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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest exP stays overnight to support DD with SEN and MH problems?

163 replies

FeistyColl · 14/08/2017 17:38

DD (12) has an ASD and extreme anxiety. She has been unable to attend school for over 3 years and is now funded to be educated at home. She has extreme separation anxiety and following a traumatic event 2 years ago has not been able to cope with me leaving the house without her. I have had to give up work and spend every day with her. I split from ExP before she was born but he has been involved in her life from the start, albeit largely on a visitor basis.
ExP and his dw live about 45 mins drive away from us. They have been together since DD was a baby and they have been married 8 years - no dc. I live alone with DD.

ExP visits DD here twice a week (6.30- 9 pm) and comes every other Saturday until about 10 pm. DD hates it when he goes, and often gets very distressed. She anticipates him leaving and this spoils her time with him. I have asked if he could stay later so that he could settle her to sleep, but he says he doesn’t feel safe driving that distance home on his motorbike late at night (he has a number of quite serious health issues). DD’s MH has deteriorated yet further - she self-harms and has talked about wishing she was dead. I suggested to exP that during the school holidays he could stay over on a couple of occasions (he teaches so is free) in order to give DD a full day without the stress of him leaving. He has done this once and it was a real success. DD was able to relax and they were able to go out and enjoy the day with no time pressure knowing her Dad wasn’t going anywhere. She coped absolutely fine when he left the next day.

But, I have received an email from exP’s dw which includes “Finally, I find it unreasonable for you to expect (exP) to spend whole nights at your house, whatever the circumstances.”

So before I reply, I need to know, AIBU to suggest he stays over for DD’s sake?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 14/08/2017 20:15

Having them both over occasionally might help as his dw would see you are not after him for anything except for your dd. Could also mean dd migbt get more relaxed and possibly stay at their house again giving you a much needed break. Try and be a team together..l dont know how you manage so all help is to be welcomed.

Original poster
FeistyColl · 14/08/2017 21:20

Thanks again for all the responses.
I'm actually quite glad its not seen as completely straightforward, and that people can see where I'm coming from.

Just to clarify, the decision to home ed was not an active choice on my part, it was a situation we found ourselves in after the breakdown of 4 education placements over 2 years ( 2 mainstream and 2 specialised). DD's mental health suffered at each breakdown and she was assessed medically unfit for school by her CAMHS psychiatrist. We then suffered a series of events including a bereavement and 4 very close family / friends diagnosed with terminal illnesses (yes 4!). After a separate incident in which DD thought I'd been in a car accident she had a complete breakdown. It is possible that on top of all her pre existing difficulties she now has PTSD as well. I'm only explaining all this to illustrate how certain I am than we are not talking attention seeking / manipulative behaviour that can be eased by 'regular' approaches. She is on medication (as am I!) and is under guidance from CAMHS. We are starting a new form of therapy so there is lots in place. Unfortunately, there have been lots of things in place before but her presentation remains "complex" .

I'm definitely going to try the 'team' approach and see if she will get involved. Thanks.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 14/08/2017 21:30

Ah, it's tough. I really sympathise with you, but I would not be okay with my husband going to spend the night at his ex's while she was in the house, sorry!

Can the wife not pick up/drop her husband off, so he can stay and settle his DD to bed, but doesn't have to stay the night, perhaps? Or can DD really not stay with her dad occasionally? I mean, if she was in a different environment but with people she knows, would be perhaps be okay - or is her anxiety really too bad for that?

Flowers it must be so tough for all of you. You're not at all unreasonable to want a bit of help and a break, but I don't think asking your ex to spend nights at your house is the way to go.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 14/08/2017 21:34

Does he not have work to go to in the morning?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 21:38

She must be quite insecure, after 8 years of marriage. If I was the wife I would be perfectly happy for my husband to do this.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 14/08/2017 21:39

@StillDrivingMeBonkers he's a teacher and it's the holidays. OP said this up thread

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 14/08/2017 21:40

Yes. And the holidays end in two and a half weeks. Then what?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 21:42

What then what? There are other holidays. OP is only asking him to consider an occasional night, that is all.

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 14/08/2017 21:50

@StillDrivingMeBonkers OP isn't suggesting this is a weekly fixture?

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 14/08/2017 21:52

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask and she isn't to not like it.

She is, however, unreasonable to discuss it with you.

If I responded at all I would say what a pp suggested and that she should be having this conversation with her husband not you.

Starlight2345 · 14/08/2017 21:55

Can I ask once asleep does she sleep through?

I think as EXw clearly has an issue can he do longer days, rather than the overnight.

My other concern is that is it going to be worse again when he can't stay longer while he is working?

You are clearly living in a very difficult situation.

mrbob · 14/08/2017 22:01

Can she stay with them? Or is that not an option? (Apologies if I missed this)

Urubu · 14/08/2017 22:07

Could you abd DD go stay at theirs overnight on occasions?

Hard one, as both you and the DW are NBU.

Cheby · 14/08/2017 22:09

YANBU OP. I totally get why you asked. I also think if I were the new wife I may feel uncomfortable. BUT, she should have addressed her concerns to her husband and they should have discussed it together, in the same way that you proposed the idea to your ex. He is not a child who needs permission from his partner to do things, it's weird that she's getting in touch with you directly about it.

SpencerSweetPeas · 14/08/2017 22:15

Could he stay in a pub/B&B local to you? I know it's a pain and costs money, but one night every couple of months might be doable.

Munchingmummy · 14/08/2017 22:18

It's difficult isn't it. It's easy to say the DW should keep out of it - (which to an extent she should). I think it's a shame that if your exp didn't want to stay he couldn't say that to you directly resulting in dw saying it. Which never does down well.

Having worked with ASD, I also want to say that it's really difficult to find the right balance of testing/pushing boundaries and not feeding into the anxiety. The more control you give DD (and others in her situation) the more they feel they need. It reinforces the need to try and control their own environments etc.

Could you perhaps try leaving her with her dad? Even just half an hour to start with and build up from there. It's a long road, but it can get better!

Original poster
FeistyColl · 14/08/2017 23:11

mrbob, DD staying at theirs is not an option - or I wouldn't be suggesting this at all. I have no desire for exP to stay other than to support DD. This is a way to try and build her confidence back up, firstly so she stops feeling that she wants to die, and ultimately so she can separate from me and be able to stay at theirs again.

I thought like notevernotnevernotnohow that it was so obviously not a 'ruse' to try and get together with exP, and as they have been together so long that she would feel secure enough not to be concerned.

They recently had separate holidays, so they clearly trust each other as I would expect. But from what many of you are saying, it is simply me being an ex that causes an issue.

It will be interesting to see how some of your suggestions such as both DD and I staying at theirs go down.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 14/08/2017 23:30

I think, given your DD's health needs, your Ex's DW is being unreasonable. You certainly aren't being unreasonable to ask your ex to stay and I don't think you're being unreasonable if you expect him to occasionally. He has a very sick DD who he could make happier by giving up what is, relatively, a tiny bit of his time. However, you can't "make" either of them be reasonable about it.

Would it work for everyone if his DW came and stayed as well? I can see several ways this might be problematic, but know if they apply and it might be a solution that works.

Original poster
FeistyColl · 14/08/2017 23:34

Munchingmummy I have no reason to think exP was avoiding telling me he wasn't comfortable with the situation. He has never had any difficulty expressing himself in the past! It was his dw who was uncomfortable. Also, whilst I understand where you are coming from in your advice about not 'feeding the fear', in this particular situation it is not simply anxiety resulting from her ASD. There are secondary mh problems as well and we are actively engaged in trying to find a therapeutic approach that fits.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeistyColl · 14/08/2017 23:59

thanks for understanding where I'm coming from Cheby and BoomBoomsCousin. I have always communicated directly with exP and although we haven't always agreed we have had to suck it up and make it work. I suggested him staying over, he agreed and it was a real success. This is the first time his DW has contacted me directly about an 'issue'. Clearly I had totally underestimated how much of an issue she would find it. I have no desire to alienate his dw and I am really grateful for all the suggestions people have made to try and include her. I will put them forward as options in a plan moving forward. But I will talk directly with exP and my prime concern will be DD and what she needs. I'll leave it up to him to manage communicating the outcomes to his dw.

OP posts:
GreenGlassLove · 15/08/2017 00:24

This sounds like a really tough situation OP, I think both you and exP are amazing.
I don't think either you or your ex's wife are unreasonable. If it obviously helps your DD then you're definitely reasonable to ask him to do it again.
However, I don't think I'd be overly comfortable if my husband's ex asked him to stay overnight and perhaps she thought it better to speak to you.
Having said that, while she should have her opinion acknowledged, the ultimate decision has to be between you, your DD and your ex and balanced towards your DD's best interests.
Could she, perhaps, spend a day with her dad knowing he will stay over and at some point you pop out for a very short time (10 mins say) while her dad stays with her, so she can begin to spend time just with her dad but still know you're not far away?
Regardless, if him staying over is good for her then I think it should happen, perhaps on a Friday night so no worries about getting up early for work?

MadMags · 15/08/2017 00:41

Given your dd's various and complicated MH issues, I'd be concerned that him staying occasionally would actually backfire and she'd come to want it all the time, possibly being unhappy when he doesn't?

Also, much as MN likes to pretend an ex should never consider his new wife in anything, ever, that's not how the world works.

I'm not sure why she contacted you directly, but yes she is entitled to be a part of a decision like that whether you want her to be or not.

Original poster
FeistyColl · 15/08/2017 01:06

I understand your concerns re the longer term MadMags, and no-one has a crystal ball, but exP and I both thought that it was better to try and stop the decline in her mental health. But that concern is definitely worth bearing in mind if he was going to stay again, so for example, limiting it to school holidays would provide a natural regulation.

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffless · 15/08/2017 01:44

I could have written this post myself. The similarities are scary. I have a 12 year son with ASD, MH issues and severe separation anxiety. No longer at school either and I'm also separated from his dad. So I can totally understand where you are coming from and don't think your request is unreasonable. My ex has stayed over a couple of times, mostly just Christmas and birthday, his partner was a bit unhappy at first, but as far as I'm aware she's ok now.

It's a very difficult situation for other people to understand unless they're in the same position. I also rarely leave the house and don't get any time away from my son.

Hissy · 15/08/2017 05:36

As understanding of the Dw position as I am, the people who have the main input as to how your dad is helped are you and her dad.

What does your exp say about it all? He has to square this with his dw, and it's not reasonable that she contact you.

Does he even know she did? Get dw to come over too, get her to see the dynamic for herself - you have nothing to hide.