AIBU to suggest exP stays overnight to support DD with SEN and MH problems?

[FeistyColl]

DD (12) has an ASD and extreme anxiety. She has been unable to attend school for over 3 years and is now funded to be educated at home. She has extreme separation anxiety and following a traumatic event 2 years ago has not been able to cope with me leaving the house without her. I have had to give up work and spend every day with her. I split from ExP before she was born but he has been involved in her life from the start, albeit largely on a visitor basis.
ExP and his dw live about 45 mins drive away from us. They have been together since DD was a baby and they have been married 8 years - no dc. I live alone with DD.

ExP visits DD here twice a week (6.30- 9 pm) and comes every other Saturday until about 10 pm. DD hates it when he goes, and often gets very distressed. She anticipates him leaving and this spoils her time with him. I have asked if he could stay later so that he could settle her to sleep, but he says he doesn’t feel safe driving that distance home on his motorbike late at night (he has a number of quite serious health issues). DD’s MH has deteriorated yet further - she self-harms and has talked about wishing she was dead. I suggested to exP that during the school holidays he could stay over on a couple of occasions (he teaches so is free) in order to give DD a full day without the stress of him leaving. He has done this once and it was a real success. DD was able to relax and they were able to go out and enjoy the day with no time pressure knowing her Dad wasn’t going anywhere. She coped absolutely fine when he left the next day.

But, I have received an email from exP’s dw which includes “Finally, I find it unreasonable for you to expect (exP) to spend whole nights at your house, whatever the circumstances.”

So before I reply, I need to know, AIBU to suggest he stays over for DD’s sake?

My guess is that she tried to reason with your ex, got nowhere so took it upon herself to contact you.

Yes there is a space for her in the decisions about dd, but there is also a hierarchy

Such a difficult situation. I can imagine the strain on you must be huge.
Could you stay elsewhere on the occasional evening he stays, leaving after she goes to sleep? Not only would this help with his partner situation, but also give you some space for a short time.

So sorry to hear you are going through it too RaspberryRuffless and interested to hear you have occasionally used the same approach.

Hissy I actually received the email whilst ex was here and showed him. He said he had no idea she was planning to email and that's how we left the conversation. They are now away on holiday for 10 days so they have time to discuss things further.

I used the term separation anxiety for ease, but dd's fears around my safety are more complex. It is more like a phobic reaction or an extreme OCD ritual. She believes that if I leave the house without her, I will be in extreme danger i.e. at risk of dying. She can keep me safe in 2 ways 1) by being with me or 2) making sure I remain in our home if she goes out. So, in lots of ways she is making progress - she is able to leave the house without me, both on her own and with others but on the strict proviso that I am at home at all times.

We have been through many attempts to ease her over this anxiety by tiny steps towards me leaving the house briefly etc etc. Instead of this building her confidence, it seems to reinforce her fear - almost as if by going out briefly and coming back safely she feels I have 'dodged a bullet'. Rather than reassure her that there was no extreme danger in the first place, she feels that the odds are then even greater that I will not be so lucky next time!

Some well meaning friends/family have advocated a 'cruel to be kind' approach, with the expectation that if she is 'forced' to experience me leaving and coming back safely she will learn that I can be safe away from home. I have explained that this would be akin to forcing someone with claustrophobia into a box and locking it, to 'ease' their fear of enclosed spaces.

But, as I have explained, we are fully engaged with professionals so hopefully one day we will find the therapeutic approach that works for her.

Sleepovers have always been extremely difficult for DD, and she has only ever stayed with exp (never at friends or other family without me). But even with exP she found it extremely stressful and barely slept. As her anxiety increased and mental health deteriorated, this became too much for her and she hasn't slept at their house for several years.

ExP being here that night was the closest to a night off I've had in a very long time. I was able to go to bed and know that however long it took DD to settle, he would be there for her, and if she woke, she could go to him not me.

It seemed to be a win win win - DD slept brilliantly, exP got to be a full on dad for the night and I got some respite in the haven of my own room.

Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a couple of nights, while your ex stays at yours??

Nothing to do with his dw but you could do with a break! Would your dd be ok with staying with just her dad in her own home?

Could you stay with your dd at theirs? You mention she won't go anywhere without you but this might be a way of easing her into staying at her dads with you perhaps nipping out for a few minutes and gradually increase the time?

I can see why him staying at yours would be best, but he has a wife too and it's not a practical thing to do.

I think your amazing and remind me so much of my mum.
I don't think yabu. I can understand everything you are trying to do for your daughter.

I actually was your daughter at one point I was 11. Was petrified of something happening to my mum. Even her crossing the road on her own made me have panic attacks. I even had to share her bed to make sure she was ok in the night. Was really tough on my parents marriage.
I ended up being home schooled too and when I got a little better went to a special hospital school.
I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sure with all the help your getting things will get better.
20 years later (occasionally go back to therapy) I still worry about my mum and speak to her nearly every day to check everything is ok.
As my dm has just said to me - and its true, is that just keep trying different solutions/approaches until one fits. Eventually one will fall into place and things will start to get easier.

Sending lots of love and hugs xxx

Thank you pinkiepie1 your response means a lot! Well done to you and your parents for getting there! It is so good to hear stories from those who have come out the other side. I will definitely keep trying all options until we get the right fit. Hugs much appreciated too!

Unfortunately MadMags I literally can not leave the house even to post a letter by myself which I realise sounds like a crazy situation that I must have 'allowed' to come about but as I have explained more fully in my post above, it really is very complex.

I think this should be between you and your ex because it's such a unique situation. If his wife doesn't like it then she needs to talk to him about it, not you. Your first priority is quite rightly your daughter.

To be honest I question how much your ex's wife cares about your dd tbh. If she's been around for most of your dd's life, she should have made more of an effort to become close to her. That she hasn't suggests she probably doesn't give a shit about your dd at all.

I don't think YABU and I think your ex husband's wife needs to grow up. However, assuming that it's going to make your ex uncomfortable, could he afford a travelodge/ premier inn type place nearby and then travel home in the morning?

I have extreme OCD and totally understand her not being reassured by you coming back once ok and that the fear doesnt diminish. Also had family tell my dad (my full time carer) to go out, turn his phone off and make me fend for myself. Ive had severe OCD since i was 5, and my 2 years older sister also has it from same time but different triggers so she was 7. Our late grandmother often told my dad he should have beaten it out of us as children by hitting us whenever we said or did anything OCD related. She was an awful woman who didnt believe in mental illness.
I also appreciate its so much harder for you as a single parent. When my mum died the loss of half our support system hit me and my sister incredibly hard, and we were 20 and 23.

I have no advice how to make things easier as i have no idea how to even do that for myself, just wanted to say as a child who has been in a similar position to your DD with just one full time caring supporting parent that you are a real life super hero, and the best friend bond i have with ny dad as a result of our situation is the best thing in the world now im an adult.

YANBU at all! I am amazed it should be suggested that a gown woman's insecurities should come before the mental health of a child, HIS child! surely they should both want to do all they can to make things easier? it's not that great a sacrifice!

OP I don't think it sounds like you've allowed it to happen at all!

I just feel desperately sad for your dd, and probably weirdly, worried for you. You have no breaks. That's not good for you.

I don't think yabu at all you have not been with this man for 12 years you have no interest in him your poor Dd has complex needs you have no support because she can't stay elsewhere, Ithink you should email his wife back explaining that him staying over occasionally is about hisDd and you are sorry she feels a mark has been overstepped but his Dd is less anxious if he is here , however i think dad could come over for longer during the day

Thanks all.
I appreciate your concern for me too MadMags.

AlmostAJillSandwich you have been through the mill too. Thanks for sharing your perspective, it really helps to keep me going! I'm so glad your parents didn't follow your Grandmother's school of parenting. I wish you and your sister good luck as you continue dealing with it all. As with pinkiepie1 it is a lifelong process!

completely left field/out there suggestion - is there any chance of you moving closer to ex

Could you try going to theirs, along with your dd?

Then once she feels comfortable leaving her say for 5 minutes, gradually increasing the amount of time you leave their house for?

Also if your dd is able to leave the house without you....why isn't she going to your ex's, rather than him coming to you?

Shedmicehugh she does sometimes go to his house but as it is a 45 minute journey each way she finds it very difficult. I obviously can't take her and drop her off (as I was able to do a few years ago), so it requires her Dad to drive here then drive back with DD, then drive DD home and then drive to his home again at the end of the day. She is only able to manage a couple of hours at a time there. Her dad tries really hard to find incentives to get her over to his but she finds it very very difficult.

I have also gone to their house with her but I explained previously why the "just go out for 5 minutes and build her confidence" approach isn't possible.

She is much more likely to go out with her dad from our house - swimming, walk into town etc. and she is much more relaxed at home as all her things are here.

It can sometimes take several hours for her to be able to leave the house and if it is already into the afternoon by the time she can go out, by the time she gets back she is already anticipating the time when her dad will leave ...The whole process is exhausting!

Hence my request that he stay as late as necessary to get her to sleep at the end of his fortnightly Saturday visit to avoid this rise in anxiety but .....(please see OP)

You and exP have a child together who requires special care, and a special arrangement.

For his wife to act like this is just a normal shared custody arrangement and you've outrageously asked your ex to stay over is totally ridiculous.

What kind of wife is she that she can't understand the man she married has a child with needs that are different to other children?

I am disgusted by her, and with him for allowing her to have any kind of say in his care for his child.

How can she allow her own pettiness to affect a little girl like this?

To the people who say they wouldn't be ok with their partner spending a night at his ex's with her in the house...really? After 8 years of marriage? Given the situation?

I wouldn't want my partner to stay at his ex's, but if it was to provide the required care for his child who needs different care to most children, I would damn well suck it up!

Why can't he come in the car to visit instead of on the bike , that way he could stay later . He obviously does drive as you say he used to pick her up and I assume that wasn't on a motorbike , or could his wife not collect him .

It's up to the dad in this situation to make the decision and to deal with any potential fall out. So if he pisses his wife off by staying with his DD, then he needs to manage that (and vice versa sadly. If he makes the choice not to piss off his wife, he has to try and find a way to explain this to DD, or some kind of workaround - stay later? Get a taxi home? )

OP, rather than relying on email contact with the wife could you try having a face to face conversation with her about it and explaining exactly how difficult DD finds life? Leave the emotion out of it and just focus on explaining as you have on here. And ask her for suggestions so that she feels included. It can be really difficult to understand just what a struggle it is if you have no idea of it personally & from the sounds of it she has little contact with DD just because of DD's issues so hasn't seen it first hand. If you give her specific examples then she might realise the importance & even just having a chat might allay her fears about exP staying over.
It's all well & good PPs saying how awful she is but you only need read some of the posts on Mumsnet to realise how many affairs go on so it's not unreasonable for her to be concerned about the possibility. If people can accept DD's unreasonable OCD fears as being uncontrollable then why not the wife's? They're a fraction of the issue of DD's but probably seem just as real to her.

Nikephorus - they're probably just as real to her? We're talking about the mental health problems of a 12 year old girl so serious that she's having funded home education vs the jealousy of a grown woman.

OP has stated she can hardly leave the house, but she should be expected to go and have a chat with a woman who isn't a parent to this child to explain that the father should do what is best for his daughter?

I think a frank discussion with the father about his parenting and care of his daughter is in order, rather than making his jealous wife feel better about her husband's care of his ill daughter.