To not go to my sister's wedding

[ZerbaPadnaTigre]

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

It might well be social anxiety, but as far as I can tell from OP's posts, it isn't fear that's motivating her, it's boredom and a belief that her sister doesn't want her there.

Personally I wouldn't invite someone I couldn't stand to come with me on a run or a city break. If she had low self esteem I might gently try to encourage her to buy a new dress or get her hair done so she might see how nice she can look and get a bit of confidence. Maybe that would be the wrong course of action, maybe the person would take it as me trying to "change" her, but if I were also happy to go running or holidaying with her, chances are I like her as she is and just wish she would like herself a bit more too.

Again, I agree Yorick

I do think the sister is trying in a clumsy way to make the OP feel better about herself.

It's a choice between one uncomfortable day, and several years of bad feeling about it amongst all your relatives and possible regrets at some point. You're 26, I felt the same at your age, thought weddings should really all just have the people getting married there.

Now I'm 40, I imagine how I'd feel if one of my dc didn't go to the other one's wedding and feel bad. I can't even bring the subject up because it'll only reopen old wounds.

Fwiw, I see no evidence at all that your sister doesn't want you there and plenty that she sincerely does.

Please go to your sisters wedding. It's just one day, but a lifetime of her remembering that you didn't and potentially feeling hurt about that, and likely you regretting that you didn't. Life's too short for that. It really is. I say that as an older woman who has made a shit load of mistakes. Regret is a tough thing to live with. Even if you have a sibling who is annoying you.

It'd be lovely if people really didn't care about or notice that some people are a bit weird but that's not true. People do notice that I'm odd and immature and socially awkward and they comment. That's what my sister is trying to avoid by trying to give me normal things to talk about. She doesn't care what I wear to her wedding. She thinks that if I buy a new outfit, I'll be making small talk about liking people's shoes and telling them where I bought my scarf. Just doesn't work like that though.

OP are you neurotypical? Because people's opinions will be very different if you aren't.

Oh Zerba have an unmumsnetty hug from me. Being cripplingly shy among people you don't like isn't much fun, but I agree that the repercussions of not going will be worse, and you will get talked about. I still think your sister is trying to help you, but not making a very good job of it.

It sounds like you need to find someone to talk these issues through with.

Op, I'm not going to my sisters wedding as we have a hostile relationship for many reasons.
I really think you need to get over it, have a plus one or sit beside people youre alright with and deal with it. I don't think your sister doesn't want you there, I think she's trying to make it easier for you to be there. Just go, eat, congratulate your sister and leave before the proper socialising starts. If you truely have an issue with socialising then your sister will most likely be cool with this.
But don't just not go. It'd actually draw more attention to you.

That's what I think too. Your sister definitely does want you there, it's obvious she loves you and is trying to help you. She just doesn't know how to and isn't the best placed person to do so.

And I also agree that it would be absolutely fine for you to just go to the ceremony and stay at the reception long enough to congratulate your sister and her new husband and then eat. She will understand if you leave early.

You have a family who love you and not turning up for your sister's wedding will hurt them.

I am reading this as that you react a little differently to social situations that other people. Do your family (and your sister) recognise this?

Weddings are quite intense for everyone in different ways. I think you should go, but maybe you should make a plan about how you can be there without it being distressing for you.

First, talk to your sister. Tell her that you are happy that she wants you there and that you will come but you need to make a plan so everyone has a stress free happy day.

Your sister will be busy being the bride on the day. Can any of your family who will be there on the day be your back up? The people who you can stick with, or who can come rescue you if you look like you are stuck making small talk. Figure out your top concerns and then if you have someone there who can help, make a plan with them about what you'll do.

Having a job to do can be helpful as it keeps you busy and means you don't have to do too much socialising. Usher? Be responsible for gift table? Decor?

It sounds ghastly but perhaps have one or two 'small talk' things to say to people. A good tip is to ask a non important question about the person and let them do the talking. www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/christinapark/2015/03/30/an-introverts-guide-to-small-talk-eight-painless-tips/amp/ It's ok to plan in advance. I am an extrovert and find small talk easy, but I do notice I have my tactics. I observe things about people. also if you are making small talk at an event like a wedding, it's ok to say 'it's been nice to talk to you/meet you/catch up, I'm going to find relative/buy a drink/ take some air' and that doesn't mean the person is boring. If it happens to you it doesn't mean you're weird.

Also it's ok to be a bit odd and immature! Some people get a bit thrown by it but many people will be able to make some small talk. I agree stick with the ceremony and wedding breakfast. After that it will all be a bit merry and you can wish your sister full congratulations before slipping off.

I think you'll be able to make it work for you, it will just take some planning. Don't not go, I think that would be a mistake.

People do notice that I'm odd and immature and socially awkward and they comment.
People used to do that to me, too. I know what it's like when you are feeling ugly and stupid, and hoping people will just ignore you, and instead they seem intent on torturing you by bringing up the fact that you look miserable or have not spoken a word. Instead of letting you blend into the background you are brought to the foreground and it feels like you are burning up with shame.

However, people don't say that about me now, and I don't feel that way now. I still have anxiety, but over the years I forced myself into social situations to give myself practice, and now social situations no longer trigger my anxiety to that degree.

Don't go if you don't want, but you're not doing yourself any favours avoiding social situations. If anything you need to be getting practice.

I am NT. I just don't fit in with other people and I never have. I don't have social anxiety. I'm different and I'm not at all proud of that. I've been treated like shit my entire life for being awkward. The idea that I'm some sort of special snowflake who likes being noticed is totally wrong. It's not a positive thing and it's caused me a lot of hassle. I don't think social skills can always be learnt. I have tried. For me, it's a case if coming across as strange or coming across as a strange person reading a script. It makes no difference to how people react to me.

If you sincerely don't want to draw attention to yourself or be thought of badly, you need to go. You might not realise just how hurtful and malicious it will SEEM if you don't (whatever your actual reasons might be). You don't have to get your hair done or wear a dress, and you don't even have to like it. Just go, smile, tell people you're glad your sister is happy, then escape at the end and reward yourself with something.

If people have a problem with you, let them have it. You are the bride's sister, you are who you are and she wants you there.

I used to hang around with the more "odd" characters at university. I've never been in a clique. Hate them. Do you realise that if people have a problem with you, it's their problem?

Can you write an email to your sister or sit down with her and really explain how you feel? She really wants the best for you, I think. I imagine she'd be mortified if she knew how you really really feel. Perhaps the two of you can come up with a plan to put you with people you feel comfortable with without changing who you are and what you look like.

Just read your latest post op. I think, yes, you probably won't have an amazing time at the wedding. But, you'll just have to grin and bear it to be honest. We all do things occasionally we don't massively want to do in order to make those we love happy. Do you think parents enjoy spending their precious weekends at kids birthday parties or at soft play or freezing on a football pitch cheering their children on? Of course not, but they do it to make their DC happy. This is one day of your life...dress smart and plaster on a smile!

You don't have to talk to anybody you don't already know. No one is going to be weirded out that the sister of the bride didn't make an effort. A polite hello is all you need and then just stick to a relative like glue who does like to chat. Then you just need to stand there and smile.

You say you have a job - I'm sure you manage to get by there and this is no different. Just behave in the same way you would if introduced to a new colleague or client.

I'm not saying that you can teach yourself to be a sleek, scintillating conversationalist, just that you might be a bit less awkward if you get practice. If you said you didn't care about being different I wouldn't suggest this, btw, but you do sound like you suffer from it.

Good idea to confess your feelings to your sister and get her on board. That way, even if you decide not to go, at least she won't feel as bad about it.

To me OP, you sound depressed :( maybe you need to go see the dr and talk to them about your feelings, you are very down on yourself. I i agine she is telling you to buy a new outfit because if you put on something nice and new that fits lovely you feel a bit better about yourself. At the end of the day it is your sisters wedding day, she clearly loves you and wants you to be there.

OP, by not going you will be the centre of attention, for all the wrong reasons. By going and being charming, you will just be one more pleasant guest. Suck it up.

(And then get a bit of therapy. You are very solipsistic and that must be hard work for you and everyone around you.)

You're seeing it as your sister wanting you to be different/more socially acceptable - is it possible she just wants you to be happier? Just go, and support her, and try to have a nice time with the people who clearly love you.

I didn't go to my brother's wedding. The prospect was making me physically ill with anxiety (huge affair, hundreds of guests) and it was the right call for my mental health, despite the fact my mum didn't speak to me for six months.

My sister can be irritating and I also dislike weddings. That's not really enough reason not to attend. I went to hers but I left fairly early - to cap it all she was marrying my ex-boyfriend - who'd ended our relationship to go out with her!

I had the last laugh as their marriage didn't last - he turned out to be a dick. Dress up in a smarter version of your usual self and smile politely. It's just one day of your life.

OP, can you describe a time when you've genuinely sacrificed your own comfort or well-being to make another person have a better time?

You sound very narcissistic like the prototypical "covert narcissist" (google it!) and I'm wondering if you even know how to genuinely behave in a way that is looking out for others more than yourself.

How often do you make sacrifices to help others? How often do you care about others' comfort and well-being? When you do make sacrifices for others, do you do so with a grumble and a downturned look that says "I'm doing this, but I'm not going to like it," or do you smile and keep things pleasant?

YABU not to go. I think your sister is trying to help you and does want you to go.
You say you haven't got social anxiety but from your posts it seems very much like you have.
Get yourself to your GP

Free food and alcohol - I would go. Do the right thing eh..... loads of things in life are irritating doesn't mean you don't at least try to connect with people.