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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

180 replies

user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 11:45

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

OP posts:
Yesbutnobutmaybe · 14/08/2017 11:50

Ugh yes!! I feel,like yelling back "but I didn't did I? You made me feel anxious all the bloody time"

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 11:50

I don't see why that would be particularly annoying.

One annoying thing is current parents thinking they know everything because of new advice and being very dismissive of older people who parented perfectly adequately. Sure, on some things we do have more info now, and that's good, but who knows what your kids and grandkids are going to sneer about that you think is the best thing to do?

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 14/08/2017 11:56

What notever said.

savasana · 14/08/2017 11:57

Totally agree. I want to respond with "no, I didn't, and I wish you'd have done it differently!". But I can't say that, can I.

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 12:00

It's a terrible argument. It's massive confirmation bias to use the fact that I (or we) turned out ok.

And I would hope I would agree with how my child parent in the future (assuming they're not actively harming the child). Parenting doesn't have to be "inadequate" to not be the best/most safe way to parent.

OP posts:
happygirly1 · 14/08/2017 12:00

"You're making a rod for your own back" is a particular favourite of people who feel the need to express their disagreement with someone's parenting style.

Although the "didn't do mine any harm" has been said to me defensively at times in response to me doing things a different way to whoever I'm speaking to, as if my parenting style is a direct attack on their choices. Have to find nice ways of saying I genuinely don't give a shit care about how other's parent and I make my choices based on what works for my DD - as they have different DC their choices are highly likely to be different and that's OK! Smile

5moreminutes · 14/08/2017 12:00

notever it is annoying if it is said to criticise and push unasked for advice, obviously.

Just because somebody parented "perfectly adequately" 40 years ago, does not mean they have to sneer at their own children who are also parenting "perfectly adequately" but not identically.

My mother did this "why are you doing that,we didn't do that and you turned out OK" - woop de do, that's your opinion, but I am doing this and my child will also turn out OK, why do you need me to reproduce what you did in order to feel vindicated?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:01

Which of us has the "best or most safe" parenting? None of us. We all do our best at the time.
I hope your children are nicer about your failings than you are to your parents and grandparents.

53rdWay · 14/08/2017 12:11

I hope your children are nicer about your failings than you are to your parents and grandparents.

Why is it not 'nice' to feel annoyed by someone criticising your parenting? I'm sure my children will parent differently from me. I don't plan to tell them off for it.

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 12:12

It's not attacking anyone. It's saying as we learn more we generally find better ways of dealing with things due to science. I don't criticise anyone dying of smallpox either because they could have treated it better.... But equally I'd treat myself the modern way today.

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:13

The quote in the OP isn't even criticising parenting! As usual posters are just reading what they want into it, and since OP couldn't even be bothered to say what her actual problem is, what is the point?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:13

It's saying as we learn more we generally find better ways of dealing with things due to science

The vast majority of parenting has nothing to do with science.

gandalf456 · 14/08/2017 12:13

I say that now and still have school aged children. I think some things are better done now but others are not. Safety standards are higher, which I embrace but so is neuroticism which i do not

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/08/2017 12:17

Why are they commenting at all? My children dont exist purely to reinforce old people's sense of comfort that they were adequate parents.

My parents didnt go to university but its not a bloody reason for me not to have gone, so I just find the whole sentence totally illogical and a pointless, selfish external expression of insecurity. Its just a transparent, childish cry of "did i do ok as a parent?" "I'm worried that anything ever done differently is an indictment of my parenting".

Pointless bollocks. People have got a cheek saying it as if we won't all know how pointless and selfish it is as a comment.

The answer to that comment is "so what?"

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 12:19

"The vast majority of parenting has nothing to do with science."

I massively disagree - I assume purely over what you are defining as science and what I am defining as science.

To make my point clear - the phrase above suggests that the child staying alive is proof enough that the different method was fine and dandy. Whilst children are largely resilient we can see that we have fewer infants dying nowadays and this can potentially be linked to modern advice.

And as I said, doing it differently isn't exactly a criticism of the older (accepted) parenting of 20-30-50 years ago. Just as it won't be I'm sure going forward.

OP posts:
catkind · 14/08/2017 12:20

Ha, yes. Annoying. We had no seat belts, carried sometimes 6 kids in the car (3 sitting in the boot), and had the baby loose on the back seat in a carry cot. Luckily we did turn out okay, plenty didn't.

How about a response like "well it's only a small risk, but we'd rather not take it now we know about it - we're following the best advice available, sure you did the same right?"

bathildabagshot1 · 14/08/2017 12:21

Survivor bias. You only identify the ones that turned out OK .

The other children who died of rickets, diptheria and lead poisoning they ignore.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:22

The other children who died of rickets, diptheria and lead poisoning they ignore

Your parents or grandparents had children who died of rickets and lead poisoning and they just ignored it?

Or, are you being completely ridiculous?

inchyrablue · 14/08/2017 12:23

I got really sick of this from my DM. It was the drip, drip, drip of PA criticism that was so annoying. Eventually I snapped, and told that if she was so sure she had done a brilliant job of raising me (she hadn't) she ought to believe that I was a brilliant parent thanks to the way she had parented me. I was also lucky enough to be able to read and understand up to date research, and come to a balanced conclusion myself. In this case, that it was perfectly ok for me to cuddle my children.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:23

I massively disagree - I assume purely over what you are defining as science and what I am defining as science

Where is the science in loving and providing for your children? Being with them, talking to them, teaching them?
I have no idea what you may define as science but it has nothing to do with most of parenting.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:25

"You turned out alright" is annoying, however "I turned out alright" more annoying. i find only twats say it .

catkind · 14/08/2017 12:25

Your parents or grandparents had children who died of rickets and lead poisoning and they just ignored it?

No, the parents whose children died of those things don't say it. And the parents who say it ignore (or are actually ignorant of) the fact the other people's children died of those things.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:26

And since you are fond of science, try some scientific thinking.

To make my point clear - the phrase above suggests that the child staying alive is proof enough that the different method was fine and dandy
No it doesn't. It doesn;t say at all that the goal was merely to keep you alive, and "you turned out ok" has nothing at all to do with life or death,

Whilst children are largely resilient we can see that we have fewer infants dying nowadays and this can potentially be linked to modern advice

Nowadays? Compared to when? What metric are you using? Are there really fewer infants dying than when your grandparents had children? When was that?

Come on then, be scientific!

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:26

No, the parents whose children died of those things don't say it

No, because they died a hundred years ago, so they wouldn't,

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:27

Agree with cat and bathilda.

I am a bit surprised that had to be explained.

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