AIBU to suggest exP stays overnight to support DD with SEN and MH problems?

[FeistyColl]

DD (12) has an ASD and extreme anxiety. She has been unable to attend school for over 3 years and is now funded to be educated at home. She has extreme separation anxiety and following a traumatic event 2 years ago has not been able to cope with me leaving the house without her. I have had to give up work and spend every day with her. I split from ExP before she was born but he has been involved in her life from the start, albeit largely on a visitor basis.
ExP and his dw live about 45 mins drive away from us. They have been together since DD was a baby and they have been married 8 years - no dc. I live alone with DD.

ExP visits DD here twice a week (6.30- 9 pm) and comes every other Saturday until about 10 pm. DD hates it when he goes, and often gets very distressed. She anticipates him leaving and this spoils her time with him. I have asked if he could stay later so that he could settle her to sleep, but he says he doesn’t feel safe driving that distance home on his motorbike late at night (he has a number of quite serious health issues). DD’s MH has deteriorated yet further - she self-harms and has talked about wishing she was dead. I suggested to exP that during the school holidays he could stay over on a couple of occasions (he teaches so is free) in order to give DD a full day without the stress of him leaving. He has done this once and it was a real success. DD was able to relax and they were able to go out and enjoy the day with no time pressure knowing her Dad wasn’t going anywhere. She coped absolutely fine when he left the next day.

But, I have received an email from exP’s dw which includes “Finally, I find it unreasonable for you to expect (exP) to spend whole nights at your house, whatever the circumstances.”

So before I reply, I need to know, AIBU to suggest he stays over for DD’s sake?

Gold I haven't suggested this approach would work for the OP. I appreciate it's not the only approach.

Your earlier posts indicated that you felt the OP was reinforcing her DD's anxiety by taking the approach she has described.

I'm glad that you recognise that this isn't necessarily the case and that different approaches work for different people

I am quite sure that CAMHS would have let the OP know if they felt she wasn't taking the right approach.

But that's very different from CAMHS saying that the overnight stays are a necessary and planned part of DD's treatment. I'm not clear if the OP talked about overnight stays to the psychiatrist when they discussed ex-H and the bedtime routine.

Lots of people looking in from outside couldn't understand but, in the end, my approach turned out the be successful.

Sure, but these overnight stays need buy-in from ex-H's wife who is looking in from outside. It's not just about the OP and her ex-H going ahead regardless - well they could but how's that going to play out? If it stresses ex-H's health or his marriage it may not be viable and if he starts and then has to give up that wont help DD.

I don't know what to say as I can see both sides but I am finding this thread very interesting. I have a 20 year old who was sectioned and diagnosed with schizophrenia at a very young age and now is at uni and unfortunately have another slowly heading toward the same illness....
I know what's it like to live in a cage.

But that's very different from CAMHS saying that the overnight stays are a necessary and planned part of DD's treatment. I'm not clear if the OP talked about overnight stays to the psychiatrist when they discussed ex-H and the bedtime routine.

Other posters have told the OP she is reinforcing her DD's anxiety. I am sure that CAMHS would have told her if they felt that this was the case.

Gold my point being any approach which everyone is in agreement is worth trying. OP has not been clear if everyone IS in agreement. IF professionals are fully supporting OP's idea, without involving her ex, then they should make this clear to OP's ex, rather than making decisions for him and ultimately his DW!!

The OP has also not made it clear that CAMHS are fully involved in her idea. Others have stated reinforcing anxiety on this basis.

Had the OP's original post stated that both her and all professionals, including CAMHS were all in agreement this was the best approach, the response might have been totally different.

Other posters have told the OP she is reinforcing her DD's anxiety. I am sure that CAMHS would have told her if they felt that this was the case.

Yes indeed, I agree with that. I was thinking about convincing the stepmother to accept something which is very out of the ordinary in her own marriage. That might need stronger and more specific backing from CAMHS.

I was thinking about convincing the stepmother to accept something which is very out of the ordinary in her own marriage. That might need stronger and more specific backing from CAMHS.

I agree

I don't think the OP has been saying it's a necessary part of their DD's treatment, but that their DD has a poorer relationship with her father and a less fun childhood on her contact days because she is currently too anxious about him leaving to enjoy his time with her. That doesn't mean the DD won't improve without him staying over, just that she is more miserable because of it.

Even if therapists are not fully involved in the idea or have just said might be a good idea or not. (Therapists are not always right and most mums know their child best)

I think the OP might have more success with getting DW and possibly her ex on board, if it was put to them more as a structured plan. So they can see the benefits of OPs plan and what she is trying to achieve.

I'm sure the OP has experience of SMART plans (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic/relevant and timescales)

I understand from the OP that the end goal is that her dd starts staying at dad's again. Include in a plan, shorter term goals, the smaller steps needed to achieve the end goal and how they will decide on progress and success, within a timeframe. A bit like an EHCP, which all 3 are involved in.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask him, life sounds like a living hell for you and your daughter to be entirely honest, I wouldn't have the strength to deal with it day in day out, and as her father I do think he should do more to support you, inc staying over night occasionally, he'd have eow in more usual circumstances, so I think a variation on that, which your daughter can cope with, is a totally valid thing to request. Plus you more than need the respite, albeit still in same house as your daughter. It may be that communication is usually between you and ex, then ex and his wife, but maybe as she's approached you directly it's worth replying directly and explaining the situation again. She may be more receptive if communication comes directly from you than via your ex. I hope for all your sakes that the new therapy is a positive and healing one for your daughter, what an awful place life must be for her and you both.

I think this thread nicely points out that some people, even those who have experience of ASD have NO idea that all children with ASD are different, with different strengths and challenges.

The "my asd child did this" "we did that" "my asd child doesn't do that" "I wouldn't do that with my ASD child" (paraphrasing) have NO idea what it is like for op & her daughter.

It is plainly obvious that many have failed to read and actually take in what she is saying. Some are acting like the OP enjoys this, and is happy to be "manipulated" by her daughter.

This thread shows that we still have a hell of a long way to go wrt understanding ASD and it associated complications.

Add to that, I would not have an issue with my dh doing this. But then I don't subscribe to the MN theology that all men will cheat if given the chance, so therefore do not have trust issues.

Theology? Theory!