AIBU to suggest exP stays overnight to support DD with SEN and MH problems?

[FeistyColl]

DD (12) has an ASD and extreme anxiety. She has been unable to attend school for over 3 years and is now funded to be educated at home. She has extreme separation anxiety and following a traumatic event 2 years ago has not been able to cope with me leaving the house without her. I have had to give up work and spend every day with her. I split from ExP before she was born but he has been involved in her life from the start, albeit largely on a visitor basis.
ExP and his dw live about 45 mins drive away from us. They have been together since DD was a baby and they have been married 8 years - no dc. I live alone with DD.

ExP visits DD here twice a week (6.30- 9 pm) and comes every other Saturday until about 10 pm. DD hates it when he goes, and often gets very distressed. She anticipates him leaving and this spoils her time with him. I have asked if he could stay later so that he could settle her to sleep, but he says he doesn’t feel safe driving that distance home on his motorbike late at night (he has a number of quite serious health issues). DD’s MH has deteriorated yet further - she self-harms and has talked about wishing she was dead. I suggested to exP that during the school holidays he could stay over on a couple of occasions (he teaches so is free) in order to give DD a full day without the stress of him leaving. He has done this once and it was a real success. DD was able to relax and they were able to go out and enjoy the day with no time pressure knowing her Dad wasn’t going anywhere. She coped absolutely fine when he left the next day.

But, I have received an email from exP’s dw which includes “Finally, I find it unreasonable for you to expect (exP) to spend whole nights at your house, whatever the circumstances.”

So before I reply, I need to know, AIBU to suggest he stays over for DD’s sake?

What a hard situation for you all.

I would find it a little hard if my DH had to stay at his exes overnight, but in this situation if I didn't have an alternative solution I would just have to deal with it! Her messaging you rather than dealing with her husband is so inappropriate!

In a normal situation yes it would be unreasonable, but in this situation you are only asking for what is best for your DD and her father should also want this, regardless of his wifes opinion.

I realise that I'm in a minority here but i think you should include your dh's wife in the conversation directly. Can the 3 of you adults not sit down amd talk things through?

How "involved" is the step mum? Wondering if she's ever been to any appointments in regards to your DD? I mean, would she be likely to attend if you asked her? It may not solve this one particular issue - but on the whole may help. Especially if there's to be ongoing therapies and specific approaches and interventions.

And if your exp really didn't know she had contacted you then I hope he has enough about him to tell her not to do that again. Although, she probably does need to be involved to some degree.

No Lucy I was assuming that the wife could pop round to OP's house. I wasn't just expecting OP to ignore all DD's issues and go out!
And my point was that Wife's feelings and insecurities are valid too. I know I'm not explaining it well (explaining things is not my forte) but I'm not trying to belittle DD's situation in the slightest. I have autism-related anxiety & OCD which affects my life a fair bit so I can start to imagine how crap DD feels by taking how difficult life feels for me sometimes and ramping it up hugely. That's a seriously scary idea and I don't envy OP for having to try and manage DD's situation for her (hence suggesting that a face to face talk might be more successful & get the result she needs). But you can't just expect Wife to switch her feelings off because it's not that simple. It's a case of trying to reduce those feelings by getting her to recognise how bad it is for DD so that she a, understands that OP isn't a threat and b, understands what OP and DD are going through in a way that she may not when ExP is telling her.

The consensus on here is the Wife is unreasonable, but she IS part of the extended family and has a right to an opinion. She needs to be included and be part of the process/arrangement if any solution is to be found.

I think the request is reasonable given your dds health issues. I like the idea of suggesting the dw stay also as an option, to drive home that it's whatever works for his dd.

Have you asked HIM what his view is on it?.

Maybe the wife could stay over too?

Thanks.
I don't want to get into more detailed discussion here about his dw. I just needed to get a broader perspective on her assertion that my suggestion unreasonable

Edit : was unreasonable "whatever the circumstances"

Just to give you some future hope. The child mental health team I were under told my parents that my seperation anxiety and other issues would be hard in forming adult relationships. But I proved them wrong and im sat watching my little pony with my dh who I have been with for 7 years and my 2 beautiful dd's.
I doubt I would here if it wasnt for my mum trying everything amd occassionally doing what she thought was best, even when people told her it was ridiculous.
I do really hope that even reading some of these posts are keeping you strong!
You know your daughter better than anyone. You know how best to support her, hope new wife and xh will understand that.
Xx

I think I agree with the minority - that while the DW might have been unreasonable to send the email (esp without her DH's knowledge) she does deserve to have some say in what's going on and it's unreasonable to expect her to just accept it without question.

Yes your DD has complex needs but from the sounds of things your Ex's DW is being excluded from any and all discussions and yet is expected to just deal with whatever is decided regardless of the impact on her. Your Ex is a teacher so these summer holidays are possibly the only time they can freely visit friends or host a BBQ in the garden or go away for a couple of weeks together, but everything has to be organized around his schedule with DD which she has no control over and which is getting more time intensive all the time. But if she complains about it people think she is being unreasonable because obviously her DH's priority should be his DD, but not at the total expense of everything else.

She also seems to have very little contact with your DD because DD can't ever come to her dad's house but it doesn't seem like she's ever invited to your house for any kind of interaction with your DD. So how is she supposed to foster any kind of relationship with her step daughter if she is being excluded, for the sake of the "family unit"? Have you ever made an effort to specifically invite both of them over, for lunch or to do an activity together, not just Ex? Maybe if DW is more involved she won't feel like she is being shoved to one side and ignored?

Also, you keep saying there's no way you'd ever get back with your Ex etc but his DW doesn't know that - all she sees is her DH having to go to his Ex's house because of his DD's needs ... this then escalates from being gone all day to being gone overnight, all the while it's just the three of you in the house. She is never invited and there is always a reason why DD can't go to their house (however justified) ... it is understandable that she might worry something is going on and not even with you, necessarily. It's hard to accept but some people have been known to use this kind of situation to aid their cheating - so they're gone 2 for 2 overnights in a week, they tell their partner both are being spend with their child when actually only one is, but their partner doesn't know because they don't feel they can call their DH's ex to check he's there because it just looks paranoid and controlling.

Also you don't mention that your Ex has any DCs with his DW, so I assume they don't have any already but perhaps the are trying to have children of their own and DW is now concerned that if they do have a child they will still be shunted to the side and given less attention than DD and she wants to try and redress the balance now while she can, though unfortunately it was executed poorly.

Why don't you invite her to come over and stay too?

Shocked people thinking this ok. Seriously everyone would you be happy for their dh to stay over night at their exs eneb if you had 100% trust. Op i completely understand why you coming from but this might be a step too far. Does dd has external support?

' Your Ex is a teacher so these summer holidays are possibly the only time they can freely visit friends or host a BBQ in the garden or go away for a couple of weeks together, but everything has to be organized around his schedule with DD which she has no control over and which is getting more time intensive all the time. But if she complains about it people think she is being unreasonable because obviously her DH's priority should be his DD, but not at the total expense of everything else.'

I can't honestly worry too much about ex and wife's BBQs over a 12 year old girl's mental health. Doesn't sound like OP has much of a chance to go away for a few weeks with anyone or host a BBQ!
OP is barely leaving the house but expecting ex and wife to accommodate the daughter's health issues is somehow unreasonable?

op. Things must be really tough. I have a 9 yo with ASD, anxiety and OCD-like tendencies. It's tough.

Just wondering if ex-p and dw could attend a cahms session so that she could understand the enormity of the situation? It might make her understand why you want ex-p to stay over and allay her insecurity.

That was exactly my point - Lucy and Dixie ... in the grand scheme of things when you have a child with SN/ASD, having a backyard BBQ is not important, but that doesn't mean it's irrelevent to other people who don't. Perhaps it wasnt' the best example but it's still valid.

The OP has her DD as a priority, but the Ex's DW is supposed to make DD the same priority in her life despite the fact she has no relationship with the child and just has to accept that her DH has to be absent from their life whenever he is needed. She shouldn't have to feel like a third wheel in her own relationship or have to book time to see her DH, provided he's not busy, when she has no say in the schedule.

Ex's DW isn't being asked to give the child the same priority as OP. At all. Neither is ex for that matter.
I don't know where you're getting that.

OP has asked ex to spend something like 1 night a fortnight there. OP can hardly leave the house, but ex and DW think 1 night a fortnight is too much to ask.

I am a stepmum of 2 where we have 50/50 custody. I can't see this woman's perspective at all. If you married someone knowing they had a child (with or without sn) but weren't willing to put the needs of the child first, then you did the wrong thing.

melj1213 I do realise that there is always another side to any story, and ex's dw will have a different take on things from me. However, you have made an extraordinary leap of imagination and created an entirely imaginary situation which you are now discussing as if based on information I have posted.

The Ex's DW is supposed to make DD the same priority in her life despite the fact she has no relationship with the child and just has to accept that her DH has to be absent from their life whenever he is needed.

Where have you got this from? I have detailed how exP has a fixed routine during term time which leaves every Friday evening, every Sunday and every other weekend entirely unencumbered by parenting responsibilities. And as I was formerly a teacher, I do understand how this does not mean this is necessarily 'free' time but he certainly is not at my beck and call.

We have no fixed arrangement during school holidays (which he and dw both have). We fix dates depending on holidays they have booked etc. And as you seem concerned that they may not fit in a bbq, they are currently away for 10 days, having both taken separate overseas holidays earlier in August and a week skiing during February half term together.

Yeah, but the OP's ex is very clearly not making his DD remotely the same priority in his life that the OP is.

And his dw has been at liberty to develop her relationship with DD without interference. I simply stated in my op that they are not close. This is factual.

Sorry if this has been suggested previously (I have read most of the thread but may have missed it) but to avoid the wife's insecurities and a lot of angst, if his only issue with staying later at night when your DD has settled for bed is his worry about riding his motorbike home, can't he just get a taxi? It's only 45 minutes after all and wouldn't be every week?

Fiestycoil, I totally appreciate your situation. I have a child with ASD/extreme anxiety/self harm, who struggles to leave the house and have a 'relaxed' relationship with others or his dad and leave the house.

I'm trying to think more along the lines of some respite for you.

My ds wants his dad to come here all the time for visits, as home and mum is his 'safe place'. However, it's a vicious circle and it's not establishing an independent relationship with his dad or getting ds to leave the house, which is the goal.

Things that helped:-

Initially his dad came here. Then we moved to both ds and I meeting his dad outside the house to take the dog for a walk, a McDonald's or whatever for a very short time.

This weekend, ds has agreed to go to his dads for an hour. It's hard work, involves lots of driving etc. But ds is leaving house and starting to have a relationship with someone other than me, which is the goal!!

Stretching comfort zones very gradually is working. Without stretching, ds would be a recluse, with only me for company.

What is your end goal?