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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my sister's wedding

228 replies

ZerbaPadnaTigre · 15/08/2017 10:53

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/08/2017 14:42

Suck it up, buttercup, and go to sister's wedding - one day only of your life

SweetLuck · 15/08/2017 14:49

sororitynoise that was nasty. WTF is wrong with you?!!!

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2017 14:50

Blimey OP you sound about 12yrs old

Is there such a thing as a Guestzilla? Hmm

Original poster
ZerbaPadnaTigre · 15/08/2017 15:07

I'm not talking about being left with family this year! My parents have left me alone since I was 16. I haven't been on holiday for 10 years. I live alone now. I don't need caring for. I've hated holidays my entire life. I'm talking about my sister knowing that I hate holidays because I got upset every single year when we were growing up.

I'm not adopted. I've got a useless biological mum and my dad's second wife who's my 'real' mum. I can take criticism but no, I really don't want attention.

OP posts:
TheAntiBoop · 15/08/2017 15:12

why would people criticise you?

Your sister is going to be way too busy on the day to really care what you are doing tbh.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2017 15:14

Zerba - have you talked properly to your sister about this? Is she much younger than you?

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 15:32

How about this OP: You turn up, show your face, eat the meal, go home. You've been to the wedding, nobody has spontaneously combusted by looking at you, happy days. The end.

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 15:42

You know what OP I don't think you should go. You sound like a complete pain the arse and if you're half as hard work in RL as you are on MN then...wow.

You have already said that watching paint dry would be more fun than your sisters wedding which is completely disrespectful and bratty so I think it would be better for everyone if you just stayed at home and let everyone have a nice day.

peachgreen · 15/08/2017 16:28

It cost me hundreds of pounds in lost income, I had to wear a dress I felt ugly and uncomfortable in, and I got very upset during the ceremony (owing to the miserable state of my own love-life at the time). I wasn't exactly the life and soul of the party, and refused to dance with the best man (not to make a point - I felt so rubbish about myself by that stage that there was no way I was adding to it by making a fool of myself on the dance floor).

I acted like this at my best friend's wedding (it happened while I was going through a particularly devastating break-up) but rather than wishing I hadn't gone I'm now just thoroughly embarrassed at how I behaved and wish I could go back in time and not be self-centered enough to make her day about me.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 15/08/2017 16:33

Seriously don't go ! You sound an absolute nightmare. You come across on here as very erm ??? Odd !

CoughLaughFart · 15/08/2017 17:50

In defence of your sister, I think she's probably genuinely trying to 'bring you out of your shell'. However, like a lot of people who don't understand introverted personalities, she hasn't actually considered whether you want to be brought out of your shell. (I have a similar issue with family and friends all reassuring me that I'll find someone, regardless of whether or not I'm happy single.)

That said, I wouldn't skip the wedding. At the merest hint of a family row in the future, or as soon as someone has one too many at a family occasion, it will be brought up. One day of pain will be easier than a lifetime of 'Well you didn't even come to my wedding!' every time you dare to question anything your sister says.

Mittens1969 · 15/08/2017 18:13

I think you should definitely go. But is there a friend you could ask to help you find something to wear that you're comfortable with but that is also appropriate for a wedding? I'm thinking that you might accept it more easily from a good friend than from your sister. (I wouldn't really want my DSIS to give me advice on clothes, either, despite loving her to bits.)

Re the wedding, you may not realise this, but there are a lot of people who are uncomfortable about going and think it's something to be endured. But unless it's your own, it's really not about you, it's about the bride and groom and we go to celebrate their big day with them.

Albatross26 · 15/08/2017 18:31

There's introverted, and then there's being difficult for the sake of it. If you think you're going to spoil the day you probably will so as a pp said, maybe just don't go. And work on that massive chip on your shoulder!

Madwoman5 · 15/08/2017 18:49

It is one day. Grit your teeth, throw on a smile and be yourself. Shame she can't accept you for who you are.

Original poster
ZerbaPadnaTigre · 15/08/2017 19:04

I'm really not a vile brat. I went to my sister's graduation and both of brother's graduations. I've been to loads of family weddings. I usually suck it up but i do think it's different being immediate family rather than randomly in the background.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 15/08/2017 19:13

I wonder if this is a social anxiety thing. You sound like you need a boost of self confidence.

Rememberallball · 15/08/2017 19:13

If you're going to feel really uncomfortable spending the whole day there with people who don't understand you (or want you to be something you're not) then I wouldn't go.

My sister didn't come to my wedding 2 years ago and it was only when we were chasing numbers (as she didn't reply to the invitation) and needed to know as she totally lies and says she's coeliac and so needed special consideration for food.

She tried telling my mum she'd told us 6 months earlier that she couldn't attend - we only sent out the invites 4 months before the date!!

The reason she couldn't attend was she had to meet her son's parents in law at the airport when they arrived from their home country for a holiday - she doesn't drive so had to tag along with her dil who had to do a massive detour to get her.

I was quite pleased in a way as it meant I didn't have to play happy families with her but had to invite her to keep the peace!!

Funnily enough we're NC now but that's because of her behaviour towards us and not because she didn't come!!

PollyFlint · 15/08/2017 19:15

I'm not talking about being left with family this year! My parents have left me alone since I was 16

Fucking hell, you're 26 and you are still bitter about being taken on holiday WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD??

This says everything, to be honest.

user1466690252 · 15/08/2017 19:17

I don't think you wanna go, I think you are making excuses and lookong for reasons not to go because you don't want to

PoorYorick · 15/08/2017 19:23

I usually suck it up but i do think it's different being immediate family rather than randomly in the background.

Correct. When you're immediate family, it's far more important.

If you don't go, it will be seen as a snub and a rejection. It will hurt people's feelings, hijack your sister's happy day and make it all about you. This may not be your intention, but it's what will happen and how it will be seen.

People will not think how introverted and solitary you are. They will not think how deep you are. They will not wonder how difficult it is for you and how complex and rare a creature you must be. I don't like the fact that posters are calling you a brat and a selfish attention seeker, but frankly it is how you will appear and it's what people will think. And your sister - who sounds lovely, by the way - will be very very hurt and it will cast a shadow over what should be the happiest day of her life.

I know some women sincerely don't care about fashion and style and femininity, but in my experience, the ones who make a big song and dance about how much they hate dresses and hairstyling are usually suffering from cripplingly low self esteem, and they are rejecting the concept because they don't think they could get away with participating in it. If that's true of you, and I suspect it is, your sister may just be trying to encourage you gently to try the things out in an attempt to help you. She might be misguided in that, but it sounds as if she is well intentioned. She's also tried to get you to go on a city break and go for run - it sounds as though she's willing to try lots of different things to bond with you.

Stop making it about you, stop creating unnecessary drama, and just put on a smart suit, go, smile and be bored for a few hours and then you're done. Is this the worst thing you've ever had to put up with? One evening of your life for someone who clearly loves you?

ilovesooty · 15/08/2017 19:32

I'm sure you know that the occasion is about your sister and not about you. I hope you can find a way to go and not hate it too much so as not to upset your sister.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2017 20:25

Very well put PoorYorick.

PoorYorick · 15/08/2017 20:31

Thank you, Mummy.

And just to add, I've just seen OP's claim that she doesn't want attention. In which case, OP, you definitely need to go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2017 20:38

Very true Yorick. She'll be the centre of attention if she doesn't. It is difficult for me to understand such extreme social anxiety. But if I equate it to how I feel about spiders then it makes a lot more sense. I'd maybe try to do some CBT or hypnotherapy Zerba. Like many things, it's the dread of the event, which is far worse than the event itself.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/08/2017 20:44

I agree with PoorYorick

The focus won't be on you at the wedding, but your sister. It's fine that you don't like wearing dresses. Just wear a nice pair of trousers with a nice top and jacket.

It sounds to me she is going about trying to help you in a cack handed way. It also seems to me that she doesn't really know you very well.

The irony is that by not wanting attention you are making this all about you. I'm not having a go at you. I have this conversation with my daughter. Honestly, people don't really care and don't pay much attention to other people unless they are the centre of attention - in this case it will be the bride, not you. And turning up in bin liners will guarantee that you are the centre of attention.