about your blameless sister, then go for your own sake. It will shield you from the attention you hate so much, it will save you getting a reputation as a self-centred brat (whatever your true intentions, this is how it will look) and you never know, maybe some day in the future you'll have a happy occasion to celebrate and kind of want your family there. Have a good whinge with your brother about how hard done by you are and how terrible it all is for you if that'll help, do whatever, but just sodding go, have the worst evening of your life and be done with it. Just. Sodding. Go.

Growing up, my sister (and brother) got a lot of shit for being related to me. It really upset sister.

Well it hasn't upset her enough to be the one to rend the family by not having you at her wedding (do you really not realise what an enormous gesture this would be?). So now you know that she wants you at the wedding even if the price is you being awkward, are you going to be the one to do the rending?

It's her wedding. Presumably everyone there likes her enough not to be bothered if you aren't the most charming person they're going to meet all evening. Presumably everyone who's going already knows you exist and who you are. The only thing that could really ruin the day would be you openly snubbing it.

So just. Sodding. Go.

I don't have autism. I've been tested for that. I have absolutely no interest in seeing a psychiatrist. I'm happy as I am. Most humans are social creatures but I don't think that means those of us who aren't need diagnosing and fixing.

The party bit of a wedding is my favourite bit. Maybe she'll demote me to an evening only guest if I irritate her. Joking. Sort of.

I don't think you need diagnosing and fixing. I think you need to go to your sister's wedding.

I don't really get how you are not miserable or anxious about being different but don't want to socialise for that reason. Good if you really are fine with it, but does your sister get that? Or will she be sad, thinking (wrongly) that her sister is too scared and upset to come to her wedding? Can you see it from her point of view - from the point of view of someone who does not have access to all the thoughts in your head?

It is her big day. If you don't go, will you at least make sure that it doesn't make her feel bad?

So you like the evening part?

The more you write the more selfish you sound. It's all about you and what you want. your family obviously love you and want you to spend time with them. I feel sorry for them that you won't make that effort. I don't feel sorry for you because you have people in your life who love you and clearly want to make an effort for you.

Your brother is probably agreeing with you to stop you going on about it tbh

Yes, an amazing amount of selfishness - I'm not convinced you are psychologically fine, as I said, I don't know any other introverts who would be ok with giving their family/friends this much offence - we all like a moan about how we hate this sort of thing and then drag ourselves along for the sake of the people that want us there.

I'd like to know whether you'd go to her funeral, or would there be no point in that either as a point of interest.

I can't quite believe that strangers would make fun of you on first meeting? What for?

I honestly can't think of a single situation where that would be even remotely socially acceptable :/

Maybe you've just encountered a lot of idiots?

You know what? I think I'd quite like you if I met you. You sound like you would find the quirky interesting.

I'm quite good at the 'socially acceptable' role playing that you have to do at these events, but I really like hanging with people who see the world through a different filter. Sets me at ease. I can stop watching my Ps and Qs etc.

Sparklewater, at a young age complete strangers would call out at me on the street to tell me that I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen, that their friend fancied me (laughing sarcastically), that I had a big nose, that I was ugly ... can't count the number of times that happened. Petered out when I was about 20. Of course it's not socially acceptable, and it's not intended to be.

Would be weird to say anything to the bride's sister at a wedding though!

I think you sound excellent too, OP. People aren't all the same, and some just prefer their own company.

It sounds like you have some bad associations with family social occasions. However if you miss the wedding it's likely to cause a rift with your sister.

If you have a family ally (your brother?) can you ask them to find out more about whether your sister really wants you there?

Oh my god ravenmum, that's horrific! People can be such arseholes.

Surely that's not going to happen at a wedding though, especially to the bride's sister!