"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

[user1471517900]

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

OMG. I've found my people.
Every time I try to impose any limits on what DD can do at DMs house I get "Well I raised two children but what do I know"
Daily fizzy drinks, no bedtime, unlimited screen time, backchatting and general rude behaviour all seem to be the norm there.
Now can I point out that I didn't learn to cook until I moved out at 22 as my mum a) never taught me and b) used to come and take over when I attempted anything. (I also got diagnosed with diabetes due to my weight, and the terrible diet I was on, I brought home a diet sheet from the doctor and got told "Nothing wrong with you, what do they know")
I am useless at tidying for the same reasons (DP literally has had to teach me to tidy up when we first met)
My DB is 25 and still lives at home rent free, only learned to cook last year because they went away for two weeks.
So yes you raised two children, but not in the way I want my daughter raised tyvm!

Some people have perfectly good reasons to be angry at the way they were parented though!

I actually really respect my mum for acknowledging some things she got wrong on her own accord.

She also disagrees with some things I do with DS, but she makes it clear it's just her opinion. And sometimes she's right and her way is better and sometimes I stick to my way.

She also regrets not playing more with me, but I told her she's being silly and most of us do the best we can.

Some people have perfectly good reasons to be angry at the way they were parented though!

and some of them don't particularly and are anyway. Too many people blame their parents for all kinds of things.

I think it's hard to judge how much something affects someone else so I mostly refrain from judging others on what they found hurtful.

And terrifyingly some mistakes we make as parents can have very serious consequences.

Most of us do in fact turn out ok, and aren't that anxious or damaged. So the parenting was 'sufficient'.

Most of us do turn out ok, but a child is significantly more likely to turn out ok if they go in a car seat, wear sunscreen, sleep on their back as a baby, etc.

Anyway, I would like my parenting to be more than "sufficient".

In some cases of course we know better now! When I was growing up there weren't any seat belts in the back seats and I remember sometimes sitting in the boot with our family dog. So of course we're learning new things all the time.

It's funny, everyone on here saying that the phrase is there to belittle the 'modern parent'. My experience has been the total opposite. Normally I have found this is said when the 'modern parent' is going on about how much better x y and z are now. I think it's normally said in defence to someone making the older parents / other people feel inadequate in their parenting skills.

Putting obvious safety aside - back to sleep, car seats etc - the fact is we don't know if we 'parent' better now, because our children are probably too young to have developed the long list of problems pps have attributed to the way they were parented (hate that expression).
For what it's worth, I tend to agree with pps who have said we are too child-centred nowadays and I shake my head at some of the shenanigans on the sleep board and the over-thinking on AIBU I see sometimes.
'We are baby-led' has to be the most smug statement ever, and showing small children who's boss has become deeply unfashionable.
Social media also has a lot to answer for - the pressure to be the ideal parent - #feelingblessed #makingmemories #myworld. Parents today are under such pressure from every side, but I do find it grossly insulting when I am sneered at by younger mums for suggesting something that in my eyes is just common sense, and they react as if I had suggested something ridiculous. Sleeping in the same bed as a baby and wondering why no-one has a good night's sleep springs to mind.
I do think having children has morphed into a performance art now (see social media above) and parents are somewhat over-invested in their children's lives.

cathf - A very fair point, but science and research will hopefully allow our future generations to learn from our mistakes that we are probably making now.

The difference hopefully will be that I won't be offended by this fact as I don't think I professed to be a parenting expert when I became one. I'm in fact very glad that more things are learned through each generation and (hopefully) for the better!

I think there are still parents/grandparents out there that believe as they're older/our parents we should default to their "correct" opinion for things.

Can't believe this is 6 pages and someone needed to prove that infant mortality rates have lowered over the years mind you!

You will be offended though, when your children tell you that they are much better parents than you were and tell you all the reasons they think you sucked.

You're taking it awfully personally that some people don't like their parents criticising their parenting, notever.

Can you honestly not hear any difference at all between "I wish my Mum would stop telling me I'm wrong" and "I'm a much better parent than my Mum and here are all the reasons she sucked"?

I think there are still parents/grandparents out there that believe as they're older/our parents we should default to their "correct" opinion for things.

This is sadly true in some cases and not just on parenting.
My df is currently angry at me because I refuse to visit him somewhere where there's likely to be violence, yet in his view I go to another place where there are. He won't accept that his knowledge of both these places are 20 years out of date. What the hell do you know? He asked. How not to get my head kicked in actually.

"You will be offended though, when your children tell you that they are much better parents than you were and tell you all the reasons they think you sucked."

I would hope that I would be able to argue why I did things - not just use the fact they're around (as per the statement in the thread title) as my one and only trump card.

If they did that, it would hurt- I completely agree with you. That is not what this is about. As I said before, I do not think I am a better parent than (say) my parents, because I put my child on his/her back. Both of us have done our best with the available evidence. We have more now, so can see things that weren't optimal in the past. Our parents didn't have that luxury - but they should understand that - as our kids should understand that we didn't have the knowledge they do/will.

""You will be offended though, when your children tell you that they are much better parents than you were and tell you all the reasons they think you sucked."

I hope not. I hope I'll be like my husband's grandmother who always said "they didn't do that in my day, but it's all different now" as she embraced everything about modern life.

This is what I aspire to be like, not someone who insists I know best because I'm older / it was the way I did it. I hope too I'll continue to recognise my mistakes, and my children will not repeat them. Whilst I've done the best I can, if I had my time again there are things I'd do differently and hope my children will do differently when they have their children.

slight derail, but I think future generations of parents will be shocked that many present-day children have large amounts of screen time, because they will probably be more aware of the dangers.

Either that, or future generations will be totally unbothered about screen time and tell us off for fussing about it, while we all bite our nails and fret on Gransnet.

Yes op, that's annoying.

I detest the phrase, 'well it was good enough for you...'

I was probably worse at bringing up my DSs than my DM. My brother died then my DM and all sorts of unexpected shit. Life isn't easy.

Sleeping in the same bed as a baby and wondering why no-one has a good night's sleep springs to mind.
Whereas for us, sleeping in the same bed and being child led about routines is where we all started to get a good night's sleep.

What I think this internet age has given us is a much more diverse pool of options. We could shop around and find options that worked for our family. When my grandparents were parenting they pretty much did the same as their parents and everyone else in the village because that was the only source of advice, so anything else was seen as doing it wrong. But someone living in Germany or Japan or even the next county was probably doing something different. Whereas I parent radically differently from the people next door, and my children could easily choose radically different options again even if the menu of choices on offer has moved on not at all from today. And there's nothing wrong with that. I hope that local diversity may make it easier for us to accept our children's different choices than previous generations may have found it. Though the intolerance of any one else's making different choices I sometimes see on MN... Maybe not.

Having said which, both parents and MIL have been fab about finding out how we wanted to do things and going along with it. But they're a little bit awesome generally.

Yes!
I always want to tell DF that I have (had to) spend thousands of pounds on therapy for most of my adult life because of the 'adequate' parenting I received.

My parents have never said this, and never comment on my parenting even when I am being a crap parent and they are probably itching to! They have occasionally said "we didn't have car seats" or whatever, but only to put things into perspective or because I am interested in knowing what things were like for them, not to criticise.

Meh. I imagine many current parents of young children will say exactly the same thing when they have grandchildren. 'Twas ever thus.

And I certainly don't think that today's parents are automatically better than those of previous generations. Some widespread trends and habits strike me as misguided at best, damaging at worst. Obviously, I don't mean carseats or vaccinations and the like. I am thinking rather of helicopter parents, over-scheduled children, the nearly ubiquitous use of screen time even for the very young, the rise in obesity among children, etc.

So, again, not talking about feeding/sleeping/car seats etc, why do we all thing that (within the normal realms of kept healthy and loved) we are all so responsible for our children's personality and mental health and that our parents are responsible for ours?

I get very confused by people who take their kids achievements and qualities to mean something about themselves and their parenting. We should not be looking to build our own esteem through our children I'm very h o.

Well it's environment or genetics underpar, and theories of inherited ability are ime not popular on MN. I prefer to hold my kids responsible for their own achievements or lack thereof, too much responsibility for me. I'd be quite happy with kept them alive and me sane.

But I think most of the comments of the type OP talks about are about carseats and feeding and stuff.