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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my sister's wedding

228 replies

ZerbaPadnaTigre · 15/08/2017 10:53

I don't like weddings anyway. I'm increasingly getting the feeling that my sister doesn't actually like me from her constant nagging about how I should change.

AIBU to say fuck it and do something more fun like watch paint dry?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 15/08/2017 13:55

If someone is an introvert, and finds social situations awkward and uncomfortable, why are they the ones who are expected to change their personality to fit in with others' ideas of what is acceptable?

Nobody has suggested OP change her personality. Sometimes a situation is not about us and we just have to suck it up for a few hours, even if we are introverts. It's hard for extroverts to deal with this level of silliness too.

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 13:56

I don't resent being taken on holiday but I don't like it and my parents could've easily left me with my bio mum's family rather than upsetting me. Also saved themselves some money and hassle

How old are you OP?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2017 13:56

Hmmmmmm.

You sound like an extreme introvert who doesn't really enjoy socialising, especially in contexts where you don't know many people.
Being "socially awkward" though is not really your sister's issue, is it - it's yours. If you've always been like this, and she's embarrassed by that, then THAT is her issue and something she needs to get over.

I don't think that she should try to change you. You are who you are and she should accept that - so long as you're not actively violent or mean to other people, that is! - because you're her sister.

If she's trying to get you to change to improve your life, then that's kind but probably misguided of her. It would seem that she thinks you should want what she wants, and that's almost never the case. She would do better to look at what YOU want and modify her expectations to suit that (again, extreme antisocial behaviours aside).

Have you had a heart-to-heart talk with her about it?

formerbabe · 15/08/2017 13:59

If someone is an introvert, and finds social situations awkward and uncomfortable, why are they the ones who are expected to change their personality to fit in with others' ideas of what is acceptable?

I don't think that's necessarily the case. Weddings are generally social occasions...it is considered 'normal' to attend the wedding of a close relative. That's just the way it is surely...you may not enjoy the event particularly but most of us go along to certain occasions or do certain things we don't especially like in order to please our friends and family.

PoorYorick · 15/08/2017 13:59

Well there you go, OP. You go. Your sister gets to have a nice drama free wedding and you get to feel hard done by. Everyone's a winner.

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 14:00

To add OP. Why do you feel like your sister is only inviting you because she feels obliged?

And that your parents could have saved "money and hassle" by leaving you?

Do you not think that your sister WANTS you to go to her wedding and that your parents WANTED to take you on holiday?

You seem to lack a lot of self esteem and think people don't really want to associate with you when clearly your family seems to be trying really hard.

SheWhoLivesHere · 15/08/2017 14:02

It sounds like your sister really wants the two of you to have more in common, so invites you to join in with her stuff. OK you're not into it, but have you ever invited her to join you in doing something you are into? It's probably not about running and city breaks, but bonding.

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 14:05

You sound like very hard work and quite childish and selfish OP. Actually i think almost everyone has told you that!

OoohMavis · 15/08/2017 14:05

I hate social situations too, but this isn't any old office drinks party.

Original poster
ZerbaPadnaTigre · 15/08/2017 14:06

I'm 26. I actually prefer the organised chaos and noise of the sort of weddings bio mum's family throw. Less expectations and nobody knows anybody.

OP posts:
GrandDesespoir · 15/08/2017 14:08

Sorry but none of that sounds like it was your sisters fault.

Oh yes, I agree. I don't think she realised how difficult it was for me emotionally (she's nearly a decade younger than me, which made it worse), but I certainly don't "blame" her for my unhappiness.

She celebrated her 10th wedding anniversary this summer (which I suppose is why it's been on my mind) and I still feel the same.

I do think that if you host an event which one of your guests is likely to find very difficult (say, a christening for someone who is infertile and childless) you should try to be understanding and let the guest decide whether they can cope with the situation or not without putting pressure on them.

Nicknacky · 15/08/2017 14:08

Are you adopted as you have suddenly started saying "bio mum"?

Farmerswife4life1984 · 15/08/2017 14:12

You sound really childish and odd . She is trying to include you in things and be nice ! I don't know what you expect to hear from this thread as your dismissing all the advice/ suggestions people are offering you . You sound a right brat tbh

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 14:12

You keep referencing your bio mum, are you adopted OP?

Also, what did you mean when you said your parents could have left you with family, you're 26, why would you have needed to have been left with anyone?

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 14:13

It doesn't really matter what you prefer though. I think you're really struggling with accepting that this day is NOT ABOUT YOU!

TheAntiBoop · 15/08/2017 14:15

I don't understand why her uni mates not knowing you as a problem. You know your family and can chat with them and then go home early if you're done. Unless you plan it n drawing attention to yourself no one is going to care what you are wearing or how you are behaving

PoorYorick · 15/08/2017 14:16

OP, do you think everyone at weddings loves it and isn't having to make an effort?

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where my dress made me look like Moby Dick and I was sat next to an obnoxious boor. It was awful. I sucked it up, lived to tell about it and didn't hurt my friend or spoil her day.

OuchLegoHurts · 15/08/2017 14:17

Antiboop I have a feeling that the OP.would be very disappointed if people didn't notice her and disapprove, thus making the day more about her!!

sororitynoise · 15/08/2017 14:20

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dollydaydream114 · 15/08/2017 14:26

If someone is an introvert, and finds social situations awkward and uncomfortable, why are they the ones who are expected to change their personality to fit in with others' ideas of what is acceptable?

I'm extremely introverted. Lots of people are. It doesn't make us special little flowers who get to have our preferences constantly catered for by everyone else. I've got a family party to attend in a couple of weeks. It wouldn't be my ideal day out but I'm going because it's a big deal to my parents and sometimes the decent thing to is to take one day out of your life to be nice to others.

dollydaydream114 · 15/08/2017 14:27

I have a feeling that the OP.would be very disappointed if people didn't notice her and disapprove

This is it in a nutshell.

dollydaydream114 · 15/08/2017 14:31

My point is that our family and sister's school mates know what I'm like. Her uni and work mates and BIL to be's family don't.

So what? They won't care what you're like. They aren't there to see you, they're there to attend a wedding. You probably won't have to speak to them.

Why on earth would you, at 26, need to be 'left with family' during a holiday?

TumbleBee · 15/08/2017 14:36

I don't think there's any need to pile onto the OP. The family situation obviously isn't as straightforward as it seems, and everyone going, 'Get a grip, you spoiled weirdo' only confirms what her very low self-esteem seems to be telling her - and which it feels like she masochistically wanted to hear when she started the thread?

ZerbaPadnaTigre I think you need to talk about this with your sister and mother, instead of ascribing a negative set of motivations to her that she might not have. Unless your middle name is Cinderella, the chances are she genuinely wants you to be there to share in her happiness, and is only trying to help you feel part of the event.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2017 14:37

I'm getting quite uncomfortable with the level of browbeating that the OP is getting here - I may be completely on the wrong track, but it could be that she has a level of care needs that requires her to be with people. I know she hasn't said and I could be wrong (and apologies if I am) - but it isn't beyond the realms of possibility.

I have cousins who are in their 30s who need to be left with adults supervising at all times - they are like children in adult bodies.

RhubardGin · 15/08/2017 14:41

I may be completely on the wrong track, but it could be that she has a level of care needs that requires her to be with people

I'm getting that impression as well.

There is definitely a tone of immaturity in the posts that doesn't sound like that of a NT 26 year old.