"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

[user1471517900]

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

53rdWay. Sorry, I missed that you'd been told by your baby's grand parent that you should put your baby down on it's stomach.

Frankly, anyone who would say that after all the publicity that's surrounded SIDS has to be either willfully contrary or just plain stupid.

DH said similar to me when we were ranting about our (fairly nice, normal) parents "well we turned out ok". Well yes, apart from the facial tics, anger issues, control freakery (him), intermittent depression and embedded issues of inadequacy (me)! We are working hard to not parent the way our parents did.

I do think the authoritarian patriarchal figure is mostly consigned to the past now, as dads are much more emotionally in tune with their offspring these days, with a desire to be hands-on. I was afraid that DFiL would show his anger with DS, but he has (thankfully) mellowed a bit with age. In society generally I also see a lot less of the emotional repression and Christian-led moral disapproval which were the hallmarks of my very strict upbringing. I was surrounded by these types when I was a child, and even now cannot bring myself to tell my parents I love them, as this just was not "done". However as Grandparents they are all v different to how they were as parents and luckily I haven't had too much of the "helpful advice" above.

And now for some Philip Larkin:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Sometimes I just let this sort of comment wash over me, but less so when it relates to car seats.

My mother is convinced that she was absolutely fine having 6 children free range (without seat belts) in a 2+2 seater car because she was such a good driver and its just me being a bit paranoid and a rubbish driver that I don't do it. She was surprised DH and I both drove to DD's birthday treat with 3 children each, rather than cramming them into the boot.

Needless to say, she does not drive the children anywhere.

I agree there's two separate issues here really and the non- safety side is more of a grey area. The fact is, these days we do have more up to date medical and safety guidelines and (IMO) outweigh any old fashioned advice in given. As I'm sure it would have for my parents and ILs who were abused by their parents who had babies in the 50s. Things change so quickly too - I have friends with young school age children who always made up formula in advance for the day and kept it in the fridge, and have done so for subsequent younger children my own baby DDs age. I would not have done this, I made bottles fresh. That's what we were all told to do at the time.

I do agree that modern parenting, the internet and the bombardment of information can also be tricky. I think that new mums now can be so overwhelmed with what we or our babies are 'supposed' to be doing that often you can go against your instincts or question them much more. Older generations were much more instinct led - they had to be - and in some scenarios that's probably better or at least less stressful than what mums do today.

Not abused by their parents! Advised!!

"it never did you any harm"

Is quite possibly the stupidest thing people say to new parents.

Well no Dad, the sitting in a car whilst you and mum smoked hundreds of fags didn't do me much harm, at the time, It might in the future though.

Yanbu to hate the phrase. My dm doesn't use it or my Mil, they may say 'we didn't have those' but most of the time they are just impressed or interested in the technology. Funny thing is they both remember their parent/grandparents using it and hating it so maybe that's why. My Mil got moaned about why she left my dh to cry inside with her soothing him instead of leaving him to cry it out in the garden.

Even my grandma who used it on me did backtrack and admit her parents used it on her in defence.

I've had it used on me for bothering with a car seat to drive ten minutes. For going to postnatal depression and anxiety counselling. For breast feeding and for formula feeding using a ready made when out and about. Everyone I just answered 'guidelines or times have changes, science has moved on, this is the way I do it. I bet my kids will do it differently too.' Or some variation. I did come close to Fuck off for one relative who tried to bang on about it rudely but my gm beat me to it.

I love the "Whilst I'm flattered that you think I'm so perfect there is no room for improvement, I disagree.

My parents get angry and resentful at how I parent, as though it's a personal attack on them. That's when it becomes a problem. It's fine to roll your eyes inwardly and think your child is being precious in their parenting choices, it's not fine to get irritated about it and feel that you have to defend your own. All discussions with my parents on this matter were invariably because they were taking my alternative choices as criticism. Never once did I say anything remotely like "hey mum and dad, I won't be leaving toddler ds alone in your big garden with your big dog and garden equipment, because I think the fact you used to let me and dsis out unsupervised from age 3 (and regularly lost us) was really shit and neglectful parenting, so I will be doing it differently" but they certainly behaved like I had said that by huffing and puffing, rolling their eyes at each other and shaking their head at my ridiculous helicoptering because I stayed with my child in the garden.

If parenting is now so scientific and so much better than it ever was, why are we being told that our children are unhappier than any generation before?

We know better about some things: car seats, feet to foot, no smoking. All brilliant. But you can't be so arrogant as to think you have it all cracked and your parents knew nothing.

you can't be so arrogant as to think you have it all cracked and your parents knew nothing.

Nobody has said this.

It's implied. Some of you are very angry about your parents. That's your individual issues at play.

It's the approach of the baby boomer brexiteers in a microcosm.
This is the whole crux of it. The resentment of one generation against another. (Not a baby boomer or a brexiteer)
You can't parent in hindsight. We just do the best we can with the resources we have. (Evil people excepted)

It is not implied. You're determined to see it.

People are annoyed about having their own parenting criticised by older relatives. Why do you feel so strongly that this should not annoy them?

I think it's a reasonable comment. Most of us do in fact turn out ok, and aren't that anxious or damaged. So the parenting was 'sufficient'.

Do you Think this generation of parenting is doing any better? I think parenting these days is too child focused.

Anxietyreallyblows - yy to the comments about PND and anxiety. My own DM who generally isn't an uncaring person came out with a corker when I was talking her about a friend who has PND (and while suffering unbeknown to her from both PND and PNA myself) "oh we never had that in my day, you just got on with things" followed by "it's how you were brought up, you lot were never allowed to mope around dwell on things".

And OH wonders why I've never told my mum I see a counsellor fortnightly to help me "get on with things".

Saying that, she also dismissed ADHD as naughty, badly brought up child syndrome (which fills me with horror and I tell her so) so maybe I shouldn't be too surprised. Ignorant, and lucky in the extreme for her that none of us had that particular difficulty isn't it! As I said, she's generally not uncaring, believe it or not. Just horribly bloody ignorant.

I suspect this is defensiveness. Many parents get very defensive about their parenting. Your parents OP are seeing you parenting a different way, as a direct criticism of their parenting.
There is some bad parenting. But most of us do good enough, and make some mistakes.

I love this quote from Maya Angelou - 'Do your best, and when you know better do better'. Perfectly sums up parenting in my mind - I did my best with my DC but I'm really interested to know the new thinking behind their own parenting philosophies.

Perspective is a wonderful thing. On a similar note I had to bite my lip recently when DMIL was proudly telling me about her methods for helping little DH at school, as I had previously had his very different take on his (frankly miserable) childhood. He feels he is successful despite her pushing, she thinks it's because of it.
This came up in the context of me worrying about DS at school, let's just say I took her suggestions under advisement...

I remember I once said to my mum "I just think of what I wanted at that age and what you did and then I do something else!". Don't get me wrong, I loved mum dearly and she was great in many ways, but boy did she make some BIG mistakes! I know she did the best she could and her decisions were all made with the best intentions.

I hope my dd will believe that of me, too, one day. I think that's the best we can hope for, tbh.

suspect this is defensiveness. Many parents get very defensive about their parenting

Of course they do, when their children say horrible things like I just think of what I wanted at that age and what you did and then I do something else!

you can't be so arrogant as to think you have it all cracked and your parents knew nothing.

No - generally speaking, the bits the previous generations got right, people still do, they just change the bits that no longer work / do not work for you.

There's much of my (very happy) childhood that I have emulated and copied with my own children. But the bits that I think weren't as good, I've changed. I think most people do this. I don't think I personally know of any parent who has ignored everything from their childhoods, unless they have had very good reason. Most people I think take the best bits from our parents, and mix it in with the best advice available at the time.

I would say my mother did this (and yes, she also moaned about my MIL's advice who thought she should follow 1940s/50s parenting techniques in the 70s) and I remember laughing with my Nan at some of the advice she was given in the 50s from her parents who raised children in the 20s and 30s. Evaporated milk for newborns, If a baby is teething, dunk it's dummy in a bit of whiskey? (I actually remember my nan doing this and my aunt going mad about it!)

Thankfully, my mother doesn't say this to me. In fact, she can see the changes I've made and generally agrees that they're for the better. When she disagrees she has enough respect for me to recognise that I'm raising my own children the best way that I can, in the best way I see fit and she doesn't denigrate me for that. Neither does my MIL. But on the flip side, if I'm unsure I do ask my mum for advice and what she did. Doesn't mean I'm going to do the same as her though!

But in turn, I would never criticise, ridicule or suggest that my parenting technique was better to any modern mum who does things differently to me... To me, it's just a basic matter of respect.

"If a baby is teething, dunk it's dummy in a bit of whiskey? (I actually remember my nan doing this and my aunt going mad about it!)

Forgot to add, although not the exact words, in the row afterwards, nan's basic argument was that she couldn't see what was wrong, she had done it for her children, and they turned out alright!

ohgod perspective definitely matters. My GPs were fond of always saying things like this, both my dps grew up in fairly abusive households. So you can imagine how their advice went down. My dps are just as blind sometimes though, and I suppose we all will be. I know my dps tried their best, but if they'd been a bit more bothered with parenting us and less on what other people would think we'd have been a lot better off.

Df is definitely one of those who doesn't like intergenerational changes. In general, not just parenting wise it has to be said. Some gems include:
Why can't you just leave them and go to the shops? (Dc are currently 6 and 4)
Just throw them in the boot of the car
Let the boy (4) have a beer, he's got to learn
Why aren't you making up bottles in the morning ahead? Something they both mentioned. Dm just went fair enough when I explained. Df still thinks we were being prissy.

I think my personal favourite is the 'kids need spanking to learn respect' whist simultaneously claiming they never laid a hand on us.

There is a huge difference between someone who insists their parenting is "right" because they are of a later generation and someone who asks for the leeway to be able to make their own mistakes!

The problem here is defensiveness in the face of change. Someone choosing to do something differently is not a threat. It is just different.

'It's implied. Some of you are very angry about your parents. That's your individual issues at play.'

It's a perfectly natural part of becoming a parent to reflect on the way you were parented, good parts and bad. Like a pp has said, it's rarely black and white.

If the grandparents are, at the same time, criticising your own parenting, it's entirely normal to feel some irritation about this. I also wonder why you seem so affronted by this. Is it ok for grandparents to feel defensive but not new parents?

'Do you Think this generation of parenting is doing any better? I think parenting these days is too child focused.'

The issues are different. Some things are better, some worse. Pps have already mentioned that the pendulum can swing in the other direction. But really, unless it's an imminent safety issue, is it ever helpful for a grandparent to just openly criticise a new parent's parenting?

Sorry to pp for all the uses of parenting as a verb