To not go to my sister's wedding

[ZerbaPadnaTigre]

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

I hate weddings too but I'd draw the line at not going to my own sisters wedding.
She does want you there. If you don't go it'll be more of a big deal than if you do and are awkward. By a mile.
You're sister is stressing about the wedding and it is manifesting itself in how you will be received. On the day she won't even notice or care. She just doesn't realise that yet.
Go. Have a shit time. Leave as early as poss. Move on with your life xxx

Eek - *your

OP, be as odd as you like. But dont be an immature selfish prick who ruins someone's lasting memory. I assume you do love your sister even with your differences. Then go to her wedding out of love. It is high time to grow up! We sometimes need to do things we don't like.

how can any mn. ers possibly help you with so little information|? Yo need to give more. xxxx

I must say that if you were my sister, I would be hugely pleased that you made the effort to come, knowing how awkward you find this sort of thing. It wouldn't matter what you wore, or how long you stayed. It would matter that you cared enough to be there on my special day.

Sometimes, social skills are about turning up when it matters. What you do when there is much less important.

There's needs to be a compromise here I think. I think not going would ruin her day or taint it. It sounds like you're socially anxious and looking for an excuse not to go. It sounds like she's rightly or wrongly trying to help you become more sociable. Ultimately you are who you are and you should feel comfortable at her wedding. Could you not get your hair styled on the day with her to a style that you're happy with? It is her day but equally you should t compromise who you are! But I think not going is unreasonable

personally don't like fancy dress for example, but if the host says it's a 60s party I would wear a sixties outfit, an elvis party, I'd make an elvis costume, laugh it off and have a good time.
Could you wear some nice trousers if you abhour dresses that much? But if the dress code is smart you should try be smart!
You're still you regardless of the outfit, clothes do not define you!

If smart and sociable sound too much then lay it on the line and tell her you'll come, but in whatever it is you feel comfortable in, and may not speak to anyone - does she still want you there?

I really really hate my older sister ( long story)

"... I'll be making small talk about liking people's shoes and telling them where I bought my scarf.

See, you know how to do it

It actually sounds like you'll be fine. Your sister isn't putting pressure on you to be somebody else, she's worried about you feeling worried ... and trying in a not massively helpful way to help.

It's not compulsory to bond with everyone at a wedding. I'm not even sure I talked to everybody at my own. You can be happy that your sister's happy, stick close to your mum, and bugger off to read a book or something when you need a break.

I fully agree with everyone else that she does want you there. And with you that you can do it, in your own way. Go! Be in at least one of the family group photos. Have fun, if only now and again :)

Could you take a friend op? I wore trousers to my brother's wedding he wore a kilt! Wear what you want! But maybe taking friend could make it more tolerable for you?

I would definitely make an effort and scrub up in conventional clothes appropriate for a wedding. She is your sister. We don't have that many siblings these days. Make the most for her big day. If any problems, bite your tongue and know you've done your best for her.

For what it's worth I think maybe your sister recognises your anxiety and is just trying to help - without understanding that shes not. Do you want to go? Not to the social situation but to your sister's wedding day? Would it help to be given a role? Maybe you could take round a wedding boon for people to write in so you appear to be mingling but are really doing a job?

OP, you sound like you love your sister and she loves you. Please turn this around; your sister is getting married, she has invited family, friends, NEW family, etc. Maybe she needs You? She seems willing to do much to "help" you but this could be her way of asking for your support on a Stressfull day. Sometimes we need a friendly face to be an anchorstone.

If you show up ill-dressed, that could reflect poorly to her new relations. If you don't show up, you will be missed (if only the behind the hand comments). Nobody can replace family if family is who you want. Maybe think of yourself as a Rescue Ranger or just a loving sister who is supporting her sister at her wedding.
Your sister's offers are through her glasses: fixing things the way she would fix her insecurities.
Life is short, you seem to love of each other; don't have re-dos for this type of event. Do the right thing.

I don't have any friends, most of my contact with my family is by text and I work mostly alone. I might be a bratty, self-centered, narcissist but I'm not doing anybody any harm and I don't expect or ask anybody to do anything for me.

I don't want to go to the wedding but I'm not being 100% selfish. Whether my sister is worried about me or embarrassed by me or a bit of both, she shouldn't be thinking about me on her wedding day. Just not knowing what to do for the best.

I think that maybe she just wants to be with you. Love is like that. Why not ask her how upsetting it would be if you did not go? You will find out if you decide to stay home, so why not before so her feelings are hurt less? ASK her. Nothing that you have said makes me think that she is trying to hurt you. I'm sorry, but she probably will miss you if you choose to stay home. How about just making an appearance? Arrive late, leave early.

Make a plan that accounts for who you are, and go for goodness sakes. You are much more likely to be playing on her mind unnecessarily if you're not there. You don't have to stay late, you don't have to become someone you're not. I get the sense you're feeling anxious, in which case I encourage you to make a plan about how you can deal with the event. But the best is clearly to go.

Sorry, I've read the first few pages then skipped to the end. Do you have BPD? It sounds like you're obsessing and worrying about something that really isn't an issue? Your sister isn't horrible to you, she hasn't suggested she doesn't want you at her wedding, she has invited you. It sounds like you have a quirky style and she's probably aware that you will wear what you want and she will accept that but she's giving you little hints that perhaps that's not really the done thing and would you mind just this once making an effort and wearing something slightly more suited to a wedding. Personally I think that's perfectly acceptable of her and in no way bitchy. She's making a real effort with you, suggesting a weekend away, getting out for a bit of exercise, ok this may not be your thing but what I read from that is a sister who is concerned about her sibling's anxieties and trying to help her. I hope you have someone you can talk to because it sounds like you think the world is against you and it really isn't.

Specifically why don't you want to Go? Crowds? Strangers? Everyone with common sense is at least a little worried about social events. My dd was selectively mute at school. And proud of It! My bil is horrible dresser and obnoxious but we still persuade him to attend family events. Family first means before one's self at times. Best wishes.

Hi Zerba
Its clear that part of you doesnt want to go, but you know it would draw more attention to you if you don't go. Also your family, including your sister, will be constantly having to answer the "Where's Zerba?" "Where's your sister?" questions. I'm sure you don't want to do that to her on her wedding day.
You also seem to be assuming what she thinks/feels a lot too

If you dislike her that much, then don't go to the wedding. It may be better if you just cut off contact with her. Sometimes it's better to just bite the bullet and make a stand, so that everyone knows you dislike your sister. If you want her out of your life and to never speak to you again, don't go to the wedding. My OH didn't go to his brother's wedding, nor did I, as years of resentment and in-fighting destroyed the relationship between them. and it was just a false gesture on the part of his brother to invite us, he did it to appease his fiancee, my OH just wrote on the invite, No thanks, we'll cut the pretence, and do what you want, which is to not be there, it worked, and we don't have anything to do with his brother or wife. Sad, but the anguish, hurt and hatred has stopped. Think carefully about your choice.

Op, time to get familiar with ghosting
Show your face at the wedding to the main people, mum, dad, sister, stay for the vowels then silently slip away while everyone busy chatting, getting off to reception

I get whre your coming from. Running, new dress (pants girl here) and a hair cut wont boost my confidence, i dont see the value in it, just makes me feel like a fake
Id much rather be at home in track pants, only my partner and kiddo to talk too. I also have no friends by choice.
I do get very awkward and anxious in social situations, i suck at small talk, feel like im not wanted there and only invited out of obligation to anything
Ghosting is a life saver lol

I agree with pp saying:
It's not up to you to decide how your sis feels.
You don't seem to have outgrown the childish dynamic of being sisters.

My sister didn't come to my wedding
because we weren't getting on enough. She then phoned me up a week before the day and asked if she could come and I said yes (was a destination wedding and we offered to pay for her to come) she then said no. By this time I couldn't be bothered with it, I knew she was creating a non existent drama to allow herself some attention instead of me. It's a big deal to someone normally to get married. To me it meant a lot that my sister would be there but my whole life she'd tried to take away the attention from me and she tried to for my wedding and didn't attend. In the end she just looked like a dick and I tried to ignore it but so many people saying what a dick she was I just thought what's the point in trying to maintain this relationship as it really highlighted to me how much she didn't want to support me. I also could not make her a bridesmaid because I couldn't trust her not to be unfriendly towards other people and the whole thing was imo just rude. Just give your sister a day off from being childish. Or risk ending up nc as it doesn't sound like you would like her to cut you out. A wedding day is really special to some and just having photos without you in them can end up making you resent the person who couldn't be bothered to put the effort in for a few hours of their life. Just explain that you can't change into someone that wears a dress but you care about her and want to go and you'll do your best to be sociable. She won't have time to be with you he whole time anyway most likely and be better you go and just be yourself than not go at all so you prove to your sis you're not changing. You could always discuss an appropriate outfit together that doesn't involve a dress?

Do you feel as if by trying to help you, your sister is drawing attention to the fact that she is more able than you are?

The thing is, from the little you have said, you do sound miserable. What is she supposed to do, abandon you to your misery? That's hard for a person to do.

One way to avoid her help might be to help yourself, so that she doesn't feel she should do it for you.

My sister didn't come to my wedding ( to long to go into why). But it wasn't a valid reason for not attending my wedding. 20 odd years later we are still not speaking. It's too late for us to heal the rift, for many reasons now. But if I could turn back the clock and could of sat down with her and had a proper conversation about it and came to a compromise, I would have. It's hard on my family as they have never had the family altogether in the same room for a long long time.

Will it cause a rift in your family? And is it worth it?

It's your sister's wedding and it's for one day. Who cares if you're "shit socially"? It's a day that's about her not you and if you didn't go it may cause a lot of upset. Sometimes you have to take yourself out of your comfort zone. You could always try and talk with your sister after the wedding and honeymoon are over.