To not go to my sister's wedding

[ZerbaPadnaTigre]

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

She has invited you, so if she secretly doesn't want you there, on her head be it. Dress smartly, go, make small talk and be bored for a few hours. It really is no more complicated than that unless you want it to be.

Yeah but it's the reserve of this thread, isn't it? If she posted that she didn't really want to invite her sister but she hasn't done anything awful, she'd be told that not inviting me would create a massive family rift.

Reverse not reserve

If my brother were to get married again, I wouldn't attend. For my own protection. He's dangerous to me and I'm frightened of him. I'm disabled and he refuses to believe it and as a result, he is nasty, has physically hurt me and threatened violence.

Nothing in your op suggests your sister is anything like that. Just go, be yourself. She sounds a right pia but it's probably from a place of care, however misguided. Just keep on repeating. "I love you. I'm happy. Please accept me for who I am."

It's a brides prerogative to invite who she likes. You were invited and didn't decline so you've said you'll go now. So go and make the most of it. Don't change your mind now because she's pissing you off. She may be getting a bit bridezilla. But unless she is awful to you, you would be in the wrong to change your mind.

I think you just have to repeat over and over "it's just one day, nothing more and nothing less"

Your mind is convincing you it a huge deal and you aren't going to cope - my advice would be to break the day off into manageable chunks - if you feel overwhelmed or stressed then excuse yourself politely and go listen to some music or whatever brings you calm - treat yourself afterwards as a reward for doing something outside your comfort zone.

If the day in it's entirety is too much - maybe discuss with your sister about only attending the service and part of the evening? It doesn't have to be all or nothing...

OP it is strange to want to go to your sister's wedding dressed in funeral clothes (involving ties and blazers and trousers) if you are her sister.

Your sister's attempts to get you to be more social seem well-meant if a bit clumsy.

You'll cause a needless massive rift if you don't go. It's totally okay to wear a pantsuit to a wedding. It probably isn't particularly polite to wear funeral blazer + tie + pants to a wedding when you're a woman.

[Unless there is some massive dripfeed now about how you're trans and your sister is refusing to accept it etc etc]. Wear what you are comfortable with and stop obsessing over how she will be embarrassed etc. She invited you because she wants you there; she seems to be making an effort to get you to enjoy it, but is suggesting things that she will enjoy. People do that sometimes; ignore it.

As an aside you sound like you want this to become a big needless drama when it doesn't have to be. I'd reflect on why.

She is trying to be nice to you, OP. You might find this annoying, but sometimes we need to accept that people mean well and just be nice in return.

Your sister has done nothing wrong. You are an adult (I assume). I am painfully shy myself and hate big social events but I also give a shit about other people's feelings so I make an effort. You know full well that your sister does want you at the wedding so stop trying to make out that you think she doesn't. The only real reason you don't want to go is because you don't like social events, and that isn't your sister's fault.

So? She's invited you, so she doesn't want a family rift. Do you?

Just bloody go. For someone who hates hairstyling and dresses so much, you don't half come over as a princess.

just go wear what u want if your ds is embarrassed thats her problem

my bil sis came to his wedding in a dark suit noone cared

I still regret going to my sister's wedding.

It cost me hundreds of pounds in lost income, I had to wear a dress I felt ugly and uncomfortable in, and I got very upset during the ceremony (owing to the miserable state of my own love-life at the time). I wasn't exactly the life and soul of the party, and refused to dance with the best man (not to make a point - I felt so rubbish about myself by that stage that there was no way I was adding to it by making a fool of myself on the dance floor).

I don't bear a grudge towards her, but I still find the memory painful and wish I hadn't gone.

You sounds like my sister..She couldn't come to my wedding she had to work..She worked in a newsagent at the time.

She also is very socially awkward , I have many times tried to give her ideas, not to be more normal... but so she might find that happiness she clearly lacks.. I have mostly given up.. If she doesn't want to change who am I to make her, however I really do wish she actually made an effort sometimes and pretended to care even if she didn't..Put on some smart clothes to go out.. Not about style more Grotty jeans limit where we can go.

It cost me hundreds of pounds in lost income, I had to wear a dress I felt ugly and uncomfortable in, and I got very upset during the ceremony (owing to the miserable state of my own love-life at the time). I wasn't exactly the life and soul of the party, and refused to dance with the best man (not to make a point - I felt so rubbish about myself by that stage that there was no way I was adding to it by making a fool of myself on the dance floor).

I don't bear a grudge towards her, but I still find the memory painful and wish I hadn't gone

Sorry but none of that sounds like it was your sisters fault.

At the wedding, everybody will be thinking about the bride and groom. Nobody will care how socially awkward you are. Your sister is marrying the love of her life, she will be ecstatically happy about that regardless of your social skills or what you look like.

The way to be noticed, judged and gossiped about by the people at the wedding and the way to spoil your sister's day is by not showing up.

Go, grin and bear it, do the right thing.

You need to let your sister know how she makes you feel when she pressurises you into doing things you don't want to do i.e. jogging and city breaks. But don't use the wedding as a way to do this, that is completely unnecessary and will accomplish nothing.

God OP, you sounds like majorly hard work. Your parents took you on holiday against your wishes? Are you actually 14?

Talk to her. Ask her directly if she feels you are an embarrassment to her, and about how she is making you feel. Tell her you want to go, and will make an efforts to enter into the spirit of a wedding (we all owe that degree of courtesy to our hosts) and you want to support her, but you are feeling pushed away by her and nagged.

Talk to her, before just deciding to do something which would be pretty catastrophic in terms of long term relationships in the family.

all this reminds me of the story of how Plum Skyes went to her sister's wedding in her own wedding gown, dyed black, after her engagement was called off. Likely rubbish but a great story of sibling attention seeking

Go along, wearing a long white dress like my SIL did.

Well I regret not going to my SIL's - it was on our anniversary and we would have had to pay for 2 expensive flights and use all our vacation time. I didn't go to my sister's one either for the same reasons plus very pg (don't think I could have changed that).

In retrospect, I called it wrong, I was youngish and neither dh nor I had a great relationship with the SIL. Looking back, it was petty. Suck it up - try and avoid mistakes that through the mists of time you'll realise you made for petty selfish reasons and not for important ones.

I'm not convinced she'd care that much if I wasn't there.

You're probably very wrong there, you know. It's not impossible, but very very unlikely - even if you want to think that.

I think it sounds like your sister may be concerned about you.

She wants you to go running with her and go on a city break which you think is ridiculous. Your family took you on holiday which you resent.

Your family sound lovely and to be honest, you are coming across as a bit...odd.

Just go to the wedding, pop on something nice and suck it up for your sister.

OP I think you're getting a hard time on here.

If someone is an introvert, and finds social situations awkward and uncomfortable, why are they the ones who are expected to change their personality to fit in with others' ideas of what is acceptable? Why should OP be forced to go on holiday if she doesn't want to? Why is is OK for the sister to be trying to mould OP into something that she isn't? Why doesn't she (the bride) do the sisterly thing and accept her sister for what she is?

Starlight, you say about your sister "however I really do wish she actually made an effort sometimes and pretended to care even if she didn't..* Why does she have to pretend to care to fit your wishes?

What's coming across in this thread is that conformity is expected, and it's OK to pressure someone if they don't, even if they're not harming anyone else. And I'm not writing this because I'm an introvert myself, far from it.

However, OP I think you should go, because I think this is one of those occasions where it is potentially harming others. The rift could spread much wider than just you and your sister. But go as yourself. Ignore her comments about the hairdressers - a hairstyle isn't going to turn you into an extrovert. And don't go jogging with her and do a city break if you don't want to, she doesn't have the right to turn you into someone you aren't just because it would suit her better. Then when the wedding's over, maybe you could manage to talk to her, even if you feel you're not very good at it, and try to work towards each of you accepting the other as you are.

I'm not sure that it wouldn't be a relief to her if I didn't go. I haven't met most of the guests. I don't want her stressing that I'm embarrassing her. Of course, she can't say 'actually, I'd be ok if you stayed at home'.

Oh, FFS. Who does know all of the guests at a wedding? No one, usually, apart from the bride and groom! Unless there's a massive drip feed hoving into view about how you're trans and no one in the family will accept you, or you've got significant issues about leaving the house (in both of which cases, that changes the picture dramatically), it's hard not to read your posts in the voice of Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Obviously none of us can possibly know your family. But the reverse of your thread is actually, 'I'm worried about my sister - she dresses as if she's either going to a funeral or a job interview, she thinks we don't want her at my wedding because she's too weird, and hates leaving the house. AIBU to want to find ways to help her be more confident socially when every time I try to include her in my life she thinks I'm nagging or trying to change her?'

Obviously none of us can possibly know your family. But the reverse of your thread is actually, 'I'm worried about my sister - she dresses as if she's either going to a funeral or a job interview, she thinks we don't want her at my wedding because she's too weird, and hates leaving the house. AIBU to want to find ways to help her be more confident socially when every time I try to include her in my life she thinks I'm nagging or trying to change her?

I agree with this.

It sounds more like concern than nagging.

I wasn't being entirely serious about the funeral clothes. I promise I know how to dress appropriately for a wedding although I kind of like the sound of a black wedding dress made from bin liners.

I don't resent being taken on holiday but I don't like it and my parents could've easily left me with my bio mum's family rather than upsetting me. Also saved themselves some money and hassle.

I'm not bothered that I don't know all of the guests. My bio mum is from a culture that throws huge weddings so I've been to some really huge weddings. My point is that our family and sister's school mates know what I'm like. Her uni and work mates and BIL to be's family don't.

I'll probably end up going for my mum's sake more than anything but I still think it's be nicer if I didn't feel obliged to go/sister didn't feel obliged to invite me.